New to all of this.

[HootOwl]

Hello,

Bear with me here.

I am a straight 42-yr old female who has always been in very monogamous relationships. Two marriages. Two divorces. One ten year-long relationship that was very positive and simply ended when due nearly two years ago.

I have come to know a man and we've began dating. I “felt” he was fluid when meeting, in possibly multiple ways.

The "I love you's" happened first, before he told me he was bisexual, which I was fine with, since I'd already figured. However, it was weeks after that, that he finally admitted he had a wife and “cohabitated with her." He actually stated he cohabited with the mother of his youngest child and basically it was a financial situation. However, they share a bed. However, he stated no sex since we had begun.

I had to ask if they were married. I had to ask if this had been an affair or if it was an open situation. He stated, yes, married. He stated they were in an open marriage.

He stated he’d be willing to open us up to threesomes, as long as he were involved.

We discussed that I wasn’t 100% sure I would be “settling down" with him and might date and be with other people.

Sex with us has been unprotected, but were both tested. However, in the future and going forward we discussed being smart and safe, however, no exact guidelines for this, or any of it.

I stated clearly my own past and knowledge and sexuality and that I wasn’t put off by this, but that I was apprehensive since he had never told me he was married, etc.

He moved for us to be in a relationship. I didn’t disagree but have questions. However, I am not yet sure how to even form these questions, or what I should be asking.

At this moment I am in contemplating mode.
What should I know?
What should I be asking?
What are the boundaries and rules? (He stated he hates boundaries and rules, but that's not truly realistic.)
In both poly, open relationship, and open relationship with a bi-sexual male? All of that and whatever I’ve missed. Lol

Also, how can I truly be sure and approach that he isn’t just lying and having an affair? Fair for me to wonder since he’s handled it as he has already.

I do know his first wife is poly and bi.

Where do I even start? I am open to this at this time in my life, because much of it fits me, as he also does. I personally don’t have a conventional lifestyle by any means. No kids involved on my side. He has kids with the first, and the one who lives with him, and is a super-responsible father.

So I am not just saying, “This isn’t for me,” by any means, but I want a clue and have already been left in the dark for some time.

(He has a second apartment from his home where we go, since my home had allergy reasons and he lives a bit farther.)

Thanks all!

 

[Bobbi]

it was weeks after that that he finally admitted he had a wife

Big red flag! He lied to you about his situation, so he cannot be trusted. A poly person doesn't lie about being poly, they say it up front. You thought you had a monogamous relationship but you didn't. It's been poly without your consent this entire time.

He actually stated he cohabited with the mother of his youngest child and basically it was a financial situation. However, they share a bed. However, he stated no sex since we began.

Well, he hid poly from you, so you have no reason to believe what he says now.

I had to ask if they were married. I had to ask if this had been an affair or was it an open situation. He stated, yes, married. He stated they were in an open marriage.

You had to ASK!? So he didn't even tell you on his own? This is also called lying... lying by omission is deception. Know that he's not going to tell you anything you don't specifically ask in the future. Have you asked him if he has other girlfriends too? Does he do ONS? Is he on dating apps? The things he could be hiding are endless! I wouldn't believe a word he says because what he doesn't say speaks volumes to his character.

We discussed that I wasn’t 100% sure I would be “settling down" with him, and might date and be with other people.

Good! This should be a given. If you choose to overlook that, know you can't trust him if you choose to stay in this relationship.

However, in the future and going forward we discussed being smart and safe, but not exact guidelines for this, or any of it.

Smart. You need to lock down that conversation though, and get specific. I wouldn't go without condoms with him. He likes to withhold info from you and circumvent consent too. I'd always use a condom with him.

I stated clearly my own past and knowledge and sexuality and that I wasn’t put off by this, but that I was apprehensive, since he had never told me he was married, etc.

Being open to poly isn't the problem... the fact that he is a liar and took away consent in so many avenues for you is. Violations of consent ARE violations!

What should I know?

You already know that he won't tell you unless you ask, you cannot trust him and he violates you without thinking twice about it.

What should I be asking?

In this case, too many things to think of, since he won't volunteer anything pertinent to you

What are the boundaries and rules? (He stated that he hates boundaries and rules, but that's not truly realistic.)

He hates them because he can't do them. He's proven that! Create boundaries for yourself, like using condoms with him. Decide what dealbreakers you have, enforce them and end the relationship if he crosses them. Skip rules, because he won't honor them.

In both poly, open relationship, and open relationship with a bi-sexual male?

Although sexuality doesn't really matter, I would get on PREP because condoms aren't 100% effective.

… how can I truly be sure and approach that he isn’t just lying and having an affair? Fair for me to wonder since he’s handled it as he has already.

I would seek out the wife on my own, if possible, on social media or however you can, and find out the truth. A PI can get you what you need, or even good internet searches. Don't rely on him to be honest, help you or put you in touch with her. Honestly, if you need to do this, then the relationship isn't one you should keep, imo.

He has a second apartment from his home where we go, since my home had allergy reasons and he lives a bit farther.)

Convenient that you don't know where he really lives. This is all so sketchy. How many other women does he take to this second place? You said he moved closer to be with you? That means he is renting this place. You really should ask yourself why. Nobody has a second apartment AND hides their marriage unless they are a cheater. I wouldn't believe anything he says at this point. He figures he has you hooked so can now be honest, just because you asked. This is cheater mentality. You aren't a partner, you are a mistress. Sorry.

I know your questions were more about poly, but poly is really not the thing you should be focusing on here.

It does sound like poly is an option for you, and I encourage you to read through our resources sticky to see all the books and podcasts to learn if poly is for you. Read this site and ask more questions. This guy might not be worth it, but maybe you'll want to be poly with someone else. It never hurts to learn!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello HootOwl,

It is hard to be sure that he isn't just lying and having an affair. You could talk to the woman who claims to be his nesting partner, but even then you don't know that the woman isn't just a friend that is helping him spin his web of lies. I think ultimately, it comes down to whether you can trust *him.*

Then you have to decide whether open/poly is for you. It sounds like it might be, you just have to be able to find partners you can trust, who will do open/poly with you in the right way. I can't tell whether this man you're seeing is one of those partners. Trust but verify. Find out what he has in terms of partners and kids.

Be very careful here, take care of yourself.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Since it sounds like you don't know what questions to ask about open relationships, and aren't stating your own specific boundaries, he might be seeing you as naive and trying to take advantage of your ignorance.

I'm never in favor of seeking a poly partner's nesting partner out to involve them in something that doesn't concern them, i.e., the specifics of their relationship with someone else. I think that would be futile.

I'd dump this guy immediately since he wasn't upfront about being in an open relationship from the very first date or conversation. I also don't believe that he's sleeping with his present partner and not having sex, yet somehow be interested in having a sex threesome with her and you.
That makes no sense.

I agree that the convenient rendezvous apartment makes this sound like he has a habit of having secret mistresses. Personally, I don't date cheaters (although some would rather date a cheater rather than a polyamorous man, since it's a long-time familiar and rather accepted form of relationship in our supposedly monogamous culture).