New to poly and would like some insight on a situation

L

lauragrehgg

New member
I’m new to both poly and this forum so sorry if this is the wrong place. I had a situation on NYE that I need some help with. Basically, I’m wondering if my partner’s behavior hurt me because I’m not actually poly or if what they did was genuinely not okay.

my partner lives two states away from me in a house with 6 or so roommates. He slept with one of them on Halloween and told me about it a couple days later. He made a point to let me know it was a casual hook up and that he wasn’t interested in her. Whatever. I visited on thanksgiving and it seemed like I was getting some cold vibes from her but I don’t like reading into shit so I just ignored it.

I visited again on dec 26th and was meant to stay until the 4th. My partner and I were headed to a Covid conscious, social distanced small gathering on New Year’s Eve and while on the way he asked me if the girl he slept with was treating me weird. I thought it was strange that he brought it up so after some prying I find out their sexual relationship has continued and that he thinks she has feelings for him and he discovered this on Xmas eve when she gave him a sentimental gift and they slept together again that night. I arrived two days later.

she proceeds to blow up his phone all evening and tries sending him nudes even though he and I were together and I found this hurtful and disrespectful. I felt like my partner had now created an environment where a woman felt the need to compete with me in her own home and I was completely unaware of it. And he was trying to hide from me that she was texting him.

I found all of this very shady and so I left early and ended my partnership with him. So I’m wondering.... like... this isn’t proper poly behavior, right? Idk if I’m being jealous and overreacting or if he was being a shady piece of shit. 😪
 
The casual hookup on Halloween -- are casual hookups ok or did he break agreements way back then?

This hook-up becoming a FWB thing for him? Did he tell her that's all he wanted? Did he tell you he had a FWB developing? Are FWB ok in your open agreements? Or not ok?

I felt like my partner had now created an environment where a woman felt the need to compete with me in her own home and I was completely unaware of it. And he was trying to hide from me that she was texting him.
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Sounds nitpicky but you don't FEEL this. You have OBSERVED this. He did hide her texts. The woman WAS trying to compete for his attention.

And I think it's fine that you ended it with him because it DOES sound shady.

You are not being jealous. You are not overreacting. Dude was less than forthcoming and not truthful. To me that is very poor behavior. And to me that's grounds for ending a relationship to me.

So I think you did fine. It's going to feel ugh though because all break ups, even when the best choice? Are kinda ugh. But better this ugh than dealing with him and more shenanigans later ugh. YKWIM?

I hope time brings you peace and healing.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
The casual hookup on Halloween -- are casual hookups ok or did he break agreements way back then?

This hook-up becoming a FWB thing for him? Did he tell her that's all he wanted? Did he tell you he had a FWB developing? Are FWB ok in your open agreements? Or not ok?



Sounds nitpicky but you don't FEEL this. You have OBSERVED this. He did hide her texts. The woman WAS trying to compete for his attention.

And I think it's fine that you ended it with him because it DOES sound shady.

You are not being jealous. You are not overreacting. Dude was less than forthcoming and not truthful. To me that is very poor behavior. And to me that's grounds for ending a relationship to me.

So I think you did fine. It's going to feel ugh though because all break ups, even when the best choice? Are kinda ugh. But better this ugh than dealing with him and more shenanigans later ugh. YKWIM?

I hope time brings you peace and healing.

Galagirl
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Thank you for your response 💕 casual hookups and romances are allowed. He told me he told her he wanted to keep it casual but then later said they only talked about it the first time they hooked up. and he told me she felt threatened by me and the intensity of our relationship? Like why is all this even an issue if we’re all open and everything? It just didn’t make any sense to me. And he did not tell me that it became a recurring thing and I take great issue with that.

like all of this would have potentially been fine if he hadn’t hidden it from me and put me in a less than desirable situation. I wouldn’t have gone to visit had I known the entirety of their relationship (which I STILL don’t know) because my presence obviously hurt her. No clear boundaries were established and it was sloppy and just fucking hurtful and disappointing
 
Hello lauragrehgg,

It sounds like your (now ex) partner lied to you, and put you in a super bad position. You may very well be poly, heck, you may be more poly than he is. In poly, we do not keep secrets from each other. If sleeping with a housemate becomes an ongoing thing, he should inform you of the fact, so that you can consent or no based on your accurate knowledge of the situation. He withheld that freedom from you, he did a bait and switch. First you thought you were partnered with a man who only slept with his roommate once, then after you consented to that, he revealed that you "consented" to a much heavier situation. I consider that to be cheating on his part.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello lauragrehgg,

It sounds like your (now ex) partner lied to you, and put you in a super bad position. You may very well be poly, heck, you may be more poly than he is. In poly, we do not keep secrets from each other. If sleeping with a housemate becomes an ongoing thing, he should inform you of the fact, so that you can consent or no based on your accurate knowledge of the situation. He withheld that freedom from you, he did a bait and switch. First you thought you were partnered with a man who only slept with his roommate once, then after you consented to that, he revealed that you "consented" to a much heavier situation. I consider that to be cheating on his part.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.
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Thank you for taking the time to write that all out. It’s very validating. 🖤
 
I'm glad to be of help.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello lauragrehgg,

It sounds like your (now ex) partner lied to you, and put you in a super bad position. You may very well be poly, heck, you may be more poly than he is. In poly, we do not keep secrets from each other. If sleeping with a housemate becomes an ongoing thing, he should inform you of the fact, so that you can consent or no based on your accurate knowledge of the situation. He withheld that freedom from you, he did a bait and switch. First you thought you were partnered with a man who only slept with his roommate once, then after you consented to that, he revealed that you "consented" to a much heavier situation. I consider that to be cheating on his part.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

How can you make the claim of cheating without any knowledge about prior agreements?
 
lauragrehgg said:
I’m new to both poly and this forum so sorry if this is the wrong place. I had a situation on NYE that I need some help with. Basically, I’m wondering if my partner’s behavior hurt me because I’m not actually poly or if what they did was genuinely not okay.

my partner lives two states away from me in a house with 6 or so roommates. He slept with one of them on Halloween and told me about it a couple days later. He made a point to let me know it was a casual hook up and that he wasn’t interested in her. Whatever. I visited on thanksgiving and it seemed like I was getting some cold vibes from her but I don’t like reading into shit so I just ignored it.

I visited again on dec 26th and was meant to stay until the 4th. My partner and I were headed to a Covid conscious, social distanced small gathering on New Year’s Eve and while on the way he asked me if the girl he slept with was treating me weird. I thought it was strange that he brought it up so after some prying I find out their sexual relationship has continued and that he thinks she has feelings for him and he discovered this on Xmas eve when she gave him a sentimental gift and they slept together again that night. I arrived two days later.

she proceeds to blow up his phone all evening and tries sending him nudes even though he and I were together and I found this hurtful and disrespectful. I felt like my partner had now created an environment where a woman felt the need to compete with me in her own home and I was completely unaware of it. And he was trying to hide from me that she was texting him.

I found all of this very shady and so I left early and ended my partnership with him. So I’m wondering.... like... this isn’t proper poly behavior, right? Idk if I’m being jealous and overreacting or if he was being a shady piece of shit. 😪
Click to expand...
Definitely not poly but for sure selfish. In a real poly relationship there is crystal clear communication before a partner approaches and sleeps with someone. It’s pretty obvious this is all happening after the fact. Good for you to break the partnership.
 
Jimcanada said:
Definitely not poly but for sure selfish. In a real poly relationship there is crystal clear communication before a partner approaches and sleeps with someone. It’s pretty obvious this is all happening after the fact. Good for you to break the partnership.
Click to expand...

Sorry this is completely untrue. It is up to the peoppe concerned to communicate and make an agreement about how they will proceed. Please stick around and read more about polyamory before answering questions with such certainty.
 
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