I will get too personal and into this if I don't check myself, so I'm trying to keep my story short. But I like to think of myself as an open book in everything, as clear communicating is the cornerstone of any relationship, so feel free to ask for any details on matters!
So hi, I'm a 33 year old AMAB person. I'm very recently questioning my sexual identity, and trying to figure myself out some still, but can confidently say that a part of me still feels male, but am discovering thatI might be more than that. I most definitely am more than that.
I live with a wife and partner of 15 years now, a trans woman, who I have been with through her own journey of discovery. She finds herself not particularly attracted to men herself. We've been open to poly relationships, but have only for a short few months become a full polycule. She recently landed a like-minded girlfriend and in doing so has found her feet again in life! It has been a balm on my heart seeing her so full of life, and being blessed to be a part of that. She and I have referred to each other as platonic boyfriend/girlfriend so far, and romantic girlfriend when referring to between them, and as they still know me as fully male, we're just husband and wife still. We're figuring out dynamics, but it couldn't be going better.
It took our first triple date together to break me out of my own stupor. I thought I was living my life and happy... but i never realized how unhappy I truly was still, until that night.. the music, the dancing, the smiles, the love all around made me how much I'm missing out on still. My wife and I never got a chance to date in the normal sense, it started online and overseas.
With the recent free time to look after myself in life, I began a journey to get in touch with myself, as I had completely lost myself in trying to set our lives up. That one is still ongoing, to a degree, but I also have a whole new side of me I may have never given myself a chance to know.
I've always been a bottom, in the sense of being on the receiving end of things intimately, but became a service top for most of my wife's journey, until she rediscovered herself as a dominant top. I was more than happy to take up the new role, but a lack of attraction stopped her at first. She does not find the male form attractive herself, but still finds a very intimate attraction in the love I show her. And I'm now discovering not just how much I suppressed being a bottom and sub over a decade of service... so we're finally accepting our switch in roles more fully. Which has led me, I guess, to start to wonder about myself.
And to round off is the hardest topic for me to type out. I've never questioned my own gender, never felt like I had to... but to be fair to myself in this journey of finding myself, it's something I need to question. I have recently lost weight, and it wasn't until I threw 99% of my wardrobe out the other day just how MUCH it was. I still have a long journey on that end, but it has lit a fire to keep it going.
However, as my body gets closer to my goal in weight, I find myself in a twist because, on one hand it's an amazing change... and that makes me beyond euphoric on its own.. yet I still find myself wishing I was more feminine than what I find. There is a lot more thought going into it, of course, but this is about themost concrete point I've reached yet. I don't quite feel like either gender at the moment, but that the binary does still fit. Due to some recent self realizations since beginning to type this, I'm beginning to realize that a dysphoria with my penis might be the cause to a lot of my discomfort when I am being intimate. I've come to realize I never really had an attachment to it, even though a part of me still feels that it is Male. It has only ever been a source of release at any point in my life, and I've only ever felt of it as being in the way of things.
With that, I'm realizing just how obverse I really was at the time with being a top. I should have spoken out that I just wasn't enjoying myself. I enjoyed what I made my partner feel, and what that made me feel, but I want so much more... and my body currently just doesn't match what I want to be able to give.
So, I guess, welcome to the confusion tumble I find myself in now. Tangled between two beautiful souls, and building myself anew. I guess my next major step should definitely be finding a therapist.
So hi, I'm a 33 year old AMAB person. I'm very recently questioning my sexual identity, and trying to figure myself out some still, but can confidently say that a part of me still feels male, but am discovering that
I live with a wife and partner of 15 years now, a trans woman, who I have been with through her own journey of discovery. She finds herself not particularly attracted to men herself. We've been open to poly relationships, but have only for a short few months become a full polycule. She recently landed a like-minded girlfriend and in doing so has found her feet again in life! It has been a balm on my heart seeing her so full of life, and being blessed to be a part of that. She and I have referred to each other as platonic boyfriend/girlfriend so far, and romantic girlfriend when referring to between them, and as they still know me as fully male, we're just husband and wife still. We're figuring out dynamics, but it couldn't be going better.
It took our first triple date together to break me out of my own stupor. I thought I was living my life and happy... but i never realized how unhappy I truly was still, until that night.. the music, the dancing, the smiles, the love all around made me how much I'm missing out on still. My wife and I never got a chance to date in the normal sense, it started online and overseas.
With the recent free time to look after myself in life, I began a journey to get in touch with myself, as I had completely lost myself in trying to set our lives up. That one is still ongoing, to a degree, but I also have a whole new side of me I may have never given myself a chance to know.
I've always been a bottom, in the sense of being on the receiving end of things intimately, but became a service top for most of my wife's journey, until she rediscovered herself as a dominant top. I was more than happy to take up the new role, but a lack of attraction stopped her at first. She does not find the male form attractive herself, but still finds a very intimate attraction in the love I show her. And I'm now discovering not just how much I suppressed being a bottom and sub over a decade of service... so we're finally accepting our switch in roles more fully. Which has led me, I guess, to start to wonder about myself.
And to round off is the hardest topic for me to type out. I've never questioned my own gender, never felt like I had to... but to be fair to myself in this journey of finding myself, it's something I need to question. I have recently lost weight, and it wasn't until I threw 99% of my wardrobe out the other day just how MUCH it was. I still have a long journey on that end, but it has lit a fire to keep it going.
However, as my body gets closer to my goal in weight, I find myself in a twist because, on one hand it's an amazing change... and that makes me beyond euphoric on its own.. yet I still find myself wishing I was more feminine than what I find. There is a lot more thought going into it, of course, but this is about the
With that, I'm realizing just how obverse I really was at the time with being a top. I should have spoken out that I just wasn't enjoying myself. I enjoyed what I made my partner feel, and what that made me feel, but I want so much more... and my body currently just doesn't match what I want to be able to give.
So, I guess, welcome to the confusion tumble I find myself in now. Tangled between two beautiful souls, and building myself anew. I guess my next major step should definitely be finding a therapist.
