New to it all & a bit long winded ^_^

[Dev]

Hello!
Dev here! I'm married with a son and have been with my husband for about 8 years. Earlier this year I 'accidently' fell in love with another man as well (I'll call him Newb). Once I realized my feelings for Newb, I had multiple conversations with my husband along the way about what was happening and how I felt...it was not easy. My husband is very loving and accepting, he said I couldn't control who I loved but I could control who I have sex with. Well, I guess I was a little relentless because I ended up feeling like a caged bird and let him know that. Eventually, he gave me 'permission' to explore who I am and to do what I want. Once I felt back in control of my decisions, I kind of took a step back. I am still seeing Newb and it's been about 4-5 months and we still haven't had sex, just other fun stuff.
Just last night I realized that even though I got permission from my husband I have put myself in my own cage- freaking out about not knowing how badly this could hurt my husband, how others may react (not something i've cared about for years!!) and how lonely I feel in the idea of being able to fully love more than one person.
Before this, I didn't even know the word polyamory nor did I have any interest in other men.

Basically, I am here to talk to other that have successfully made this transition and to get encouragement on exploring this new Self. I am a very spiritual person (not at all religious) and Love is my only belief system- it feels wrong to feel guilty about being in love and wanting to express it but hurting my husband doesn't feel good either!

TLDR: I'm in a marriage with a man who likes monogamy but is allowing me to explore polyamory with a new love of mine. Looking for like-minded folks to chat with for encouragement.

Thanks for taking your time to read this!
Much Love.
Dev

 

[Magdlyn]

Welcome to your new world, Dev.

One thing stands out as needing clarification. Rethink your husband "permitting" or "allowing" you to love and/or fuck others.

You are not his possession. Another way to put it is, does he feel comfortable being married to a polyamorous wife? Is he on board? Does he give his blessing? You are your own person, and so is he. If he is willing to stay in partnership with you while you explore your new guy, great.

Is there a deadline about when you will choose to have sex with new guy? Work on guidelines with your husband, not rules. Renegotiate at set intervals you agree on. How long is your new guy willing to wait to have sex? Can you do sexual things short of intercourse?

Many couples new to poly do take baby steps before they feel comfortable with their partner having intercourse. Once couples are more experienced, they tend to let other relationships take a natural course towards desired sexual behaviors.

 

[Dev]

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply!

I understand what you are saying about permission. That's just how it felt at the time. He has had that he wants me in his life forever and he prefers adapting to a new lifestyle (like me being poly) than losing me... still that doesn't seem like the best reason but I guess I can't expect him to have this bomb dropped on him AND be all happy about it to.. He says he never wants to be the one to hold be back because I only get more awesome with age.

I think you are totally right about guidelines.. I need to ask those questions. Just last night I was with Newb and for the first time my husband got really uncomfortable while I was gone wondering what I was doing. He asked me if we messed around and I said yes and that was that but I know he isn't feeling good about it. I didn't have sex but he didn't ask me either or for specifics so i just left it at that for now. ugh.

So beyond those questions you listened... Is there anything else I can do to help my husband? He still is comfortable enough to have sex with me when I get home.. is that a good sign? I feel like a damn child in this situation. I really don't know how to handle it best but I know I want to follow my heart and explore this. I know it hurts my husband too and that sucks! What a situation..

Thanks again Magdlyn

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Dev,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think taking it slow is the most important thing to do here. Not stopping, but going slow. Also communication is really important. It is important for you to communicate productively, both with your husband and with Newb.

How does Newb feel about everything so far? Obviously your husband is having some struggles, but Newb's feelings are important too.

If you'll continue to post about your situation, I'm hopeful that we can help, a little at a time.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply!

I understand what you are saying about permission. That's just how it felt at the time. He has had that he wants me in his life forever and he prefers adapting to a new lifestyle (like me being poly) than losing me... still that doesn't seem like the best reason but I guess I can't expect him to have this bomb dropped on him AND be all happy about it to.. He says he never wants to be the one to hold be back because I only get more awesome with age.

That sounds really great. It feels so good when a partner is confident in your ability to continue to be fantastic partner to them while also loving another.

I think you are totally right about guidelines.. I need to ask those questions. Just last night I was with Newb and for the first time my husband got really uncomfortable while I was gone wondering what I was doing. He asked me if we messed around and I said yes and that was that but I know he isn't feeling good about it. I didn't have sex but he didn't ask me either or for specifics so i just left it at that for now. ugh.

I wonder why he got more uncomfortable this time? Any idea? Did you ask him? What do you mean by messing around? Some partners do give a more specific description of what they did sexually with another lover, some don't. It is up to you and Newb what you tell your h. Have you discussed with Newb how much he information about that he is willing to have shared with your h? All the men I have dated since I started practicing poly have never minded me sharing full details. But others are different.

It is recommended you be a good "hinge," and balance the needs of both your men. Rather than have you h start to wonder how he "compares" to Newb, ask him what needs he has, sexually, emotionally, time spent, etc, and try to meet his needs. If he becomes depressed, as some men do, partly it is his own responsibility, but you can help by not overdoing things with Newb to the point your h feels he has lost something.

Many people whose partners have just started dating, feel competitive and sure they will lose the poly partner. Men, especially, fear the other man will have a bigger dick, more sexual skills, more stamina, as well as a better job and car and more hair, and be more handsome and fit. So try and make sure your h knows how hot you think he is, and great in all ways. Mere words won't do, you have to show it, with time spent and actions.

So beyond those questions you listened... Is there anything else I can do to help my husband? He still is comfortable enough to have sex with me when I get home.. is that a good sign? I feel like a damn child in this situation. I really don't know how to handle it best but I know I want to follow my heart and explore this. I know it hurts my husband too and that sucks! What a situation..

Thanks again Magdlyn

Just talk to him, and really listen to him. Ask him what he specifically needs to feel more comfortable and safe. Make sure you aren't so caught up with your new and shiny guy, texting constantly, gushing to your h about how great Newb is, staying out later than you promise to be home, wanting more and more dates, and overnights. Try and be rational and put yourself in your h's shoes. If your h is comfortable and confident of your love, what body part is going where shouldn't matter so much.