new to poly need advice

[Wiccan87]

So I've been living with my wife for 6 years married for 2 with 2 kids we recently found out that we had to move (3 months or so ago) and was in a tight spot already financially so a good friend of my wife's offered to help us by letting us have the basement. He has known her for 20 years or so and have at times been lovers and he had been asking me for a free pass for about a month prior to this I realized just how much my wife still loved him so I said yes but mentioned that with us moving in with him that they weren't asking for just a one-time deal so we opened the marriage with rules with certain circumstances it opened a lot faster than i had planned and the rules were never even explained to him and now my wife is even going so far as only every other night even in same bed from the rules saying not even while I am home kinda expected to be more open than the rules but my wife doesn't seem to understand that i am feeling hurt and jealous even though I have tried to talk to her about it just to explain how far I am going here to give her what she wants and needs I opened the marriage even though I have only ever slept with her i my entire life (29 yo) no I don't want to close the marriage back up but I do need some help and support with her and from her any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

[IndieSolo]

Wow, how did you write all that with almost no punctuation???!!! One period and that was it.


Anyway, I think the only thing to do is sit all three of you down together and talk about what each of you needs and wants, and what makes you uncomfortable. Come up with boundaries and some sort of agreement, but don't make rules. Find ways to compromise. But it won't happen if you don't all talk about it!

And get the idea out of your head that you gave him permission (hall pass) to be with her. You don't own your wife, she's not a piece of property.

 

[RiverGoddess]

Ooof, that would be scary and hard. I can imagine it would definitely feel like it's moving really fast and a bit overwhelming.

I would let them both know that you are not looking to close the relationship or tell them that they can't sleep together, but that right now, you just need to move slow. You need time to adjust! That is totally healthy. It's a lot to open a marriage and if one partner gets carried away in NRE (New Relationship Energy), it can leave the other feeling hurt or left behind.

Maybe ask them to just take a break for a few (days, weeks, whatever you think you need) so that you can process and have time to adjust. Maybe read the books "Opening Up" or "More than Two" with your wife (and maybe give a copy to her lover, too?)

Decide what is okay and not okay for you, what your boundaries are, and make sure they are clearly stated to both parties. For example, if you don't want them having sex in your bed, or when you are home, then you need to be very honest about that.

Are you already living in his basement?? I would find that very hard, and sounds like a recipe for disaster if people aren't treading lightly and taking lots of care of each other's feelings. It might be easier to navigate the newly open marriage if you guys find a different living situation, and she sees him in a bit more of a toned-down way.

Good luck, that sounds really difficult, and even the most experienced of poly folks might have their heads spinning on that one. I hope that they are willing to relax in their intensity and slow down (for you, and for them!)

 

[tenK]

There's something a little bit 'eww' about this situation, in the sense that his offer to let you guys move in seems transactional - would he have offered if you and your wife were NOT interested in opening your marriage? I think you are in a shitty situation. Being financially dependent on him does not make for a balanced power dynamic when negotiating boundaries, for you or your wife. You need to find out why your wife did not explain the boundaries you and she had agreed upon to him. Is it because she did not in fact actually WANT to agree to those, or is she being coerced/feeling like she has to go by his rules since he is putting a roof over the family's head? In any case, what are your plans for moving out? Do you have a timeline in place? Can you source alternative accommodation for you and the kids, should that become necessary? It will be easier to have a boundary of 'no sex while I'm at home' if you are not all living together. However, I'm more worried by the fact that you don't seem to entirely want to be poly for your own sake, but for your wife and possibly for financial reasons. As other posters have said, you don't get to control your wife - she is not your property - but you also don't have to agree to be in a relationship (open or closed) with her if it's not something you really want to be involved in or she's not treating you well.

 

[MrFarFromRight]

Hi and welcome to the forum!

1st point. As nycindie has implied, if you'd break up your post into sentences, even paragraphs (and leave a line of space between the paragraphs) it would make it easier on the eyes -> easier to understand -> easier for us to give you advice.

Can of worms! Your choice of user name, Wiccan87, makes me think that you're willing to step way out of the norm and consider very alternative relationships with the world around you. All very good.

I imagine (but don't assume) that your wife is like-minded. Maybe your friend as well.

This could possibly lead to them thinking that ANY restrictions are "going against nature" or "politically incorrect".

But you're uncomfortable with the speed of the events. You also think that certain agreements have been violated.

I can imagine that your wife and her boyfriend might accuse you of not being alternative enough. That the prtoblem is yours.

I suggest that you consider showing them this thread, showing them that people with experience in polyamory are agreed that agreements must be made (and stuck by), hesitations and doubts must be respected, the dangers of NRE should taken seriously. All 3 of you could surf the site. There are wiccan groups here, there are threads about NRE, there's a page of definition of terms...

Nobody should be pressured into going further (or faster) than they are comfortable with.

I add my voice to those a bit leery of your living arrangements. Living in his house might make you feel that you owe it to him to accept his conditions. And/or it might make him feel that. And/or your wife.

You're 29yo and this man has known your wife for 20 years or so. Were they at primary school together or are they (or one of them) much older than you? This can also have an influence on the dynamics of your triangle.

No matter what (if any) age difference, no matter what difference in financial standing, you have an equal right for your feelings (positive and negative) to be taken seriously.

If you've made an agreement with your wife and she breaks it, that is not on! If she doesn't like it or has "grown past it", she needs to discuss it with you and (perhaps) reach a new agreement.

It's true what others have written: you don't own your wife (but you knew that), you can't impose your rules on her (but you haven't), but you BOTH (and your friend) need to work together to reach an understanding that you're all [more or less: some give-and-take will be necessary] comfortable with.

Unless you're all [willingly] into the dominant-submissive scene, you should all stand on an equal footing.

I hope that helps.
You are not alone.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are struggling.

The living arrangements add to the stress -- it's going from "Closed" to "Living with her BF" really quick without going through the "Living Apart and Dating" stage. If he's also the landlord -- it's a weird dynamic.

my wife doesn't seem to understand that i am feeling hurt and jealous even though I have tried to talk to her about it

Could stop talking about feelings and focus on BEHAVIOR.

What behavior does she do/not do that bothers you? What behavior would you like instead? Have you asked her for this new behavior? Is it reasonable and rational? Is she willing to do it?

Perhaps communicating more directly and asking for new behavior can help? Sometimes talking about feelings is helpful, sometimes it becomes this side trip thing.

I don't want to close the marriage back up but I do need some help and support with her

Could reading poly hell together help?

Some tips on how to communicate?

Here's more reading "hubs"

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

https://www.morethantwo.com

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

If whatever rules are not working? Ask to talk about changing them so they consider all of you and CAN be kept, and so ALL of you are on the same page. Request a time to talk.

"We made some initial agreements. I see you are not sticking to them. Perhaps they are not working and need updating. I don't want to Close, but I do need to be able to trust in you Word.

When you say one thing and then do another, believing in you Word is hard for me. I would like to believe in your Word.

Could we three please sit down and talk about updating agreements so that ALL 3 people's needs are met enough, and everyone feels good enough and safe enough participating in this? Right now I am feeling taken for granted and unheard."

Some growing pains are to be expected. Growth takes one beyond the previous comfort zone and that stretch can feel weird. The "old normal" is gone, but the "new normal" has not yet arrived. It's a transitional space.

Talking it out so people are on the same page and keep expectations realistic so you are all in the "Comfortably uncomfortable" zone rather than the "I am in hell" place might be good to do.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Wiccan87,

Your wife needs to slow down and she needs to explain to your friend the rules you agreed on. I suggest you show her what's written in this thread so that she knows it's not just you saying it.

Good luck,
Kevin T.