New member, male in FFM Poly triad

Narball

Narball

New member
Good morning! My name is Nate, I'm fairly new to this whole thing, though I've been involved with people in the poly community most of my adult life. I've been with my fiance, Dani, since July of 2013. We recently got involved in a swingers chat group, and that's how we met Rae who is now our girlfriend. We didn't really expect to end up in a relationship, but when we met her everything just kinda clicked. She asked us if we would want to date her and we were immediately on board... we love her, and she has decided to move in with us and we're confident that our relationship is going to keep growing and enrich all of our lives. Anyway, my work experience is in office administration, and I work for the government. That makes me slightly nervous, but as far as I know there's not actually too much they can do to me just for being in a non-monogamous relationship unless it is interfering with my ability to do my job. Before I go off on too many other tangents, I'll just say that gaming (video games, card games, board games, tabletop roleplaying, etc.) is my FAVORITE thing in the world to do. Nice to meet you all, I hope I can get to know some of you better. :)

--Nate
 
Hello Narball!

From what I have gathered there are not many triads on this forum and so I just wanted to send a hello. My wife (FieryFlames) and I (PhysicsIsPants) would be happy to chat if you'd like. Just in case you're interested in chatting, I've included links to our introductions so that you can get to know a little bit more about our triad and its dynamic. :)
 
Welcome. I hope you've researched primary/secondary relationships, couple's privilege, and unicorn hunting?

Search the morethantwo.com website, and read the book of the same name, as well as Opening Up. Your shared gf will need legal protections.

I hope it works for you. Generally moving in together before a year of relationship has passed is unwise (for any kind of relationship). Especially risky for the unicorn, but all 3 hearts can be broken unless you know what pitfalls are ahead, and how to talk about them and overcome them.
 
Magdlyn, Thank you for the welcome and yes, I have been on the site and read a lot of their articles. I love the article on couples privilege and am trying very hard to avoid treating our third in any way like we (our original dyad) has any privilege to wield over her. It's difficult to manage... my fiance has a lot of mental and physical health issues that she really needs to work through... we're both starting therapy next week though, so we're not ignoring things. We are doing what we can.
 
If you have a security clearance as part of your job, when it comes up for renewal, you'll be asked about your living arrangements, housemates, relationships, etc. There shouldn't be any problems if you are honest. If you don't have a clearance, then it really shouldn't matter - I'd just be discreet.
 
I'll definitely keep that in mind. There have been a lot of moments where I question my career choice, but... It's just kinda where life lead me, and I really like my job. So... them's the breaks.
 
Greetings Nate,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and I think you'll come out okay, as long as things work out for Dani. I've read some of your other posts and am enjoying them so far.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Having read your other thread, it's pretty safe to say that "couple privilege" is definitely a thing. Dani is getting to dictate that you spend alone time with her, but not with your mutual GF. That is couple privilege.

People do not form intimate bonds with groups or pairs, they form them with individuals. This is true of everything from parents to children to friends to lovers. You all need dyad alone time to develop your own relationships and dynamic. If Dani can't be comfortable and willing to do this, perhaps you aren't yet ready to open up. Debilitating physical illness, financial hardships, and opening a relationship are all huge stressors--asking someone to deal with all of them, all at once, is a pretty big deal. And, you admit your relationship with Dani was already rocky (poly tends to make any existing issues really glaringly bad, rather than making them go away). Why did you decide to open up now? And, why would you move someone in after only 2 months? That is far too quickly, regardless of whether you are mono or poly, and, in this case, it puts financial obligations and stresses on everyone involved (I know it can seem like a good "fix" for finances, but it almost never is so soon into a relationship).

You all are taking it very fast (poly relationships are no different than monogamous ones--they need time to truly develop), and not really addressing the current relationship issues before adding new ones. You and Dani have a lot to deal with already, why add to it? I know you care about the new GF, but that won't change your issues in the existing dyad with Dani (it is likely to make them worse, not better). Also, what about your new GF? You're polyfi, but what happens to her after you and Dani marry, and she has no legal protections for her financial investments in your home, etc.?

Slow down and think about taking time for right your already-difficult situation before expanding your dating network. Triads are notoriously difficult to maintain, and tend to end pretty explosively. Have you read So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter?
 
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Narball;332383I love the article on couples privilege and am trying very hard to avoid treating [B said:
our third[/B] in any way like we (our original dyad) has any privilege to wield over her.
Click to expand...

And yet she's not only a 'third' but 'our' third, as if she's a fun possession the two of you own.
 
Quick update...

... So, Dani and Rae have both started volunteering in the evenings, and have decided to do the same hours one day, one of them go and the other stay home one day, and vice-versa for the final day they volunteer each week. So that'll be two evenings a week where I get one-on-one time with each of them. Seems like a viable solution. Dani starts therapy today, and I start therapy on Thursday... we just have to find a place for Rae to go. I do think it's fairly important we all get involved in therapy to improve our mental health and stress levels... things are still financially fairly fucked. :/ Working on that. But moving forward, I think our relationships have a fair chance of continuing to improve. :)
 
Glad to hear things have improved somewhat.
 
kdt26417 said:
Glad to hear things have improved somewhat.
Click to expand...

Yeah, somewhat. I forgot to mention the other bonus to this... the night they're both volunteering, I get some time alone! By myself! As an introvert this is something really important to me (which I have been pretty much completely lacking for... well, 3 years now.) The closest to "alone time" I've had is when I get in the zone at work... I put my earbuds in and I tackle my workload from my computer and just block everyone else out... it's not the same though. Now I can just sit in my living room and play video games or watch something by myself and enjoy being alone. It's going to be nice to have that at least once a week.
 
As a fellow introvert, I understand.
 
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