New here. And need some advice.

[SithJer]

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years, together 14. We have always been in a traditional marriage. My wife is Bi while I am not. I have told her she could be with women as long as she was transparent about it. She however doesn’t seem to want to be with anyone else.

During the marriage, I was introduced to her best friend (the most beautiful woman in my opinion but looks aren’t everything) who is also Bi. That friend is also in a marriage that is also traditional. We used to always hang out and drink. My wife’s friend drunkenly agreed to marry me if we were ever single. This was years ago prior to Covid. And we all say stuff we don’t mean when we are drunk so I thought nothing of it.

Fast forward to about a year ago. I got a new job and ended up working with my wife’s best friend. We hung out at work and talked about life and truly got to know each other. We were so alike we joked that we were like twins, even calling each other brother and sister. We grew close. And she jokingly said that if she were to ever marry someone again it would be me and wouldn’t mind being my 2nd wife. Given she is married I figured it was still a joke. But then I truly started to think about it. And found myself drawn to her more and more.

Her and I hang out a lot. We share similar interests and hobbies so we tend to always do something at least 2 times a week. Recently she’s told me things on how she compares me with her husband. She admitted she knows she is going to lose her husband for various completely valid reasons. She even asked me that when that day comes if I could rush over and help her. I agreed because I’m trying to be a good friend but that deep down I know I love her. I know she feels the same because we also admitted that if things were different we would consider a relationship but we never cross physical boundaries. I would never cross this without being transparent and open with my wife.

The advice I need is that. How do I tell my wife who I love just as deeply, just as connected that I’ve fallen for her friend and want to be with both of them? That I only feel complete when I’m around both of them. I love them both so completely, that I don’t know how to bring this up without losing both of them. Do I stay silent and just keep it all deep inside or do I be honest with them both that the stupid joke about her being my 2nd wife is now my hearts desire.

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, this is certainly a dilemma. I'd say that we've had this situation come up before, and sometimes it works out that a nice V is formed, while other times it goes up in flames, and the potential hinge of the V (i.e., a person like you) ends up losing both their spouse/established partner, and their friend.

I'd say the first step is to stop declaring your love to your friend. (Let's give her a nickname for clarity?) The next step is to introduce the general concept of ethical non-monogamy to your wife (who also needs a nickname).

The success will depend on how open-minded your wife is.

Also, your friend sounds like she is done with her marriage, so she'd have to go through the process of separation and divorce to be free to ethically date you. The drinking and "joking" has to stop, before you take things too far and betray your wife.

Please see our Golden Nuggets section and start reading articles and books such a Opening Up.

 

[IndieSolo]

I’m trying to be a good friend but that deep down I know I love her. I know she feels the same because we also admitted that if things were different we would consider a relationship but we never cross physical boundaries.

From what I quoted above, it seems to me that you might actually be making an assumption. Someone saying they would want to be in a relationship with you under different circumstances is not the same as saying they are in love with you. Has she actually told you she loves you? You may be sure of your own feelings, but I would not recommend telling your wife about any of this before you even know for sure if your feelings for her best friend are reciprocated. Imagine that you did that and your marriage blows up, only to find out that her best friend was just having fun flirting with you. A lot of women flirt with married men because they consider that "safe." Even if she fantasizes about being in a relationship with you, the reality of getting involved may not be something she would actually pursue or want.

Now, carefully talking to your wife about possibly "opening up" your marriage because you're interested in polyamory is another thing altogether. It's possible you could read up about it, broach that subject with your wife, and see if she's willing to discuss or research polyamory, but I wouldn't recommend diving head first into proclaiming your love for her best friend at this stage.

 

[SithJer]

From what I quoted above, it seems to me that you might actually be making an assumption. Someone saying they would want to be in a relationship with you under different circumstances is not the same as saying they are in love with you. Has she actually told you she loves you? You may be sure of your own feelings, but I would not recommend telling your wife about any of this before you even know for sure if your feelings for her best friend are reciprocated. Imagine that you did that and your marriage blows up, only to find out that her best friend was just having fun flirting with you. A lot of women flirt with married men because they consider that "safe." Even if she fantasizes about being in a relationship with you, the reality of getting involved may not be something she would actually pursue or want.

Now, carefully talking to your wife about possibly "opening up" your marriage because you're interested in polyamory is another thing altogether. It's possible you could read up about it, broach that subject with your wife, and see if she's willing to discuss or research polyamory, but I wouldn't recommend diving head first into proclaiming your love for her best friend at this stage.

The friend (let’s call her Kelly) has told me she loves me. Multiple times. In more recent times. It went from her saying “love you” like the way you tell a friend or family to “I love you.” To “I love you so fucking much.” She’s went from quick hugs to flat out holding me and leaning into me. She’s said stated that if her and I were together and married we’d have children. It used to be meaningless flirting, but lately she tells me things she won’t even tell her husband. But I get the point fantasies about being with other people doesn’t mean she wants it. I could be reading into things, yet I don’t think so.

I do not plan on having a relationship with the friend right off the back. I don’t want to rush all this and lose them both. Recently my wife had a health scare. In and out of the hospital. My wife (let’s call Nikki) said if something happened to her she would want me to love again and with someone like Kelly. I think that might be another reason why my heart and mind are all over the place with all this.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello SithJer,

I don't know of any way of talking to Nikki that wouldn't put your marriage at risk ... however, I also don't think you should hide this in the closet. The best I can think of is to say, "Nikki, I think I am in love with both you and Kelly, and I wonder if there's any way I could be with both of you." This might result in a negative or positive response, but it's honest, and that is what matters in a marriage. Monogamy is strongly and exclusively supported in our society, and you just have to hope that Nikki can be open-minded about this in the face of all that. If she says "No," along with other possible negative reactions, you will have to decide if you can honor her wishes and limit your relationship with Kelly. I'm sorry there isn't an easier answer for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.