New to poly life and confused about my relationship

M

Mightbeaunicorn

New member
Hey all,
About a month ago, my best friends (who happen to be married) and I took our relationship to the next level. We had joked about a one time threesome before. Once it finally happened, we couldn't stop. Lol We were already practically family and have an awesome relationship between ourselves and our children. I love them all and am so grateful for them. The three of us decided to make it official and become a throuple.
Now my girlfriend is getting pissy with me. She does that when she's stressed and usually giving her a little space helps. But its been almost a week now and she is still being cold. She says we are fine, but then she gets upset when our bf and I talk on the phone(not that we do that all day or anything) Her issue with that seems to be that if she wants space from someone, no one else should talk to them either. It makes me feel like a toy. She loves me and likes to play, but when I don't do exactly what she wants she can just throw me in the toy box and close the lid.
They both say how I am their unicorn and they are lucky to have me, but I don't always feel that from her. Am I being overly sensitive? Does anyone else live in a seperate home while their partners live together? How do you balance the respecting their relationship without discrediting your own? I want this to work. I love them both so much. But I also don't want to be made to feel like I am just a play thing. It is breaking my heart because I just want to talk to them about it and can't because she won't let me. Sorry if I'm rambling. I'd really appreciate any advice. Thanks everyone.
 
They actually CALL you their unicorn?? That is a very loaded word amongst experienced polyamorists, and not altogether complimentary.

To be brutally honest, it IS possible both your partners, or perhaps girlfriend alone, view your involvement as little more than a "fun" addition to "their" sex life. And in saying that, I'm not suggesting they don't value your friendship or you as an individual, per se.

I don't know much about your girlfriend or your situation other than what you've written above, but if I had to guess, I'd say it seems like the rose-coloured glasses are finally coming off and your girlfriend is having at least some regrets.

Friends sharing an enjoyable three-way (or several) is one thing, but perhaps the decision to take this to the next level and integrate your group sex-life with the pre-existing best friends/family dynamic, is proving all too much for her. Reality is setting in, and she may be feeling jealous and insecure (for the first time?) since you all got together.

In reaction to her own feelings of insecurity, your girlfriend is cold-shouldering you and trying to control how and when you interact with her husband, even if her behaviour is not intentional or she doesn't fully understand what she's doing, or why. (To give her the benefit of the doubt.)

And, yes, because they are married and live together, while you're the "outsider" (both location-wise AND from a legal standpoint), it's understandable that your gf's unwillingness to openly discuss her feelings and behaviour would leave YOU feeling as insecure, confused and hurt as SHE is likely feeling right now.

Has she always been a rather self-contained, controlling type - in hindsight? Did you two women previously share your thoughts and feelings freely with each other, prior to expanding your friendship to include sexual intimacy between the three of you, I mean.

Does your boyfriend have any insight as to what's going on between his wife and yourself lately? Does he even realise it's happening... and if not, why not?

****************

The first things I'd suggest - if you haven't done so already - and if you THREE are serious about making this triad situation work, or throuple as you call it:

- Read/research as much as you can about the principles of polyamory (including triad dynamics, and the concepts of couple privilege and unicorn-hunting) and apply what you've learnt when processing your current situation.

- Commit to sitting down as a group and discussing any issues of concern; with a view to opening up on-going, regular communication outside of the bedroom or social situations.

- As part of the first discussion, express an expectation that open communication between ALL three of you must be part of the deal. This includes input from your male partner, even if he isn't directly causing the issues you're currently experiencing. Too often it's the women in relationships who get left with the burden of doing most of the emotional labour.

- Think about what you EACH want, need and expect from the relationships (not only the throuple, but also you/boyfriend, you/girlfriend, husband/wife), and where you see the relationship/s heading... and express these needs clearly. Also, be clear about your own boundaries, and work on agreements you can each maintain.
 
Thank you so much for your response. You make a lot of sense. You brought up some things I had thought of and some I hadn't.
I hadn't even heard the term unicorn until they said it. And they are not experienced in poly relationships either. This is new for all of us. When they initially described it to me, they said it meant an attractive bi female who fits well into a previously established relationship. They meant it to be flattering. And I have talked with her at least about the term to make sure they didn't mean it the way that you and most others interpret it. Since that discussion they have been careful not to say it unless its in a very loving way.
Prior to our "throupling" my girlfriend and I talked about everything. And I mean everything. No limits. Thats one of the things that made it possible for us to talk about taking things further. I know that when she's stressed she internalizes and her daughter is having surgery later this summer. I am truly hoping that she is just taking that stress out on me.
She is fairly controlling and has been this way with her husband forever. (I have no idea how he has handled it for all these years by himself lol) He and I have talked a bit and he has stood up for me to her. He isn't taking sides, but he is honest with both of us when we are being a bit much. Unfortunately we handle that differently. She starts out defensive and will take a couple days before she admits he is right. I usually get there after a couple hrs.

You are so right about us needing to sit as a group and really talk about it. I think I have been afraid to push that. If our timing isn't right, she will not be in a frame of mind to listen and we might just make it worse.

I really appreciate your input. At least I don't feel like I am completely wrong in the way I've been thinking. Thank you. :)
 
Some other food for thought.

Prior to our "throupling" my girlfriend and I talked about everything. And I mean everything. No limits.
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And this is healthy relating to you? If the larger polyship is made up of all the little relationships "inside" it... you do not think that (you +her) and (you + him) and (him + her) need to have privacy inside that dyad?

You think that you need to tell GF EVERYTHING about your sex life with him? Or you need to know EVERYTHING about theirs? What about other topics? What is the role of healthy boundaries in this triad? Or will the expectation be no limits, no boundaries, everyone has to know EVERYTHING about everyone else? Are you ok with that? If so, how will you maintain your sense of self?

I know that when she's stressed she internalizes and her daughter is having surgery later this summer. I am truly hoping that she is just taking that stress out on me.
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So your role in this throuple is to be her punching bag any time she feels stressed? Are you are ok with being that?

She is fairly controlling and has been this way with her husband forever. (I have no idea how he has handled it for all these years by himself lol)
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Why do you "lol" rather than go "hrm... not esp healthy sounding. She is that way and he takes it for years. Maybe I don't want to throuple here?"

He and I have talked a bit and he has stood up for me to her. He isn't taking sides, but he is honest with both of us when we are being a bit much. Unfortunately we handle that differently. She starts out defensive and will take a couple days before she admits he is right. I usually get there after a couple hrs.
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Assuming she doesn't improve with the "being controlling" and the defensiveness... do you want to really want to throuple with a prickly person like that inside the poly network?

You are so right about us needing to sit as a group and really talk about it. I think I have been afraid to push that. If our timing isn't right, she will not be in a frame of mind to listen and we might just make it worse.
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So talk. Just because you shared a threesome and are interested in becoming a triad doesn't mean all the puzzle pieces are there in order for it to be a success. It may have just been a successful threesome and that's it.

I think for a triad to work out, each person have to be WILLING. So far, all 3 sound willing but maybe she's having second thoughts as the reality sinks in. Maybe she doesn't want to share her husband's time and attention after all. Sharing it for a few hours during a threesome is one thing, sharing it like "in a real relationship" might be another to her.

All 3 also have to be ABLE. With the controlling/defensiveness on her end, and the husband "putting up with it for years" and you wanting to talk but not wanting to actually assert... there may be some doubt on the ABLE on all 3 parts.

Then even if WILLING and ABLE... there has to be DEEPLY COMPATIBLE too.

Initially compatible for a threesome is not the same as DEEPLY COMPATIBLE for a triad. You haven't had much talking about it. Like...

Is it ok for you to date outside the trio? What about you having kids? If one person's work wants them to move... is that a break up or an expectation that the other two pack it in and move too?

I encourage you to have the talks you need to be having to sort stuff out. Don't think "we are a throuple now." Think more like "We are a potential throuple still figuring out if we get along well enough for that or not."

Slow stuff down.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks galagirl for your input. I think you got some things 100% right, but I think you may have misunderstood where I was coming from or I didn't explain well enough on a few things. I wanted to quote and respond to a couple of your comments specifcally, but I haven't figured out how yet. So I'm just going to do the best I can.

We talked about EVERYTHING before, when we were just friends. I do think that a sense of privacy in each individual relationship is crucial. And we have had lots of discussions before about boundaries and expectations and concerns. We have all stayed within these boundaries 100%. We all get that this is new and tricky and there will be bumps. And one of those bumps is me feeling like a punching bag at the moment.

That being said. You might be right about not all of us being able to do this. But isn't it worth trying? I think I may have been looking for advice on how to start talking to her about it. I didn't realize that till just now.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I appreciate what you had to say.
 
That being said. You might be right about not all of us being able to do this. But isn't it worth trying?
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That's a call only you guys can make. What you find worth trying on and what other people find worth trying on is going to vary.


I think I may have been looking for advice on how to start talking to her about it. I didn't realize that till just now.
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Well, could speak plain to all partners. To GF? Something like...

"GF can we talk? I noticed that you are really stressed for the last week. I don't know if that's from daughter's surgery or what.

When I ask if you are ok, I hear you SAY you are fine. But then in actions I see you get upset when BF and I talk on the phone.

I feel concerned and don't know what to do about what sound like mixed messages. You say you are ok but then act like you are not. Almost like when you want space away from me, BF should not talk to me either. Is that true?

I need clear communication from you. Could you please be willing to be more clear? I also need clarity in other ways. If you are mad at BF, don't take it out on me. If you are mad at me, talk to be directly about it. Could you be willing to do that?"


I don't know if any of these could help guide the conversations.

http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partprocess.htm

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Me? I would press on and be assertive about stating what you need/clearing the air. Try to practice the kind of honest relating you want to have.

If they are not ABLE to do it at this time? You will find that out sooner rather than later. That might inform you whether or not this is going to be worth further investment or not.

You could reevaluate if this needs a time out as a triad for people to learn the missing skills, if this is better as a V, or if its better to just stop completely and stick to being friends who once had a threesome and not try to make it be more than that.

Galagirl
 
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Hello Mightbeaunicorn,

I am thinking that the crucial thing here is to open up the communication between you and your girlfriend. Possibly with you two and your boyfriend as well, as long as it doesn't make your girlfriend feel like she is being ganged up on. If she can't talk while she's stressed, talk with her as soon as the stress has left. Unless it never leaves, you said it's been like this for almost a week, and how long should it continue? a month? surely not a year?

You need communication where you can express to her that you feel like a toy that she can just put back in the toybox, and you want to feel like a person and be respected as such.

I hope you can talk with her soon.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Update:
Thanks so much everyone. I did get a chance to talk to each of them separately. I did not get to talk to my girlfriend about everything mentioned here, but we made a good start without overwhelming her.
It turns out she thought I was being anorexic when I've just been sick. It triggered her competitiveness a bit and instead of talking, she shut down and got pissed at me. Her other stresses are definitely part of the problem as well. (Before anyone says it, she is not heartless and she does care if I am being healthy. She thought I wasn't eating so I would lose more weight than her. Logic isnt always her strength. Lol She does understand why that was not the way to react and will hopefully remember that next time)
The three of us are having date night tonight. I think my boyfriend is hoping that some kid free time with all three of us will get us fully back on track. I hope so too. I will gladly let her kick my ass in pool if it keeps her in a good mood. 😉
 
Thanks for that update, it sounds like things have improved, that's great to hear. I hope the three of you have a good time on your date.
 
Upon reflection, there's a few thoughts that stand out.
  • How long have these two been your "best friends"? (As in actual friends not acquaintances or online buddies, & as in actual friends not a couple trying to get you into bed.) It's not at all clear.
  • How many children do they have? How many children do you have?
  • Great sex is great sex, period. A loving relationship is a loving relationship, period. There's no reason to believe that one somehow leads to another. And both have a way of fading when the initial novelty begins to wear thin, especially if there's little substance to back it up. Some people cannot accept simply having sex & need to rationalize into "something serious," even if the people involved aren't well suited.
  • It's one thing to be around someone who's occasionally hot-headed or fired up about something. It's quite another to tolerate someone who keeps wallowing in meanness -- as the saying goes, when someone tells you "this is how I am," you should believe them.
  • When there's an appeaser involved, then that's already TWO people whose games need to be changed in order to have any hope of making the situation better. (I speak as a former appeaser.)
  • When there's someone who expects to always get their own way, there's usually two roles available: commander & appeaser. There's only one chair for commander; if that's not open, then you can choose to be the other, or to not remain -- that is the choice that THEY have given you.
 
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