Hello, welcome. Bienvenue!
What the others said is wise. Especially when you are first starting out with ethical non-monogamy, or polyamory, a triad is almost bound to fail.
This is going to sound harsh, and you may not like it, or you may not believe me. But you can read threads that reflect this all over the board. (We've been here since 2009; there are a LOT of stories of failed triads here.)
BTW, I am non-binary and pansexual; my gf Pixi is transfemale and pansexual; my bf Aries is cis (mostly), polyamorous/polysexual, and heteroflexible; my gf's bf Malachi is pansexual, technically polyamorous (although he doesn't date others) and cis; Aries's other gf Sadie is straight, cis and married to another man. She's more of a swinger than polyamorous.
We keep all of our relationships separate. It is MUCH less complicated that way. However, Malachi and I are friends, Aries is friends with my gf Pixi, and has met Malachi more than once. We occasionally hang out as a group, mostly on holidays. I have not met Arie's other gf Sadie,, but she lives over an hour away and it's not convenient.
This is a fairly typical polyamorous network. You could call it "Garden Party Polyamory."
Pixi and I, years ago, tried different kinds of group sex, casual sex, sharing partners between us, etc., but it's never worked out. It's just confusing, who feels what for whom. Are you in love with some, FWBs (friends with benefits, not sure what you'd call it in French) with others? What if you have a one-off threeway or fourway sex thing and it goes all pear-shaped and wonky, and people feel left out, get jealous? (That happened to Pixi and me more than once. Ugh.)
So, Pixi and I stopped experimenting with all that years ago.
Many people (couples) new to ENM or polyamory imagine they will find a "unicorn" who will magically love each of them exactly equally, and they will love her exactly equally, and every sex session will be threeways, and everyone will be in the mood for sex or a date at the same time, always. They will peacefully share a bed, have sex every night, wake up refreshed and happy. Can you not see how unrealistic this is? It's a mere fantasy.
The mainstream media pushes this idea, of a couple "adding a third," because it's usually depicted as the male fantasy of FMF, one guy and two women in bed. This is sensationalized, and does not reflect reality. (Even in these media fantasies, it usually goes down in flames.)
What you and gf seem to think you want is a "prescribed" triad, where you SEEK a person who is into trying that, and it all just elegantly falls into place. Trust me, that never happens.
The only time triads work is when it goes something like this:
You start dating Anais. You are dating your current partner (call her Juliette). Anais and you are doing well. You introduce her to Juliette. Anais spends a lot of time at your flat. She becomes platonic friends with Juliette. Eventually they seem to become attracted to each other. You all discuss in great detail whether it would be wise to form a triad. You work out rules about time sharing, sex, what to do if only two people want a date or sex. After all, you probably want to continue one-on-one dates and sex with Juliette, right?
(Many of us might remember the Paris Olympics opening scene a couple years ago, where three happy young things meet in a library and immediately head to a flat for sex. Oh those French and their suave menages a trois! How often does that really happen, successfully, beyond one or two sexual flings? The French are human. You don't actually have super powers haha)
What if Anais has another partner? What if you do, or Juliette does? How do they fit in? Or do you decide to be "poly-fidelitous," only with the three of you, forever?
Now what? Maybe it's good for a while, during the infatuation phase (aka New Relationship Energy, or NRE). It's all exciting, new, thrilling, sexy.
Then, after three months, or a year, NRE wears off, with one person or another, or all three of you at once. Reality sets in. Your rose-colored glasses come off. You see the real people, warts and all, learn their annoying little habits, or maybe even mental illnesses, family issues, bad housekeeping, poor money management, busy work/school schedules, drug or alcohol habits, poor communication skills, annoying friends, etc. You try living together, but one person can't be counted on; she cheats, lies or steals. Maybe you all continue along, talking everything over whenever there is an issue. Or maybe someone turns out to really hate this, and leaves. Maybe Anais and Juliette become a new couple, and you're left out! This can and does happen, especially with young people just out of adolescence.
Resources on polyamory, every kind of issue and problem, here:
