New to poly, am I being unreasonable?

C

Cinnamud

New member
Hi everyone,

I'm new to the poly lifestyle (well, I have been with someone who has another partner for a year and a half now). However, only recently have I been dealing with actually coming into contact with his other partner, so there has been new concerns and questions.

One of the things that has been frustrating me the most is this: I want us to have sex with him when we're alone with him. Meaning, I don't want to be subjected to sharing their space when they're doing the dirty, and vice versa. It's a huge turn-off for me when she's in our space and I don't want to have sex in that kind of an environment.

She talks about this like she's making huge accommodations for me, and suggests that "maybe I'm not ready for poly" because I can't deal with watching them have sex.

Am I being unreasonable in any way? My reasoning was sort of like... not having sex within ear-shot of someone is a level of respect that you give most, if not all of everyone in your life. Like, I don't really want to see my best friend having sex. I don't want to see my family having sex. I don't want to see my partner and his other partner having sex, either.

Does this mean I'm "not ready for poly"? Is this a sign of insecurity or jealousy? Please let me know what you think.
 
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I think you're being completely reasonable to ask that you not be exposed (visually or auditorily) to their sexcapades. As you say, it's a matter of respect.
 
Thank you for the response!

Does anyone have any recommendations about how to go about this when we're in the same space? She's coming and were sharing a hotel room for three days, and I suggested a planned time when I would be away but she said that ruins her "spontaneity".

She suggests letting me know when she's "in the mood" so I can leave, which makes me feel uncomfortable. It puts me in a strange position (I think) because we're out of state and I don't have anywhere to go besides maybe hanging out around the lobby area of the hotel or something. Which... I was willing to do at a scheduled time, but I don't like the idea of being shooed out whenever she wants.

What are your thoughts? Suggestions?
 
Why are you sharing space with her at all? Get two hotel room and your shared partner can go back and forth. Don't share space - problem solved.

It's not a rule that metamours have to be friends (although if that happens, it is more pleasant.) You don't have to hang out with her at all if that doesn't work for you. If she's ok otherwise but you just don't want to watch them have sex, then don't share sex space. They will have to work out where they can sex apart from you. And, yes, that might impact her 'spontaneity' but part of being an adult is knowing that one cannot always do what one wants when one wants all the time. Or has to plan in order to do what one wants to do.

Not everyone who is poly is into watching others having sex. And it's not acceptable at all that you are expected to be some sort of involuntary voyeur. That's creepy.

If you have to share space - and seriously reconsider if that's necessary - then you might need to consider what compromises you would find acceptable. While it's not ok that she boots you out of the room every time she gets horny, it is not unreasonable that they boink while you are out doing something. Are you going to a con? Maybe arrange to go to a workshop or two and leave them to it. Or you could sight see if you are not there for a conference. Long story short, it's not unreasonable for you to occupy yourself while they have sex if the request is made respectfully.

Is she leaving the room when you and your partner have sex? (Not really relevant exactly but I'm curious.)
 
So many questions! :) Thanks for all the input guys, I really appreciate it. Let me see if I can elaborate a little more.

My partner and I live together. His other partner lives in a state that he used to live in. She was his first partner, I came in later. She's alright. I don't dislike her, but I don't have any sort of connection with her at all.

Anyways, The last time she came to visit, she came during a kink conference that lasted the weekend. She came late on Thursday, left on Sunday. 100% of our time was going to classes and play parties. We didn't stay in the host hotel, so by the time we finally got home it was 3/4am so we crashed immediately. She never had time with him alone, so they never had sex on that last trip.

With that in mind, it's easier to see why this has come up. She wants to guarantee sexy times with him, since last time she didn't have any and it's been a month since she's seen him. However, as I said before we're sharing a hotel room. We're visiting Florida, just for fun, and all three of us are pretty cheap (I just graduate and am currently unemployed, she's a student). We had a hard enough time agreeing to a hotel for three nights, so the idea of adding a second was never really an option.

We have a lot of plans, and there won't be a lot of down time in the hotel. But once at the hotel, I don't know what I can do to occupy myself for them to have time to themselves. But, I'm okay with a little discomfort if it's planned ahead of time, like "give us an hour on Saturday" or something. I'm just not okay with being told to get out whenever.

As for your question, opalescent, I've never asked her to leave so him and I could have sex. I just don't have sex with him when she's visiting, which has been manageable because she only visits for short periods of time.
 
Are they getting enough alone time? I have a long distance partner and I adore his wife but I would NEVER plan a trip where my boyfriend and I didn't have at least one night by ourselves.

Maybe in the future you guys can plan better for everyone's needs?

As for giving them alone time under these circumstances I can understand why it might not feel very good to be kick out of where you are staying so they can have sex and I can understand why it would be hard or less than prefect to plan a hard set time to have sex. But you guys choose this difficult set up for your trip so it seems like you might both have to be a little uncomfortable and work toward it feeling better in the future?

Maybe they can have a weekend together just the two of them soon after this trip?
 
Re (from Cinnamud):
"But once at the hotel, I don't know what I can do to occupy myself for them to have time to themselves."
Click to expand...

It may sound boring, but you could bring a book and go to the hotel lounge to read from the book? possibly just do it automatically? right after the three of you enter your hotel room? Would an hour be a good amount of time to give them?

This could turn into a crappy trip if you and your metamour can't arrive at some kind of acceptable compromise. What if you just wait until they start making out, and take that as your cue? Your position is certainly reasonable, but what can you do if she insists on being unreasonable?
 
Two hotel rooms :D

Seriously, can you spend less on drinks/restaurants/etc and get two rooms? One for you, one for her, and your BF can float between them? That's how I have handled travel in the past. It might require more scheduling than your metamour likes, but poly means spontaneity takes a backseat sometimes.

I cannot imagine sharing a hotel room with my husband and his lady friend, or asking my husband and BF to share space in that way. And it's not just about getting sexy times, it's also about everyone's comfort level, and not being forced to be social with your metamour 24/7.
 
My husband and I have been poly for 7 years. Not once in that entire time has either of us watched the other having sex with another partner. Occasionally we've heard things from the room where a couple is having sex, but we've never done it on purpose. To say that you aren't poly if you're not comfortable watching and being watched is ridiculous. Poly is ethical non-monogamy where everyone knows about everyone else (no one is cheating). No definition of poly I've ever heard also included "you must also be comfortable being a voyeur and an exhibitionist."

I don't think I'd even be comfortable sharing a hotel room for 3 nights with my husband and one of his girlfriends. I've slept in the same bed with him and one of his girlfriends one night in seven years, because I was having a bad night emotionally and didn't want to be by myself. Nothing sexual happened but I'm still pretty sure I don't want to do it again, it was uncomfortable for me. I've never slept in the same bed with my husband and another of my partners. It's just not something we're into and that's okay.
 
Re:
"To say that you aren't poly if you're not comfortable watching and being watched is ridiculous."
Click to expand...

+1
 
Calling someone "not ready for poly" is super unkind! Even people who have been poly for many years struggle with things sometimes. Hrmph. That sounds to me like she was trying to put you on the defensive so that you cave to her desires. :eek:
 
The purpose of this trip is to attend an event, right? That all three of you want to attend. It's not purely a date for them. If they want spontaneity in their hookups with each other, then maybe they need to plan a trip for just them for the weekend. I think you're being pretty generous offering them a two hour window to get it on, and you should stick to that. Trust me, if it's been a while since they've seen each other then they will not have any problems being in the mood. And as I say, if either of them act huffy about it, remind them that they could have arranged a date and a separate room for themselves, but chose not to.

I was (very recently in fact) in the position of being within earshot of Nina hooking up with Aries one-on-one. Despite thinking I would be fine with it, despite the fact that the three of us regularly hook up together, I found it really did a number on me emotionally. I wouldn't recommend putting yourself in that position if you have any doubts. I've learnt my lesson - I'm fine with either of them having sex without me, but I don't want to hear it/see it if I'm not a participant. It might make some people feel sexy and compersive, but it makes ME feel lonely and unsexy, and that's all that matters. Sounds like you know what you need. Make your final offer of a scheduled time when you'll be out, at a time when there are shops open to browse/stuff to do, and let them work it out between themselves.
 
Didn't anyone tell her there is no room for spontaneity in poly?:D

But seriously there is little room for it when three people are sharing a room. This sort of thing needs to be scheduled.
 
1) Reasonable to not want to see them getting it on. "Poly" does not automatically mean "group sex" or "voyeur" activities HAVE to be in the mix. They simply do not. Her calling you names when you exercise YOUR preferences? Like you are not ready for poly? She's being mean/childish.

2) In future, don't go unless there's 2 rooms. One for you and one for her and he can float in between.

3) Make the best of it this trip. Make a schedule for people having the room alone and give (BF + her) and (BF+ you) ample time to hang out or share sex or whatever without the other there. You are giving up access your room sometimes. They can give up "spontaneity." You guys are not children. Besides, there's also the bathroom. Lock the door. Sheesh!

To occupy yourself for an hour -- get up an hour early and go attend a conference panel or event. Bring a book. Lounge at the hotel pool. Go out to eat. Or they go home to hotel an hour early and you hang back at dinner/conference things.

3B) Or skip this trip. If it really sucks, don't go. They can go without you. It sucks to give up registration on your conference, but call it lesson learned if this is what you need to stay sane/avoid crazy.

Galagirl
 
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