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The con was... complex. Emotion-wise, that is. I had a really rough time the first night, to the extent of full-blown panic attack. Saturday, another rough patch, but this time it was anger toward my boyfriend about plans that were not clearly communicated, leaving me expecting something that turned out not to be the case. We sorted things out, and set plans in place to avoid a situation like that in the future since this wasn't the first time we've had that kind of misunderstanding. For a little while, though, I wasn't sure we would sort things out, or whether I wanted to...

But it wasn't like in the past when I've gotten upset. I mean... in some ways it was. I'm still learning to manage emotions and relationships. But I didn't catastrophize, and I didn't hold myself responsible for not understanding something that wasn't actually explained to me. So progress...

Thank goodness for my boyfriend's female housemate; she's a really good friend, and although she wasn't staying with us at the con, she was there quite a bit and used our room as a clothes-changing/get-away-from-people space. She listened to a LOT of my venting both nights, and she was so incredibly supportive, I can't even say how much I appreciate it.

Other than those two issues, though, it was good. I didn't see everyone I knew who was there, and I didn't really meet anyone. I was introduced to a few people, but I don't think I would recognize them if I ran into them on the street.

During one event, a guy kept watching me, and he was pretty cute. I talked to him a bit later, because I ran into him at a different part of the con... but I was on a mission (it was during one of my volunteer shifts) and was so one-track-minded I didn't even think to give him my name. Ugh.
 
Following a train of thought from Spork's blog:

Sex positivity. Something I've tried, really, really tried to have. But it's really hard to be positive about something that's done so much damage to me and to Alt. Intellectually, I can separate rape and sexual assault from sex. Emotionally... it's hard work, but I can usually manage it.

I've blogged here before about how I was brought up. A father who left porn literally lying around the house (living room floor, kitchen table, etc.), and a mother who made sex sound like the most horrible thing any female could ever do unless it was because her man wanted it. And that made me the "bad" one when I was molested and assaulted, in her eyes.

My first husband, Alt and Country's father, was much the same as my mother. I kind of had the feeling he hated sex and hated me for having it, but that was what married people did so we had to.

I tried to raise my offspring to believe what I desperately *wanted* to believe: That sex is a good, enjoyable, positive thing when done with someone you actually want to do it with, who cares about and respects you. I told Alt and Country that they didn't have to wait for marriage if they didn't want to, and they didn't even have to be in love, but that I hoped they would at least wait until they were sure they were ready and that their first time would be with someone they at least liked and trusted.

When I left their dad, I had sex with a lot of different guys. Most of them, only once or twice. I was friendly with all but one of them (that was an intentional one-night stand; I wanted to see what I thought of those). I started believing what I'd taught my offspring. For the first time, I owned my sexuality, and I enjoyed myself without guilt or shame.

Then I got involved with Hubby. I've blogged here before about that too, how he, not maliciously or even intentionally, destroyed the progress I'd made about viewing sex positively by insulting everything I asked if we could do sexually. We opened our marriage because I got tired of "paint by numbers sex" and told him I was no longer going to accept having to define my sex life by his unwillingness to vary or compromise.

I've had to fight my way back to where I was before I met Hubby. Dating my boyfriend has helped a lot; he's very sex-positive and completely nonjudgmental. I've talked some about it in therapy. And I worked my way through that workbook I mentioned a page or so ago here, a book that's all about helping women form a more positive view of their bodies and sex. (It's called Sexy Witch, for anyone who's wondering; it does have a witchcrafty slant, so if that isn't something you're okay with, it isn't the book for you.) One of the exercises in the book, which touches on something Spork mentioned, is spending a long stretch of time--the book recommends an hour--looking at your vulva in a mirror.

I just mentioned my boyfriend being sex-positive. And I tried to be sex-positive in *general* even when I couldn't be *personally.*

Spork was wondering in her blog what "sex-positive" actually means. I would say that for me, anyway, it means believing sex is a good, enjoyable thing, and that whatever is done sexually between/among consenting adults is okay as long as no one's being harmed. (Differentiating "harm" from "hurt", because in some aspects of BDSM being hurt is desirable, but that doesn't cause harm because it's agreed-on.)

But being sex-positive also means being positive about your own sexual interests. And that means *not* showing off your body if you aren't okay with doing so. It means *not* having sex with multiple partners, or *not* having sex as often as your partner wants to, if it isn't what *you* want. Being sex-positive means accepting what others do amongst themselves, but it also means accepting what you are and aren't okay with doing, and honoring that.
 
We're having a blizzard...

Things are going pretty well here. I've had a lot of discussions lately with my boyfriend about polyamory in general and our relationship in particular, because a few things I've learned lately are causing me some cognitive dissonance. I don't know whether I'll get the hang of it or not. I am trying, and he and Hubby are both being incredibly supportive and patient. (Hubby because when I reach a point of feeling like I can't talk to my boyfriend, or feel like I've been talking to him too much, I talk to Hubby...which he's okay with, to a point, and he's good about telling me when he hits that point.)

I reconnected with Tie Guy. We went out to dinner a couple weeks ago and clicked better than previously. We're planning to see each other again next week or the week after.

To my surprise, Site Guy messaged me a couple of days ago. I hadn't heard from him since before New Year's. He said things have been hectic for him and he hopes we can get together in the next couple-few weeks. We'll see if that happens.

My self-esteem is not in the best of places. I keep being afraid that my boyfriend will realize that I'm more fucked-up than he thought and that other women he knows are better for him than I am. It's been a rough few weeks, though there have been a lot more good patches than rough ones. It's just that I'm making some major changes in my thinking and my self-perception, and that isn't easy to do.
 
I've been having a really hard time lately with wrapping my mind around the way my boyfriend does poly. It's partly the "kitchen table" thing; I'm still very uncomfortable with the idea of socializing with any of his other partners. And it's partly insecurity when he talks to me about those other partners, because while I am able to feel happy for him, I'm also worried that he'll decide I'm not good enough or too much work, and it's very lonely for me I know he's with someone else and I'm here alone because Hubby's at work or deep in game-land.

He keeps hanging in there with me, though. I do talk to him about how I'm feeling. He isn't responsible for how I feel, but our relationship is affected by it, and he wants to help me feel better about things. It also helps me to hear his perspective on situations, and to have him clarify things since I don't always understand or perceive correctly.

He's also trying to help me with social skills, because he agrees with me that I might not struggle quite as much if I have other people to hang out with, whether those people are platonic friends or some level of partner. One of the issues I have is that right now he's almost my entire social life, because most (though, fortunately, not all) of the people I know are *his* friends and I'm having trouble thinking of them as *my* friends.

I'm also not even slightly comfortable reaching out to any of them to say "Hey, want to go out for coffee" or anything like that, because I don't know them well enough. To which my boyfriend's response has been "How are you going to get to know them if you don't socialize with them?" But I feel like I can only socialize with them with him present, because as I said, they're *his* friends. I don't even have contact info for some of the ones I would like to spend more time with. Which leaves me still sitting here unable to even bring myself to message the people whose contact info I *do* have, because I don't want to bother them or I can't quite believe they would want anything to do with me independently of my boyfriend.

Added to that, my car is now completely unsafe for the road. With the snowstorms we had the past week, I couldn't drive it at all; it sat in my in-laws' driveway from last Wednesday until today. If the pavement is even wet, the car slides all over the place. Forget about trying to drive it if there's slush or ice.

Which means I'm feeling even more trapped and isolated, because I can only go places by public transportation, and some of the people I'd like to socialize with are in places that aren't public-transit accessible. Plus I'm limited by the public transit schedules, and that really bugs me. We aren't willing to get the car repaired, because the repairs would cost more than the car is worth, and we can't afford to replace it right now. Fortunately, my boyfriend's place *is* accessible by public transit.

Site Guy got back to me about getting together, but he lives too far away to see if I don't have a car. So I still don't know when or if that's going to happen. But at least he was willing to see me on a different night of the week than before.

Tie Guy and I have another date planned for Monday. He's also in the easy-public-transit geographic area, so the lack of car isn't an obstacle with him.

For Valentine's Day, Hubby astonished me by coming home from work with a bouquet of roses! My boyfriend and I haven't had a chance to do anything for V-Day yet, but he has something planned.
 
My car is being completely and permanently taken off the road. I can manage with it on dry pavement, but the inspection sticker has now expired, and there's no chance it would come close to taking another one. I've signed up with Zipcar for the time being; it's going to be inconvenient as hell having to either take public transit or reserve a car to go anywhere, but at least I'll stay alive. Depending on what's happening on public transit, anyway.

My boyfriend and I still haven't had our Valentine's Day. Something came up the day we were going to do it, so we still had our night together but it was too late by the time he got back for us to actually go anywhere. He promised me a raincheck, which we haven't followed up on because for the past week, I've been sick. Combination of influenza and a gastrointestinal virus. I'm still not entirely feeling human....

The other day, my boyfriend asked me to email a few people about plans for Saturday (last night). One of them said she was doing a gaming gathering in the afternoon, and seemed surprised my boyfriend hadn't mentioned it to me. (He knows I'm not much into games; she didn't know that.) She invited me to go...so I did.

There were only two other people there, a man and a woman who are both friends of my boyfriend. But of mine too, now, I guess. I couldn't understand the first game we tried to play. I don't grok the kind of game where you have little tokens and you "buy" water or laborers or whatever; I have no idea how to figure out what I'm supposed to "buy" or trade or whatever. On only my second turn, I was completely stuck. I apologized and said I was going to bow out, because I was not comprehending things and I didn't want to ruin their gaming.

In the past, at times like that, people have gotten angry or impatient, or at the very least have said, "Okay, see you later, we're going to keep playing this." But these two said, "No problem, we have other games. We'll just play something else so you can stay."

Neither of them knows me well. I don't think they have any concept at all of the impact that made on me. Not only were they not upset or frustrated...they were patient, tried to explain the first game, and when I still couldn't get it they just completely changed plans midstream. I had to fight with myself not to argue or try to talk them out of it, because that was just, to me, such an amazing thing for them to do.

So we played a few other games, until the woman had to leave and I decided to go get something to eat. The guy and the woman who had invited me--who didn't show up until just as the other woman was leaving--ended up at the same food place I did, so we sat and chatted while we ate, and then I headed to my boyfriend's. I felt proud of myself; I socialized with people I don't know well, in a setting that was not comfortable for me initially (because I felt like a bloody idiot for not being able to understand the first game), and I got really frustrated with myself for not understanding. But I hung in there, and things worked out really well.

In other news, Site Guy's been messaging and says he really wants to see me, but won't let me drive out there in a deathtrap car. Now that won't be an issue, since I can Zipcar it, so I need to let him know that.

I had to cancel my date with Tie Guy because of being sick, so we've rescheduled for next week.
 
I'm not having fun with the lack of car thing. My ex (my kids' dad) called me yesterday morning and said a friend of his who owns a used-car lot has a few cars that might work for me, and that the friend would take my piece of shit in trade even though we still owe on it, and would make sure I got reasonable payments.

This is the guy who until six years ago I couldn't talk to without it resulting in yelling and me having a panic attack... And now he's trying to help me find a car and saying things like "We need to get you into something safe to drive." I told him I'd talk to Hubby about the car thing; I haven't had a chance yet because Hubby's been dealing with some work things. But since I've restarted the business I first started last spring, and part of the deal with that is that I'll travel to clients, having my own car would be very beneficial... I can use ZipCar if I do have to drive to clients, but that has the potential to run into a big cost depending on how far I have to go and how long an appointment is, and how many appointments I have. (So far, none...)

Since I don't have a car, I can't see Site Guy unless I get a ZipCar for several hours. I haven't decided whether I want to spend the money for that. Then again, he hasn't actually asked me over, he's just said a few times that he wants to, so it's irrelevant unless he actually asks.

I also can't go to a lot of the meetups and events I want to go to, because they aren't public transit-accessible, and again, the expense of using ZipCar is a bit prohibitive.

I had a date with Tie Guy last night. We ended up just sitting at a restaurant talking for over four hours, but it was nice. I'm getting along a lot better with him than when I tried dating him before. At the end of the date, he kissed me; that was the first kiss.
 
I've been working on my business. And my confidence, or lack thereof, which is kinda hampering my business.

I know what I'm doing as far as the services I provide. What I don't have is the confidence to convince *clients* I know what I'm doing. Or to write a bunch of articles to post on LinkedIn and elsewhere, as Tie Guy suggested when we were talking at dinner. He knows a lot about marketing, so he's giving me advice and suggestions about that. And my boyfriend knows a lot about building and running a business, so he's advising me on the general business stuff. Between the two of them, at least I don't have to pay for consultants...

The problem is figuring out why I am completely confident in my skills and abilities, but I'm struggling with believing that *other people* will believe I know what I'm doing and what I'm talking about. If that made any sense.

I'm also dealing with issues with Country. She barely talks to me at all, even when I try to get in touch. During the fall semester, she was at least answering and having conversations with me sometimes... It's really hard right now. People have told me I should stop giving her spending money if she isn't going to visit or talk to me, but that just feels wrong; it's like the deadbeat parents who say "Why should I pay child support if I don't see the kid?" Country's legally an adult, but she's still my child, and I can't just completely unplug everything from her like that.

Her dad and stepmom, along with Alt and Alt's fiance, are going to sit down with Country this weekend and try to get her to at least give them some idea of what her problem with me is. Once again, I'm really astonished by her dad's support. I don't know whether Country will talk to them or not, but I do know that I've spent the past three days crying almost constantly about the situation... I feel like I was in mourning and now I've reached "acceptance" stage. I don't think she and I'll ever really be close, but it would be nice if I at least saw her once in a while...(It isn't because she's busy; she goes to visit her dad and stepmom once or twice a month, and talks to them once or twice a week.)

The car thing didn't work out; Hubby was okay with looking into it, but then my ex said we would need a down payment. If we had money for a down payment, we could fix the worst of the problems wiht my car so we could keep it on the road a bit longer... So now I don't know what I'm going to do. I just got an every-other-Friday gig doing intuitive readings, about 60 miles from here, which is gonna mean 8 hours minimum of renting a ZipCar. Probably more like 9 hours to account for traffic. Ugh. Kinda pointless when you look at it that way...I might be going up there to earn nothing at all some days. But I need to think positively. I will earn money, more than enough to cover the car.
 
The car saga continues. My ex and I have/had a friend (my ex is still friends with him, I haven't spoken to him since the divorce) who owns a Ford dealership who might be able to get Hubby financed for a used car or possibly even a new one. Hubby's okay with the idea of talking to the guy, especially after I told him that between ZipCar and car rentals, I had to spend over $200 on transportation in March--and we're still making payments on the undrivable car. My ex's friend would take that car in trade. The trick is that the dealership is about 3 1/2- 4 hours away from us...

Things are somewhat better with Country as well. The day everyone talked to her, she called me and stayed on the phone with me for an hour and a half! She's never talked to me that long! I was so happy I kept alternating between wanting to jump for joy and having my eyes water... We've only talked a couple of times since, but she told me during the phone call that she has a lot of projects due because there's now only about 5 weeks left in the semester before exams.

She also said she's going to try to come home this weekend, at least for a night, and that between the end of exams and the start of her summer job, she's going to try to spend some time here. Which will be good; her job is at a summer camp, so she'll be gone for 2 months and will only have cell service once a week for an hour or so when she goes into town on her day off. And no internet service at all.

Things with Hubby are good, and so are things with my boyfriend. Tie Guy and I had another date since my last post, and that went well; we're starting to move toward some kind of relationship, though I'm still not sure of the form I want that to take. He and I have another date Friday afternoon, but I'm gonna have to cut that one a bit short because of Country's visit. I've pretty much written off Site Guy (I've probably said that before...) because I haven't heard from him in a month, since he said something along the lines of "Oh, you have ZipCar, we should get together."

I've been chatting on OKC the past couple of days with someone who seems to have a lot in common with me. Still early-stage chatting, and he lives about 5 hours away so I don't know that we would ever even have a chance to meet. But I'm enjoying the conversation.
 
The OKC guy with whom I was chatting ghosted. Though he did first tell me he had a lot going on in his life and was dealing with "some stuff." I might message him again at some point, but probably not.

There's a guy I met at the club at one point (or, rather...a guy who says he met me at the club, but I don't remember; which doesn't mean we didn't meet, it means I don't remember). He's been messaging me off and on on Kik for months now, and he sometimes mentions wanting to get together with me. I think he's only interested in "playing," though, and right now I'm not in the mood for something that's solely sexual. That's pretty much what I had going on with Site Guy...who I still haven't seen and have barely heard from. Haven't heard much from Tie Guy lately either, other than some marketing info emails he's forwarded to me. But it's coming up on the time when he'll usually have a "slow week" work-wise, which means he'll probably get in touch soon to set up a date.

Country did come home for the weekend a few weeks ago, and it was a great experience. She talked with me a little about school and about her boyfriend, and we got along the entire time. Unlike previous times she's come home, she actually stayed the entire weekend, not only one night. I haven't had much contact with her since, but she's gearing up for final exams and I know she had a few papers due. Alt said they haven't really heard from Country much the past few weeks either, and they usually talk a few times a week.

I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately. Something I've tried to do before, but it seems more important this time. Over the past month or so, a lot of things have come to my attention that I really need to change, because they're problems for me as well as for Hubby and my boyfriend. A lot of it has to do with how I interact--or don't--with other people, which has been keeping me from making friends and often from meeting other people.

What it mostly boils down to, though, is fear and not having a good opinion of myself. Which is something that's been called to my attention plenty of times, but previously I haven't really done anything about it. I haven't felt like I was worth not feeling like I wasn't worth it, if that makes any sense. So I'm working on all of that through my own means and with my therapist. And, of course, with help from Hubby and my boyfriend, both of whom are completely amazing about it.

I'm putting myself out there more. Socializing has been difficult for me, but I'm trying harder. I have friends I barely see, and I'm trying to change that. I'm meeting more people too. I don't know how it's going to play out, but usually if I set my mind to something and try really hard, I can do it.
 
The day after my last post, I heard from the guy who ghosted. He said he still had a lot going on, but he was sorry he hadn't been in touch, and he missed talking to me. We chatted for a couple hours, and I haven't heard from him since. I'll probably message him in a day or so just to see if he answers.

As predicted, Tie Guy got in touch a few days ago to let me know when he's available. I'm going to be out of town most of the week he mentioned, but we were able to find a time to get together. That isn't for over a week, though.

I've been doing a lot of work on myself, on changing my mindset and that kind of thing. I'm noticing the changes. I'm a lot calmer in general, and I'm coping much better when I'm told things about my boyfriend's other partners. For the most part, I've been able all along to be happy for him, but that happiness has always been tempered with "But *I* don't have that." I'm doing a lot better at not thinking that "but" and not being upset about sitting home alone with the cats while he's out having fun. I'm also meeting more people, so hopefully there won't be as much time sitting home alone.

(Hubby's still here, obviously, but he's become very withdrawn lately. He's dealing with a lot of stress, and when that happens, he won't talk to me. Not about the stress or about much of anything else.)

I've become friends with a woman my boyfriend has known for a long time; he introduced us. We have a lot in common, and we've talked about going to an event together that she's gone to before and that I want to go to.

I've also become friends with a guy who my boyfriend has also known for a long time. I've met him a couple of times at events, and the last time, a week or so ago, he and I talked most of the night. The next night, with a bit of intervention from my boyfriend, he took me to dinner and a concert. He says he isn't in a head space to date right now, but he wants to be friends and spend more time with me. Maybe things will go further in the future; if not, he's a cool guy, and I can always use more friends.
 
Just got back yesterday from a retreat my boyfriend and I went to. It was a good experience, but I think I could have done better about trying to interact with other people. I'm still not comfortable with that sometimes.

The last date with Tie Guy... I think I need to end that. He's a nice guy, but there are some things about him that make him very incompatible with me. And, more importantly, I don't feel comfortable enough with him for even vanilla sex, let alone kink, which is what he's hoping for. We've talked about moving in that direction, but I don't think I can, and I'm not going to push myself to do anything with someone I don't have a level of comfort with. He texted me while I was at the retreat (even though he knew I wouldn't have phone service) to say he was ready to schedule our next date. I haven't replied, because I'm trying to figure out what to say. Or, rather, how to say "No, I'd rather not see you anymore" without being a bitch about it.

I went back to the club I was going to last year. Sex didn't happen, because I was at that point in the process of trying to negotiate with and understand the point of view of both of my guys in relation to safer sex practices when I go to the club. I did spend a bit of time in the dungeon with a guy I've known a few years from the site where I met Hubby. I was a bit surprised to see him there, but it was cool because at least I knew him.

My boyfriend's friend that I mentioned last time took me out on what I feel like I have to consider a date. Dinner, a movie, and ice cream. We talked a little after the movie and he said that even though a relationship isn't on the table right now, he was interested in adding a physical component to our friendship. Since that was exactly what I was hoping for, I agreed. We haven't taken that step yet, though. We'll see what happens next time we get together. Right now I'm not entirely sure when that will be, but hopefully soon. I need a name for him, so I'm gonna call him Friend Guy, since "Guy" seems to be a theme in the nicknames I'm giving people lately.
 
I messaged Tie Guy over the weekend and told him I'm not comfortable with the idea of doing anything physical with him. He tried to get me to explain why, and I had to admit I don't really know. It's just the way it is. He said to let him know if he can help me figure it out, and we left it at that. At least he seemed to be taking it all right.

Things with Friend Guy, on the other hand, are revving up. I am COMPLETELY comfortable with him. In a lot of ways, we're so compatible it's almost scary. We think alike on a lot of things, enjoy some of the same movies and activities and such, and his kinks dovetail quite nicely with mine. We spent the entire day together Friday, much of it at his place. Some of it just watching movies curled up on his couch, and some doing... um, naked things. It just felt totally right and natural, like I've known him for years. That "click" that I always look for when I meet someone was present the first time he showed up at karaoke, and it's only grown from there.

I do have to watch my emotions, or at least how I present them. He has made it clear he isn't up for a relationship at this point, but FWB is fine. He's the type of guy I could very easily fall for, and kind of already have, and that's okay as long as I keep in mind where the connection needs to stay. But FWB is a pretty broad category, and so far he seems to see it the same way I do, which is good.

I've been struggling a bit the past day or so with things with my boyfriend. He has a couple of dating potentials, and one of them feels threatening to me. I don't mean anything she's said or done, just something about how he describes her worries me as to how things will play out. I've already had one situation where a metamour and I just plain did not get along, and that was painful and unpleasant. I would rather not deal with a similar situation. So hopefully I'm wrong about this one.

But I'm also afraid that if he adds people to the roster, as it were, I'll lose some of what I have with him. He has promised me that won't happen, but fear isn't rational, and time and space are finite things. I'm trying not to think about it.
 
Haven't seen Friend Guy since my last post. He's been busy. We've chatted a few times, and I'm hoping I'll get to see him soon. He's going to be gone for part of the summer, so I'd really like to see him before he leaves.

Things with my boyfriend are okay. The potential about whom I was worried didn't work out. I feel sad for him because of that, but I also feel relieved.

The relationship's been a bit complex lately because I'm realizing that I depend on him far more than I'm comfortable with. Some of the discomfort is due to past experience, where people on whom I've depended have bailed or not followed through on their word, but some of it's because I just depend on him too much. He's my only social outlet, for the most part, and since Hubby's isolating himself more lately and isn't interested in most of the things I do (business, writing, etc.), my boyfriend's the one I talk to and ask for help/advice from.

I've also realized that I'm getting stuck in other crap from my past when it comes to him. I have a... let's just say not great relationship with my parents, and that's been the case as long as I can remember, even when I was little. As a kid, I always thought that if I could just be perfect, or even good enough, my parents would love and want me and would demonstrate it, and things would be better. Of course, that meant I was *never* good enough, because no matter what I did, nothing with my parents changed. I've long since given up on that, because I've realized my parents' issues have nothing to do with me, and the way they treated me was due to their issues, but I still have the tendency to think "If I were just good enough/perfect/did this thing/whatever, people would like me and want me."

That's caused problems in my marriage, because for a while I thought Hubby's preference not to spend time with me was because of *me*. Because I wasn't good enough. My not-great relationship with Country, same thing; it's because I'm not a good enough mom. (That relationship is improving, and it isn't anything about my parenting other than that she has different ideas about what a "real mom" does than I have. I parented by pretty much doing the opposite of what my parents did.) I've come to understand and believe, though, that again, in both of those cases *their* issues are the reasons behind their behavior; it has nothing at all to do with me in Hubby's case, and very little to do with me in Country's case.

My boyfriend has a tendency to come across as somewhat.., parental, for want of a better term. He isn't much older than I am, but sometimes I feel very, very young with him, which has a lot to do with him just being a very solid and nurturing person. He's also my Dom, which adds another layer to that perception. So I spend a lot of time subconsciously worrying that I'm not good enough, and he's going to realize it and not want or love me anymore. Intellectually I know that's not the case, but it sometimes causes me to project onto him things that I'm thinking about myself (along the "not good enough" lines), like thinking he's going to consider me immature if I can't deal with him meeting new potential partners when really, *I* am the one who's thinking that and perceiving it as "not good enough."

I just realized over the weekend that that's a lot of what's been going on with the problems in the relationship, so I brought it up with him this morning and asked him to help me work on it.

Meanwhile... Hubby and I found out a couple weeks ago that our landlord is massively raising our rent, above what we can afford, so we're looking for a new place to live. We're limited on where we can go, because he has to be within half an hour from work, and unfortunately that means we're looking in areas in which we're unlikely to find anything in our price range that's big enough to accommodate the fact that much of Country's stuff is still here and she's asked that we keep a place for her to stay when she visits (even though she barely visits).

I posted about that in a group on Fet, and Tie Guy saw it and messaged me to say he's happy to help if I want him to. Not sure what he can do to help, but it was a nice offer.

Site Guy messaged me out of the blue last week and asked me to get together the following night. Which of course was out of the question because I don't have a car, and also because I'm not sure I want to see him again. I'm still feeling like, even though he said to the contrary, he was considering me just a booty call, and that isn't what I'm interested in being. When I said I couldn't make it on that short notice, he asked if I could get together this Wednesday. Then he messaged me today and said he forgot he has a family thing this week, and could we make it *next* Wednesday instead. I said maybe; on the one hand, there is the "booty call" issue, but on the other hand, my birthday's next week and I'm kind of feeling like I want to spend some time being a complete hedonist just because I can. So I'm pondering.
 
Thank you!

My birthday was okay. Got some extra time with Hubby before he went to work in the morning, and in the evening, my boyfriend took me out to dinner. That was pretty much it, other than texts from Alt and Country and the obligatory Facebook "happy birthdays." And a text from Friend Guy. I believe he has left for his summer thing, so I guess so much for seeing him before he leaves. I texted him the middle of last week to ask if he would have time for coffee or something on my birthday, and he didn't answer, even though we were in the middle of a conversation when I asked...

I've mostly given up on that. It was meant to only be a friendship anyway, perhaps with benefits, and maybe I was expecting too much to think we would hang out more regularly. Though to be fair to myself, we saw each other every other Friday for several weeks, so it was a logical expectation on my part that we would see each other fairly regularly. I'm not completely writing him off, but I'm not holding my breath for anything additional to happen either.

I have struggled with that some, because last time I saw him, I told him some things about myself that I don't always tell people. And he saw me naked. It's been a bit difficult not to think that those two things are *why* he hasn't mentioned wanting to see me again, or at least are factors in it, even though he responded positively at the time.

But I'm working on not assuming someone's intentions. The only things I *know* for sure are that he hasn't mentioned wanting to see me again, and he's been busy getting ready for his summer thing. Though it is a bit sketchy to me that he told me a few times he was spending all his free time getting ready for the summer thing, but I was seeing on Fet that he'd gone to events and such, and he also told me about getting together with other friends. Seems to me if he could make time for those things, he could have made time to meet me for coffee or something. But it is what it is.

I was supposed to see Site Guy the night before my birthday, but I canceled with him because I didn't want to rent a car to drive out there. (He lives about an hour from me.) I actually wanted to rent a car for the weekend, or at least Saturday, so I could go to the club, and I couldn't afford both.

I went to the club on Saturday, where they were having an afternoon barbecue leading into the usual nighttime stuff. I didn't get to do anything there, though; I ended up having a massive panic attack, for no real discernible reason, and had to leave about 2 hours into the barbecue. Which sucked. I'd been looking forward to actually doing sexual things there for the first time since last summer...and honestly, that might have been part of the cause of the panic attack.

I'm interested in having (an)other sexual partner(s) besides Hubby and my boyfriend, but I don't think I want those partners to be random guys at the club. I just don't seem to have much luck meeting guys otherwise.
 
Oops, it's been longer than I thought since I updated this. Let's see...

Still nothing from Friend Guy. I've given up on anything going anywhere with that, or even on calling it a friendship anymore. I know he's been busy, and that's okay. Maybe he's even waiting for me to reach out to him; maybe he's afraid I don't want to talk to him anymore because it's been a while. But right at the moment, I don't have the emotional bandwidth to play guessing games about it. Plus something my boyfriend, who's known Friend Guy for a long time, told me leaves me wondering if my first assumption was actually correct.

I went on a date with a guy I know from elsewhere a couple of weeks ago and haven't heard much from him since either. Which is too bad. It seemed promising; we were on the same page about what we were looking for, and we're pretty compatible. He said he wanted to see me again, but nothing's been mentioned since, though it has only been a couple weeks. We've chatted a few times since, so at least he hasn't totally ghosted, though he only answers if I message him, he doesn't message me.

That's fine, though. I'm in another mental slump where I don't see the point in having any additional guys in my life, because it seems like a whole lot of time, energy, and effort to go through and not good enough odds of having positive results. If someone came along with whom I clicked, and he didn't actually ghost me or choose not to follow through on seeing me again, I wouldn't close the door to it, but I'm not actively seeking right now.

It's been a stressful month or so, anyway. But we're coming out of that now. I finally have a car again! And Hubby and I found a new apartment over the weekend, *just* under the wire since we have to be out of this place by the 15th. Now it's a matter of packing, and then figuring out where everything's going to go in the new place. It's smaller than what we have now, but we've gotten rid of some furniture, so I think we'll manage. It's just going to take some arranging. We're moving this weekend.
 
Congrats on the new car and new apartment! Happy for you. With all that going on, I understand you don't have bandwidth for dating and hoping for a new relationship. I can totally relate, what with what I've gone through in the past year. It is a LOT of effort to date and get to know people and kiss frogs and hope for something real to develop.
 
Thank you. We're settled into the new apartment now, and I'm looking forward to things calming down a bit now. Neither of my kids has seen the place; Alt doesn't drive, and Country is refusing to visit. But we'll sort that out eventually. She'll have to come here at least for a few hours to get her school stuff that she left in May.

I'm hoping things will turn around with the frogs, too...
 
The new apartment is really good. It's a lot quieter here than the old place.

I started a new job this past week. I'm still getting used to it, and I'm a little concerned about trying to work both jobs. It's been a long time since I've worked this many hours in a week, and my health isn't as good as it was then. But I'm hoping I'll be okay.

I met someone new this weekend. We'd been chatting online for about a week, and his profiles on the two sites he's on sounded very compatible with me, so I asked him if he wanted to meet for dinner yesterday. In person, he's even more compatible with me than he sounded online. He's definitely my type of guy. Very nice and respectful. Sexually and kink-wise we match up perfectly.

After dinner, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place, so I did. Let's just say I didn't get home until this afternoon, and there was quite a bit of naked fun involved. Before we left the dinner place, I told him I needed to text Hubby his address and phone number, and he upped it by telling me to also give Hubby his last name.

This time with him was pretty much entirely vanilla, but we talked about that not always being the case. He said several times that he wants to see me again, as soon and as often as I want to, so I think it looks pretty promising. I'll give him a name next time, though, just in case I'm wrong again.
 
KC43 said:
I met someone new this weekend. We'd been chatting online for about a week, and his profiles on the two sites he's on sounded very compatible with me, so I asked him if he wanted to meet for dinner yesterday.
Click to expand...
Oh wow, you've really made an extraordinary progress on the dating stuff :)
Congratulations for your new interesting interest ;)
 
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