New to poly at 21

[cartera]

Hi! I'm W. & I use he or she pronouns. I'm currently in an open relationship with my partner who uses they/them and is also 21. We've been together since our freshman year of college and we will both be entering our senior year this Fall, but for the first time, at different institutions and in an open relationship.

My partner and I both struggle with mental health issues (me: severe anxiety, ocd and paranoia which all lead to extreme thoughts replaying themselves), but have been working extremely hard despite anxiety making it a difficult transition. We began in what I believed was a monogamous relationship but we were too careless to discuss our actual needs in terms of relationship structures before we began having problems with jealousy.
I've developed 3 friendships throughout my time in college that didn't initially include a lot of my significant other-- through a mentoring program where I was assigned 3 incoming students to mentor). 3 was difficult to juggle so I only ended up really developing a strong bond with 2 of my mentees. At different points in my friendship and general relationships with these 2 mentees, my partner begins a level of intimacy with them without discussing their feelings or ideas with me. We've gotten into so many bad arguments about why the set up of being in that relationship with my friends bothers me, so I asked my partner if they could respect my condition of not trying to date my friends. They agreed that it was a reasonable condition and that they understood. However, they've recently been spending more and more time with one of my 2 closer mentees and I found out a couple of days ago that they let my mentee kiss them. This is the 2nd mentee that my partner has tried to enter into a relationship with despite my discomfort.
I guess I'm wondering if I'm in the wrong here? I know there isn't always a 'right and 'wrong' person in a dispute and usually both people have feelings that deserve attention and validation, but I feel terrible about not being cool with Alex (my partner) dating my closest friends (I only have 3, because we go to a disgustingly small liberal arts college). But I don't feel as though Alex is considering my feelings when they've only tried pursuing relationships outside of us with my friends. They have told me that they believe it's because they would like to be in a triad with me and a 3rd person, but I'm not ready to have that type of relationship with my friends and usually like to keep those relationships, well, simple. I think the idea of a triad is appealing and seems like it would work once we've resolved our resentment towards each other's actions in the relationship, but ideally (for me) that relationship would be with someone who is also, to some degree, interested in me too. That isn't to say that I don't think Alex should be seeing someone if they don't like me, I don't really mind it and feel like I could find some ways to cope with that and work on my feelings, but the dating my mentees/best friend without me doesn't appeal to me at all. Last night we fought and Alex expressed that they felt that I get to tell them who they can and can't like, and technically they're right under the circumstances Am I being a salty tyrant? Are there others who have gone through similar issues who can provide some insight on a compromise?
Ultimately, Alex and I really love each other and want to work on things rather than give up.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Hi, former Soc major here, B.A. & B.Sci.. (We won't discuss the M.Sci. work. )

Have you ever considered the possibility you're part of a longitudinal study...?

In any case, you've been stuck oi the middle of a classic propinquity problem: presented with an individual (or three) who's made out as "special," you bond to them ONLY because they're "special"... when in fact they're dirt-common & entirely random.

Deep breaths. Leave the kids alone.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings cartera,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You are not in the wrong here, although, Alex isn't in the wrong either. You just have differing desires and preferences. I am thinking that Alex is going to continue to pursue your mentee friend/s, even though you don't want Alex to do that and have told them so. You can't force Alex to do as you would like, so you'll probably have to figure out whether you'll want to continue in a relationship with Alex. Whether you can tolerate their behavior. I don't know if that's very helpful, but it's how I see the situation. I hope you and Alex can work things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi cartera, welcome.

I think your partner is being rude. If you've discussed with them that your mentees are off limits, they should respect that.

We are all allowed to have a messy list of people we don't want our poly
SO to date. Our sister or brother, or a certain ex, our best friend, or our mom. We ourselves may choose not to date a friend's ex, or our boss or employee, etc.

I am not sure how much of a professional distance you are required to keep from your mentees at college. Is it against school rules to date (have sex with) a mentee?

If your partner refuses to consent to your request, I find it disrespectful. I also find them lacking in impulse control. Of course, at 21, most people are lacking in impulse control and make stupid choices all the time. God knows, I did.

If you've discussed this with your partner, and they agreed to not make moves on your mentee/friend, and yet did it anyway, they have lied to you. So of course you'd be hurt. It's up to you whether you want to stay with someone who has lied to you and broken trust.

And the idea of a "triad".... such a fantasy. If your partner was fucking you and the mentee, but you weren't fucking the mentee, it would be a V, with your partner as the hinge. Being a good hinge means being able to value and balance the needs and desires of both partners. Alex doesn't seem to have a good handle on this.

Polyamory is hard for younger people. And you're working with OCD and anxiety as well. Monogamy isn't usually a bed of roses either when you're young and still finding yourself.

Now that you're going to be in different schools for your senior years, maybe it's time to let go?

 

[Shaya]

Hi Cartera,

Mags has it right. Polyamory can be messy because there are no hard and fast rules, with everybody's polyamory taking different shapes and forms. We spend a lifetime learning how to do monogamy with all the various examples around us, and then we suddenly decide we don't want that and we want polyamory instead. But without adequate examples, polyamory to you ends up meaning something different than polyamory to your partner.

I hear you describing a difference of opinion here. One the one hand, you would rather not get your personal friendships mixed up in romantic relationships. On the other hand, your partner feels as if you can't dictate love between two people.

Both are valid viewpoints for poly but are mutually incompatible. That's because there's different types of poly.

In the end, it's you that's here on the forums asking for advice. You've both previously discussed and agreed upon the "no dating my friends" boundary which he has violated. I feel the violation of trust here is something that needs to be addressed for your peace of mind. It can be hard to do poly without trust and without a partner's respect for comfort zones. If your partner were more mature or older, your partner would realise that polyamory does not require you to act on every sexual attraction you come across, not even if the attraction is mutual (see the senior polyamory members' replies to my thread polysaturation and heartbreak). On the other hand, I wouldn't expect two people in their young 20s (your partner and your friend) to be able to ignore a mutual attraction. You're both 21, at a stage of experimentation and can I say, relative inexperience. There are selfish things we do at 21 that we wouldn't do at 41. At 21, your friend and your partner may see love as unique and are maybe hopeful that love lasts forever whilst at 41, we tend to know that that's not necessarily true. I'm trying to say that if the trust issue somehow resolves itself for you and you find yourself able to forgive and move on, you could enter polyamory with your friend and your partner in a V configuration (not a triad). The setup may only be temporary whilst love lasts and may change even in a few months' time.

There's no right way to proceed here, Cartera. It really does depend on your level of comfort with this, as well as your friend's and partner's desires.

Wishing you the best of luck,
Shaya

 

[Ravenscroft]

Mags has it right. Polyamory can be messy because there are no hard and fast rules ... polyamory to you ends up meaning something different than polyamory to your partner.

That's really not what I picked up from Magdlyn --

I think your partner is being rude. If you've discussed with them that your mentees are off limits, they should respect that.

That cetainly indicates there's at least one rule in play.

That's because there's different types of poly.

No. That is a very popular self-serving meme, nothing more.

While each relationship within a polyamorous paradigm should be unique, there ARE standards (explicit or inherent) that make it polyamory rather than nonmonogamy. Words recur: communication (NOT just lip-flapping)... respect (empathy)... honesty (introspection)... & the recurring with the agreement of everyone involved (or variant thereof).

IMO, what Magdlyn actually says is that the scenario, as presented, fails one or two of those base criteria, & therefore has no right to hide behind the "poly" draperies --

If you've discussed this with your partner, and they agreed to not make moves on your mentee/friend, and yet did it anyway, they have lied to you. ... It's up to you whether you want to stay with someone who has lied to you and broken trust.

Not polyamory, q.e.d., so which is more important: poly, or this relationship?

It can be hard to do poly without trust and without a partner's respect for comfort zones.

The correct word would be impossible.