New Relationship. No Advice needed...yet.

[redpepper]

Two or three times a week doesn't seem like enough to someone in NRE. Later, it's usually enough in a poly dynamic, or at least could be, in order to have other relationships. At least, that's what its been for me.

I am intrigued by what you said, Mags. It's a different take on relationships starting to mine. I require full attention at the beginning in order to establish trust and build a relationship to health before opening myself to other options for partners. With Mono that's taken years. I am going at his pace.

I remember when I was younger thinking it was all a rush to settle in. Now I love the journey of creating a relationship. The journey lasts until it's done. None of my relationships have ever been done, just changed. Sometimes entirely, like my bf in university, who chose to lose touch with me. I still think about him, love him and wonder if we will meet again. It's part of the journey, to me.

I guess it depends on your love style and the particulars of how people invest. It would be worth talking about that with her, I think, as she could be like me and require full attention when starting out.

 

[Anneintherain]

I think as she could be like me and require full attention when starting out.

That does make me wonder how that would work if OP were already dating other people when he started dating her. For you, RP, Mono is/was monoamorous, so he had full time and attention to devote to you, as well as the desire to do so, I assume. I imagine full attention is defined instead as ENOUGH attention when multiple partners on both sides are involved.

I think if that if I were feeling an imbalance, and desired to see somebody much more than I could so early on, I would also want to be dating other people.

BFTrick, is there opposition to you DATING, or only to you having casual sex?

Sure, if you are content the way it is, that is wonderful, but I too think it's best to either begin as you would continue, as NYCindie says, or to at least clearly establish that you are willing to ACTIVELY agree to be in a closed relationship for X amount of time to build that relationship's strength before dating other people. I surely wouldn't let it be a passive decision made for me.

 

[redpepper]

For you RP, Mono was/is monoamorous, so he had full time and attention to devote to you, as well as the desire to do so, I assume.

It didn't have anything to do with him being monoamorous. I would request any partner I am seriously investing in to consider my need for their full attention. I tend to always prefer people who are willing to concentrate on "us," rather than adding more partners right away, or continuing to have sport sex/casual sex.

If they have partners already, fine, that's established already and they come with that. I'm talking about "adding" new people before WE are established. I think it's really important to concentrate and give full attention to new partners. I do that with them until such time as we agree both of us feel safe and secure enough to engage with other people, and as a result, I expect the same. Do unto others and all that. It's just what works best for me. I would be turned off and feel disrespected by a partner that does otherwise. It would be a real thrill-killer for me.

 

[Magdlyn]

RP, that's a hard line. I am glad that it works for you, but it so wouldn't have for me. When I met Pixi I'd only been separated from my ex-husband for three months. I didn't expect to fall so hard for her (and vice versa) and was in no way planning to stop dating and exploring some of the many people who were interested in me on OK Cupid, or those in whom I was interested. I'd been monogamous with the same guy from 1974-2009; there was no way I was going to just settle into my relationship with Pixi and not enjoy getting to know the minds and bodies of any other person I chose. My dating and other relationships didn't seem to hamper my relationship with Pixi. In fact, she was my biggest cheerleader and poly/kink mentor!

 

[AnnabelMore]

Yep, I think we can all agree that there's no One Twue Way... just what works or doesn't work for different people. That's what makes poly (and life, once you've stepped away from always only doing what's expected of you!) so complex and exciting.

 

[redpepper]

Yep, I think we can all agree that there's no One Twue Way... just what works or doesn't work for different people. That's what makes poly (and life, once you've stepped away from always only doing what's expected of you!) so complex and exciting.

Which is exactly why I think it's so important to not assume, to be open in communicating one's needs, to be considerate and empathize with positive intent, to be patient and proceed at a pace that works for all.

@Mags- it is a hard line, but I don't come from the same background as you. I wonder if I would be the same way as you describe coming out of your marriage. Likely I would. I can see how having many partners and lovers coming and going; each of them being people I attach to more or less, would work and be welcomed after a marriage of many years. I can see how having casual sex partners and friends with benefits or intimate friends would be part of that.

I see that that works for people, and how they might not want to put that on hold to see what we have. No problem. My guess would be we aren't a good match, then. I would likely be disappointed, and they might be too. But it's their choice and I can't do much about who I am. Neither can they.

It's not a hard line really; it's just a difference I would have. I would have to be sure that they knew this about me. I would be doing both of us a dis-service if I didn't. It's something I have thankfully figured out about myself. I would expect they would tell me what they require also, so that we could negotiate boundaries and see if we could come to an agreement.

Really though, for me it's a sure thing. I know I wouldn't be interested in someone that insists on pursuing others continuously and without a break for us to develop our relationship, if we have just decided to be partners.