New to Poly after 20 years in marriage

M

MLER17

New member
Hi. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We have made friends in the last few years that are in poly relationships. I've never considered it before and thought it was weird and "impossible" to love 2 people in that way. My husband brought up the idea and I shut it down. About 2 months later I decided (completely unrelated) to reach out to an ex. We started talking and I thought maybe this poly thing could work. I realized I had feelings for 2 men and it didn't change the way I felt towards my husband one bit. I started comparing it to having children. Whether I have 1 or 10 they all get equal love. Why is it "impossible" to feel that way in a romantic setting. I wouldn't say I'm in love with my ex but I do care a great deal for him and would like to spend some time with him. I confessed my feelings to my husband and we decided to give poly a try. He already had a friend in mind in case I ever accepted and we have started the process. His friend has been in poly relationships before, mine (I believe) has never heard of it.

Coming to this conclusion was very emotional. There were a lot of tears, a lot of laughs, a lot of confessions, a lot of reassurances. A lot of pain. But we got through it and we both appeared to be happy and ready to move forward with this.

Then something happened... I was "too excited" "too all in" and (according to DH) ready to jump into bed. The reality was; it was new and exciting and fun to think about hanging out with someone I haven't seen since I was 18 (over 20 years ago). My friend also is terminally ill and so I worry a great deal about him. This has caused me to be less than considerate to my husband because I am in contact with my friend quite often making sure he is OK. My husband does understand, to a point, but feels I have made him secondary in doing so. Of course he refuses to accept that and it is not my intention. My husband will always be #1 and will always be my primary.

My friend is in another state and so I will be traveling to see him for the first time. I did not invite my husband because it is our first time seeing each other in 20+ years and that felt awkward. I wanted our first meet up to be just the 2 of us and see if there is even anything there. I don't plan on having sex with him just hanging out over the weekend getting reacquainted. Unfortunately, this is not the impression I gave my husband. Now he is hurt and upset and I don't know how to fix it.

I don't feel comfortable reaching out to real life friends as I don't want to end up spilling our secrets or making things uncomfortable for my husband so I am trying to remain pretty much anonymous with this, at least for now.

I guess the point of this post, besides introduction, is to seek out advice as to how to make my husband feel better after all of the hurt I have caused. Do I keep pushing him to talk about it when we've said all there really is to say? Do I say nothing and hope he feels better soon? I'm meeting my friend this weekend and my husband will be left home alone (but is making plans). Obviously I don't want to hurt my husband, but I do want to explore the other relationship which could be nothing more than a friendship. I just don' t know. I will be explaining poly to my friend but I myself know very little about it and have to learn all I can in a few days time. I realize I am rushing into it but with a terminal illness as a factor I feel a sense of urgency.

I think my husband may be regretting this coming up as he keeps saying "it's too late (to change our minds)". Of course it's not but it may result in other people being hurt and he doesn't want to do that. I hurt this ex a long time ago and I stated (perhaps too strongly) that I will not hurt him again. But I also think he would understand if we were just friends going forward.

I'm confused. My husband is hurt. I have nobody to talk to. I don't know where to go from here.
 
Hi MLER17.
I def have some similarities to ur situation. Married 20years, my initials are DH like ur husbands..lol and me and the wife opened up the marriage 6 months ago. She met someone who sparked her and thought i would agree to opening up for a while, not permanently. She was correct that i was curious to explore and i agreed.
The biggest issue that came up was, she had someone and i didnt and i had trouble finding someone. One of the reasons was because she thought i approached relationships too casually..and would make me feel guilty about getting involved. I became embittered, jealous and had a major awakening internally.
I'd like to say that there's always something more to talk about and that you can always say no. I guess that relates more to ur husband, but its curious he' s the one getting jealous when it was his suggestion to open up.
It is very exciting in the beginning and seems anything is possible...hurt changes things tho and you must constantly talk it out and stay honest with each other. Doesnt sound like u did anything wrong.
Hope this helps and if you'd like to talk further, let me know.
 
Greetings MLER17,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

As you said you needed to learn as much as you can about poly over the next few days, I recommend reading Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ. It is an easy read, and answers a lot of basic questions. Meantime you can continue to post here with your thoughts, questions, and concerns. We'll do our best to answer.

As far as your husband goes, I kind of think two things. One is that his hurt will probably linger for awhile but then fade. So don't try too hard to find the magic words that will make him feel better. He has to sort things out on his own, to a certain extent. But two is that he still needs your thoughts and reassurance, so I do recommend you continue to talk with him sometimes, even if it seems like there's nothing new to say. Don't burn him out on talking, but do keep talking from time to time. That's my advice, hopefully it is of some help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi MLER,

Welcome to the forums. I'm relatively new myself but have found this website to be very authentic in their stories. Most of what I read elsewhere on the internet tend to be more one-sided about poly, especially the media articles. Ugh.

If you and your partner are totally new to non monogamy, may I suggest slowing down on the emotional aspect of it? Your partner seems to be very upset and my guess is that it's not so much the sex part he's upset about, but rather the emotional part. I could be wrong. Morethantwo was recommended above and is an excellent resource online, though I'd be more cautious with the book as it is somewhat skeptical of hierarchy in polyamory, and you have stated you want a hierarchical (primary/secondary) approach to your poly. If you're new to non monogamy, there are other styles of non monogamy other than poly out there. Consider the book "opening up" by Tristan Taornimo or if that's too much hassle, a free online resource like this.

Whilst I can certainly understand the excitement of a new flame and the opportunity to date again after 20 years of monogamy, my own intro to polyamory felt really harsh. My wife was too excited about her new beau and I felt she forced me to move through my emotions too fast. In contrast to my example of how to do it wrong, here are many examples of previously monogamous couples successfully transitioning to polyamory, with success defind as "at least for a few years". Few make it past the 5 year mark. Polyamory seems to have a way of destroying unhealthy relationships. The link above will show many examples of couples going from monogamy to casual sex to polyamory, but only 1 or 2 that did the transition from monogamy straight to polyamory without imploding. Hence my earlier advice to consider the book "opening up" to broaden your options and to slow down. Polyamory can be rough on couples who have been dependent on each other emotionally for a long time.

I have been thinking hard on what makes a smooth transition from monogamy to polyamory. More and more I find myself thinking it has less to do with polyamory and more to do with being able to relationship properly. I mean, if you struggle with 1 relationship, how can you juggle twice as many with half as much time? I'm still new to this and my thoughts on the subject always seem to be changing, but I recently posted a relationships vulnerability quiz and relationship repair after a fight quiz that I wonder if you and your husband might benefit from taking? I'd be interested in the results if you're willing to share.

Finally, as you start to fall in love again for the first time in 20 years, you and your husband may find it useful to distinguish "falling in love" from "growing in love." I certainly wish my wife and I had thought of the difference before going into poly. The poly resources we read tended to treat new love and old love as the same thing - love - whereas I feel now that it's 2 different emotions, with 2 different chemicals in the body and stem from 2 different needs. I feel that old love and new love are like apples and oranges and cannot be compared.

Didn't mean for it to be a lecture. Just hoping some of it helps.

Kind thoughts,
Shaya.
 
Welcome to the board.

I suggest you consider slowing it down.

I just don' t know. I will be explaining poly to my friend but I myself know very little about it and have to learn all I can in a few days time.
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You could postpone the trip and take more time so you go in better prepared instead. Rather than rushing in all wonky.

As well as preparing yourself if friend says "No, thanks. Not for me. I've got enough going on with terminal illness than to tack on something like that."

I realize I am rushing into it
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Then STOP rushing.

but with a terminal illness as a factor I feel a sense of urgency
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So? There is nothing actually urgent here.

If friend is dying this weekend? Then you are dumping a load in their lap they don't need. They have other things to attend to. Dealing with your anxiety/urgency is not their problem.

If friend is not dying next weekend or even next month? Why are you stressing yourself out doing this trip wonky rather than stopping to plan it out better?

Cancel this weekend's trip. Do a friend phone call this weekend/Skype. Attend to your problems at home. Then reschedule and go visit in person some other upcoming weekend when you are actually free and able to go with peace of mind. Rather than going now with confusion and upset on your mind.

It's a bummer to have a terminal dx. But when you step back from that what do you have here with the ex/friend? Nothing. Just an ex/friend at this time. There's no actual fire. So why are you making your whole life crazy over that?

My friend is in another state and so I will be traveling to see him for the first time. I did not invite my husband because it is our first time seeing each other in 20+ years and that felt awkward. I wanted our first meet up to be just the 2 of us and see if there is even anything there. I don't plan on having sex with him just hanging out over the weekend getting reacquainted. Unfortunately, this is not the impression I gave my husband. Now he is hurt and upset and I don't know how to fix it.
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That sounds like you avoided communicating your intentions and he jumped to conclusions. Call it lesson learned and pause to apologize, and get clearer on your communication so moving forward from this point on? This pitfall can be avoided in future.

I will be explaining poly to my friend but I myself know very little about it and have to learn all I can in a few days time.
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No you don't. You do not HAVE to. Why are you piling stress on your self? Could reschedule for later so you can go into it more prepared, rather than rushing.

You could also say "I'm new to poly. I know very little. I'd be interested in exploring that with you if you are up for it."

  • How is this rushing behavior benefitting you when you end up upset and confused as a result? If you slow down, you can proceed with more information and less upset.

  • How is this rushing behavior helping your husband? From his POV, he's upset and regretting things and anxious. He doesn't know you as a hinge person. If he's got to take a leap of faith and trust that you aren't going to be a sloppy hinge? Then you go about things all wacky? You are going to be hard to trust. Is that what you want?

  • Your friend is going to die eventually. Trying to cram a load of stuff on to a terminal patient's plate just because YOU feel anxious/urgency? How's that being kind to the patient during the last bit of their time? Are you trying to make their last window of time super stressful? Isn't taking it slower with them kinder? :confused:

I think my husband may be regretting this coming up as he keeps saying "it's too late (to change our minds)". Of course it's not
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Then change your mind and postpone the trip. It isn't too late.

but it may result in other people being hurt and he doesn't want to do that.
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Not his choice. Your trip. You can cancel it if you want to.

You guys would rather keep going with something both of you seem to see is ill-timed and hurt yourselves doing it because you don't think OTHER people cannot cope with things in Life?

That's silly. Stop making it be bigger than it is.

Cancel trip, apologize to people for the calendar snafu, and plan to reschedule and try again at a later date.

Things in life happen. People get that. Be ok letting other people deal with their emotional management. It's not like people have NEVER had appointments change or cancel before. It's a small bummer, but not the end of the world to reschedule a trip.

You and husband? Pause, regroup, and then try again slower. You don't have to do this like "BOOM! We are OPEN!" and cannon ball into the ocean.

You can take it in stages and walk down the stairs and get used to the water in the shallow end of the pool for a bit first. Use a pool noodle. Paddle around. Later try the deep end. THEN try swimming in the ocean. Why make it harder than it has to be on yourselves as you transition into a new relationship model?

Did you think about taking husband with you? Share the drive/flight up, some hotel time, take in some sights. And just block out a window of time where you go visit the friend on your own and husband goes take in a movie or something. Learning to share you for a few hours might be an easier "shallow end of the pool" thing than sharing you for a whole weekend so early on.

Could view it like a series of small Openings, each one stretching a bit more. So it is easier to take and less anxiety/urgent/ugh feeling.

Could that help?

I hurt this ex a long time ago and I stated (perhaps too strongly) that I will not hurt him again. But I also think he would understand if we were just friends going forward.
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Then just be friends for now, and stop rushing this.

I'm confused. My husband is hurt. I have nobody to talk to. I don't know where to go from here.
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Another reason to put on the brakes. You have not taken the time to build a support system in real life. Internet people can help some, but when the shit hits the fan, they cannot come mow your lawn, walk the dog, or bring you a casserole.

If you get close with this ex/friend and start something and they die... how will you plan to grieve? Will you have other support systems in place by then? Will your rushing have alienated husband and he doesn't want to support you in grief? Is it better not to get involved romantically with this potential and just enjoy sharing some of their final time reconnecting and remembering nostalgia? And just be friends?

I'm not trying to be a wet blanket here. But you are like a kid in a candy store rushing in and tripping up on pitfalls.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Do some more reading, and slow it down. Where is the fire? :confused:

If something is going to start with you and friend, it will still be there next month, and you don't have to approach it so cranked up leaving a wake of confusion and upset behind you.

If nothing is going to come of it, nothing will come of it. You will have created all upset for what? Nothing but headache.

Do you really want to move forward like that? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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MLER17 said:
I think my husband may be regretting this coming up as he keeps saying "it's too late (to change our minds)". Of course it's not but it may result in other people being hurt and he doesn't want to do that. I hurt this ex a long time ago and I stated (perhaps too strongly) that I will not hurt him again. But I also think he would understand if we were just friends going forward.
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I understand precisely where your husband is coming from on this, and I think he is essentially correct: It's too late to change your mind. You have, in all likelihood, broken your marriage and, if you persist, you will break your husband.

The great mistake of polyamory is the notion that individuals can, on their own, renegotiate the terms of social institutions. The truth is that, if a couple tries to to renegotiate the meaning of their wedding vows - including the "forsaking all others" part - they simply render those vows meaningless.

Once that happens, there is no road that does not lead to one tragic choice or another.
 
MLER17, it's as GalaGirl laid out: you ALL need to freakin' SLOW DOWN here. You sound like those crazy drivers who, when they encounter terrible road conditions, speed up so they'll get to their destinations sooner. :(

The fact that your friend has a terminal illness is truly saddening -- I lost three of my small family to cancer in a five-year span. HOWEVER, you are working waaaaay to hard at mixing up HIS needs with YOUR (largely baseless) fantasies.

Can you be there to support him AS A FRIEND? like, leave all the Romantic & sexual nonsense alone? If you cannot, then PLEASE stay the hell home, because you would only be a parasite on his grief, & an active hindrance to his finding some sort of peace as he declines.

If you talk yourself into going anyway & trying to snag this dying man into some sort of whirlwind Relationship, then accept that you're intentionally dragging down his life so that YOU can have closure for some fantasy you've created from decades-old scraps.

The assessment that your marriage is "broken" seems a bit extreme to me. While it's accurate that the two of you cannot easily return to thinking of nonmonogamy as a "someday, maybe" thing -- you've experienced at least the beginnings -- there's still plenty to be done in that regard.

You've changed yourselves. You've created a new couple. It's NOT going to be comfortable trying to cram those people into the old marriage. So, things HAVE to change.

IMNSHO, you two need to commit to properly (& sanely) exploring nonmonogamy rather than fixating on one fantasy object as you've both done
...OR put your metaphorical dicks back in your respective pants, set nonmon aside for a year or so, & work on your dyad, learning from the errors you've BOTH made
...OR give up forever on trying to shoehorn each other into nonmon, something you're not (yet) good at & maybe don't want to get good at
...OR give up on your marriage as just too much work, & go back to being single & probably monogamous with someone else, maybe serially.
 
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Follow up

Well I posted when I was nervous about the situation I was entering. I got some helpful replies and a couple basically admonishing my actions and giving the impression they felt I was selfish.

I went to see my ex this weekend and we had a wonderful visit. My husband went out with the girl he is talking to and they had fun. I reunited with my husband and now we have 4 happy people.

The ex that is terminally ill; he is happy to be with me again. We still love each other. This was not a fantasy or me trying to right wrongs. I went into this because I knew I had feelings and he had said enough to let me know he did as well. We are now back in a relationship and he is happy to have me here to talk to him and give him a break from his problems. We talk several times a day and it makes him feel better. I am someone he can vent to, cry with, walk and talk with and someone to snuggle with when I can go and see him. I am not taking away from his life but rather adding to it. After our visit there is no doubt about that. Yes, I did consider the possibility that it is not fair to do this during this time but his situation is what allows this to be possible. He is not in a relationship because he is sick. He didn't want to start something new with someone new. I fit perfectly into his life just as we are.

I don't expect I will be returning here because for the most part I got the feeling that I was not supported. Maybe I didn't express the depth of our feelings well enough for people to understand. Maybe it doesn't matter. Had I listened to the advice here I would have stayed home and would not be feeling the joy that I am feeling and could not have brought happiness to someone's life in his time of need. I actually think it's kind of sad that it seems people didn't get that there can be true love after all of these years and I was living in a selfish fantasy world. Again, maybe that's my fault. I do appreciate the responses but I think I am better off going with my gut.
 
Hi MLER17,

I am glad that you did the right thing and that things are going well now. You were right to trust your gut, and I suggest you keep doing that in the future. Not that you need my advice, but there it is just in case.

I'm very sorry that your experience on this forum has been less than great. I hope I didn't say anything to make you want to leave. I just want to wish you the best, and if you do decide to come back sometime, I'll be glad to welcome you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Response

kdt26417 said:
Hi MLER17,

I am glad that you did the right thing and that things are going well now. You were right to trust your gut, and I suggest you keep doing that in the future. Not that you need my advice, but there it is just in case.

I'm very sorry that your experience on this forum has been less than great. I hope I didn't say anything to make you want to leave. I just want to wish you the best, and if you do decide to come back sometime, I'll be glad to welcome you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Your response and a few others were good. There were just 2 or 3 that were pretty harsh. I appreciate the advice I did get though.
 
Glad some of it was helpful.
 
Hi Mler,

I'm glad for you and your boyfriend that you've found each other romantically again. I'm sorry if the forums have been less than useful for you. I think it's an unfortunate fact of the internet that different strangers will react to your story in different ways. I often find that we give too much advice based on too small a window that posters paint us in their opening post - a few paragraphs to describe what must undoubtedly be a complicated life. I think we often misunderstand things. Face-to-face would be better but that is unfortunately not the case with the internet. I sometimes feel the advice we give cannot possibly do the reality any justice. None of us are counsellors either so... we don't have the right training.

Still, I think many here were reacting to the speed with which you entered polyamory and were thinking of your husband's comfort in all this. It's hard, because your boyfriend has a terminal illness so speed is important to you and he and you're desperately trying to find a balance between making a dying person happy and keeping your husband feeling secure. On the one hand, you feel your husband should feel secure because there's no way you're going to leave him for a dying person. On the other hand, he may feel insecure regardless because he's 'losing you' emotionally to a dying person.

I can't see this being an easy time for any of you.

I still hope the forums can be useful for you. There are two ways that this can be so. You can click the exclamation mark in the top right corner of our posts to block people whose opinions you don't find useful. If you do this, you won't see anything they write. The other way the forum could be useful is to look up others with similar situations. In this way, the advice you see is what we are giving to others and not advice directly to you. I personally found that easier than to read what others were saying about me.

Best wishes to you and your partners,
Shaya.
 
I'm glad the weekend turned out ok in the end.

Maybe I didn't express the depth of our feelings well enough for people to understand.
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It sounded super high stress to me. So much so that you were turning yourself into knots.

I'm glad things turned out ok in the end. Since it turned out well in the end, looking back now... would it have hurt waiting another week to do the trip? So that you and husband have a few more days to prepare and could enter it not so high stress/pressured?

I believe you that there are feelings there. I do hope things continue to go well.

I suggest you remember it is ok to slow it down some so you can navigate this journey a bit less stressy. Between (enjoying something good all up and down stressy) or (enjoying something good a bit more even keel)? I think less stress is better.

Galagirl
 
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