New to a Poly V

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OwnedSoul

New member
Hello all,

I didn't actively pursue polyamory. It was more of a stumble into it as I explored my sexual interests and kinks. I was looking for experiences and was happy to explore multiple casual, open relationships—and if something more developed along the way, then great.

Then I met a man already in a live-in, open/swing relationship with another woman. It didn't take long before he and I were falling in love. I can now confidently describe our relationship as poly V, and I'm navigating a whole new world, rife with anxieties and unknowns.

I have found I'm surprisingly comfortable with our setup and quite like when we three spend time together. I have read a few books on polyamory which were very helpful. I feel confident and happy with the path I'm on, but there are still some things that I get hung up on that I'm hoping this forum can help me with.

Specifically, I'm looking for advice on how to discuss/introduce my relationship with/to family and friends. I have come out to two friends, but not yet to my family. Because I live alone and my BF and Meta live together, I don't have the benefit of presenting a "normal" monogamous relationship to the world like they do. The world sees them as the couple. I'm the third.

There are other things I'm looking to discuss here, including how I relate to my Meta and issues that may arise there. I worry a bit about losing my autonomy in this relationship, more so than I would in a monogamous relationship. There is so much I want and am excited for, and yet terrified of what often seems like silly things in my head.

Looking forward to exploring the boards and getting to know the group.

Thanks!
 
Welcome to the forums.

I'm curious what you mean about autonomy. For me, it's monogamy that kills autonomy.

As for friends and family, there are several threads on that subject. Personally, I don't "come out". I just live my life. I answer questions if people notice. I don't have any radically mono friends. I don't live to please my family.
 
Thanks for the welcome @vinsanity0.

My meta tends to speak in the "Us vs You" realm. I guess I'm afraid of being absorbed into their "Us" and losing myself. When I think about the possibility of cohabitation down the line (which I think is likely where we are headed eventually) this concerns me more. But my fears are likely premature. This is all still pretty new.

I admire your ability to just not care who thinks what about the way you live your life. I feel that way in my head. But in practice, it's more complicated. I'm super close with my family and I fear in their lack of understanding they will think he's taking advantage of me and that I'm not 'respecting' myself. I can handle them thinking I'm weird (I've always marched to the beat of my own drum), but I don't want them to dislike him because of this. I guess I just want them to like him and accept us. It means a lot to me. I would be devastated if they disapproved or hated him.
 
I'm super close with my family and I fear in their lack of understanding they will think he's taking advantage of me and that I'm not 'respecting' myself. I can handle them thinking I'm weird (I've always marched to the beat of my own drum), but I don't want them to dislike him because of this. I guess I just want them to like him and accept us. It means a lot to me. I would be devastated if they disapproved or hated him.
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I don't think that you can do anything about that part in bold.

  • You don't control who they like or not. They do.
  • You don't control who they accept or not. They do.
  • You don't control who they approve or not. They do.

Just as they do not control who you choose to date, who you like, who you accept and approve of, etc.

All you can do is keep on living your life. And make peace with the fact that people can think whatever it is they think.

My mom's best friend has been "second wife" for more than 50 years in their V thing. My Dad still doesn't like it/accept it. My mom and her friend talk all the time. So basically it is on my Dad to deal with himself and his stuff. He doesn't HAVE to like her. My mom still goes on with her life anyway and keeps up with her friend. Mom doesn't make Dad hang out with her, and he manages to say hello in passing politely. Then he goes off to do his stuff somewhere else. Which is "ok enough" to all of them.

I think you could introduce your partner and be prepared to just let the chips fall where they may.

As you say, the family is used to you marching to the beat of your own drum. After the initial "OMG!" some may calm down and just chalk it up to another one of your "things" and find ways to be "ok enough."

I'm super close with my family
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Do you part of the deal. Share about yourself.

Expect them to do their part of that deal. Treat your other people with basic polite. See what happens.

Galagirl
 
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Greetings OwnedSoul,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There is a really good video on coming out, you can find it at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ-8ocmtb_8

Personally, I think your best bet is to put it really short and simple. Something like, "I should let you know, I'm in a nonmonogamous relationship." Then just be open to answer questions if the other person has any. Generally, if you don't make a big deal of it, others won't make a big deal of it. Those who will, probably would no matter how you worded things.

As for your worries about your autonomy, I think that is something to talk about with your boyfriend and meta. If they know it is a concern for you, they will be more aware of it, reassure you, and take appropriate steps to help you keep your autonomy. I, like you, am in a V and I live with my two V companions. And I feel perfectly in possession of my autonomous self. So I know it's possible. Just talk to your companions, and request their assistance.

As for how you relate to your meta, if you are probably going to live with them eventually, you are probably going to have a kitchen table poly setup. If that is the case, then you might want to foster a friendship with your meta, like maybe you and your meta could go out just the two of you and do some fun/light things together. It's the little things that add up.

Let us know of any other questions you may have.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you, @kdt26417, for the thoughtful reply and greeting.

We have naturally gravitated toward the "kitchen table" poly V already. It's become a regular habit for we three to grocery shop together and spend time curled up on the couch watching movies. My meta and I are spending time together alone once in a while as well. I admit she's not necessarily someone I would have likely befriended had it not been for our mutual BF. We are just different people from different walks of life. She's a nice person, though, so I'm working on getting to know her and I think we are forming a friendship.

I am a bit daunted by all the threads on the forum. I have perused some of the topics that interest me and there is just so much there and the discussions do go in varied directions. But I will persist through. It is nice to have a resource and people to talk to.

All the best,
OwnedSoul
 
Sounds like you are already well on your way to relating with your meta. Sometimes we get to know people that maybe we wouldn't under other circumstances.

I think it's awesome that you are exploring the various other threads on the forum. Take advantage of the tag feature; let me know if you need any tips on using the search function. The site has been around for over ten years by now, so it does have a lot of threads. Keep exploring; your comfort level will gradually increase. And anytime you need, you can come back here and post questions on this thread.
 
OwnedSoul said:
Thanks for the welcome @vinsanity0.

My meta tends to speak in the "Us vs You" realm. I guess I'm afraid of being absorbed into their "Us" and losing myself. When I think about the possibility of cohabitation down the line (which I think is likely where we are headed eventually) this concerns me more. But my fears are likely premature. This is all still pretty new.
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That's not an unreasonable fear, especially if this is going to be a polyfi situation. If they are going to behave as a unit you will always be outvoted. Definitely something to watch out for.
I admire your ability to just not care who thinks what about the way you live your life. I feel that way in my head. But in practice, it's more complicated. I'm super close with my family and I fear in their lack of understanding they will think he's taking advantage of me and that I'm not 'respecting' myself. I can handle them thinking I'm weird (I've always marched to the beat of my own drum), but I don't want them to dislike him because of this. I guess I just want them to like him and accept us. It means a lot to me. I would be devastated if they disapproved or hated him.
Click to expand...

It's probably easier for me because I'm a male. When it came up I had a girlfriend other than my wife, my mom just assumed my wife and I broke up. It was frustrating, but that was her only frame of reference.
 
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