New here, looking to vent, maybe get some advice

[jojo_]

Hello, everyone.

My partner and I have been together going on 6 yrs now. We opened our relationship a few years back and didn't have a great experience. Parts were really fun, but I wasn't dealing with or even aware of the feelings I was having regarding my partner dating and sleeping with other people.

I won't get too much into it, but basically, I have trust issues resulting from infidelity in my parents' marriage, and it debilitated my ability to process my emotions during that time. I'm a recovering alcoholic and relapsed when emotions became overwhelming.

We are in a good place now, and after a long time of self-reflection, becoming more familiar with myself, and growing trust in our relationship, I find I still wish to practice at least a form of polyamoury, whatever it might look like for us in the future. I still very much have to fight the feelings I recognize as coming from my childhood, while remembering that my partner and I have been and are still being open and honest with each other.

She has recently met someone who could potentially become more than just friends for her. We had a conversation and established boundaries. I let her know I'm not yet ready for anything more than just flirting for now, and we both agreed to take things very slow and stop and check in with each other whenever new emotions/situations arise.

She showed me a "sexy" picture they sent her and I had an anxiety attack. I realized it was triggering emotions related to abandonment and trust issues from childhood, after I was able to be calm and think about what exactly was bothering me about this picture and why. So I'm afraid of what other emotions might come up as time goes by and not being able to deal with them, especially knowing a reaction like that affects her, as well. I trust her, so I'm not worried about being betrayed, and I don't feel jealous.

I do, however, feel really strange, because I'm so used to feeling paranoia and fear, but am now letting those feelings go, instead of holding on to them. I feel that I should be vigilant and on guard of a threat. There is no reason. She's assured me she has no intention of pursuing this person romantically.

Part of my issues before was not being able to deal with all the attention she was getting, vs the 0 attention for me. I felt left behind. We talked about this, as well, and made plans for this weekend to go out so I can mingle and flirt to get my confidence back. I think doing this will help me feel more secure, but I have reservations. I feel guilt in talking to other women even though she's been encouraging me. And part of me wants to panic thinking she's been so supportive because she wants to sleep with other people. We both have expressed that is what we both eventually want. I'm having a hard time fully letting go of the negative feelings and fully trusting.

Thank you for reading this long post, if you do, and for any advice.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello jojo_,

It sounds like you have baggage from your past, you need to start unpacking it as your partner has given you every reason to trust her. Truth be told, nothing is ever 100% safe, but if you mistrust everything, you can miss out on the parts of life that can be really good. I do have some concerns that your partner was giving her new partner all the attention, while she gave zero to you. This is probably NRE at work, but you should have a talk with her about that. Just because you have some baggage to unpack, doesn't mean that your needs should be pushed aside. Hopefully you and your partner can work this out.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

It sounds like you're being brave and taking a good hard look at unresolved childhood issues and how they affect your ability to open your relationship. We have a great list of resources (books, articles, a podcast, as well as archived consolidated threads on specific topics here, going back 16 years). Check it out.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

Perhaps the book Polysecure would be helpful for your stated issues.

I was just wondering what the genders of you and your partners are. You don't have to say if you don't want. But often women get more attention from men as they (re)enter the dating pool. I can't tell if you're M and she's F (or other genders, such as being non-conforming), or which gender(s) you are each attracted to (straight, gay, pan). But this dynamic can affect your security, FOMO, the loneliness factor, envy, etc.

 

[jojo_]

It sounds like you're being brave and taking a good hard look at unresolved childhood issues and how they affect your ability to open your relationship. We have a great list of resources (books, articles, a podcast, as well as archived consolidated threads on specific topics here, going back 16 years). Check it out.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

Perhaps the book Polysecure would be helpful for your stated issues.

I was just wondering what the genders of you and your partners are. You don't have to say if you don't want. But often women get more attention from men as they (re)enter the dating pool. I can't tell if you're M and she's F (or other genders, such as being non-conforming), or which gender(s) you are each attracted to (straight, gay, pan). But this dynamic can affect your security, FOMO, the loneliness factor, envy, etc.

We're both girls. I'm more on the masc side, she's more on the fem side. I know that's a factor, as well.

Before she and I met, I was a heavy drinker, so all of my sexual interactions had always been drunk. It makes it difficult for me to even approach women, let alone flirt as a sober person.

I think I felt left behind, because in a way I am behind. I started drinking at 13. Throughout the years we've been together, I've been sober, and I've had to learn for the first time how to recognize feelings, confront those feelings, and allot of other 1st times that non-alcoholics experience normally.

I freaked out a little today while I was driving. I honestly don't even know why.

I was feeling a little insecure last night, and when I woke up I still felt that way, so I asked my girlfriend to see the messages between them. Everything was cool. There was flirting and more flirty pictures, but it made me feel a little better to read and know everything.

But then driving home this morning, I had another anxiety attack. I'm glad it happened away from her, as to not further traumatize her with my freak outs. But this time I can't figure out what made me so upset, because now I feel OK.

I wish I could afford therapy.

 

[kdt26417]

I am sorry you are having these freak-outs, I hope they decrease in size and frequency as time goes on. Just be honest with your partner, and let her know that you are having some freak-outs, and that you don't necessarily know why. Let her know that you are okay with how things are going at the moment (as long as you can say that truthfully). In general I would just say take things slow (hopefully she'll be willing to take things slow), and just be honest about where you are as the two of you go along.

 

[Magdlyn]

We're both girls. I'm more on the masc side, she's more on the fem side. I know that's a factor, as well.

Well, lots of lesbians are attracted to masc women, so I think you'll be ok.

Before she and I met, I was a heavy drinker, so all of my sexual interactions had always been drunk. It makes it difficult for me to even approach women, let alone flirt as a sober person. I think I felt left behind, because in a way I am behind. I started drinking at 13.

I see. Congrats on your sobriety. If it started before you met, it's been at least 6 years! That's great! Do you attend AA weekly? I am sure many people at meetings can relate to having to build social skills from scratch, learn how to relate to others, have fun conversations, and yes, flirt and date, in a sober manner. I haven't been there, but I sympathize.

Throughout the years we've been together, I've been sober, and I've had to learn for the first time how to recognize feelings, confront those feelings, and a lot of other 1st times that non-alcoholics experience normally.

So you've had 6+ years of learning new skills in other areas of your life, as sober person, and now "several years" of being in an open relationship, but still feel shaky with feelings and skills? What progress have you made?

I freaked out a little today while I was driving. I honestly don't even know why.

I was feeling a little insecure last night, and when I woke up I still felt that way, so I asked my girlfriend to see the messages between them. Everything was cool. There was flirting and more flirty pictures, but it made me feel a little better to read and know everything.

Some people like to know more details than others about what goes on between their partner and their metamours (their partner's partners). Some people only want to know that their partner is sexually active, but practicing safer sex. However, your partner needs the permission of her OSO to share their conversations with you, since those conversations don't involve you. They are spoken in confidence between the two of them. Does her OSO even know you are looking at intimate pix of her? You should STOP this until you have her full informed consent.

But then driving home this morning, I had another anxiety attack. I'm glad it happened away from her, as to not further traumatize her with my freak-outs. But this time I can't figure out what made me so upset, because now I feel OK.

It seems seeing those text convos and the pix didn't even permanently help you. Your feelings are up and down. Your confidence needs to come from within, not from seeing private messages and emails between your partner and her OSO.

I wish I could afford therapy.

Some therapists offer help on a sliding scale. My partner Pixi and I are queer, and we go to a health clinic that, while it serves the general public, specializes in the LGBTQ+ community. Since many queers are underemployed, they offer sliding scale services in all area-- behavioral, general health, dental, eyecare, labs, mammograms, etc. (This is Fenway Health in Boston.) You could see if anything like this is available to you in your city. Maybe even online sessions would be an option.

I am guessing you were kicked out of your family for being gay and/or gender non-conforming when you were a young teen, or maybe that was just part of it. I'm sorry you went through that.

 

[jojo_]

It sounds like you're being brave and taking a good hard look at unresolved childhood issues and how they affect your ability to open your relationship. We have a great list of resources (books, articles, a podcast, as well as archived consolidated threads on specific topics here, going back 16 years). Check it out.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

Perhaps the book Polysecure would be helpful for your stated issues.

I was just wondering what the genders of you and your partners are. You don't have to say if you don't want. But often women get more attention from men as they (re)enter the dating pool. I can't tell if you're M and she's F (or other genders, such as being non-conforming), or which gender(s) you are each attracted to (straight, gay, pan). But this dynamic can affect your

It sounds like you're being brave and taking a good hard look at unresolved childhood issues and how they affect your ability to open your relationship. We have a great list of resources (books, articles, a podcast, as well as archived consolidated threads on specific topics here, going back 16 years). Check it out.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

Perhaps the book Polysecure would be helpful for your stated issues.

I was just wondering what the genders of you and your partners are. You don't have to say if you don't want. But often women get more attention from men as they (re)enter the dating pool. I can't tell if you're M and she's F (or other genders, such as being non-conforming), or which gender(s) you are each attracted to (straight, gay, pan). But this dynamic can affect your security, FOMO, the loneliness factor, envy, etc.

Well, lots of lesbians are attracted to masc women, so I think you'll be ok.

I see. Congrats on your sobriety. If it started before you met, it's been at least 6 years! That's great! Do you attend AA weekly? I am sure many people at meetings can relate to having to build social skills from scratch, learn how to relate to others, have fun conversations, and yes, flirt and date, in a sober manner. I haven't been there, but I sympathize.

So you've had 6+ years of learning new skills in other areas of your life, as sober person, and now "several years" of being in an open relationship, but still feel shaky with feelings and skills? What progress have you made?

Some people like to know more details than others about what goes on between their partner and their metamours (their partner's partners). Some people only want to know that their partner is sexually active, but practicing safer sex. However, your partner needs the permission of her OSO to share their conversations with you, since those conversations don't involve you. They are spoken in confidence between the two of them. Does her OSO even know you are looking at intimate pix of her? You should STOP this until you have her full informed consent.

It seems seeing those text convos and the pix didn't even permanently help you. Your feelings are up and down. Your confidence needs to come from within, not from seeing private messages and emails between your partner and her OSO.

Some therapists offer help on a sliding scale. My partner Pixi and I are queer, and we go to a health clinic that, while it serves the general public, specializes in the LGBTQ+ community. Since many queers are underemployed, they offer sliding scale services in all area-- behavioral, general health, dental, eyecare, labs, mammograms, etc. (This is Fenway Health in Boston.) You could see if anything like this is available to you in your city. Maybe even online sessions would be an option.

I am guessing you were kicked out of your family for being gay and/or gender non-conforming when you were a young teen, or maybe that was just part of it. I'm sorry you went through that.

Hi magdlyn,
I wanted to thank you for your replies and for you recommendation. I read polysecure and it's been immensely helpful. I was able to feel validated in my feelings, comforted in realizing what I've been feeling is normal, and The book helped me identify the source of many of my triggers. Im currently reading anxious attachment recovery by Lena winters as well as following jessica fern's youtube channel. My gf and I have had many more conversations since, and although I still have some pretty tough days, we are able to talk everything out. I feel I'm slowly able to let my walls down and am feeling safer being vulnerable and am able to trust in her more. I still am having trouble elevating my self worth but I dont expect any overnight changes.

They are aware that I have full access to my partners phone. My gf spoke with them in the beginning about that, about boundaries, and about what each of them are looking for from this new relationship.

We opened our relationship for a short while a few years ago and closed after things didn't go too well. We talked about opening up again a short while ago and both agreed it's what we want. This time around I'm trying to be fully aware of the feelings I'm having throughout, after realizing that last time around I was not dealing with any feelings, just suppressing them. I have made big progress. Not being able to recognize negative feelings growing inside to understanding those feelings and triggers are coming from a place of childhood trauma and learning to regulate and communicate has been enormous for me.

I think I've been shy to talk to women not just because I have such low self esteem, but because I feel guilt in being attracted towards let alone approaching other women. I find it difficult to make eye contact. My initial reaction when a girl looks at me (if im attracted to them) is to immediately look away. And I am just extremely shy. Any advice on getting past this I would greatly appreciate as well. And just general dating advice would helpfull too.

I really appreciate your hospitality to this forum, and i can't express how much of a guiding light you advice/recomendation has been. I dont know anyone in my personal life who is or has been non monogamous so I've had no one to talk to about this other than my partner. And although I love that we are able to talk about anything, I need an outsiders perspective who can relate. Someone who has no emotional investment with us, but knows what it's like. So thank you again

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi Magdlyn,

Hey Jojo, I'm so glad you're back.

I wanted to thank you for your replies and for you recommendation. I read Polysecure and it's been immensely helpful. I was able to feel validated in my feelings, comforted in realizing what I've been feeling is normal, and the book helped me identify the source of many of my triggers. I'm currently reading Anxious Attachment Recovery by Lena Winters, as well as following Jessica Fern's YouTube channel. My gf and I have had many more conversations since, and although I still have some pretty tough days, we are able to talk everything out. I feel I'm slowly able to let my walls down and am feeling safer being vulnerable and am able to trust in her more. I still am having trouble elevating my self worth, but I don't expect any overnight changes.

They are aware that I have full access to my partner's phone. My gf spoke with them in the beginning about that, about boundaries, and about what each of them are looking for from this new relationship.

We opened our relationship for a short while a few years ago, and closed after things didn't go too well. We talked about opening up again a short while ago and both agreed it's what we want. This time around, I'm trying to be fully aware of the feelings I'm having throughout, after realizing that last time around I was not dealing with any feelings, just suppressing them. I have made big progress. Not being able to recognize negative feelings growing inside, to understanding those feelings and triggers are coming from a place of childhood trauma. Learning to regulate and communicate has been enormous for me.

I am very glad to hear about your progress.

I think I've been shy to talk to women, not just because I have such low self esteem, but because I feel guilt in being attracted towards, let alone approaching other women. I find it difficult to make eye contact. My initial reaction when a girl looks at me (if im attracted to them) is to immediately look away. And I am just extremely shy. Any advice on getting past this I would greatly appreciate as well. And just general dating advice would helpfull too.

Well, I guess you are saying you feel guilty about being attracted to women in general? I guess you were shamed about this by your family as a younger person, a dependent child/teen. That's one more thing to become aware of and let go of. In this day and age, gays are becoming so well accepted. I mean, I know it varies by region, but there really is a lot less stigma overall. What you've got is internalized homophobia.

I grew up in a progressive area... I was raised on Long Island, New York (near NYC). I was interested in women, but mostly dated men. I went to college in Philadelphia, and my school and apartments were actually in the gayborhood of Center City. It was great. After college I moved to Boston, again, very progressive.

If you were raised in the Bible Belt by evangelicals, I understand the struggle is very real. We all have to overcome childhood issues. Usually we start to rise above our conditioning in our late 20s, but the effort is ongoing throughout our 30s. Often we gets to feel more like our authentic selves in our 40s. We gain confidence and stop giving so much of a shit what others think.

You do need to learn to love and appreciate yourself. There is nothing as sexy as confidence. (Not arrogance. Find that balance.)

I really appreciate your hospitality to this forum, and i can't express how much of a guiding light your advice/recommendation has been. I don't know anyone in my personal life who is or has been non-monogamous, so I've had no one to talk to about this other than my partner. And although I love that we are able to talk about anything, I need an outsider's perspective who can relate. Someone who has no emotional investment with us, but knows what it's like. So thank you again.

Please keep coming back here and letting us know how you're doing. There are lots of cool open-minded experienced people here. We have all struggled with polyamory issues, and many of us are also queer, in one way or another.

 

[jojo_]

Well, I guess you are saying you feel guilty about being attracted to women in general? I guess you were shamed about this by your family as a younger person, a dependent child/teen. That's one more thing to become aware of and let go of. In this day and age, gays are becoming so well accepted. I mean, I know it varies by region, but there really is a lot less stigma overall. What you've got is internalized homophobia.

Not exactly, even though we have talked it all out, we have set some boundaries, and not only is she OK with me seeing other people, but is happy to be a wingman, I have guilt about being attracted to someone who's not my partner. Its internalized because like I stated before, my initial reaction is to look away.

 

[jojo_]

Please keep coming back here and letting us know how you're doing. There are lots of cool open-minded experienced people here. We have all struggled with polyamory issues, and many of us are also queer, in one way or another.

I was having a rough time, and needed to focus on getting myself in a better state of mind before I felt ready to return to everything. Unfortunately my schoolwork has been suffering as well, but I'm feeling stronger now. I will definitely continue to come back. I really appreciate this forum existing and how accepting everyone here has been.

 

[kdt26417]

I'm glad we could help.

 

[Magdlyn]

Not exactly, even though we have talked it all out, we have set some boundaries, and not only is she OK with me seeing other people, but is happy to be a wingman, I have guilt about being attracted to someone who's not my partner. Its internalized because like I stated before, my initial reaction is to look away.

Okay, thanks. It was just a guess. What you say makes sense. It's not the internalized homophobia, it's the monogamous conditioning. Got it.

 

[jojo_]

Okay, thanks. It was just a guess. What you say makes sense. It's not the internalized homophobia, it's the monogamous conditioning. Got it.

Yes! Monogamous conditioning. I did grow up not in a religious household but an extremely religious traditional mexican family. Like aunts and cousins were all jehovas witness and although my parents were not religious they were very traditional as far as gender roles go. Unstable as well, alchoholic/serial womanizer father who i idolized as a child. And my mom, doing her best, but used my brother and i as therapists.

I came out at 30 when I got serious with my now gf and although my mom has had a tough time accepting, our relationship has gotten alot better. The rest of my family though not so much. My cousins are great though.

But yes, the Monogamous conditioning is incredibly difficult to silence. It feels like everything is screaming at me, "this is wrong! Your being betrayed! Your a cheater if you even look at that girl!" My stomach gets all naughted and it takes alot to keep myself from spiraling. I started journaling when I'm in panic mode and it's helping me observe my thoughts with a clear head. It's crazy how I dramatize situations or straight up lie to myself about specific details. I end up filtering out the lies and exaggerations and am left with only the genuine worries and questions I have. Which I can then address with myself or with my partner from a calm and curious place instead of coming from fear and panic.

 

[Magdlyn]

You are not alone! Many, if not most, people coming to polyamory go through this feeling to a degree. I'm from the next older generation to you (ha, my hand wanted to spell it genderation ) and I have always felt polyamorous. I'd get crushes all the time on people other than my official spouse. But I stayed in a hetero monogamous marriage for about 30 years, with my husband thinking of me as evil. sigh... I never cheated, but he was always so territorial and watching me like a hawk. I left the relationship in 2008 and never looked back.

Journaling is a great idea and I am glad it's helping! Being gay, and masc, with a polyamorous partner must be hard in a traditional Mexican family, whether it's Catholic or JW! And of course, men think they can (cheat) have multiple gfs, but heaven forbid women do it. Yikes. Keep pursuing your authentic self.