New to Poly Relationships, Looking for Advice
- Thread starter Drakkaras
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IndieSolo
Active member
WOWEE!!
Welcome, G (if you're still reading)!
It is obvious that each of you are proceeding with as much kindness, caring, and consideration for everyone as you can, while managing feelings that can make you giddy/nervous/excited/nauseous/like you're on a thrill ride...
Good work.
And hey, it's already a week into April (almost).
Welcome, G (if you're still reading)!
It is obvious that each of you are proceeding with as much kindness, caring, and consideration for everyone as you can, while managing feelings that can make you giddy/nervous/excited/nauseous/like you're on a thrill ride...
Good work.
And hey, it's already a week into April (almost).
What a day... Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster...
The day was going like any other, I went into work and was talking with G via text messages. After a couple of hours, I get a message from her saying that M was offered an *incredible* job opportunity. Essentially his dream job that he's been waiting on for 15 years. A nice pay increase, great benefits, etc. But... the job is in Canada...
We were both very upset. More so than I would have thought, honestly... I didn't realize how much I really loved G until I had to face the possibility of losing her. I was falling apart, and I felt like my stomach was in my throat. Why now?! Why couldn't this have happened last month before I confessed my love to G and we cemented ourselves as such an important part of each others' lives? The pity party was in full swing.
There were a lot of tears and honest emotions shared, not only between G and myself, but between G and M. I don't think M really had a full understanding of the depth of connection between G and I, and when she told him that she didn't want to leave, and that I was the reason why, he was shocked. G is not the type of person to get attached to people. She has left many serious relationships behind in the past in order to move for better work or financial opportunities. She was very honest about how she feels about me, and I think she was also surprised at how much the prospect of leaving scared her...
I had to leave the office early; I couldn't stay there and be productive when I was a total emotional wreck... I drove out to G's to see her and talk more about all of this. On my way out there, I spent some time talking to M and sharing my feelings about this development. It was a very powerful conversation. I made him cry, and he returned the favor. He said that he was considering me and my relationship with G in this huge life decision. I asked who I was to him and why he would even consider me - after all, he just met me 7 months ago. I'm a friend, but I'm not family. I'm not anyone who should be considered in this life-changing choice... He said that he is closer to me than his own brother and that I *am* family as far as he is concerned.
G and I spent the day together. It was a wonderful day, even with the threat of separation looming over our heads. We did our best not to think about that possibility, but emotions were running high and a few tears were shed between us. I had never felt closer to her. As they say, "You don't know what you have until it's gone". My world was being flipped upside down and I was kicking and screaming all along the way. The hours passed, we had some lunch, watched tv, cuddled.
That evening, M came home. The two of them talked in private for a while. When they came out, M walked over and told me that he had turned down the job...... What???? I was shocked that he had made such a snap decision. I was expecting a lot of deliberation and second guessing, not an immediate choice. And definitely not that choice... I followed him outside and questioned him about what he had done. Was he sure this is what he wanted? Why? Was it because of me? I didn't want to be the reason that he and his family missed this incredible opportunity! He made it clear that he didn't see any choice in the matter, and that there would be other jobs in the future. That he cares about me, loves me even, and that what G and I have is so incredibly important, for so many reasons. That he couldn't hurt G by making her leave me and that he wants so badly to see this work out. His actions and words on that day have removed any and all doubt in my mind that he is not equally as invested in our relationship as G and I are. I will never forget what he did...
Whew. An exhausting day, to be sure. But one that has provided such incredible opportunities for growth, for change, for closeness and connection. I do feel like a part of the the family. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. My world was flipped upside down, but maybe that's what it took for me to see things as they really are. I love G, unequivocally, and I have hope that we will see the other side of all of this in time.
The day was going like any other, I went into work and was talking with G via text messages. After a couple of hours, I get a message from her saying that M was offered an *incredible* job opportunity. Essentially his dream job that he's been waiting on for 15 years. A nice pay increase, great benefits, etc. But... the job is in Canada...
We were both very upset. More so than I would have thought, honestly... I didn't realize how much I really loved G until I had to face the possibility of losing her. I was falling apart, and I felt like my stomach was in my throat. Why now?! Why couldn't this have happened last month before I confessed my love to G and we cemented ourselves as such an important part of each others' lives? The pity party was in full swing.
There were a lot of tears and honest emotions shared, not only between G and myself, but between G and M. I don't think M really had a full understanding of the depth of connection between G and I, and when she told him that she didn't want to leave, and that I was the reason why, he was shocked. G is not the type of person to get attached to people. She has left many serious relationships behind in the past in order to move for better work or financial opportunities. She was very honest about how she feels about me, and I think she was also surprised at how much the prospect of leaving scared her...
I had to leave the office early; I couldn't stay there and be productive when I was a total emotional wreck... I drove out to G's to see her and talk more about all of this. On my way out there, I spent some time talking to M and sharing my feelings about this development. It was a very powerful conversation. I made him cry, and he returned the favor. He said that he was considering me and my relationship with G in this huge life decision. I asked who I was to him and why he would even consider me - after all, he just met me 7 months ago. I'm a friend, but I'm not family. I'm not anyone who should be considered in this life-changing choice... He said that he is closer to me than his own brother and that I *am* family as far as he is concerned.
G and I spent the day together. It was a wonderful day, even with the threat of separation looming over our heads. We did our best not to think about that possibility, but emotions were running high and a few tears were shed between us. I had never felt closer to her. As they say, "You don't know what you have until it's gone". My world was being flipped upside down and I was kicking and screaming all along the way. The hours passed, we had some lunch, watched tv, cuddled.
That evening, M came home. The two of them talked in private for a while. When they came out, M walked over and told me that he had turned down the job...... What???? I was shocked that he had made such a snap decision. I was expecting a lot of deliberation and second guessing, not an immediate choice. And definitely not that choice... I followed him outside and questioned him about what he had done. Was he sure this is what he wanted? Why? Was it because of me? I didn't want to be the reason that he and his family missed this incredible opportunity! He made it clear that he didn't see any choice in the matter, and that there would be other jobs in the future. That he cares about me, loves me even, and that what G and I have is so incredibly important, for so many reasons. That he couldn't hurt G by making her leave me and that he wants so badly to see this work out. His actions and words on that day have removed any and all doubt in my mind that he is not equally as invested in our relationship as G and I are. I will never forget what he did...
Whew. An exhausting day, to be sure. But one that has provided such incredible opportunities for growth, for change, for closeness and connection. I do feel like a part of the the family. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. My world was flipped upside down, but maybe that's what it took for me to see things as they really are. I love G, unequivocally, and I have hope that we will see the other side of all of this in time.
GreenAcres
New member
I agree. This thread has been a continual source of inspiration for how to do it right.
Wow! Thank you all for all of the positive feedback and encouragement!! It means a lot to me to see folks who have more knowledge and experience practicing polyamory supporting my decisions and the way I've approached this situation.
I am very hopeful about what the future may bring
I am very hopeful about what the future may bring
Another great weekend and some steady progress made.
After being unable to make his appointments over the last month, M opened up to his therapist about his childhood trauma... She seems to think that his difficulty and aversion to G and I being physically intimate hinges on this traumatic experience and that he will be unable to move forward until he deals with it. She suggested he seek out an EMDR-certified therapist (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). A great suggestion and one I had never even considered... EMDR is an incredible treatment for trauma and I have a lot of hope that he will be able to work through that experience in a safe and supportive therapeutic environment. EMDR is also known to work fairly quickly, when it works, and very possibly could lead to a huge leap forward for M in his ability to feel comfortable with us. Staying hopeful! He seems to be genuinely excited about the treatment, and though he is scared (as would be expected), he is also hopeful...
G and I spent a wonderful day together. Cooked together, drove her daughter to a birthday party, got ready for a game night we were having later that evening with friends. I'm finding that I really enjoy the "family" aspect of this relationship... Much more than I ever thought I would. I don't have any children of my own, and honestly, I have always shied away from the idea out of fear I would be like my own parents... But I love those kids like they were my own, and I love to see them smile and have fun. And any time I get to spend with G alone is incredible. She's magnetic, I can't stop thinking about her and the longing for physical connection is overwhelming, on both sides... We've behaved up to this point, and will no doubt continue to do so, but we are having a lot of fun pushing the limits of what we can and can't do. It's all very fun and exciting! She found a few of my buttons.... hehe <3
After being unable to make his appointments over the last month, M opened up to his therapist about his childhood trauma... She seems to think that his difficulty and aversion to G and I being physically intimate hinges on this traumatic experience and that he will be unable to move forward until he deals with it. She suggested he seek out an EMDR-certified therapist (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). A great suggestion and one I had never even considered... EMDR is an incredible treatment for trauma and I have a lot of hope that he will be able to work through that experience in a safe and supportive therapeutic environment. EMDR is also known to work fairly quickly, when it works, and very possibly could lead to a huge leap forward for M in his ability to feel comfortable with us. Staying hopeful! He seems to be genuinely excited about the treatment, and though he is scared (as would be expected), he is also hopeful...
G and I spent a wonderful day together. Cooked together, drove her daughter to a birthday party, got ready for a game night we were having later that evening with friends. I'm finding that I really enjoy the "family" aspect of this relationship... Much more than I ever thought I would. I don't have any children of my own, and honestly, I have always shied away from the idea out of fear I would be like my own parents... But I love those kids like they were my own, and I love to see them smile and have fun. And any time I get to spend with G alone is incredible. She's magnetic, I can't stop thinking about her and the longing for physical connection is overwhelming, on both sides... We've behaved up to this point, and will no doubt continue to do so, but we are having a lot of fun pushing the limits of what we can and can't do. It's all very fun and exciting! She found a few of my buttons.... hehe <3
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graviton
New member
I guess I'm not sure how these past traumatic experiences have anything to do with his discomfort love you having physical relations with his wife. It's good that he's getting them dealt with but there are many people that have no such experiences that still do not like the thought of someone touching their spouse. I think these past experiences are being used as a crutch or an excuse and diverts the attention away from simple jealousy and insecurity. What really needs to happen is he needs to understand that he has to be selfless and only think of what his wife wants and what makes her happy, even if he is not the source of that happiness, and also perhaps lose some of his ownership of his spouse which is perhaps the most difficult for any married couple.
The nature of his childhood trauma has a lot to do with why he becomes so irrational and emotional about the idea of his wife with another man. He has been very candid with me about his past experiences, and I totally understand how the two are related. I don't think it is social conditioning, per se, as he is not a traditional "manly man" type of guy. He's very sensitive, writes poetry, and is a romantic at heart. He wants this to work, and he wants to see G and I happy. He just needs to get past these violent and impulsive feelings that appear when he imagines it happening... one way or another...
M has set up his first appointment for EMDR therapy, in a week from today... He seems very hopeful about it and appears ready to tackle the issues at hand. I sincerely hope he has a positive experience, not just for the sake of my relationship with G, but also for him as a friend. This has been holding him back for a long time (G has been pushing for the ability to pursue relationships with other men for about 10 years now), and it's important that he makes this effort to face his trauma and take the power away from it.
M has also made some very explicit sexual jokes and references to the future recently that neither G nor I expected any time soon. That has been... promising.
G is getting frustrated with waiting. She is a physically expressive person who feels her emotions very strongly (I can relate), and is much better at demonstrating her affections through physical touch and sexual intimacy than she is with words. She has been holding back for a very long time now, and it's becoming very difficult for her. There was some impassioned cuddling going on last time I visited her, and had we had the ability to, there is no doubt in my mind that we would have had sex then and there... The desire is there, the familiarity is there, the attraction is overwhelming. I can see this thing going one of two ways; either M finishes his treatment and we have our "meeting" about opening boundaries at the end of May, or G and I become too impatient and lustful that we just cannot wait any longer and go for it. I don't want to see option #2 happen. I have self-control, I have the rational thought to know that this would only damage things, but I am also a human being. I feel such love for this woman that it takes everything in my power not to scoop her up and kiss her all over every time I see her. I hope our patience can prevail.
In other news, my wife and her partner, B, had sex for the first time. This is the first time my wife has been with another man since we started dating about 10 years ago. I consented to this happening and had no issue with it. But unfortunately, my wife misunderstood my request to wait until they had both received STD test results back, and went ahead with it before I was mentally prepared. It was a rough day and a lot of emotion and tears shed when I found out, but we have recovered and she now understands the importance of seeking clarification and open discussion if she feels unsure about anything at all before moving forward. I don't know if I can take another (unintentional) breach of trust like that But I'm happy for the two of them. I'm happy to see that the world is still turning and that she and I are no different with each other than we had always been.
M has set up his first appointment for EMDR therapy, in a week from today... He seems very hopeful about it and appears ready to tackle the issues at hand. I sincerely hope he has a positive experience, not just for the sake of my relationship with G, but also for him as a friend. This has been holding him back for a long time (G has been pushing for the ability to pursue relationships with other men for about 10 years now), and it's important that he makes this effort to face his trauma and take the power away from it.
M has also made some very explicit sexual jokes and references to the future recently that neither G nor I expected any time soon. That has been... promising.
G is getting frustrated with waiting. She is a physically expressive person who feels her emotions very strongly (I can relate), and is much better at demonstrating her affections through physical touch and sexual intimacy than she is with words. She has been holding back for a very long time now, and it's becoming very difficult for her. There was some impassioned cuddling going on last time I visited her, and had we had the ability to, there is no doubt in my mind that we would have had sex then and there... The desire is there, the familiarity is there, the attraction is overwhelming. I can see this thing going one of two ways; either M finishes his treatment and we have our "meeting" about opening boundaries at the end of May, or G and I become too impatient and lustful that we just cannot wait any longer and go for it. I don't want to see option #2 happen. I have self-control, I have the rational thought to know that this would only damage things, but I am also a human being. I feel such love for this woman that it takes everything in my power not to scoop her up and kiss her all over every time I see her. I hope our patience can prevail.
In other news, my wife and her partner, B, had sex for the first time. This is the first time my wife has been with another man since we started dating about 10 years ago. I consented to this happening and had no issue with it. But unfortunately, my wife misunderstood my request to wait until they had both received STD test results back, and went ahead with it before I was mentally prepared. It was a rough day and a lot of emotion and tears shed when I found out, but we have recovered and she now understands the importance of seeking clarification and open discussion if she feels unsure about anything at all before moving forward. I don't know if I can take another (unintentional) breach of trust like that
But I'm happy for the two of them. I'm happy to see that the world is still turning and that she and I are no different with each other than we had always been.I'd prefer to think of it as two fully grown adults controlling their own impulses for a time to show consideration and compassion towards another. It's not always better to just do what you want.
It sounds like in this situation the third is also showing them compassion and working on his side, I don't see any of it as childish.
It sounds like in this situation the third is also showing them compassion and working on his side, I don't see any of it as childish.
Graviton, I appreciate your point and believe me, I feel your frustration... But as "fucked up" and childish as it might seem, my partner and her husband made a commitment to each other when they were married, and have only altered that commitment to include female partners up to this point. I can't expect 15 years of marriage to change instantly just because she and I are in love. As Confused said, we are controlling our impulses, for a time. We have a clear time frame in mind for how long we will wait before proceeding, and M is fully aware of the time we have offered him to work on his issues. When the time comes, we will sit down and it is expected that boundaries will loosen to some extent during that conversation. Again, I sincerely believe that M has as much investment in seeing this work out as G or I do. He has proven that fact many times over so far.
graviton
New member
I understand what that commitment means having been married for 19 years myself. But I also understand that they have chosen to step outside the bounds of monogamy and saw fit to have sex with other women. And now he has a wife and a friend who are head over heels in love with each other and want to consummate that love in a physical sense. He is the only thing that is preventing it, and it will either happen in which case I believe he is far better off to rip the bandaid off quickly then to slowly peel it off, or it won't happen, in which case he is an enormous hypocrite and control freak and will break his wife's heart. I understand that he is in a difficult situation, the path forward is to let go of the reigns and stop torturing everybody including himself by over analyzing it.
I don't disagree... He does tend to obsess and agonize by constantly thinking and worrying about what will happen. He and I have discussed how things might move forward, and he has stated that he understands there will always be feelings of fear and uncertainty and that he will need to just push through those when the time comes. He knows there will never be a "perfect time", but we are all hoping that we can get to a "better" time in the near future so that we are all comfortable and happy with our situation. I'm not going to wait forever, and neither is G. But we are both willing to accept these limitations if it means that something great might be created by our waiting.
I'm going to give M the opportunity to go through therapy - it's 8-9 weeks for a full treatment. As frustrating as it might be sometimes, I don't think that two more months is all that big, in the grand scheme of things. If I can trade 2 months of frustration for a potential lifetime of happiness, love, and harmony, I'd say that is definitely worth the sacrifice. Here's hoping!
I'm going to give M the opportunity to go through therapy - it's 8-9 weeks for a full treatment. As frustrating as it might be sometimes, I don't think that two more months is all that big, in the grand scheme of things. If I can trade 2 months of frustration for a potential lifetime of happiness, love, and harmony, I'd say that is definitely worth the sacrifice. Here's hoping!
IndieSolo
Active member
Frankly, if a partner of mine saw every misunderstanding between us as a breach of trust, I would question why I am with someone who is going to lean toward such black-and-white melodrama. Furthermore, how would she know you were not "mentally prepared" yet? These changes in the dynamics of your marriage and your relationships have been such a huge part of your life and you have been working at it, looking at the issues, and totally involved with the process for quite some time now. How could you not be mentally prepared, when you knew it was inevitable? And what would that look like to her, if you didn't state explicitly that you were not mentally prepared yet? Was she supposed to read your mind?In other news, my wife and her partner, B, had sex for the first time. This is the first time my wife has been with another man since we started dating about 10 years ago. I consented to this happening and had no issue with it. But unfortunately, my wife misunderstood my request to wait until they had both received STD test results back, and went ahead with it before I was mentally prepared. It was a rough day and a lot of emotion and tears shed when I found out, but we have recovered and she now understands the importance of seeking clarification and open discussion if she feels unsure about anything at all before moving forward. I don't know if I can take another (unintentional) breach of trust like that
Perhaps you placed blame and indulged a bit in feeling hurt as an escape from the discomfort, but I don't think that kind of "victim" viewpoint is going to help your marriage and relationships.
Good. This is where you need to place your focus.
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Nycindie, I appreciate your frankness. However, it was made abundantly clear (from my perspective) to my wife that I wanted both of them to be cleared of any communicable diseases before they had sex for the first time. I don't feel that is an unreasonable request, given the circumstances. I don't agree with the sentiment that I'm being melodramatic in this case, because it was clearly defined and communicated beforehand. The misunderstanding came about due to a misinterpreted phrase I had said earlier in the evening. Rather than clarifying with me (she has since stated that it seemed very unusual and out of character for me, and that she was confused) when she sensed confusion, she took that as consent on my part and went ahead. At this point, I've come to terms with what happened and they have spent nights together since. It's no longer an issue, and as I said, I am happy for the two of them. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of their ability to express their affections freely, in a manner I am currently unable to, but I remain hopeful regarding my own situation as well.