Hi Kat, welcome to the board.
You say you are looking for advice on avoiding common pitfalls in sharing a home between 3 people in a poly relationship.
Look at scheduling. Who gets to be with whom? Will there be one on one sex as well as threesomes? Does the man sleep in each woman's bedroom on alternating nights? Or do you plan to all share a big bed? What about dating? One on one, group dates... What about work schedules? If one person works longer hours than the other two, will they feel left out of some fun?
Hubs already works long hours, and she has not found a job here yet, so much of that is still up in the air. There are never any threesomes, sex is always one-on-one for me, even when it's not my husband. I've tried a group thing once before and it was most definitely not my bag.
We have talked about purchasing a King sized bed and sharing, but for me that won't work because I don't really want to be privy to their sex. I can talk about it, I'm not bothered by it, but I don't want to see it or be involved in it. Some may find that prudish, but that's just how I am. I don't mind them having sex at all - I'm the one who encouraged this relationship and initiated things - I just don't care to witness the actual sex. Kissing, PDA, that doesn't bother me. We've established that there will be another "adult" bedroom, and we'll take turns sleeping there. Since it's not all sex all the time (despite people's expectations of such), we'll set up a routine once she arrives, whether it's a switch ever night, or weekly, or whatever.
As far as dating, we haven't set much of that up yet, as finances are a big issue there. We'll figure that out later.
Are you out to all your family and friends? If not, how will this be handled?
We are slowly coming out. Some of our friends already knew my husband and I were Poly, and without saying "she's moving in and will be another partner for hubs" a few of our friends figured it out and mentioned as much to me. Some who don't know we're Poly, made jokes about Hubs being super lucky to have TWO attractive women, and, in one friends words "A 'Menage a Trois' anytime he wants!" - which isn't the case (see above) but was rather humorous.
Mine and Hubs families, except for my nephew whom I'm extremely close to, are completely in the dark about our relationship status. We aren't close with our families. They don't live close (other side of the US), so we won't be caught unawares if they decide to visit.
Wifey has mentioned something to some of her family, but she hasn't become fully open with them. That's her decision. It's up to each of us to decide who and when to be open with about this, the only request is that we tell each other when we have.
Kids. Any rugrats around? How will they accept a new mama moving in?
Hubs and I have 1 child, a 10yo daughter (we lovingly and jokingly call her The Spawn). So, obviously she's around
She absolutely adores Wifey who has taken charge on more than one occasion when she's been here. She knows that if she's told to do something by Wifey, she's to be respectful and listen just as if it was coming from me or her father. The Spawn and I are very close, and we've talked about this major change in great detail. She's come to me with questions, but mostly seems excited about this. She knows that there will be some adjustment. She knows she can express any issues or come to us with any questions she has.
You say you don't feel you deserve your man. Will this feeling be brought to the fore when you are sharing him 24/7? Do you feel your gf deserves him more than you do? Do you struggle with low self esteem? Jealousy, or envy?
I say "I don't feel I deserve him" not so much as a realistic saying, but more as in "I'm extremely lucky to have found a caring and loving man who has put up with my bullshit for this long and not gone insane". There are times when I really haven't deserved him in the past, and the opposite is also true. To me, that's just the ups and downs with any long-term, imperfect relationship. There are things in our past that some would have packed their bags and vamoosed out long ago. He didn't. THAT is why I say I don't deserve him at times, but I don't always feel that way. No, I'm not trying to give him someone more "deserving" or trying to punish myself. And for those wondering, I have undergone therapy (both couples and personal) to work on that. And it's worked.
No, I don't think Wifey is more or less deserving than I am. I do struggle with low self-esteem at times and jealousy. Jealousy is a natural thing, it's all in how you handle it. It is natural to be jealous or envious of others for whatever reason. It's about how you handle that jealousy or envy. Communication being the biggest. Any time I've felt jealous, I've simply gone to Hubs and expressed that. The only time it's happened with Wifey involved, I've gone to both of them. Wifey has come to me. We handle it.
How long has your husband been sexually and romantically involved with your friend? Has their relationship stood the test of time? What if they break up? Will you lose your friend?
Romantically about 6 months. Sexually only about 2. This doesn't concern me - my husband and I met in June, were married in November and didn't have sex until we were married (though neither of us was a virgin, it was a matter of logistics). We had a mostly long-distance relationship until we got married. That was 12 years ago. Wifey and Hubs have been long-distance this whole time. I like that. Just like he and I, they've gotten to know the
person, it's not all about sex. They know they're compatible, and the funny thing is, he and I are complete opposites while she's a meshing of the two of us. It makes things nice. I've already seen all the positive things about having her in this marriage has done.
As far as a break up goes, we'll cross that bridge if we get there. I don't want a contingency plan because to me, that seems like you're already looking for the exit sign.
Housekeeping. Do your styles mesh? How clean and organized are each of you? Who does what chores? Who cooks? Do you share grocery bill equally, or does new gf like to go get takeout while you like to prepare food at home? Who does the laundry? Who takes out trash? Does someone always leave their dishes in front of the TV or on computer desk and it drives someone else crazy?
Our styles mesh. Hubs doesn't do housework (how archaic of him, I know!), but she and I already do things very similarly. The only thing she has to adjust to is not using bleach (I have parrots and the bleach fumes are toxic to them). She and I are very similar in our housekeeping, though she tends to be more on the organized side than I am. Hubs takes care of all outdoor chores because he likes it and I don't. The rest of the housework is done on an as-needed basis.
Cooking is going to be swapped - whoever cooks that night, the other wife does the dishes. The Spawn always empties the dishwasher (and the trash), as that is her contribution to the household. I believe in children contributing by doing household chores without getting an allowance. They want an allowance, they need to go beyond the minimum and earn it. I will do all the laundry except for folding. I hate folding. Wifey hates doing the laundry, but loves to fold. Win win!! There's also no eating in front of the computer; food is in the dining room or kitchen only, with occasional snacks at the couch for movie night (like popcorn). Nothing in the bedrooms aside from water and the occasional tea cup, but that's usually me and I always remove it by morning. Wifey agrees 100%.
Hubs is covering rent/utilities/insurance/internet/phone, so Wifey will cover her credit cards, car payment and groceries. This will allow each of us a bit more breathing room in our expenses/finances, allow for us to put more aside for a down payment on farm in the next couple of years and let us go out and do more fun things than we've been able to do.
Space. Is there space for everyone to have alone time? What about sound proofing? Does it bother you to hear the other couples' lovemaking sounds, or vice versa? Is someone more of an introvert than the other two? What about friends coming to visit or stay?
This is the only downside. There's 3 bedrooms and a bonus room downstairs. But the space is still an issue. We're working on arranging things but need her here to help figure it all out so we're all in agreement. Overnight guests are always an issue, even for just the 2 adults and one kiddo. We always make it work and have plans in place to work this out as well.
I think with any couple or triad moving in together, many of these questions are often overlooked in the rush of infatuation, only to become a source of conflict when the rubber hits the road.
It's about communication, communication, communication.
