New lifestyle

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Re (from Hanger916):
"The alternative to me was to just simply stop."

Ah. I had not thought of that. I see now what you mean, you were tired of the dating you had been doing, which happened to be monogamous.

Re:
"I was pretty tired of not finding what I wanted in a person. Until I met this woman. She brought everything to me that I've always looked for."

She sounds like a pretty awesome person. So much so, perhaps, that dating her is worth it *in spite of* the fact that she is poly?

Re:
"For me, yes, it seems like I would be cheating. But for her it seems like it's not."

Perhaps you yourself are not naturally polyamorous, but you can be happy in the company of someone who is polyamorous? You are, "poly-friendly." But not, "poly per se."

Re:
"At first I thought it was just a way for someone to not be held accountable for their actions. But it turns out that's not the case. That's not the way she's wired. And yes, I'm having a very hard time wrapping my head around that. She is helping me, helping me a lot. She tells me that it doesn't work that way for her. She tells me that I'm equal. I believe her. I guess the reason that I have a hard time is because I've never experienced anything like this. I know I sound negative, but honestly I'd do anything for this woman."

It sounds like you kind of get polyamory from one angle, or you are able to wrap your *feelings* around poly as she lives it. It's just that you are having a hard time *understanding* poly as a kind of nonmonogamy, like understanding is a process, but you have always been taught that all nonmonogamy is cheating, and it is hard to wriggle through that conditioning.

Re (from Hanger916):
"And yes, she has another partner now. But to me it does not feel like she's 'cheating.' I feel as though I'm an outsider ..."

Maybe by outsider you mean, that poly is not something you would do yourself? but you can accept (with time and effort) that she does poly? Hopefully I'm understanding you right, let me know if I'm not.

Mono/poly relationships are a thing, you could be the mono partner in a mono/poly coupling. (I don't know whether her other partner is also poly.) Hopefully that makes sense -- in that sense, you're also an insider (because you're friendly to poly, if not poly yourself). I know, I'm kind of rambling here.
 

Hanger916

New member
Yes. It makes sense. Her partner is also poly. I forgot to mention she also has a platonic friend that is married that she sees not very often.

Yes. I’m still wrapping my head around it. There are times I’m very comfortable, there are times when I’m not. But I’m thinking that if I give it a chance, things will get better for me. She has now told me that she wants me to meet her son, which, she doesn’t take lightly of letting him meet anyone. I feel accepted more because of this.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Sounds like things are getting better little by little. That's good to hear.
 

Hanger916

New member
Ok so I’m finding out what time means to someone who is dating a poly. There isn’t enough lol. We get to see each other 2-3 times a week which is great. She says as her other partner feels very threatened by me because she is wanting to spend so much time with me. And I understand that. I don’t mean to be a threat, but at the same time I would like as much time as possible. Do es this gradually get better with time and patience?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi Hanger,

It gradually gets better, but you will have to be patient, it takes time. Her other partner has to learn by piecemeal experience that you are not a threat. He does not know you very well right now, he needs to get to know you. And I know you would not want to give up any of your time with her. I understand. She gives you 2-3 times a week and you are quickly accustomed to that. You would not want to switch to 1-2 times a week ... and even if you did, he might still see you as a threat. As I said, he needs some time to get over these threatened feelings that he's having. And maybe you are feeling a little threatened too, you just need some time to get used to poly, an extremely unusual way of doing relationships.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Hanger916

New member
Yes sir. That’s one word I’ve learned and constantly have to have more of. Patience. She told me as it gets better for him. It will get better for me.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
She's right. It will get better for both of you.

That's not to say things couldn't go sideways, sometimes in relationships things happen, and poly relationships are no exception. But in this case your odds are good, you have a wise poly partner, and she is telling you the right things.
 
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