New here, new to polyamory, and in need of advice

R

Rainbows

New member
Hi everyone!

I'm so excited to be here. I'm from Cape Town, and my husband and I have been together for six years, and married for three. We've become polyamorous within the last 3 months and both of us found a "secondary" (still learning the lingo), and it ain't easy!

I'm going to add my story, in the hope of advice and I apologise in advance if this is in the wrong folder!? I'm still new! Guidance is appreciated in every form.

I was initially interested in giving it a go because I found our sex life wasn't ticking all the boxes for either of us, despite being best friends and adoring each other. We're really happy together – my husband, alongside my dad, is the best human I've ever met. We're non-conventional and so were open to trying something new and so ... here we are!

I met someone at work who I felt a strong vibe with and my husband liked him a lot too, so I started seeing him after we agreed and they chatted. My husband met another woman and they started seeing each other, but she recently went back to her ex. I really like her and hope that her relationship makes her happy but, if it does end, I hope that she'd give things another go with my partner. Sometimes, I do wonder if she would have liked a stronger relationship with my husband, but I've tried to leave it in his hands because I trust him and it's not my place to intervene.

My situation is what I'm finding complicated. I really like the other man I'm seeing, I think he's great and would love to make it more ... official, I guess. We confide in each other (he's had a complicated childhood and has told me very intimate details about it), the sex is great, we laugh a lot, he does small gestures at work to show he cares (leaving things on my desk). This makes me feel like it's not a simple case of "he's just not that into you". :p He comes out when I ask him and often meets up when I want to, but he never initiates contact. We spoke about it and he says he doesn't want to step on my husband's toes and, when I tried to explain to him that my husband knows I would never leave him, he jokingly told me he didn't want to be my boyfriend (because that would be weird for a normal person, right – boyfriend to a married woman). He would like to meet his own person someday (and I want that for him too). He said he does care for me, and enjoys spending time with me.

I guess the question I'm leading up to, in light of the above is – how do you ease someone into the idea of being a secondary? What benefit is there for a secondary? It sounds like a position I couldn't handle being in. How can I move this relationship from a physical realm into something more intimate? Or should I not be trying because that's not what he seems to want?

How does everyone here navigate the landscape of polyamory!? I was never very good at dating (got very intense) and I feel like a 16 year old uncertain girl all over again, which makes me behave mildly obsessively (which my colleague seems to totally take in his stride but which makes me feel awful about myself). I also feel like the insecurity of my secondary relationship is seeping into my primary. How do you keep it separate? I also talk about the secondary all the time because it's new. My husband doesn't complain but it must be awful for him.

So many questions! We're not open about our situation yet so it's kind of a relief to verbalise all of this!

Thanks for reading!
 
Hi Rainbows - welcome to the forum! I've been here about 6 months now, learning to navigate my way in a mono turned poly marriage. I will leave the advice up to the veterans, however - and just say - Best of Luck on your poly journey! Al
 
Greetings Rainbows,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

In general, I would advise you to take things slowly, one step at a time. Frequent Polyamory.com and ask specific questions here as situations arise. The More than Two website may be helpful to you also.

In particular, I would suggest that you may want to rethink the secondary structure/s you're using, or at least be aware of what that's like from the secondary's point of view. This guy you're seeing, he wants to be someone's primary and you want to persuade him to do otherwise, yet I'm not sure there's a way to persuade him. What about the idea of having more than one primary partner? Would your husband be interested in that idea? Perhaps it's something to talk about.

In the end, of course, you need to do what works best for you. I'll try to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi Al and Kevin!

Thanks so much for the warm welcome :)

Kevin, how does one go about managing two primaries? That sounds like a serious balancing act.

Does anyone have any tips or are there any threads about introducing an additional partner to polyamory? I think it must sound bizarre to someone who was originally looking for something more conventional.

Super happy to be here!!
 
Welcome. I'm sorry you are struggling a bit.

FWIW, overall you guys sound like you are doing mostly ok though. Take heart in that.

He comes out when I ask him and often meets up when I want to, but he never initiates contact.
Click to expand...

I suppose you could accept it how it is. You keep initiating date plans and accept that he might never initiate because that's not one of this strengths.

Or you could ask him to (initiate sometimes and do his fair share.) Not leave all the calendar work to you. Find ways to do his fair share. If he thinks making a phone call is disruptive to your home life and "stepping on hubby's toes" -- despite reassurances that it isn't? To own it and say "*I* am just not comfortable doing that right now."

Hubby's toes? Are hubby's job. He could let husband manage his own feelings because that is husband's job to be doing. Not BF's. Presumably hubby agrees to be here in a poly network. Presumably he understands that you have to do calendars with other people you date. Where is surprise?

IF BF is not comfortable calling, he could solve it with another way -- email or text then. Or leave you note at work. BF manages to leave other things. Maybe he doesn't want to do too much "kitchen table poly" and prefers to practice a more "separate V."

Either way... calendar is calendar. It has to be dealt with.

I guess the question I'm leading up to, in light of the above is – how do you ease someone into the idea of being a secondary?
Click to expand...

He already is your secondary partner. He's basically your BF/lover/secondary partner. Whether it is "official" or not.

What benefit is there for a secondary? It sounds like a position I couldn't handle being in. How can I move this relationship from a physical realm into something more intimate? Or should I not be trying because that's not what he seems to want?
Click to expand...

Ask him what the benefits of this are to him. Ask him what he would like with you long term. Clearly he's participating. Why? You seem to want to know.

He mentions finding a primary partner of his own. You seem willing for him to date others. But what if the other doesn't want to poly? Do you guys prepare to break up at that point? Change the model to something else? Does he want coprimary model at some point? Do you?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships

You don't have to know all these things instantly. But in dating to see if you are initially compatible and then deeply compatible -- you keep getting to know each other and what it is you each want. Be ok with this stuff happening over time. Learn to sit with your anxiety and find other ways to manage it.

How does everyone here navigate the landscape of polyamory!? I was never very good at dating (got very intense) and I feel like a 16 year old uncertain girl all over again, which makes me behave mildly obsessively (which my colleague seems to totally take in his stride but which makes me feel awful about myself).
Click to expand...

You expect yourself to be instantly skilled at dating now as an adult when in your past you were not? What exactly makes you feel awful about yourself? Unrealistic expectations of yourself?

Your colleague seems to take it in stride and accept that you are learning to be the hinge. Can you accept yourself as learning to be a hinge?

I also feel like the insecurity of my secondary relationship is seeping into my primary. How do you keep it separate? I also talk about the secondary all the time because it's new. My husband doesn't complain but it must be awful for him.
Click to expand...

You are learning how to be a hinge person -- the shared sweetie. Be ok with that.

Don't "whoosh" at your people. Obtain consent first. Treat them respectfully. Ask if they are willing to listen/give feedback BEFORE just jumping into "processing" whatever is on your mind. Expect them to own their side of the job and tell you

"Yes, willing and able at this time. You can talk to me and process some."​

or

"No, not willing and able at this time. Talk to someone else."​

Being the hinge doesn't mean you do everyone else's work for them or that everything is on you.

You could do your jobs and expect them to do theirs. Since you cannot be a mind reader and you have things you want to know? You could ASK. They can answer or not... but at that point that's their jobs. You are doing yours.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Rainbows,

Managing two primaries is a balancing act, but not an impossible one. You don't necessarily divide everything 50/50, you assess needs and go from there. My partner has another partner, and we are both primaries to her. We just figured it out as the years rolled by, til now we have a comfortable routine. Every poly unit is different, depending on the individuals.

Likewise how you introduce an additional partner to polyamory depends on the individual. For instance, it depends on what/how much they already know about poly. And what/how much they already know about your situation. No one-size-fits-all answers here.

With more specific information, we can give more specific advice.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Galagirl and Kevin. Thank you so much for such thoughtful, thought-provoking, non-judgmental advice. It's so appreciated.

I'm going to spend some time thinking through all of it. :)
 
Hi there

I'm new to poly myself and your questions are hard ones, so not sure if what I say will even ring true for you, but I hope there may be something in what I say that you may find useful.

I feel from reading many other stories on this forum that secondaries sometimes feel something missing and wish for a primary of their own. This usually starts happening later in the relationship. Your new boyfriend may have better insight into what he wants compared to most others if he is already making it clear that he wants something primary for himself.

So the question is, what is it that he wants that you can't give? Does he want children? Can you give him children? Does he want a house to himself and his wife? Hold your hands, kiss in public and introduce you to his family? These are all things that a secondary is sometimes denied and he (or someone close to him) may be asking him what it is that he really wants from a relationship. Polyamory is not for everybody and, like some of the replies above, I would consider his views on what he wants with empathy first before trying to convince him that life as a secondary will work out for him.

Sorry if this is something you've already done for him. It just wasn't clear from the post you gave us that you were aware of why he was hesitant in accepting a secondary role. Sometimes internet forums are like that - full of misunderstanding due to the brevity of the summary we are forced to give. If my advice has been unhelpful, please feel free to ignore it.

Wishing you all the best,
Shaya.
 
Rainbows said:
both of us found a "secondary" ...
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That's great! Where? At the Secondary Store in the Arm Candy Aisle? How much did he (it?) cost?

Rainbows said:
My husband met another woman and they started seeing each other... I do wonder if she would have liked a stronger relationship with my husband,
Click to expand...
Why would she want that? Did he tell her this would be a real relationship? Like any other? That could go anywhere they wanted it to? Or did he tell her this would be one or two nights a week when he needs to distract himself while his wife is out on a date?


Rainbows said:
but I've tried to leave it in his hands because I trust him and it's not my place to intervene.
Click to expand...
You trust him to...what? To treat her like a real human being in a real relationship which might (like so many other real relationships) turn into love and his desire to be with her full time? Which could mean the end of your marriage?

Or do you trust him to make sure she remembers that she's just the part time honey he picked up in the Secondary Story in the Novelties Aisle where he 'found a secondary?'

Rainbows said:
...he never initiates contact. .... he jokingly told me he didn't want to be my boyfriend (because that would be weird for a normal person, right – boyfriend to a married woman). He would like to meet his own person someday (and I want that for him too). ....

I guess the question I'm leading up to, in light of the above is – how do you ease someone into the idea of being a secondary? What benefit is there for a secondary? It sounds like a position I couldn't handle being in. How can I move this relationship from a physical realm into something more intimate? Or should I not be trying because that's not what he seems to want?
Click to expand...

Let's see...he doesn't initiate contact. He wants a girlfriend who wants to actually be there with HIM full time and MAKE A LIFE with HIM. He's been pretty clear about this.

He might want a woman who doesn't laugh in his face and say, "Oh, honey, I'd NEVER leave anything or anyone for YOU! No worries about that!" [I know, I know, devotion to primary is admirable and all...but consider how those words sound if said to you...hell no, I'd never leave my work/state/country/spouse/much of anything for YOU. You know where you stand when you hear those words. Why would he want that?]

And your response to him being very clear on what he wants is "How do I convince him to give all that up for me? [when I'm not willing to give up much of anything for him?]"

OR: How do I convince him that being the two day a week option is good enough for him, when I freely admit it wouldn't be good enough for me?

OR: How do I convince him that his life isn't really that important and he should just put his future, wife, kids, family, someone he can take home to his parents and to his company party without awkward questions and build a life with....put that all on hold so I can have a boytoy I really like (cause, ya know, I found it in the Secondary Store and I really really like it and want it.)?

Good question: What IS in it for the secondary? The fact that you have to ask tells you all you need to know. If you really want him to stay with you, brainstorm and put together such a list of what is so amazing about you that he should put on hold meeting a woman who will make him her priority, not her once or twice a week option. A woman who will make him her real and whole life, not just the part of her life where her husband is off screwing other women and he's a great distraction that she can later swap stories with her husband about.

You say you want that for him, too...to meet someone who will be his partner in life, put him first. Yet you're here asking us how you can convince him to shelve that for awhile to stay with you. Do you see the problem here? You say you want it for him...but your actions don't match your words. I think what you want *more* is for him to stay with you.

Leave this guy alone. It sounds to me like he's attracted to you but trying to resist because he sees the danger here: a woman who is never going to make him her priority, yet distract him and draw him away from a woman who would. He's telling you upfront he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. Sure, maybe you can lure him in. But that's not to his ultimate good. Leave him alone.
 
Ouch. WhatHappened had some harsh words, Rainbow, but don't feel too bad. Truth is, most people trying poly for the first time won't be doing it as well as those who have been doing it for years. I'm an awesome example of doing poly terribly. The advice that people are giving you here comes from years of experience (except for me who doesn't have any experience). Sometimes our advice sounds harsh because we're feeling bad at something similar that has happened in our past and our harsh words reflect our tragedy. Internet forums are like that. Trained counsellors on the other hand are better at keeping their private selves separate from their client's situation.

Something you might find worth reading is Frank Veaux's proposed Bill of Rights for Secondaries. It may answer your questions about what secondaries get from a relationship. You may also find relationship escalator or relationship non escalator resources useful in trying to reconcile what you want and what your new boyfriend wants.

Don't be too bummed. NRE can be an addictive cocktail that makes us want things strongly. Some on this forum have said that NRE brings out the worst in us. I would say that it flavours us with a cognitive bias that affects our decision-making process. In addition to that, polyamory is often sold to newcomers from monogamy as a way of having your cake and eating it too without consideration of secondaries. I had a rant about the way the popular media sells polyamory to newcomers recently and i think we all fall prey to the media impression of polyamory early on before we form our own healthier view of polyamory.

Anyway, I think you're doing alright. Just work through your issues with those you love, listening to them with empathy. If you're not feeling too disheartened, I have found that this forum still has a lot of good advice and useful tips.

Good luck,
Shaya.
 
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