Hi all,
This is my first time doing a message board...on any site. But today, I am in need of advice that I doubt I could get from any source that I regular.
My name is Kris (she and her) and I recently ended a relationship with my girlfriend of 9 months. We were open and most days I was okay that. But there were days that I let my insecurities get the best of me and I wasn't okay with it. This relationship structure is new to me and I did not know what to expect from my girlfriend or from myself.
In July, I found myself being hyperaware of how she related to other people, how many people were attracted to her, and how many people were almost obsessed with her. To be fair, these were just my perceptions. I got really squirmy and started to doubt if I was secure enough to handle it. Even though, she was with me every night, and even though she was reassuring me about our relationship, and even though she was so patient with me. I still doubted my ability to navigate this relationship.
In August, for the first time in the history of our relationship, I slept with another woman. Initially, I felt okay about it. I think that my girlfriend was fine with it too. Until it happened again and I started to feel off about it. It felt dishonest, it felt wrong. I still haven't pinpointed why. Shortly after, I told my girlfriend that I couldn't be open. She was once again, very patient. Told me, that we could go slow. She told me, that she wanted to be with me and that right now, we could just build. I pushed the issue. Eventually forcing her hand. I look back and I recognize immediately that I worked out of fear of losing her.
Right now, I am not scared but I am sad. Sad that I bailed and didn't communicate more. I'm sad that I do not think that I will have the courage to dial back my pride enough to say these things to her.
Last night, we talked. I told her a lot of things. But not that I was wrong, scared, or that I just needed a minute. I told a lot of shit that didn't really matter.
It's hard to say that I was wrong and unfair, aloud. But I was. I may not get to correct this and/or try again with her. Guess I'll have to be okay with that.
Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I'm flailing in emotions and not doing a very good job keeping boundaries with my girlfriend or ex-girlfriend (my doing, not hers).
This is my first time doing a message board...on any site. But today, I am in need of advice that I doubt I could get from any source that I regular.
My name is Kris (she and her) and I recently ended a relationship with my girlfriend of 9 months. We were open and most days I was okay that. But there were days that I let my insecurities get the best of me and I wasn't okay with it. This relationship structure is new to me and I did not know what to expect from my girlfriend or from myself.
In July, I found myself being hyperaware of how she related to other people, how many people were attracted to her, and how many people were almost obsessed with her. To be fair, these were just my perceptions. I got really squirmy and started to doubt if I was secure enough to handle it. Even though, she was with me every night, and even though she was reassuring me about our relationship, and even though she was so patient with me. I still doubted my ability to navigate this relationship.
In August, for the first time in the history of our relationship, I slept with another woman. Initially, I felt okay about it. I think that my girlfriend was fine with it too. Until it happened again and I started to feel off about it. It felt dishonest, it felt wrong. I still haven't pinpointed why. Shortly after, I told my girlfriend that I couldn't be open. She was once again, very patient. Told me, that we could go slow. She told me, that she wanted to be with me and that right now, we could just build. I pushed the issue. Eventually forcing her hand. I look back and I recognize immediately that I worked out of fear of losing her.
Right now, I am not scared but I am sad. Sad that I bailed and didn't communicate more. I'm sad that I do not think that I will have the courage to dial back my pride enough to say these things to her.
Last night, we talked. I told her a lot of things. But not that I was wrong, scared, or that I just needed a minute. I told a lot of shit that didn't really matter.
It's hard to say that I was wrong and unfair, aloud. But I was. I may not get to correct this and/or try again with her. Guess I'll have to be okay with that.
Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I'm flailing in emotions and not doing a very good job keeping boundaries with my girlfriend or ex-girlfriend (my doing, not hers).
