new struggle with old flame

[wakenbakeOvO]

My personal search for someone goes with great slowness. It is not that I need to meet anyone right away. I am just picky about what I want. All great things take time. I have started talking to one of my ex's. I am not sure where this one stands though because she is happily married to someone. To further complicate matters. We were dating during her one and only separation with her now husband. I am comfortable with a platonic relationship with her and she does not know that I am poly. I just need to have the talk with her about my relationship. I have been hesitating on telling her for several reasons. I do not want to put pressure on her to define something she may not even be sure about. Nor do I want the platonic relationship to end. With all that being said I am not against the idea of something more than friendship with her. I don't want her to cheat on her husband or lie to him about me. That feels very wrong. I want to do the right thing. For all parties involved. I feel as if this is what she has been doing thus far. In a perfect world she could just talk to her husband and get the okay. But that really just doesn't happen. I also highly doubt they are closet poly.

What I really want to do is sit down with her in person over coffee and explain all of this. Buuut she has three jobs, a husband, and two kids. How can I ask her to put me on her schedule when she has so much going on. Plus if her husband doesn't know yet wouldn't that further complicate things?

With all that being said. My first instinct is to say that I am overthinking all of this and to take it one day at a time. Let things progress naturally and deal with the consequences as they present themselves. On my end I have been 100% open and honest with Bunny about all of this. I am left with a hot mx of emotions about all of this. Bunny is not exactly on board with this relationship. Which makes me hesitate even more.

Any thoughts or details needed for advice let me know

 

[kdt26417]

Hi wakenbake,

I think that while you are okay with a platonic relationship with your ex, in your subconscious you would probably very much like a romantic relationship with her. There are many external obstacles to such a relationship, but my advice to you is to focus on the internal obstacles, the things you can control. You can ask her out for coffee. That is something you can control. She can say yes or no to coffee. That is something she can control. If she says yes, you can tell her, during coffee, that you are exploring polyamory. That is something you can control. Then she gets to choose her response, that is something she can control. If she responds positively, you can confess that you still have feelings for her even though you know she can't act on that. You have to decide if and when you will make that confession to her. I submit that it is okay for you to make that confession, you are just sharing information, you are not making demands.

For the most part, I agree with your statement that you need not overthink all of this, and that it is okay to take it one day at a time. Let things progress naturally and deal with the consequences as they present themselves. This is not to guarantee that there won't be any blowback, nor is it to say that you have nothing to worry about. All things in relationships involve taking a risk. Hopefully a calculated risk, one where you have thought about the possible consequences, and decided that the gamble is worth the possible benefits. You have feelings for this ex. Are those feelings strong enough to warrant risking a confession? You're free, of course, to refrain from telling her you're poly. You're free to refrain from asking her out for coffee. Refraining protects you from a possible consequence (like the ache of her turning you down), but it also keeps you from enjoying a possible benefit.

Personally I think you should ask her out for coffee, and should have that conversion with her, at least the part where you tell her that you are trying poly. But you are the one who would have to live with the possible consequences, so don't think of it so much as me advising you to do that, as much as me just working to help you clarify what your choices are, what the merits are of the various pros and cons, and what you stand to gain or lose depending on what you decide (and on how it all plays out). Sure you could play it safe, but that in and of itself is a kind of gamble. You risk the possibility that maybe your ex *can,* perhaps even *would,* act on your feelings for her, if she knew about them, and you could be denying yourself and her that opportunity. That's why my vote is, tell her ... or at least start the conversation with her.

Just some thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[breathemusic]

If I'm understanding you correctly, you've indicated that this ex either has, or would potentially cheat on her husband and have outside relationships.

You're not sure if she's monogamous or what kind of agreements she has with her husband, so I'd just ask her at some point. If her response is that they agreed to be monogamous then I wouldn't even tell her that you're interested in a relationship with her, because what would be the point? It would just invite an incentive for her to cheat, which isn't ok. If she says they are, or are supposed to be monogamous, then you're better off figuring out what you need to do to move on emotionally from her, or figure out if you can be comfortable having feelings for her and never acting on them.

 

[Magdlyn]

If I'm understanding you correctly, you've indicated that this ex either has, or would potentially cheat on her husband and have outside relationships.

You're not sure if she's monogamous or what kind of agreements she has with her husband, so I'd just ask her at some point. If her response is that they agreed to be monogamous then I wouldn't even tell her that you're interested in a relationship with her, because what would be the point? It would just invite an incentive for her to cheat, which isn't ok. If she says they are, or are supposed to be monogamous, then you're better off figuring out what you need to do to move on emotionally from her, or figure out if you can be comfortable having feelings for her and never acting on them.

It might invite her to cheat, or it might invite her to tell her hubby, hey, I went out for coffee with my ex, and he told me he is still attracted to me and asked me if I was interested in resuming a sexual relationship.

At which point, most (not all) men would say, I don't want you to go have coffee with this ex ever again! You're a married woman! What is that creep thinking? I think I'll go punch him in the nose.

Plus, you mentioned in your Intro, your ex gf is extremely busy with 3 jobs, etc. She has no time for polyamory, IMO.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? Here's my opinion.

I am comfortable with a platonic relationship with her and she does not know that I am poly. I just need to have the talk with her about my relationship.

Then be friends only. And when you are ready to tell her that you and Bunny practice poly, tell her. But NOT that you want to date HER, the ex.

What I really want to do is sit down with her in person over coffee and explain all of this. Buuut she has three jobs, a husband, and two kids. How can I ask her to put me on her schedule when she has so much going on. Plus if her husband doesn't know yet wouldn't that further complicate things?

She doesn't sound like she actually has time for poly even if she wanted to. Her plate is already way full.

So skip telling her you have a crush on her and would be up for dating her. Esp since you know she's married but are not sure if they are Open Marriage or what. Just cuz you crush on her again doesn't mean she crushes on you still or even has space to pursue it.

Telling her about yourself in general and that you are poly now with Bunny? That's one thing.

Viewing her a potential dating partner? That's another thing, and premature to boot.

I do not want to put pressure on her to define something she may not even be sure about.Nor do I want the platonic relationship to end.

Because of that.

On my end I have been 100% open and honest with Bunny about all of this. I am left with a hot mx of emotions about all of this. Bunny is not exactly on board with this relationship. Which makes me hesitate even more.

And because your other partner Bunny is not on board with you pursuing an ex who is super busy and from the sound of it, practicing Closed marriage.

So basically it is a non-starter. Don't over think it.

Stick with keeping it "friends only" with your ex.

If hanging around extra with her lately is stirring up old feelings and that is making it hard to not pine away with crush stuff?

Dial back how often you hang out with her until you regain your composure/bearings and get past the crush stuff.

Just cuz you feel an attraction to someone doesn't mean you have to act on it or pursue it.

Galagirl