So I went to that club I mentioned in my last post... and it was a very not-good thing. I was fine standing outside talking to my friend and his partner, and a few other people, including a couple who I'd encountered at the other club. So going in, I knew a few people.
But when I got inside, it was way too overwhelming. Too much noise. Too huge a space (the other club is in a former three-unit apartment building, so the rooms are, well, room-sized. This club is in a former warehouse, and while it has a few smaller rooms, those are mostly private "play" rooms. Otherwise, it's divided into three very large spaces). Too many people I didn't know. The lighting was very dim, which sometimes gets to me.
I also hadn't been to this club before, and while I've seen other people talking about it, I didn't know what to expect. Some of the posts I've seen about it make it sound like everyone plays and there's sex and kink going on all over the place. I wasn't seeing that; I was mostly seeing people standing in groups chatting. But I felt excluded from the conversations, partly because I wasn't comfortable enough to approach the people I didn't know, and partly because when I was with my friend and his partner, or approached the people I did know, they were having other conversations with other people and sitting or standing in such a way that I was essentially excluded, at least physically.
So I started feeling extremely uncomfortable and nervous. I was already feeling anxious anyway; that day and the day before, I'd driven a combined total of about 600 miles, and I'd slept poorly the night before, so I was overtired, which always makes managing anxiety more difficult. Plus I'd chosen to wear an outfit that was street legal, but that was about it, and even though wearing body-exposing outfits doesn't usually faze me, for some reason this one had me feeling excruciatingly self-conscious.
I told my friend I was uncomfortable and didn't know if I could stay. His solution was to introduce me to other people--except he only introduced me to people I already knew (and he knew I knew them, if he'd thought about it, because we'd all been at the same very small munch more than once). And they were in the middle of a conversation which they interrupted to say hello to me and then went back to, and since they were in the *middle* of the conversation, I didn't know what they were talking about and so had nothing to add. So I wandered off again.
The place gives a tour to all newbies, which is required. I managed to hang in there through the tour, though I almost left before it and almost bailed out a couple of times during it, because some of the things the tour leader was saying added to my discomfort with the situation. But I got through that, and then found my friend again and told him I needed to leave. He brushed that off. I went to the restroom to compose myself (which didn't really work), then went to find him *again* in the hope that we could talk and I could reset things. Instead I found him already "playing," and he told me to stay with the woman he was with while he went to the bathroom. Which...okay, he knows I'm straight, and I had told him, or at least tried to tell him, several times that I felt anxious and uncomfortable, so why he thought staying in a private room with a naked woman doing sex things to herself would help me feel better in ANY way is beyond me. I asked why I would stay there, and he said, "Because you need a quiet place." I said, "Yeah. Home." And I left.
I messaged him when I got home to apologize for leaving the way I did. He didn't answer, so a few days later I sent him another message. This time, he answered, but all he said was "Okay." And I haven't heard from him since, even though he'd been messaging me pretty much daily for the entire week prior to going to the club. So I'm guessing he's kind of pissed at me, which is fine. He told me before we went in that I could find him or his partner at any time if I felt uncomfortable or needed to talk to someone, but when I tried to do that, he brushed me off every time. So I did what I needed to do to avoid having a full-blown panic attack in front of everyone at the club, and I'm not sorry about that. I hope to be able to go back to the club at some point, because now that I've been there, I'll know what to expect and I think will be able to manage it better. But for that to happen, I'll have to find someone else to sponsor me, because I'm reasonably certain my friend (if he's even still my friend) won't be willing to a second time.
Friday night when that happened, I thought it was just social anxiety combined with not really knowing what to expect. But Saturday morning when I was talking to my boyfriend, a whole bunch of shit from my past started spewing out. Stuff I'd sort of been aware was there, but hadn't realized how deep it ran or how much it was affecting me. I've been in trauma recovery/management mode ever since, using the tools I've gained over the years plus some new ones I've been finding. I've also talked to my therapist about it, but since insurance only lets me see her once every other week, I have to do a lot of this myself, with--fortunately--support from Hubby and my boyfriend, both of whom know my history and know this is something I can't entirely help but *can* get through. It's just going to take a bit of time, because like I said, this is turning out to run a lot deeper than I'd realized before, and some of it is stuff that I've internalized since I was a very young child, to the point that I'm now having to work very hard to separate it out from what's actually *me* and what *I* actually believe.
I've had two more panic attacks since the night at the club, one at the dentist (which was actually understandable, I was supposed to have a tooth extracted, which had me feeling anxious to begin with, and he hadn't numbed my mouth enough, which I told him but he didn't numb it any further before he started working on the tooth, so that hurt like fuck) and one at the twice-monthly event I try to go to, which resulted in me having to leave about half an hour into it. That panic attack really pissed me off, because this is an event I've been going to for quite a while now, and three of the four other people who were there were people I know very well. But the topic of conversation was something I couldn't cope with that day, and at least I was able to fairly calmly say, "I'm sorry, I have to go" and get out to my car before the panic attack actually hit.
Meanwhile, early on in the week, I had a discussion the guy I mentioned in my last post who I met up with but felt that he came on too strong, because he was messaging me and still coming on too strong, and I finally said, "You're coming on way too strong for my comfort, and this isn't going to work." At first he tried to blame that on me by saying he was coming on strong because I wasn't giving him much information about what I'm looking for, but I reminded him that I had actually said I'm not entirely *sure* what I'm looking for and need to think things through. He then apologized and said he would back off but wanted to see me again, so I agreed to give him another chance.
We were supposed to get together Friday night (two nights ago), and Friday during the day I was supposed to meet another guy I've been chatting with for coffee. I ended up canceling both because I was definitely not in the right headspace, especially for seeing too-strong guy since he'd made it clear that while he wasn't expecting sex, he was definitely hoping for it. The coffee-only guy was fine with it; I think he isn't entirely sure he actually wants to meet me either. I told too-strong guy on Thursday night that I might not be able to make it, and that I would let him know by mid-afternoon Friday; Thursday night he seemed fine with it, but Friday he didn't answer my text saying I was canceling, and I haven't heard from him since. Not my problem.
I met up with Tie Guy as planned, and that went well. He's changed in positive ways since the last time I tried being involved with him. We aren't exactly getting involved, because I'm not in the head space for that either, but he is willing to help me explore a few things if/when I'm ready, and he wants to spend time with me anyway. I explained to him what happened at the club and what's going on, and he was very supportive and understanding, so even if it's platonic for the time being, I think seeing him occasionally wouldn't be a bad thing.
I haven't heard much from Noon and still haven't seen him, but he's messaged me a bit and says he has a lot of personal life stuff going on right now that he needs to focus on. Which is fine; at least he's letting me know what's going on, so I know he isn't ghosting, and we'll chat when he's able and get together when he has some time and mental bandwidth.
I heard from Tree, finally, a few days ago. He apologized for being out of touch, and explained that he's been really busy and with what. (A couple of things about which I'd found out through other means, but didn't know when I posted my last entry here.) He said he's going to be away for a bit, but that he wants to see me as soon as he has a chance, and I said I'd be up for that, just let me know when. It's going to be at least another two weeks before he has any time available, so hopefully by then things with me will have settled enough. If not, he's someone who I know would understand what's going on, so I don't think he would have an issue hanging out platonically or not at all until I get things more sorted.
So yeah... I have things going on, and a lot of internal work to do, and fortunately since I don't have a job right now, I have time to do the internal work. I'm already in better shape than I was a week ago, so things are improving. I just need to keep at it.
