Hi!
I am coming here while I process some information and what has been happening with life and hopefully some different view points and advice if any.
I am in a situation with a woman, Dee. (If she ever gets on this site she will probably instantly know it's me making this post btw, if so.. hi Dee! <3)
So, some of you may have recalled my post where I (and my hubby Mr. J) have come out as poly on social media.. basically to everybody we know, save for our parents.
Right now Mr. J and I have both been actively searching for new partners. Our configuration is, to put it in the best words I can, VV. Rather, he is looking for a girlfriend. I am looking for a (separate) girlfriend. We are open to having the same girlfriend, if that ever were to come up in the event that he has a girlfriend that at some point is interested in a relationship with me, or if I have a girlfriend that is interested in him. We are not open to being involved directly to other men. I hope my configuration explanation that makes sense!
Anyways, after "coming out", Dee comes in.
So Mr. J has a best friend... that Dee used to date. So I met Dee back a few years ago, it was only once. We had a little kind-of double date in our backyard, little bbq thing.
Since then, we were simply friends on Facebook, we never really interacted with each other much or talked, but we were friendly. She ended up eventually splitting from Mr. J's best friend because she was moving back to a different state.
After I posted my polyamory info for the world, she messaged me on Facebook. She told me (first that she's proud I did that) and said that she had always wondered about me but was too shy to talk to me.
And just like that, things took off. Quickly. We started talking and actually getting acquainted with each other for the first time and we simply just hit it off. We have so much in common, her energy is just amazing.. I have never spoken to a woman that has had this energy for me before in over 10 years. Conversation just never ends with us and maybe it's something natural to each of us but we did start flirting pretty quickly too.
Only a week into talking, we already started talking about the potential for her flying out here or me going to her. We are sending each other packages and letters. We are just. idk.
We haven't established anything like "you are my girlfriend" or anything like that yet because it's of course really soon and we haven't met face-to-face in so long. We both kind of are on the same page that we want to meet and see if we actually click in person, the way that we seem to virtually/from far. Then we can establish how we feel we want to proceed with each other and how far.
Mr. J of course knows about everything and is okay with it. It is by his permission and with his full knowledge that I started talking with her and that I've gotten this far. He is okay with us having a relationship, etc.
Dee has a boyfriend over there with her who likewise is aware of everything and already was okay with her being polyamorous.
The thing is...which you can tell by the title...
She has just told me she's pregnant!
I am going to say this: Mr. J and I share two daughters together, ages 2 and 5. So I'm a mother. Mr. J is a father.
So the way that I have always seen it, when thinking about every configuration I would be okay with etc. for my V, I have always told myself that I would not mind being with a woman that has kids. I have kids, there's no rationalizing that I can expect someone to want to involve themselves with me while I have kids but not be open to others the same way.
I have always told myself as well that I am okay with a woman that is involved with a man. Again... I have a husband. Rationally, she should be allowed to have a husband/bf etc if she wants to also.
So now I guess I'm just deep-processing it. I always told myself that I would be okay with all of this and so far, I AM. Which kind of surprised her. She said that she thinks that it's best if she can fly out here with her bf, but she wants to do it soon because she doesn't want to get too big before she comes, part because of the baby's safety of course and part because she will be shy about her appearance. (which I also won't mind, I've had feelings for pregnant women before.)
She has now taken herself away for the day to give me a little space to think about everything.
It is a lot. It's been only about a week and a half of talking with her, she is still pretty much a stranger. But I'm here now wondering if in the long-run I would be okay being involved with a woman that is bringing new life into the world.
I think about it and in every way, I am finding myself to be okay with her and still want to proceed with her.
But the thing I guess that worries me is this:
In the long-run, eventually, what would we want to do, household-wise? She has already mentioned before that in the long-run, she and her bf can move back here to my city. My family, Mr. J's family and his career hold us down, so it's not feasible for us to go over there but she and her bf don't have too many ties where they are.
But then, if they do move here, then what?
We would start off initially in different households. Mr. J and I have a small apartment with our kids, so even them just coming to visit, we do not have the space for. They would AirBnB most likely. But if they move here, there are two households.
I know many people successfully have relationships for indefinite amounts of time in separate households. But eventually... wouldn't Dee and I want to live together?
I'm not sure about her. But I know eventually, I would want her under the same household as me. I don't know that I could juggle going back-and-forth between 2 households.
But then of course that leaves to question, what about her bf? He is practically a husband to her, especially now with child, he is permanent for her. So now we'd be merging essentially two complete families.
This doesn't sound easy, I know it won't be. I worry about Mr. J because he is not the type of person that would want to live with another man in the household, even if the man is only platonic to us.
Perhaps in the long run he might change his mind about it, but I don't count on it because Mr. J just has this nature about him.
I suppose we could always get some sort of duplex..
--
It's really just the household situation that worries me. Everything else I'm so happy about honestly... I would love to be a part of new life. Mr J and I have already established not wanting any more children for ourselves, but had before said we were open to other's children. So to be a part of it from the beginning I think would be really beautiful. But at the same time I don't want to get involved into her pregnancy if I can't see it through. So, despite not wanting to, I HAVE to think of end-goal future. That's hard to do when it's such a new relationship.
--
Also, I have not yet told Mr. J. I think I want to understand my initial thoughts on it first. I will tell him later this evening. I already know that he is going to say that this is too much and I should back out. The reason I say this is because he has already said I need to slow things down with her and make sure that I know her well before I get too involved. Welp... here we are.
I know if I really want to pursue this though, he will give me a lecture but he will also back me. He will warn me but support my decision. So I want to really just understand, think, get opinions, get experience stories, get advice.. Anything I can get right now, before bringing it to him and before talking to Dee again.
--
Have any of you experienced something like this and made it work? How do you handle the two-household situation?
I am coming here while I process some information and what has been happening with life and hopefully some different view points and advice if any.
I am in a situation with a woman, Dee. (If she ever gets on this site she will probably instantly know it's me making this post btw, if so.. hi Dee! <3)
So, some of you may have recalled my post where I (and my hubby Mr. J) have come out as poly on social media.. basically to everybody we know, save for our parents.
Right now Mr. J and I have both been actively searching for new partners. Our configuration is, to put it in the best words I can, VV. Rather, he is looking for a girlfriend. I am looking for a (separate) girlfriend. We are open to having the same girlfriend, if that ever were to come up in the event that he has a girlfriend that at some point is interested in a relationship with me, or if I have a girlfriend that is interested in him. We are not open to being involved directly to other men. I hope my configuration explanation that makes sense!
Anyways, after "coming out", Dee comes in.
So Mr. J has a best friend... that Dee used to date. So I met Dee back a few years ago, it was only once. We had a little kind-of double date in our backyard, little bbq thing.
Since then, we were simply friends on Facebook, we never really interacted with each other much or talked, but we were friendly. She ended up eventually splitting from Mr. J's best friend because she was moving back to a different state.
After I posted my polyamory info for the world, she messaged me on Facebook. She told me (first that she's proud I did that) and said that she had always wondered about me but was too shy to talk to me.
And just like that, things took off. Quickly. We started talking and actually getting acquainted with each other for the first time and we simply just hit it off. We have so much in common, her energy is just amazing.. I have never spoken to a woman that has had this energy for me before in over 10 years. Conversation just never ends with us and maybe it's something natural to each of us but we did start flirting pretty quickly too.
Only a week into talking, we already started talking about the potential for her flying out here or me going to her. We are sending each other packages and letters. We are just. idk.
We haven't established anything like "you are my girlfriend" or anything like that yet because it's of course really soon and we haven't met face-to-face in so long. We both kind of are on the same page that we want to meet and see if we actually click in person, the way that we seem to virtually/from far. Then we can establish how we feel we want to proceed with each other and how far.
Mr. J of course knows about everything and is okay with it. It is by his permission and with his full knowledge that I started talking with her and that I've gotten this far. He is okay with us having a relationship, etc.
Dee has a boyfriend over there with her who likewise is aware of everything and already was okay with her being polyamorous.
The thing is...which you can tell by the title...
She has just told me she's pregnant!
I am going to say this: Mr. J and I share two daughters together, ages 2 and 5. So I'm a mother. Mr. J is a father.
So the way that I have always seen it, when thinking about every configuration I would be okay with etc. for my V, I have always told myself that I would not mind being with a woman that has kids. I have kids, there's no rationalizing that I can expect someone to want to involve themselves with me while I have kids but not be open to others the same way.
I have always told myself as well that I am okay with a woman that is involved with a man. Again... I have a husband. Rationally, she should be allowed to have a husband/bf etc if she wants to also.
So now I guess I'm just deep-processing it. I always told myself that I would be okay with all of this and so far, I AM. Which kind of surprised her. She said that she thinks that it's best if she can fly out here with her bf, but she wants to do it soon because she doesn't want to get too big before she comes, part because of the baby's safety of course and part because she will be shy about her appearance. (which I also won't mind, I've had feelings for pregnant women before.)
She has now taken herself away for the day to give me a little space to think about everything.
It is a lot. It's been only about a week and a half of talking with her, she is still pretty much a stranger. But I'm here now wondering if in the long-run I would be okay being involved with a woman that is bringing new life into the world.
I think about it and in every way, I am finding myself to be okay with her and still want to proceed with her.
But the thing I guess that worries me is this:
In the long-run, eventually, what would we want to do, household-wise? She has already mentioned before that in the long-run, she and her bf can move back here to my city. My family, Mr. J's family and his career hold us down, so it's not feasible for us to go over there but she and her bf don't have too many ties where they are.
But then, if they do move here, then what?
We would start off initially in different households. Mr. J and I have a small apartment with our kids, so even them just coming to visit, we do not have the space for. They would AirBnB most likely. But if they move here, there are two households.
I know many people successfully have relationships for indefinite amounts of time in separate households. But eventually... wouldn't Dee and I want to live together?
I'm not sure about her. But I know eventually, I would want her under the same household as me. I don't know that I could juggle going back-and-forth between 2 households.
But then of course that leaves to question, what about her bf? He is practically a husband to her, especially now with child, he is permanent for her. So now we'd be merging essentially two complete families.
This doesn't sound easy, I know it won't be. I worry about Mr. J because he is not the type of person that would want to live with another man in the household, even if the man is only platonic to us.
Perhaps in the long run he might change his mind about it, but I don't count on it because Mr. J just has this nature about him.
I suppose we could always get some sort of duplex..
--
It's really just the household situation that worries me. Everything else I'm so happy about honestly... I would love to be a part of new life. Mr J and I have already established not wanting any more children for ourselves, but had before said we were open to other's children. So to be a part of it from the beginning I think would be really beautiful. But at the same time I don't want to get involved into her pregnancy if I can't see it through. So, despite not wanting to, I HAVE to think of end-goal future. That's hard to do when it's such a new relationship.
--
Also, I have not yet told Mr. J. I think I want to understand my initial thoughts on it first. I will tell him later this evening. I already know that he is going to say that this is too much and I should back out. The reason I say this is because he has already said I need to slow things down with her and make sure that I know her well before I get too involved. Welp... here we are.
I know if I really want to pursue this though, he will give me a lecture but he will also back me. He will warn me but support my decision. So I want to really just understand, think, get opinions, get experience stories, get advice.. Anything I can get right now, before bringing it to him and before talking to Dee again.
--
Have any of you experienced something like this and made it work? How do you handle the two-household situation?