New here, saying hi

[AngelDuncan]

My name is Angel, I’m 56 and live in the US southeast.

A little about my story: I’ve pretty much been poly since college. I decided to start dating a man named Duncan who was openly poly, and was up front about it from the start. He was 6 years my senior, in the military and also had a NP. Things were fine the first two years, until his partner became pregnant. After that, she didn’t want to change our arrangements, but made it clear she never wanted to see me in person. Since we had two very different friends groups and lived on opposite sides of the state, it wasn’t an issue.

Over the next 30 years, we stayed a “couple” throughout his many deployments. I had other partners, and children, one his, one with another, and we loved each other till his death in 2017. When I changed my name a while back, I took his name as my last name to match our child.

After he passed, I stopped dating altogether until 2023; grief was a journey I was gentle with myself going through mindfully. Then I met Ian, also poly and we began, at first, just really sleeping together. Over time, we caught feelings and I slowly (with many a ghosting on my part, i.e., I am told I am VERY much an Aquarius) and fell in love. The ghosting was because I struggled, illogically, with feeling like I wasn’t ready for love. Duncan I had loved, and though I cared sometimes deeply for other men I had in my life, I can’t say I loved them in the same way as I did him. It’s been nearly two years now, and I though I love Ian, who makes me very happy, I feel like I’m in a very different sort of poly sphere and am here to have a place to talk about some of the challenges of that.

Ian not only calls me his “girlfriend” (a word I nearly jumped ship at when he first called me that) but he has another semi-permanent “girlfriend” named Lisa, and also dates other women in more casual relationships. We all practice safely and get regular STD testing. All this is fine, though some of the dynamics with Lisa, who has very different ideas about poly than myself, are an ongoing issue. Nothing ground-shattering, but the relationship dynamics are new to me, and though I don’t find them dealbreakers, I want to learn more. I hope to find people here to talk to about some of the feelings I’m working with and expand my understanding of how those emotions are best dealt with.

I’ll leave off this intro with stating that Ian and I communicate well and he is always safe and open to talk to about our relationship. I’m open to and encourage any questions, since I don’t know how much to say and don’t want to flood ya’ll with too much info.

So hi everyone.

 

[Bsweet2Bev]

Welcome, you’ve found a good safe place to land here. I’ve never had poly dynamics that involved children so I really can’t speak to that. I do understand the grief aspect as I lost my husband in 2021. Currently I’m not poly in the sexual sense. I’m only having sex with one partner, but I date another guy who we aren’t intimate together. I feel that he isn’t ready after losing his wife. She was the only woman for him ever, high school sweethearts. My nesting partner is a former lover that I was in a V or hinge with my husband before he passed. We all shared a house for almost 20 years, so I’m trying to maintain it as a retirement investment.

I explained all that just to show that poly comes in all forms. It’s whatever works best for those involved. It can change and grow. Ian sounds like a good man, but you will always grieve Duncan.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi. Welcome to the forum.

I am very sorry for your loss, but happy for you to have had a positive long-running relationship with Duncan.

Would you like to further explain what you are struggling with, regarding Lisa's approach to polyamory?

 

[AngelDuncan]

Hi. Welcome to the forum.

I am very sorry for your loss, but happy for you to have had a positive long-running relationship with Duncan.

Would you like to further explain what you are struggling with, regarding Lisa's approach to polyamory?

Thanks for the query: Lisa seems to favor a more kitchen style, as I understand it, in that she wants to know the partners of the men she has relationships with. In theory, I can empathize with that feeling. However, my concern, so far as she in particular is twofold. (Questions about other subjects can be addressed later.)

One, Ian has shared with me that in the past when Lisa has met his partners, she immediately wanted to be “best friends,” i.e., constant texting and talking, and feeling rejected and causing issues if those wishes aren’t reciprocated. I know for a fact that when she found my email address she immediately (and in early days) basically cyber-stalked everything she could find online about me. (I am a performer and that’s almost all the online things I have. I don’t do much personal social media.) Ian shared with me that her behavior has “run off” other women he’s dated. In our first year, we both agreed that it was more important to figure out what we were to each other before worrying what we were to anyone else.

Second, I don’t really have any interest in forming that sort of relationship with her, including a tendency of her wishing to schedule Ian’s time between she and I, as it is his life and he should be in control of seeing whom and when he sees anyone. I have no need to “have holidays” or compete for time. We are happy to see each other as our busy schedules permit and we respect the need to have time apart. I have told him that if HE wishes Lisa and me to meet, I am happy to comply, but there must be an understanding for her that it will not lead to the kind of dynamics she’s tried to pursue with his partners in the past.

If I have a concern, it’s more along the lines that I tend to be pretty direct and clear in my communication. When my best friend asked me how I would reply if Lisa asked, “What do you think of me?" I responded honestly with, “I DON’T think about you, except that if you make Ian happy, that’s all that matters.” My friend said I should probably NOT say that, or at least not in that way. Another concern I have is that if she did become upset with my lack of interest in being “her friend,” that it would place Ian in the middle, making him “choose sides” or referee. I don’t want that for him, and would find it thoughtless and selfish to do so. Of course, that is his business, and as of yet, he hasn’t made any request for such a meeting.

I also want to add that from the beginning, I make a conscious effort to not call or text Ian during his date times with her or anyone he is seeing. (He and I keep a calendar together, as again, we both have busy lives and usually have to schedule time weeks in advance.) I don’t leave evidence of my staying at his house consciously. I do this out of respect to everyone involved, a practice I’ve always done in all my relationships. We have an understanding that “We don’t ask questions we don’t really want answers to, but will always answer any questioned asked." My only rule is that we all practice safer sex and all test regularly. Other than that, I don’t feel like any thing beyond that is my business. I’ll lastly add he and I check in regularly with one another emotionally, and our talks are open and always feel like we are each other’s safe space to be honest. If I didn’t feel that way with him, I wouldn’t be with him.

So though I know she wishes to meet me, and I am not opposed to it, my main question remains, to what end? If it is to simply to allow her to be comfortable in a kitchen poly sense, that’s fine. I can honor that. But I also feel that I should be equally respected in my “parallel poly” comfort zone afterwards. Ian agrees and knows if he asks me to meet her I will, and says he knowing supports my concerns.

 

[AngelDuncan]

Welcome, you’ve found a good safe place to land here. I’ve never had poly dynamics that involved children so I really can’t speak to that. I do understand the grief aspect as I lost my husband in 2021. Currently I’m not poly in the sexual sense. I’m only having sex with one partner, but I date another guy who we aren’t intimate together. I feel that he isn’t ready after losing his wife. She was the only woman for him ever, high school sweethearts. My nesting partner is a former lover that I was in a V or hinge with my husband before he passed. We all shared a house for almost 20 years, so I’m trying to maintain it as a retirement investment.

I explained all that just to show that poly comes in all forms. It’s whatever works best for those involved. It can change and grow. Ian sounds like a good man, but you will always grieve Duncan.

Thanks for saying hi and your kind words. So far as my kids, I’ve been their sole caregiver, but nurtured them to have access and relationships with the dads. I also did not bring men I dated into their lives otherwise, as I didn’t think it fair to set them up to become attached to people who weren’t committed to forming long term bonds with them. I made sure their home environment was stable and I made it abundantly clear to the men in my life that my children would ALWAYS be my first priority at all times. Both are grown now and are the best humans I know. (Not that I take credit for that, that is ALL them. They are amazing people and I got the privilege to watch them grow up to be that way)

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Angel,

It sounds like you have mixed feelings about Lisa's desire to meet up with you, I mean to me it sounds like Lisa is a little out of control when it comes to how she conducts her relationships with her metamours. Once she has your contact info, there is no way to unring that bell except I guess to change all of that info. And in the meantime I guess she would be very offended. I guess my advice would be to distance yourself from her, as much as you reasonably can.

It sounds like you have other emotional aspects to sort through, such as the nature of your feelings for Ian in light of your grief after losing Duncan. Could you go into more detail about the difference between your feelings for Duncan and your feelings for Ian? You said you feel like you're in a very different sort of poly sphere, and you wanted to talk about some of the challenges of that. I can't remember, was there anything else you wanted to talk about? Let me know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[AngelDuncan]

Hello Angel,

It sounds like you have mixed feelings about Lisa's desire to meet up with you, I mean to me it sounds like Lisa is a little out of control when it comes to how she conducts her relationships with her metamours. Once she has your contact info, there is no way to unring that bell except I guess to change all of that info. And in the meantime I guess she would be very offended. I guess my advice would be to distance yourself from her, as much as you reasonably can.

It sounds like you have other emotional aspects to sort through, such as the nature of your feelings for Ian in light of your grief after losing Duncan. Could you go into more detail about the difference between your feelings for Duncan and your feelings for Ian? You said you feel like you're in a very different sort of poly sphere, and you wanted to talk about some of the challenges of that. I can't remember, was there anything else you wanted to talk about? Let me know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

To address the email Lisa got is not connected to my personal accounts and is only one of the business accounts, so no info of my residence etc. I have brothers in cyber security who set that up for me years ago. She’s never contacted me through it either. Just fyi.

Duncan and I were together 30 years and that love grew with us as people, as we changed from young adults, to parents, and thus a constant in each other’s life. Not that everyday was peachy, we came in and out of couple mode more than a few times over those decades. Time alone brought us real trust, as it was proved through actions that I learned to feel safe within it. It took a long time. He was patient with my slow leaning into that love, and knew I only would believe in his consistency. Sex is awesome, but I was always guarded with allowing deep feelings into my sexual relationships. I cared for other men, and was only with one’s where respect was mutual. But I never let myself be called a “girl friend” (not even Duncan) because I just knew I wasn’t into the commitment of monogamy and didn’t want to hurt anyone by letting them think it would ever be on the table.

Ian has been a whole different journey, and I remind him sincerely, that falling in love was NOT what I had wanted or bargained for when I started seeing him. The first time he called me girl friend, instead of my usual firm, “No darling, I am NOT!” I calmly gathered my things and without drama, left, ghosting him for weeks. He wasn’t mad, he just gave me space. He explained he only meant that what we were feeling wasn’t turning out to be the casual “ just seeing each other” and I had to admit that though what he was saying was true, I explained why I was wary of the title. He isn’t one to throw around flowery words, but he wanted to be honest. If I wanted to go, I was free to do so. We still saw other people, but I didn’t stop seeing him either. Fast forward a year, and while we were having the sort of “check ins” I do with all my relationships, he said, he loved me. I just stared like a deer in headlights. He asked, “do you want to leave?” without any sort of possessive energy. I shook my head no, but it took months before I realized ( though my best friend said it was obvious) that I loved him too. And longer still, when one day I said it back without even thinking. It doesn’t bother me that he loves Lisa as well, that isn’t my vibe. She makes him happy and that’s all I want for him, ever. I guess I just never thought in a million years that I could love any man again. Much less in only two years.

I am bewildered by it, he is nothing like Duncan. In fact, that’s the best thing. It’s totally unique and once I let myself remember that Duncan would want me to be happy and connect on a emotional level if that’s where the relationship was rooted, I feel like I have another sort of best friend…..but with the benefits I let myself process grief for seven years before I started seeing anyone because I wanted to be fair to them, and myself.

That was a lot, sorry, but it helped to, I suppose, literally spell it out. The other things aren’t so related to the above so much. I think I realize that being in firmly rooted parallel poly relationships most of my life, I want to understand and deal with any emotions that respecting other ways of being non monogamous will bring into my life. If it’s ok, I’d like to discuss that more, later, as it’s passed dinner time and I’m a little typed out.

Thank you for asking and listening.

 

[Magdlyn]

I hear you find it odd that you love Ian during your grieving period for Duncan. I don't think that's unusual with poly people. My own bf, Aries, and I started talking as friends on a non-dating site, three years before his nesting partner gf passed away. He was mono with her, but felt poly at heart, and had all his adult life. He began to be fully polyamorous after meeting me.

I actually started dating Aries quite soon after his late partner passed. And I think he already loved me just from talking to me for three years, because he said it just a month or two in. He's got a huge heart, he's a people person, and he's very romantic and passionate in general.

As for Lisa, yikes. I don't make a point of meeting my metamours. If it happens, it happens. Some are more eager to meet than others. I didn't really meet my other partner Pixi's bf for seven years, except a couple times in passing at the door.

I certainly don't expect to be besties with any of them. I do enjoy garden party poly, eventually, if that works out. There's nothing wrong with a holiday dinner, a BBQ, or a concert, with me, Pixi, Aries and Malachi, and maybe a couple of my adult kids and some other friends. But that just happens maybe once a season.

Some women seem to want a "sister wife" almost more than they want a lover!

Aries' other gf Sadie asked to meet me soon after she started dating Aries, but I saw no point. She lives about 1.25 hours away, our social circles aren't the same. Perhaps I'll meet her some day. Dunno.

 

[AngelDuncan]

Hello All, happy Wednesday

Not sure if this is a “new thread” but wanted to type out my questions and answer a few:

Firstly, I appreciate the kind thoughts of condolence about Duncan. It’s been 9 years since he passed, and I took my time to process that for 7 before even considered seeing anyone new. I think I’m more bewildered that I found myself open to actual love in general with anyone in 2 years, when it took me over a decade with Duncan. I chalk that part up, upon reflection, that I am 40 years older and wiser, and that Ian is a totally different person and that’s the way of things. I count myself blessed, when not just baffled by love in general.

As for Lisa, I AM making no effort to encourage a meeting, but feel it’s only fair to be open to doing it if that is something Ian wishes. In truth, don’t think he does, and I can only surmise by his actions that it isn’t something HE feels necessary, but might be getting occasional pressure from her to make it happen. I make sure to touch base on the subject every 6 months or so, more to show I support whatever he needs and keep those lines of communication open.

Which sort of leads in to my original purpose for giving backstory of myself to ask some questions about moving forward. In general, I have life experience with parallel poly, and that paradigm had led me personally to only desire a limited number of partners at any one time (i.e., never more than 3). The reason just being a practical one of simply being human and not feeling I have the bandwidth to give proper attention to more than that. Even more casual relationships require (to me) a certain amount of physical time and mental energy to show each reasonable respect and attention. When I’ve watched others try to “juggle” more than that, someone inevitably starts to feel neglected and disrespected. I think that observation is fair and when I’ve fallen short with someone I’m with, I want to know it. That sort of honesty is the only way to judge any sort of longer companionship. If we can’t fulfill someone’s expectations of attention, we have to KNOW that to be able to decide if this is a match, or if it’s time to lovingly move on. So there’s my current thoughts on that.

So open to the floor, how many partners at one frame of time is too many?

It seems only reasonable that, at some point, a human would only be able to spread their time/attention/physical presence so far before before they, with or without intent, start neglecting/causing pain to someone in that sphere.

Meaning where does it become only about juggling purely sexual partners (which is fine if all are knowing into that dynamic AND feel they are having their expectations met) and not about maintaining respectful interactions with someone as a person?

It isn’t ALWAYS about love, but it does always have to be about respect, right?

And before we all jump solely into the “it’s all about open communication,” let’s assume that’s a given. I’m asking how has that dynamic either affected you, made you feel, or caused you to either change or leave a partner?

Mostly I am curious: have you yourself found you’ve stretched yourself too thin, and if so, what did you do, if anything, to course correct? Did something happen or did someone say something that brought it to your attention?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Angel,

Okay, now I see what the difference is, between your feelings for Duncan and your feelings for Ian. Duncan was your partner for a long time, you got that comfortable longevity that you get from gradually learning how to trust someone. Ian, on the other hand, is very forward about professing his love and closeness for/to you, openly taking the risk that you might react by leaving him. He is your unexpected love, so to speak. I think the secret to navigating this difference, is to realize that Duncan and Ian are each unique people, you are not going to love one unique person the same way you love another unique person. I think the secret is living in the moment, and realizing that Duncan would want you to have this. Hopefully what I'm saying makes sense.

I really think the right limit to how many partners one has, varies from person to person. Some people can maybe do justice to seven partners, some might need to limit themselves to two partners or even one, and of course everything in between is possible. As multiple relationships involve more moving parts, there is probably a tendency for more people to have a lower limit, thus we expect two partners to be the most common limit, two or three. The important thing to keep in mind here, is that it is not a one-size-fits-all equation. You'll know when you hit your limit, like you said it's when at least one partner starts feeling left out, and you do not have the spoons to give more than you are already giving. Having multiple partners isn't always fun and exciting.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I get "poly-saturated" with more than two partners at once. I learned this over time. In my earlier days of fully practicing polyamory, I was extremely lucky and met my gf right away (after separating from my husband). So, I always have had one serious partner. Of course, it takes time to meet people one clicks with. So there were times when I was dating more than one other person besides Pixi. But generally most people I dated were not keepers, so I was just more keeping my options open.

Once I'd found a steady stable partner, I'd take myself off the market and be quite content with just Pixi and one other person. I only date local people. I want to be able to have and hold a partner on a regular basis, at least once a week.

Other people date long distance. I think in that case, if it's mostly a cyber-relationship, with rare meetings irl, you could possibly maintain a greater number of partners.

There was a time when I was dating this one guy for a few months. He'd declared he loved me. I however, didn't love him. I liked him, sure. He was good company, but I thought of him as more of a friend with benefits. He just didn't push all my buttons.

I was then contacted on a dating site by another guy who interested me a lot more. We met, he really wowed me and it was awesome. For a while I was dating both guys (plus Pixi), but I did feel stretched too thin. I told the first guy about the new person. They both wanted to see me at least once, if not twice a week. I couldn't handle it, time-wise or emotionally, so I sadly had to let the first guy go. I felt really bad about it! I offered friendship, but he was really attracted to me and said he couldn't handle it.

 

[AngelDuncan]

I get "poly-saturated" with more than two partners at once. I learned this over time. In my earlier days of fully practicing polyamory, I was extremely lucky and met my gf right away (after separating from my husband). So, I always have had one serious partner. Of course, it takes time to meet people one clicks with. So there were times when I was dating more than one other person besides Pixi. But generally most people I dated were not keepers, so I was just more keeping my options open.

Once I'd found a steady stable partner, I'd take myself off the market and be quite content with just Pixi and one other person. I only date local people. I want to be able to have and hold a partner on a regular basis, at least once a week.

Other people date long distance. I think in that case, if it's mostly a cyber-relationship, with rare meetings irl, you could possibly maintain a greater number of partners.

There was a time when I was dating this one guy for a few months. He'd declared he loved me. I however, didn't love him. I liked him, sure. He was good company, but I thought of him as more of a friend with benefits. He just didn't push all my buttons.

I was then contacted on a dating site by another guy who interested me a lot more. We met, he really wowed me and it was awesome. For a while I was dating both guys (plus Pixi), but I did feel stretched too thin. I told the first guy about the new person. They both wanted to see me at least once, if not twice a week. I couldn't handle it, time-wise or emotionally, so I sadly had to let the first guy go. I felt really bad about it! I offered friendship, but he was really attracted to me and said he couldn't handle it.

Thanks for responding:
This is a part of my new relationship that is making me want to learn more BEFORE it becomes an issue: Currently, I am not feeling "neglected " per se, but I can do math, and once there were, say, more than 4 other POSSIBLE partners in a longer-term, how will it NOT be possible for folks to start being either pushed to the background OR, as you put it, the other person being polyunsaturated.