New monoamour dealing with emotional rollercoaster

P

Pale85

New member
I met my partner online. Before we met up he told me he was poly, and had kids with his current partner (wife) I thought it would just be a few fun dates but it turned into something serious quite quickly. After a few months we fell in love.

I've never been so happy in a relationship whilst being simultaneously quite emotional and upset. When we're together it is magic, but apart I find incredibly hard. I never thought I'd feel this way about someone, but I'm also feel pretty crushed that I'll never have the opportunity to get married/have kids with him.

I don't have a problem with his partner (who also has a partner, who sometimes joins them as a triad) and am working really hard for us to become friends, however she runs quite hot and cold and so I've made a bit of distance between us to protect myself as I can get quite upset when she is ambivalent towards me. I do get on really well with his kids and have a great time with them.

As my partner has a lot of responsibilities (his kids, wife and other partner) I find I seem to always be the one asking for time, and always being available for him. I don't feel taken advantage of - I know he sees me as often as he can but it still feels like an unbalanced relationship and I'm having trouble not feeling quite lonely. All I want is more time and yet I know it's not possible. It's a bit of a heart/brain tug-of-war.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I'm looking for ways to manage my feelings and be more at peace with the situation of always being secondary.

I guess I kind of stumbled into polyamory as a monoamour. I can see polyamory as a great concept when you already have a partner - but as a 'single' it is really hard.

Im considering dating again - but would like to find a primary partner (who is open to polyamory) which seems like a hard thing to find! Also hard as I can't imagine finding anyone as amazing as my partner already.

Would really appreciate any insight anyone could give. Thank you!
 
You might not be cut out to be a secondary partner. Go get yourself a primary! Just because you love someone doesn't mean he's right for you at this point in time.

Read this about secondary's rights.

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
 
If you want "more" (the Escalator stuff, I assume), you're not gonna get it there, & you knew that at the beginning.

You're not secondary, so much as tertiary. Sounds to me like they have an open marriage with set-in-stone hierarchy, rather than even pretending to egalitarian polyamory.

You're a side-deal, a recreation, a pleasant break from the real relationship, the all-important Dyad.

I can't fault your b/f, as it sounds like he's kept you fully informed of the "this is the way it is, this is the way it will stay" box. You should maybe believe him.
 
Hi Pale85,

You may still be in NRE with your partner which makes him seem more super great than he will seem say a year from now. When you find a primary partner for you, you might be surprised at how super great the new/primary partner will seem. You feel that you'll never find anything as great as your current partner, yet NRE can make that possible.

If maintaining a relationship with your current partner is stifling your efforts to find a new/primary partner, you might want to break up with your current partner, so you can go mono and be on the relationship escalator without any interference. If you don't break up, you'll have to be patient with what is bound to be a longer process. It's a choice you have to make.

I see that you are really struggling with things the way they are, and I feel bad about that. I hope things will improve for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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