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Letsgiveitatry

New member
I am a 52biM married to a 49flexibleF. We have a large family with kids from middle school age to college age. I’m in technology and she is an educator. We’ve been soft swap swingers for about a year and have recently met a single/divorced 33biM. We went from casual encounters with couples to a full blown boyfriend in an instant and this has me off kilter. I registered for this site to learn and to find support. We both are head over heels for this guy. He’s a 10/10 - he’s kind, smart, caring, respectful, spiritual, funny, gentle, loving, charismatic, sensual and is an incredibly beautiful man. Seemingly a perfect match for both of us. The sexual energy and connection we have in the bedroom is mind blowing. There is no jealousy in the bedroom. In and out of the bedroom he is amazing at making us both feel important and desired.

As we each deepen our 4 way relationships, I’m finding their relationship is triggering every aspect of my childhood trauma. I’m using the strategies from Open Deeply to process these emotions and talking to mostly her about how she can support me through this and what I can do differently, but I have a perpetual pit in my stomach. We’ve agreed that to some extent our 25 year relationship with my wife ‘ends’ and a new relationship begins if we are going to be successful long term. We are focused on eliminating hierarchy and privilege, as the idea of that is crushing to me.

I want this. I love the idea of both of us loving him. I love the idea of both of us being loved by him. I love the idea of the 3 of us loving each other.

Trying to take one day at a time and building the tool set to manage through this.
 
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Greetings Letsgiveitatry,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are just now in the transition from swinging to poly ... and it's so new that you are finding it a mighty bit jarring. Polyamory.com can help you; post your story in Relationships Corner and you will get lots of responses. Glad to have you with us!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi, so you don't need to rewrite this, I am going to move it over to the forum for advice Kevin mentioned. :)
 
Letsgiveitatry said:
I am a 52biM married to a 49flexibleF. We have a large family with kids from middle school age to college age. I’m in technology and she is an educator. We’ve been soft swap swingers for about a year and have recently met a single/divorced 33biM. We went from casual encounters with couples to a full blown boyfriend in an instant and this has me off kilter. I registered for this site to learn and to find support. We both are head over heels for this guy. He’s a 10/10 - he’s kind, smart, caring, respectful, spiritual, funny, gentle, loving, charismatic, sensual and is an incredibly beautiful man. Seemingly a perfect match for both of us. The sexual energy and connection we have in the bedroom is mind blowing. There is no jealousy in the bedroom. In and out of the bedroom he is amazing at making us both feel important and desired.

As we each deepen our 4 way relationships, I’m finding their relationship is triggering every aspect of my childhood trauma. I’m using the strategies from Open Deeply to process these emotions and talking to mostly her about how she can support me through this and what I can do differently, but I have a perpetual pit in my stomach. We’ve agreed that to some extent our 25 year relationship with my wife ‘ends’ and a new relationship begins if we are going to be successful long term. We are focused on eliminating hierarchy and privilege, as the idea of that is crushing to me.

I want this. I love the idea of both of us loving him. I love the idea of both of us being loved by him. I love the idea of the 3 of us loving each other.

Trying to take one day at a time and building the tool set to manage through this.
Click to expand...
Okay, good analysis.

Do you have any specific questions around what you need from us? It sounds like a great set-up. What is missing for you that triggers you so badly, causing you to feel, I assume, abandoned?

What can you do around dating this person? What can your wife and new bf do? Do you need a schedule for dates? Do you need more quality time with wife? Do you want less time spent talking about and texting new bf? Something else?

Have you read the book Polysecure? It could help with understanding the issues and with tips for overcoming these difficulties?
 
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