New to poly, feeling jealousy but don't know why

A

applesauce

New member
I've been in my first open/poly relationship with another guy for 6 months. Its his first open/poly relationship as well. We discussed early on wanting an open relationship, that we'd still call each other boyfriend, that we should stay in communication about what we're doing and our feelings. I said I'd prefer us to be able to be open with each other about what we're doing outside our relationship. Since we didn't want to set hard limits on how far other relationships could develop, I said I'd rather know earlier on so I can deal with any jealousy or other feelings that might arise. I acknowledged that I'd felt jealousy in previous, very unhealthy relationships with controlling guys, and that I was worried about feeling jealousy but that I hoped I/we could work through it.

A few weeks back, we talked about how our relationship was going. We both said we hadn't slept with anyone else so far, but its still fine if we do, that we wanted to continue the open relationship.

Now, last Friday, he came over to my place. We were talking about our weeks, and during that, he says something like "So Thursday, um, lets see what did I do Thursday..." He pauses for awhile, then mumbles something about not remembering and switches the topic. I felt kind of weird about this, like he wanted to tell me something but then got embarrassed, but I decided not to press it. Even though I'm interested in what's going on in his life, I certainly don't want to pressure him.

On Saturday, he mentions that sometimes he thinks his wanting an open relationship is only to justify his past cheating (which he'd told me about before, and that he felt very badly about it and wanted to take responsibility). I tell him that I don't really understand what he means, and he kind of drops the subject.

On Monday, I'm thinking about what he says, and I start to wonder if he's slept with someone else. It seems like him mentioning the cheating thing and hesitating about his Thursday might add up to a hookup on Thursday that he feels embarrassed about. I feel jealousy rearing its ugly head as I wonder why he'd hide this from me if it is the case. I also understand that I'm jumping to some conclusions here, but I still feel the jealousy and questioning of what could it be, which makes me a bit upset.

As we chat online that night, he notices I'm feeling off and asks me whats up. Since I haven't worked out what to say about the jealousy and questioning, I tell a half-truth: I feel lonely and like I don't have any friends here. This is true, since I've moved to a new city, and felt lonely that I didn't have friends I could call up to talk this out with. He comforts me, asks me if he can help, and I feel a bit better, especially knowing that he's attentive to my feelings.

While its abated, I still can't shake this jealousy, and also the confusion at knowing that I'm jumping to conclusions and really don't have anything to be jealous about. He spent the whole weekend with me, and we had good sex several times, so why should I be jealous of some theoretical Thursday hookup? I ask why he wouldn't tell me what happened on Thursday, but I remind myself that I don't have a right to know everything, and that I should respect his privacy. Yet, the feelings are still there.

I think I should discuss this with him, but I'm not sure how. I was thinking of saying: I was thinking about the open relationship / cheating comment, and it made me feel a bit weird, curious, and possibly jealous. That I know jealousy isn't fair when I don't even know what happened and we're in an open relationship, but I still feel it and it makes me worry. I very much love this man, and I don't want to lose him or push him away by being too demanding to know what's going on. I also don't want to lose him because my jealousy or insecurity starts creeping into my behavior and affects our relationship. Really, I'm just afraid to lose him and what we have, and I think that's part of my jealousy.

Any advice would be much appreciated, even in general since I'm very new to poly relationships. Thanks :)
 
It sounds like your boyfriend may be experiencing something akin to cognitive dissonance caused by the competing ideas of 'cheating' and 'open relationship.' It's not uncommon in the poly world, especially for those new to poly.

You say he's been a cheater in the past, and one can assume that's caused a lot of conflict and drama in his relationships. Even though the two of you have an open arrangement, he may still feel like he's 'cheating' when/if he has sex with someone else. This is probably what's causing him to act like he's got something to hide when in fact he does not.

Basically, he's in a transitory period where taking advantage of the open nature of your relationship is causing him to feel 'mono guilt.' Maybe just reminding him that you two are indeed in an open relationship and that he doesn't need to feel badly or hide it if he has sex with someone else would ease his mind and get him to open up. Try not to put him on the spot, just let him know that it's OK to talk about it.

As far as your jealousy is concerned, how much of it is actual 'jealousy' and how much is just unease generated by his behavior? A subtle distinction perhaps, but how would you feel if he admitted to sex with someone else? Would you be relieved that he finally opened up or pissed about the sex?

It can be rough to be in a new city where your only friend is also your lover. This is probably adding to your unease, since he's all you have in a strange new place. Once you find out where his head is at, I suspect you'll feel a lot better.
 
Hi applesauce,

Re (from OP):
"I said I'd prefer us to be able to be open with each other about what we're doing outside our relationship. Since we didn't want to set hard limits on how far other relationships could develop, I said I'd rather know earlier on so I can deal with any jealousy or other feelings that might arise."
Click to expand...

Uh oh, I hear "I said I'd prefer" and "I said I'd rather," but I'm not hearing, "and he said, 'Okay, I agree.'" You might have needed an agreement that when you did sleep with other guys, you'd tell each other as soon as possible. Maybe the thing to do is to just ask him now if that's something he'd agree to.

Sounds like you're uber-worried about losing him. That kind of thing will definitely contribute to jealous feelings. What can he do to make you feel more secure that he won't leave you? Whatever answer you can think of to that question, you might want to pass it on to him.

In case it'll help here's some jealousy-related links:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

And personally, if it was me, I think I'd ask him if he'd be willing to talk about what happened on Thursday. That's my vote.

Hope you guys get things ironed out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think you need to just be brave and ask him directly: did you hook up with anyone on Thursday? When you do so, acknowledge that you may be massively misreading the situation, but that it's playing on your mind, and since the two of you have agreed to openness with one another, you would rather clear things up than let anything negative linger there in your imagination. ESPECIALLY if it's just in your imagination. Own up to the fact it might just be your own paranoia speaking. Realise that seeking reassurance from your partner about such negative feelings is just as good a reason for asking as if he actually did hook up with someone. And if the truth is that he did meet up with someone that night? Be calm about it and hear him out. As previous posters have said, he's learning how to do poly, as are you. Cut each other some slack and learn from every experience like this.

And if he's innocent? Then yes, there's a chance he will feel hurt and like you don't trust him. That's ok, because you need to realise that you are feeling this way because, actually, you don't trust him yet. Your agreement to openness hasn't been tested in any meaningful way yet. You've only been together for 6 months - and while that's easily long enough to fall deliciously for one another, it's not always long enough to establish those deeply unshakeable bonds of trust. The way you two work this thing out once you ask him directly will start to contribute to that process of trust-building, for sure.

And on a personal note, I know how much it sucks to be in the position of having to admit that you are feeling a bit doubting and insecure/jealous. Last week I had some brain weaselly paranoid thoughts and initiated a very frank discussion with my gf about whether she had 'secret' plans to meet up with our lover/friend Jay without telling me. No such plans existed and she was acutely annoyed and disappointed with me. This lasted for approximately 90 painful seconds, before she sighed, gave me a big hug, and thanked me for telling her rather than letting negative thoughts multiply. We had a big discussion that night where we reaffirmed where we were with each other, and with him, and we both felt a million times better.

Hope you guys work things out too.
 
You're not alone.

My relationship may not be exactly the same but I am combating these same problems myself. I'm a married man and my wife and I have very recently entered into a poly relationship with a female friend of ours.

I love both of them very much but I often feel almost overwhelming feelings of jealousy and fear (they may be the same thing, really). It seems to happen whenever I'm alone and they're together... and I think most of it is my own insecurity and I hate that in myself but it's hard to shake.

Communication helps me a lot and I think the best advice I can give you is to try to stop being afraid to talk to your partner about your fears. If he doesn't know what triggers these feelings in you, he can't know to curtail doing these things.

I wish you lots of luck combating this horrible feeling, so far, it is the only problem I have had with my poly relationship - well, that and telling my young-adult children and older relatives about it. Still thinking about that part.
 
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