New to poly, partner's behaviour feels like a red flag

[insomni-oh-no]

Hi. This is my first post here. I'm new to the whole scene in general, so please be gentle with me. Myself (M44) and my partner (F40) had a threesome with a friend of mine (M49) about 2 and half years ago. It was really fun and we decided to do it again. One thing led to another and they started a FWB kind of relationship. I was happy for her to get the time out to do some fun sexy stuff.

Over time, the relationship developed and they have professed their love for each other. My partner has stated she has no interest in leaving me for him, but that she does feel very strongly about him.

Sorry, I'm not sure how to word all this, so, I'll just blurt it out...

I feel like I'm being used to be the stable father, provider, and friend. We pay the bills and look after our child. Meanwhile, he is the sexual part. Since starting, it feels like all the flirty exciting sex has been taken from me and is now provided by him. We still have sex, but it is not the same. She wont instigate it with me and goes about it in a very boring, transactional kind of way. With him, she can't keep her hands of him, will text him and tell him she's thinking about him, etc. When they sext she will be very involved and expressive, whereas with me I'll get a smiley face emoji or similar. If I bring it up, she pretty much gaslights me.

She talks about him all the time and sees him as much as possible, to the point where it affecting running the house and raising the kid. This causes issues because he is a classic abusive partner... nothing physical, but playing mind games and manipulating her to get his way, etc. When I've brought this up, she says she knows, but it's okay because she has me.

I'm confident that she has no plans to leave me for him, but I can't go on in a relationship where my partner seems to no longer fancy me and has no problem blatantly flirting and being intimate with my friend. If I ask, she says she still fancies me, but her actions don't match what she says. It's honestly amazing to see the affect he has on her.

Sorry, this isn't making a lot of sense. There is so much I could write but it all boils down to, simply, my partner doesn't seem to fancy me anymore, and is completely head over heels for my abusive, alcoholic friend.

We have a 5-year old son and a house. We've been together 8 years but have known each other for about 17 years. I love her deeply. I always felt that the feeling was mutual until we started opening up our relationship. Breaking up is the last thing I want to do, but my mental health is more important than anything, excepting the safety and happiness of our son.

So... yeah. Any advice? Please ask me anything you'd like to know. Thanks.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi and welcome.

How long has your wife been dating this guy? She's obviously infatuated, wearing rose-colored glasses and feeling obsessed. This is common in new and sexy relationships. We call it "new relationship energy." You can search that term using our search feature to read more about how people have handled it.

You say he's your friend, but you know he is "abusive and alcoholic," and yet had this sexual threeway, and then encouraged your wife to actually date the guy one-on-one. I am not sure why those choices were made, or why you'd even be friends with someone with those characteristics, especially with a child and a house and stability of your own. Maybe being working people and parents seemed boring, so you guys thought bringing this "bad boy" into the mix would be exciting? And yes, she does find it exciting. But you find it dangerous.

People new to poly often get swept up in the afore-mentioned NRE, and neglect the older partner in favor of the new. This really really hurts. I went through that in my first attempt at polyamory with my ex-h a long time ago. His new gf could do no wrong, and he started just treating me like a servant, a housekeeper, neglecting our three children, etc. He did still let his sexual excitement over his new gf spill onto me, which is another way it can go. Sometimes this can be fun, and other times it just makes you feel like a stand-in for the one your partner would prefer to be with.

I know you don't want to break up, but if she refuses to see reason, sometimes going through with a separation, splitting finances, insisting on couples counseling, and things like that, are the only way to get any leverage.

 

[insomni-oh-no]

Thanks for your reply. He's been a friend for a while. He plays drums in my band. I felt comfortable enough with him to do the threesome stuff, but I didn't want that to become the relationship that it has. My partner threatened me with a break up if I refused it. (There's more to that story, but that is the abridged version). The abusiveness only became apparent later. He isn't a bad boy. I do care about him as a friend, but his behaviour towards people, and especially my partner, is not acceptable.

The relationship has been going on for almost 3 and a half years now. It was mostly threesome stuff at first. but it is now much more about them.
I realise as I type this that it sounds awful, and I should call them out and end the relationship. There are things I haven't said that would reinforce this stance, too.

I really want to avoid that, and I don't mind the premise of polyamory. But my needs are being ignored and belittled, whilst they push for more and more.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello insomni-oh-no,

It sounds like your partner is caught up in NRE for her new partner (your friend and metamour). She either does this unconsciously, or doesn't want to be bothered by you. You are a convenience to her, not a partner. This is not okay, and you are not going crazy, what you are observing with her is what's actually happening. I'd say try to reason with her, but she doesn't seem to be listening to you. You do not want to break up with her, and she isn't going to change her behavior, so what's left is for you to "get okay" with what she's doing. I'm very sorry about that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[nks]

Hi! Sorry to hear about your struggles. Unfortunately, some people are not really polyamorous, but more like serial monogamists. Once they have their new relationship, they neglect the old. I'm not saying this is the case though, but I had an open relationship where my gf actually just wanted a new bf. While she kept saying she loved me, there was not much real expression of that. I knew she did, but there were many obstacles and she just wanted someone else, easier and closer at hand. The positive was that I met a lot of amazing women in that open relationship.

I guess what you can do at this point is to start getting closer to other women (men?) too. You don't need to end the relationship, but perhaps you can balance it. Sometimes you can have different kinds of relationships, where one is more like a close familial bond, the other like a lover with lots of sex, or best friends, or platonic romance. There are many possibilities. Perhaps it is fine not to have sex with your wife, once you both have others for that, and then create a different kind of connection. Hope you can find a good solution.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi! Sorry to hear about your struggles. Unfortunately, some people are not really polyamorous, but more like serial monogamists. Once they have their new relationship, they neglect the old. I'm not saying this is the case though, but I had an open relationship where my gf actually just wanted a new bf. While she kept saying she loved me, there was not much real expression of that. I knew she did...

Something similar happened to me with my ex-h. After fantasizing about sexual threesomes for a while, my h kinda pressured me into making that a reality, so that I could express my bisexual side (and he could have some hot sex action with two attractive women, after 20 years of being with just me). I wasn't sure I wanted to make the fantasy a reality, but I sort of let him sexually hypnotize me. He/we had a friend who said she was interested. Turns out she wasn't interested in me, she just wanted him. And my ex was mono. Once he fell for her, he fell out of love with me, while still claiming to "love" me in some kind of way. And he still wanted to bang me, because, the more the merrier. Anyway... that was a long time ago (2000).

I guess what you can do at this point is to start getting closer to other women (men?) too. You don't need to end the relationship, but perhaps you can balance it. Sometimes you can have different kinds of relationships, where one is more like a close familial bond, the other like a lover with lots of sex, or best friends, or platonic romance. There are many possibilities. Perhaps it is fine not to have sex with your wife, once you both have others for that, and then create a different kind of connection. Hope you can find a good solution.

I wouldn't recommend wallpapering over the current issue with the distraction of insomni seeking others to begin dating. I believe in being clean and clear of marital issues as much as possible before dragging some unsuspecting new person into the mix.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for your reply. He's been a friend for a while. He plays drums in my band. I felt comfortable enough with him to do the threesome stuff,

Are you guys bi? If you are, are you envious of your wife's ongoing sex with your friend, while you're not getting any from her right now? You could be envious of both of them, or jealous of him getting sex from her, while you're not.

but I didn't want that to become the relationship that it has. My partner threatened me with a breakup if I refused it.

Well! If this goes on in this fashion, you might be headed for divorce anyway, if this is all she's willing to put into the marriage, the house, and parenting, even now, after 3+ years of being with this guy! Basically, she checked out after your child turned 2? That's cold. I wouldn't stand for it.

(There's more to that story, but that is the abridged version). The abusiveness only became apparent later. He isn't a bad boy. I do care about him as a friend, but his behaviour towards people, and especially my partner, is not acceptable.

Well, it's acceptable to her, but it sounds like, not to you. You don't feel like he's your friend anymore. And your wife is not acting like a wife. You can look at the "poly hell" article for more:

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

The relationship has been going on for almost 3 and a half years now. It was mostly threesome stuff at first. but it is now much more about them.
I realise as I type this that it sounds awful, and I should call them out and end the relationship.

Well, you can't end their relationship. Even if you and she agreed on a veto way back when, if you use it (as I did when my ex-h fell for his gf), it might not do what you want it to do. You'd be thwarting the lovers, and they'd probably just keep on keeping on, sneaking and cheating. Better would be to start divorce proceedings, and set up proper child custody and support, etc. I'm sorry this has gotten so dire.

There are things I haven't said that would reinforce this stance, too.

I really want to avoid that, and I don't mind the premise of polyamory. But my needs are being ignored and belittled, whilst they push for more and more.

Polyamory is based on mutual respect, sharing of time, responsibilities, etc. This is not polyamory. She is not showing you her love (if any really exists anymore).

 

[nks]

I wouldn't recommend wallpapering over the current issue with the distraction of insomni seeking others to begin dating. I believe in being clean and clear of marital issues as much as possible before dragging some unsuspecting new person into the mix.

Agreed. My suggestion applies only if these are taken care of. Especially, if you are not in an open marriage on your side, then you need to address things properly first.

 

[insomni-oh-no]

Thanks for your replies... Lots to think about