(long story sorry) part 1
I usually know what to do when it comes to a lot of things especially relationships due to the things I have went through throughout my life growing up...
even my mom comes to me for advice including her friends. For starters I am single at the moment(ig) and I went through a break up to the point where I don't really feel like trying for another after this one if it turns out bad. just done.
Anyways..
after a break up I met a big group of child hood friends on discord. around my age, male & females (couples and singles), different states and gamers. my type of people, I never had friends growing up my entire life in school EVER. so I am grateful for them. I slowly met everyone (still waiting to meet the rest), and this one guy I noticed more out of everyone in the photo was very attractive to me. sooner than later I met him (just discord) and we slowly started to hangout more and more. went from discord call, to dm discord call, to iMessages, to FaceTime. I was attractive to him too and I don't know how but we started to show that towards each other. while he's treating like TREATING $$$ me nicely and when I need help without ever asking I am dealing with stuff at home. starvation, homelessness, no income, and no help etc etc. he was the help I never asked for but died crying for. so I am really blessed to even know him in my life. I'm not the type of person to tell my problems unless I've been holding it in so much for so long and my barrier breaks. that's what happened...I have been dealing with stuff for sooo long and still is that I forgot to do my monthly dose of crying. I haven't cried since I was 18 and that is too long for me. he heard me, listened to me, comfort me, insisted to help, and did. yeah we had moments where one of us disrespected each other without knowing and we spoke up all the time. it was nothing major just you know " hey I feel a lil weird about letting that be said without saying anything". just awareness of how certain things affect us so we won't get the wrong idea.
Then....he casually tells me he's polyamorous and tells me not to tell anyone because no one knows but me and one guy friend (because they are like twins, same personality and similar actions, he trust more than anyone he explains). I know I know...why not say anything even though yeah its trust but wouldn't his friends know? They don't, nor his family, just me and his friend. I mean I'm not complaining and I am a very trustworthy person. buuuuuuut while we are having fun and before he even tells me this months before..I find out he has a girl that he has been dating for almost 4 years now. it pissed me off, made me mad but we were just friends and I was like oh well single it is. yeah well months later to him telling me his secret we are not just friends and he made me realize that too. I didn't think he would consider me as anything so I was surprised because he mentioned it when we had a misunderstanding.
my situation at home got even more toxic and I had to leave so I moved to their area and I mean all of them is in the same area. I have friends actual friends..its amazing. anyways I felt guilt because-- going back on him telling me his secret I ask does she know? No...she does not (a moment of silence for eternity). I am instantly like wt..f? why? but I didn't say that to him I said "am I allowed to ask why?". he said which he explained before--his past relationships were hell and the person he is now is way better than the past him. the females had him changing for them and he just had a short temper where he would do anything. let me give you a hint of his old personality by saying where he's from..."Atlanta, GA". Mhm. sink it in. If you know you know. I'm not upset or anything when I found out she doesn't know just disappointed?? because the past can really mess the future up man. "I haven't been able to obtained enough trust to know she's serious about being with me and I want to make sure she is before I tell her. but It is also a fear of mines that I try to hide from everyone and I wish I didn't have to but the things I went through with these other girls--" he goes on saying. so hearing this I understood and I support honestly everything but the wrong thing. I didn't see anything wrong BUT I did tell him..your going to have to tell her eventually because what if you feel incomplete because you hadn't tell her. I don't know how this works for people in his position and I have researched it up based off of other peoples situations to understand more and it honestly sounds so similar to being transgender and not being able to actually being your true self and comfortable about it. I don't mean to offend anyone but that's the easiest way for me to understand and it sounds like emotional hell. I had no idea it was that difficult for you all but now I am experiencing it myself...
I am in Atlanta. Around everyone, including him..and her now...
he hung out with me and the second time we did. I just couldn't hear my thoughts anymore. the fact that I am out here and now I can physically touch him made me think about her. I am a very very verrrry considerate, kind, overthinking, trusting person. I am aware of my weaknesses, strengths, bad side and good side. I couldn't ignore the fact that he was being more romantic and she's at work 20-30 minutes away from us. I never want to hurt anyone and nor do I want to be seen as someone I am not. not saying that he is but I hate cheaters, I will not create a cheater and I will not ever be a cheater myself. I haven't lied in so long since I was 13 I would say and I do not plan on lying anymore. it is hard for me to speak about serious stuff like this with whatever relationship I am in but communication is key. it builds trust and so many other things. I try very hard to not go overboard with my actions. self control we both have surprisngly. I told him while we were hanging out that he should think about telling her soon. I simply said because if I was her I would want to know everything about my partner at the very beginning and ongoing. neither do I think it is a good idea to wait it out because she's going to get so comfortable and when you finally tell her she won't take it well because you waited 10 years. 10 years of thinking this is who you are when this is who you really are. 10 years of thinking I know you fully and she'll feel like she couldn't be trusted or she wasn't enough. I don't want to hurt her or you or be seen as something evil to her. he understood and he asked me what if she says no...\ 0_0 / I don't know either we just set boundaries or its up to you. I don't know (even though I want to say I don't care we'll still do it). he was hurt a bit but he was grateful that I made him aware of it. he's pretty sensitive emotionally and I felt the same way. I cried because smh my life is insane. so many difficult things I've been through I don't plan on losing another light out of my life. I don't have the that much strength anymore. so its been about 3 or 4 months since I've been here and its going by fast. he said he'll tell her soon but the fear is so strong I can see it.
I usually know what to do when it comes to a lot of things especially relationships due to the things I have went through throughout my life growing up...
even my mom comes to me for advice including her friends. For starters I am single at the moment(ig) and I went through a break up to the point where I don't really feel like trying for another after this one if it turns out bad. just done.
Anyways..
after a break up I met a big group of child hood friends on discord. around my age, male & females (couples and singles), different states and gamers. my type of people, I never had friends growing up my entire life in school EVER. so I am grateful for them. I slowly met everyone (still waiting to meet the rest), and this one guy I noticed more out of everyone in the photo was very attractive to me. sooner than later I met him (just discord) and we slowly started to hangout more and more. went from discord call, to dm discord call, to iMessages, to FaceTime. I was attractive to him too and I don't know how but we started to show that towards each other. while he's treating like TREATING $$$ me nicely and when I need help without ever asking I am dealing with stuff at home. starvation, homelessness, no income, and no help etc etc. he was the help I never asked for but died crying for. so I am really blessed to even know him in my life. I'm not the type of person to tell my problems unless I've been holding it in so much for so long and my barrier breaks. that's what happened...I have been dealing with stuff for sooo long and still is that I forgot to do my monthly dose of crying. I haven't cried since I was 18 and that is too long for me. he heard me, listened to me, comfort me, insisted to help, and did. yeah we had moments where one of us disrespected each other without knowing and we spoke up all the time. it was nothing major just you know " hey I feel a lil weird about letting that be said without saying anything". just awareness of how certain things affect us so we won't get the wrong idea.
Then....he casually tells me he's polyamorous and tells me not to tell anyone because no one knows but me and one guy friend (because they are like twins, same personality and similar actions, he trust more than anyone he explains). I know I know...why not say anything even though yeah its trust but wouldn't his friends know? They don't, nor his family, just me and his friend. I mean I'm not complaining and I am a very trustworthy person. buuuuuuut while we are having fun and before he even tells me this months before..I find out he has a girl that he has been dating for almost 4 years now. it pissed me off, made me mad but we were just friends and I was like oh well single it is. yeah well months later to him telling me his secret we are not just friends and he made me realize that too. I didn't think he would consider me as anything so I was surprised because he mentioned it when we had a misunderstanding.
my situation at home got even more toxic and I had to leave so I moved to their area and I mean all of them is in the same area. I have friends actual friends..its amazing. anyways I felt guilt because-- going back on him telling me his secret I ask does she know? No...she does not (a moment of silence for eternity). I am instantly like wt..f? why? but I didn't say that to him I said "am I allowed to ask why?". he said which he explained before--his past relationships were hell and the person he is now is way better than the past him. the females had him changing for them and he just had a short temper where he would do anything. let me give you a hint of his old personality by saying where he's from..."Atlanta, GA". Mhm. sink it in. If you know you know. I'm not upset or anything when I found out she doesn't know just disappointed?? because the past can really mess the future up man. "I haven't been able to obtained enough trust to know she's serious about being with me and I want to make sure she is before I tell her. but It is also a fear of mines that I try to hide from everyone and I wish I didn't have to but the things I went through with these other girls--" he goes on saying. so hearing this I understood and I support honestly everything but the wrong thing. I didn't see anything wrong BUT I did tell him..your going to have to tell her eventually because what if you feel incomplete because you hadn't tell her. I don't know how this works for people in his position and I have researched it up based off of other peoples situations to understand more and it honestly sounds so similar to being transgender and not being able to actually being your true self and comfortable about it. I don't mean to offend anyone but that's the easiest way for me to understand and it sounds like emotional hell. I had no idea it was that difficult for you all but now I am experiencing it myself...
I am in Atlanta. Around everyone, including him..and her now...
he hung out with me and the second time we did. I just couldn't hear my thoughts anymore. the fact that I am out here and now I can physically touch him made me think about her. I am a very very verrrry considerate, kind, overthinking, trusting person. I am aware of my weaknesses, strengths, bad side and good side. I couldn't ignore the fact that he was being more romantic and she's at work 20-30 minutes away from us. I never want to hurt anyone and nor do I want to be seen as someone I am not. not saying that he is but I hate cheaters, I will not create a cheater and I will not ever be a cheater myself. I haven't lied in so long since I was 13 I would say and I do not plan on lying anymore. it is hard for me to speak about serious stuff like this with whatever relationship I am in but communication is key. it builds trust and so many other things. I try very hard to not go overboard with my actions. self control we both have surprisngly. I told him while we were hanging out that he should think about telling her soon. I simply said because if I was her I would want to know everything about my partner at the very beginning and ongoing. neither do I think it is a good idea to wait it out because she's going to get so comfortable and when you finally tell her she won't take it well because you waited 10 years. 10 years of thinking this is who you are when this is who you really are. 10 years of thinking I know you fully and she'll feel like she couldn't be trusted or she wasn't enough. I don't want to hurt her or you or be seen as something evil to her. he understood and he asked me what if she says no...\ 0_0 / I don't know either we just set boundaries or its up to you. I don't know (even though I want to say I don't care we'll still do it). he was hurt a bit but he was grateful that I made him aware of it. he's pretty sensitive emotionally and I felt the same way. I cried because smh my life is insane. so many difficult things I've been through I don't plan on losing another light out of my life. I don't have the that much strength anymore. so its been about 3 or 4 months since I've been here and its going by fast. he said he'll tell her soon but the fear is so strong I can see it.