New poly partner
- Thread starter Dee@304
- Start date
Hello Dee@304,
Don't feel bad about not telling your friends and family about your poly relationship; having to be "in the closet poly" is often necessary, and is the situation I myself am in. I hope all goes well in your relationship with the married couple; if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Don't feel bad about not telling your friends and family about your poly relationship; having to be "in the closet poly" is often necessary, and is the situation I myself am in. I hope all goes well in your relationship with the married couple; if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Welcome,
I feel like it's my duty to give some information. Please know that you didn't "join a couple." You have started two relationships. Each person in this couple is an individual. You might have initial physical chemistry with both, but turn out to prefer one over the other. Or one of them might feel they click with you, while the other might lose interest, or become jealous.
On the other hand, maybe you've known them as friends for years and have only just decided to add sex to the mix...
Trying to form a triad is the absolute hardest way to start doing polyamory. Your family and friends might be right to feel concerned, should they find out.
There is a ton of info on this board about the hazards and joys and how-to's of forming triads. You can do a search.
hi there...don t know you but here s my take on this...
Maybe don't say nothing to no one ... give it time...get to know them and yourself at the same time...i bet you'll find some new stuff about yourself.
People are...well I hope you never find out but...whilst trusting and expecting the same back is not a weakness ....perceptions and preconceived ideas are real...you may lose close friends and permanently shut down lifelong relationships ...not because you're doing something outrageous ...but rather because a number of a bunch of reasons of whom you bring this new truth about yourself ...
some may resent it because they don t expect it, or because they do not understand it, others have had an image painted of yourself since they know you ( that image was brushed by their own boundaries and criteria you have had to fit when first met them , because that s how society works right )
Don't get me wrong here ... I'm all about and in favor of true friendship where you can open up and not having to worry about true human nature coming to dinner...then again ... I wasn't often disappointed, but I'm a different breed...plus I'm 6'3 born and raised in the east with a strong heritage ...but never mind that...what I m trying to say here is this:
A new breed of ''bacteria'' had evolved....a new species...it is the first one to show up for you, the first one to offer support, they say all the right words and do the unexpected, they feed on your trust and appreciation, ( see The Talented Mister Ripley, the movie ) this species has the ability to read the whole of you with very little effort and knowledge about yourself...
I know...creepy as fk...but they are out there...on our speed dials , on a first base with our close family, waiting patiently...
When one of these mf drops on you...for unknown reasons...sometimes for no gains at all....it breaks you and leaves you scared for a very long time.
Now you go on and enjoy this new experience you ve got yourself in....and maybe...just maybe ....KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
All the best .
Tony
Maybe don't say nothing to no one ... give it time...get to know them and yourself at the same time...i bet you'll find some new stuff about yourself.
People are...well I hope you never find out but...whilst trusting and expecting the same back is not a weakness ....perceptions and preconceived ideas are real...you may lose close friends and permanently shut down lifelong relationships ...not because you're doing something outrageous ...but rather because a number of a bunch of reasons of whom you bring this new truth about yourself ...
some may resent it because they don t expect it, or because they do not understand it, others have had an image painted of yourself since they know you ( that image was brushed by their own boundaries and criteria you have had to fit when first met them , because that s how society works right )
Don't get me wrong here ... I'm all about and in favor of true friendship where you can open up and not having to worry about true human nature coming to dinner...then again ... I wasn't often disappointed, but I'm a different breed...plus I'm 6'3 born and raised in the east with a strong heritage ...but never mind that...what I m trying to say here is this:
A new breed of ''bacteria'' had evolved....a new species...it is the first one to show up for you, the first one to offer support, they say all the right words and do the unexpected, they feed on your trust and appreciation, ( see The Talented Mister Ripley, the movie ) this species has the ability to read the whole of you with very little effort and knowledge about yourself...
I know...creepy as fk...but they are out there...on our speed dials , on a first base with our close family, waiting patiently...
When one of these mf drops on you...for unknown reasons...sometimes for no gains at all....it breaks you and leaves you scared for a very long time.
Now you go on and enjoy this new experience you ve got yourself in....and maybe...just maybe ....KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
All the best .
Tony
Thank you for the support im really not sure what im getting into but im sure im happy.
Im so grateful for this info. This is my first poly relationship and I have no idea what im doing. Im sure this is what i want and I am the happiest I've ever been.Welcome,
I feel like it's my duty to give some information. Please know that you didn't "join a couple." You have started two relationships. Each person in this couple is an individual. You might have initial physical chemistry with both, but turn out to prefer one over the other. Or one of them might feel they click with you, while the other might lose interest, or become jealous.
On the other hand, maybe you've known them as friends for years and have only just decided to add sex to the mix...
Trying to form a triad is the absolute hardest way to start doing polyamory. Your family and friends might be right to feel concerned, should they find out.
There is a ton of info on this board about the hazards and joys and how-to's of forming triads. You can do a search.
This right here Tony was a serious breakdown of what I was really feeling inside. But I'm not afraid to hide from my family and friends. I am very happy and very loved and very well taken care of. If they don't like it then I guess I will lose them, friends and family. This is my truth and I'm choosing to live in it just like anyone coming out of the closet for the first time.
Should I be worried?
MoPoly
Member
Well, as Magdlyn pointed out, being the new person that joins an established couple is considered one of the hardest poly relationships to manage. Of course, it depends on the individuals, but there are common patterns you need to watch out for. Right now, everything will seem rosy, as you’ll probably all have New Relationship Energy (NRE). This feels wonderful, but will gradually change over time. What is important is to be really good at communicating and clear about your needs and boundaries.
Things to watch out for include:
- Different relationships. You’re not dating a unit, you’re dating two individual people. This makes three relationships. You + husband. You + wife. Wife + husband. What happens if one relationship works, but another doesn’t? How do you allocate time to each of your relationships? Are you expected to act always as a triad?
- Couples privilege. Some couples have their own agreements about prioritising their ‘primary’ relationship that are not fair to the third person. This can extend into unfair allocations of time, finance, other resources, where the primary couple assumes they have priority, and that you, as the secondary, will be willing to sacrifice your needs for the primary dyad. This so rarely works well for the secondary that you’ll hear phrases like ‘unicorn’ and ‘unicorn hunters,’ because it is so rare that someone wants to play this part. Look them up and read around the subject. Remember your feelings and needs are just as important as the husband’s and as the wife’s.
- Couples veto. Some couples have a prior agreement that one can veto the other’s relationship if they start to get uncomfortable. So, for example, if wife/husband gets jealous that you are closer to the other, they can say when it ends. This is not fair and not healthy polyamory.
- Sex. Do you have sex with each of them separately, or are you only ‘allowed’ to have sex with both of them, but they can have sex with each other? Are you ’allowed’ to have other sexual partners outside the triad (subject to STI checks)? In other words, do they try to exert control? What happens if you want more sex with one than another, if you don’t want to always be three in a bed?
- Sticking plaster. Does the married couple have a healthy relationship that genuinely seeks greater expression through polyamory? Unfortunately, some couples get into poly because they have problems in their marriage, and think that adding a third person is the solution (a sticking plaster that holds them together). If they weren’t good at their main relationship, then all hell may break loose when they try to navigate the two extra relationships they have with you-- once the NRE wears off.
These are just some of the common pitfalls. As this is your first time, be sure to educate yourself and don’t just rely on what the couple say. They may have lots of experience and be great, or they may be new to this too, and not necessarily well-informed. This forum has lots of links to great resources. Discuss feelings and issues as they emerge, even if it feels a bit awkward to start with. Be clear about your needs and boundaries, and if they are seen as ‘second-class,’ be prepared to say, ‘This doesn’t work for me any more,’ and move onto another relationship that does.
But it may also work really well. Just because triads are harder to navigate doesn’t mean they never work. Whatever happens, this will be a truly exciting, deep-learning adventure on your lifelong path of fully becoming yourself.
Having confidence that you’re in a truly healthy pair of relationships and you’re happy will give you more confidence to tell friends and family-- when and if the right time comes. They may or may not accept your desire to be polyamorous, but you will, by then, have developed more vocabulary and confidence to be clear about who you are.
Good luck and enjoy the journey!
Bobbi
Well-known member
I'd be very cautious and keep your eyes open. Learn about unicorn hunting and how the new person could be treated and keep your eyes open and be able to advocate for yourself. The chances of UH situation lasting are so very slim, but it can rarely happen. It takes a breakdown of the original couple's relationship into a brand-new dynamic. It shouldn't be them plus you.
There should be 4 relationships in a triad: you + partner A, you + partner B, partner A+ partner B, and all three of you together.
A triad is poly on hard mode. Add a pre-existing couple and you have a very unfair relationship to you. All 3 dyads should be getting alone time to develop their relationships, without interference or rules from the outside party. If there are weird rules, like you all have sex together, except when it's just them, run. Nothing good will come from that.
Here is a good article about the rights of a "secondary." Please read it.