New relationship/old poly relationship

[hjeckyl]

Last year I got divorced, leaving a 25 year marriage. We were open and I had an active play partner the last 5 years of the marriage (the open part and play partner had nothing to do with divorce). My play partner is also married. She and her husband are swingers, and both play outside the marriage. Likewise, my play partner has another regular person she sees, other than me.

About 6 months after the divorce I started dating someone, a person I have known off and on for many years, and things are promising. However, my play partner and I are very close, talk every day, tell each other I love you. It's not technically a polyamory thing, but it's close. The woman I'm dating does not know about the extent of this relationship. She knows I was in an open marriage and played outside the marriage. When I asked her how she felt about that, she said she was open-minded, but would not want that distraction at the beginning of a relationship and would prefer I not have a play partner.

Should I talk to my play partner and put things on hold to allow this new relationship to develop? I do not want to lose her from my life (and I don't think I would) but a play partner is different from a person you may end up being in a permanent relationship with.

 

[Ariakas]

About 6 months after divorce I started dating someone, a person I have known off and on for many years, and things are promising. However, my play partner and I are very close, talk every day, tell each other I love you. It's not technically a polyamory thing, but it's close.

Technically, polyamory is the capability of loving more than one. All the other crap wrapped around it is like the bible, peoples' interpretation in making something simple more complicated.

The woman I'm dating does not know about the extent of this relationship. She knows I was in an open marriage and played outside the marriage. When I asked her how she felt about that, she said she was open-minded, but would not want that distraction at the beginning of a relationship and would prefer I not have a play partner.

Should I talk to my play partner and put things on hold to allow this new relationship to develop? I do not want to lose her from my life (and I don't think I would) but a play partner is different from a person you may end up being in a permanent relationship with.

Tough spot. Do you concede and make space for the person coming in, or do you concede and maintain something you are already invested in without a label?

Personally, I don't do baby poly for these reasons. IMO, you should be transparent with the new person, 100% honest. Help her work through what that might mean for her, and hope it turns out for the best. Because right now, and no offence, its already a distraction ...

 

[Magdlyn]

Only you can answer this question! To me, it sounds like you're in between swinging and polyamory for your preference. Does your new person want you to be monogamous with her forever? Or does she just want you to focus on her during the beginning, and then open up? Is she single? No experience with ENM?

It sounds a bit rude to your current partner to ask to take a break to focus on the new untried person. But that's just all I can say with so little information.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi hjeckyl,

It sounds like you and your play partner are something more by now than just play partners to each other. It also sounds like you'll likely have to choose between your play partner and your new (potential) partner. If you put your play partner on the back burner, then your play partner will likely break up with you. If you keep seeing your play partner, then your new partner will likely break up with you. If you truly feel that the new relationship is more important than the old (play) relationship, then you should let the old relationship go. But I do feel that you won't be able to keep both relationships.

Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.