New poly relationship support!

[agreen0919]

I've been in a situationship with someone for 10 years. We've both been married or in relationships this whole time. I'm now fully single and he's in a relationship, living with someone. About 6 months ago he brought a poly relationship up. I agreed and so did his girlfriend. They live together and his son lives with them, so obviously they will get more time together than us. But lately I've been feeling very lonely and left out. I love this man more than anything and I've tried to talk to him about how I'm feeling, but he just isn't getting it. I know it will never truly be 50/50 and that is okay, but lately it's been like 90/10 and it's definitely getting to me. This whole poly relationship is new to me, and honestly, I'm good with it, but I'm just feeling left out in so many ways. How do you deal with that? Hobbies, friends, etc.?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello agreen0919,

Yes, hobbies and friends are two of the tools you have in your toolbox, but also you need to be able to have a productive conversation with your partner. Tell him you expect something on the order of 60/40, while he is giving you 90/10. State that you want more of his time and attention, and ask him how he's going to make that happen. He's obviously not getting it when you speak euphemistically, you will have to be direct before he'll hear you. Good luck and please keep us posted as your situation evolves.

Regards and sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

It is possible to build a poly relationship, more of a secondary kind, on maybe two dates a month, if you have plenty of texting or phone or videocalls in between. Some people can become quite close this way.

For example, my bf Aries sees his OSO Sadie, on average, twice a month. She's married, works a lot of hours, and has a kid. Plus she lives over an hour's drive away in the next state. But I know Aries is very consistent with texting her every day, at least to say good morning, but probably much more than that. He's a chatty kind of guy.

However, maybe you need more in-person dates.

Conversely, you could consider this guy more of a "comet," that comes and goes, and keep seeking a more consistently available bf, to add to the current guy (or replace him with).