New to Poly Relationships, Looking for Advice

I didn't mean that wanting the test results and feeling better about safety was melodramatic (they are using condoms, I assume?), but -- to me -- viewing a misunderstanding as a "breach of trust" seemed a bit over the top to me, as did your having stated that you didn't think you could handle another so-called breach of trust again. That just seemed like a bit of escapist mentality - you were uncomfortable, thought she should have known you weren't yet prepared for it mentally, and didn't like that, so therefore you saw your trust as having been breached. Sounds harsh, and a bit misplaced, to me. Maybe it's just how the term "breach of trust" sounds to me -- so devastating and horrible.

Human beings don't always understand each other even when we think we are being very, very clear. I think we have to allow room for mistakes to be made when testing new waters. I truly am very happy for you that you got past that issue and are feeling compersion for her now, and are not tangled up in any kind of "I don't have, so she can't have" competitive nonsense. I just wanted to point out something that really stood out to me about what you wrote, and posted my previous message sincerely in the spirit of helpfulness.
 
Nycindie,

Thank you for clarifying your earlier post. I apologize if I came across as defensive. I am just doing everything in my power to approach this new situation with knowledge, understanding, and compassion and doing my best to ensure there are as few problems as possible. I recognize that these things will still happen regardless of my efforts or intentions, but I felt a little discredited when I read your previous post. I appreciate your suggestions very much and I look forward to having more to share in the future :)

And yes, they are using condoms!
 
I had a very similar thing happen when Roger first started having sex with Taylor. I had said that I felt more comfortable with them using condoms; he thought that I meant so long as the STI tests came back clean, I had no problems with them fluid bonding. It was a very hard thing for me to understand that this was not a breach of trust, but rather a "communication fuck-up" (in our terms). Afterward, I asked him not to act on any "grey areas" in the future - to please clarify what I meant if he was not sure, and I took more responsibility in being clear and direct with what my boundaries were as I was in the process of stretching (temporary boundaries, I might add). So I get where you're coming from. Growing pains, I suppose.

I do want to voice my support in how you have been handling all this. I can't imagine how hard it must be to limit what physical contact you have with G, but I think you are a strong person for waiting until M is (or is not) ready for the next step. It feels like quite a different thing that they are opening their relationship, rather than starting as open, and I admire your patience in moving at the pace that he is comfortable with (or rather, right outside of the comfort zone, where growth occurs). It sounds quite promising, and I'll look forward to hearing updates about you and your wife's journeys. :)
 
It's been a while since I posted anything about my situation. The main reason for this was that not only had my partner (G) stumbled across the thread while browsing the forum, but my metamour (her husband, M) had soon after used her laptop and noticed the thread open in her browser. He, of course, read the thread in its entirety. Having had any illusion of privacy dashed, I felt that this forum could no longer be a place where I felt safe to record my uncensored thoughts and feelings regarding my situation.

That being said, things have changed pretty dramatically since my last post, and I felt it prudent to update the information in this thread, in the event that someone finds it helpful or applicable to their own situation in the future.

To make a long story short, G and I have graduated to spending nights together alone. Sleeping in the same bed. Exploring our sexual relationship with (almost) no restrictions. M is still hung up on the "vaginal penetration" piece of our sexual activity, but everything else is now open to explore. M has stated he is bouncing between feeling like he should just agree to a full sexual relationship right now and feeling that he should complete his EMDR treatment related to childhood sexual abuse before taking that final step. He and I remain on good terms, for the most part.

Regardless of when that happens, G and I have been taking full advantage of these new boundaries and have had an incredible time together on the evenings we've spent alone. I feel my love for her growing more each day, and I'm finding it harder to feel content with only seeing her (privately) once every couple of weeks. I visit their home twice each week so we can all work out as a group, but there is little privacy during these visits. I miss her like crazy when she's not around... It's getting to the point where I find myself having slight panic attacks, especially at night, when I'm alone and I start to think about her. How much I miss her. How much I want to see her and be with her. How much I want to wake up next to her and see her face. It gets so bad sometimes that I can't fall asleep. I know that this will never be possible under our current relationship structure, as she has a husband who is her primary partner, and I have a wife who is my primary partner... Any advice or suggestions on how to deal with these feelings?

Finally, I want to thank everyone who was so supportive and helpful during the early stages of my relationship with G. Without the support you all offered, I don't know that I would have been able to cope with the difficulties that arose early on. Thank you.
 
Hi Drakkaras,

I think you are experiencing quite a bit of NRE with G, and the NRE is what's making it so difficult to sleep without G at night. (Do you sleep with R?) In time, the NRE will dwindle and the lonely nights will get easier. In the meantime, I know of no coping mechanism other than endurance. :(

Glad to hear things are still progressing with M. Maybe he'll eventually let G spend more nights with you?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Drakkaras,

I think you are experiencing quite a bit of NRE with G, and the NRE is what's making it so difficult to sleep without G at night. (Do you sleep with R?) In time, the NRE will dwindle and the lonely nights will get easier. In the meantime, I know of no coping mechanism other than endurance. :(

Glad to hear things are still progressing with M. Maybe he'll eventually let G spend more nights with you?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Kevin,

I do typically sleep with R in our home together, but she was out at her partner's house that evening. She spends 1-2 nights away each week. At this point, G and I are spending an evening together only once every couple of weeks... It's not as much as I'd like, but I'm just happy to have the ability to do it at all right now, given where we started.

I'm sure the NRE will lessen as time goes on, and G and I have had some good conversations today about our feelings for each other and how we want to see things go from here. I feel much better today, after opening up to her and telling her how I feel and how much I miss her. She is very reassuring and has a great deal more experience in poly relationships than I do. I would think this is another one of those "learning curves" associated with the transition from mono to poly - no matter how much I may long for her and want to be with her at a given moment, chances are good that I will not be able to. I just need to learn how to deal with these feelings on my own in between our days together, and I think everything will work out splendidly.

Thanks for the reply :)

-Drakkaras
 
No problem, it sounds like you are feeling a little better about the situation.
 
Help, poly friends! You're my only hope! :confused:

I've found myself in a sticky situation with my partner (G) and her husband (M). Assuming you haven't read the entire thread up to this point, I'll just say that G and M have been practicing a polyamorous lifestyle for the last 10 years or so. For the duration of that time, up until about 6 months ago, they were seeing women only. The "One Penis Policy", as I'm sure many of you are familiar with. After G and I met, we both realized we had a very strong attraction for one another, and the three of us (M as well) started the long and often challenging process of trying to change their relationship dynamic to accommodate another male partner for G. This is my first foray into poly relationships. I am married to my wife, R, who also has another (male) partner at this time.

Long story short, we've come quite far in the last few months. G and I have spent evenings together, alone, at my home. We've slept in the same bed. We've been sexually involved on many occasions. Our feelings for each other have continued to grow and evolve, and we are both deeply in love with one another (something neither of us have found very often in our lives up to now...). The only restriction left at this point is vaginal penetration. This is related to a traumatic sexual experience M had as a child that he is currently attempting to work through via psychotherapy and EMDR treatment. The idea of vaginal penetration "triggers" him and he has asked that we refrain until he completes treatment (approx 6 weeks or so) or has an epiphany and the thought no longer affects him so strongly.

The issue at hand is that G feels the need to share details of our time together with M, in order to make him "get used to it". She has stated that if she doesn't tell him, "it will make him feel like it's a secret." I can understand this need, and I don't have a problem with him knowing where we're going or, if we have a date planned, what activity we're going to do on said date. But she shares details of our sex life with him... This is something I'm really not comfortable with. Up to now, I've kept my opinion to myself for the most part, short of just saying "I don't understand why he wants/needs to know these things", because I was hoping that he would get over this "need" as things progressed. So much of his controlling and manipulative nature has been written off as being "related to his trauma", and while I still hold out hope that this is the case, the evidence is starting to stack up that this is just who he is. He messages her constantly when we're together, he freaks out if anything we do deviates from whatever plan he has in his mind of how our time should be spent. I'm having a very difficult time remaining hopeful that our relationship won't just be like this forever... Any suggestions, poly peeps?
 
The only thing you can do is explain that you aren't comfortable with this level of disclosure and ask her to respect your boundaries or at least tell you that she cannot. I've known of couples that require this level of knowledge in order for things to work for them. The decent ones at least tell potential partners that this is the case so they can opt out of a relationship if it exceeds their comfort zone. She may not be able to respect your boundaries and remain in a comfortable zone with her husband in which case she needs to make some tough choices.

In terms of the vaginal sex thing, again, you can only try and assert your own boundaries. You can only explain that you are not comfortable with it being off the table for the reasons that it is currently prohibited (I'm sure if she had a medical reason you'd feel differently about it) and give a deadline for when you need that restriction to be lifted. If she cannot agree to that, again, you have a tough decision to make.
 
Drakkaras said:
The issue at hand is that G feels the need to share details of our time together with M, in order to make him "get used to it". She has stated that if she doesn't tell him, "it will make him feel like it's a secret."
Click to expand...

This sounds like two conflicting sources.

On one hand, you have G FEELING the need to share details, to make him "get used to it".

Then you have a statement about HIS feeling - it will make him feel like it's a secret.

Is it really BOTH of these things? Is this all about HIM feeling like if he doesn't know, it will feel like a secret? Is it G DECIDING FOR M that M must know the details? Or is it both?

I think knowing the answer(s) to that will be helpful.



Drakkaras said:
He messages her constantly when we're together, he freaks out if anything we do deviates from whatever plan he has in his mind of how our time should be spent.
Click to expand...

This is an enormous red flag. G should not be giving M a blow-by-blow of every moment of the time you spend together. And you should absolutely NOT be beholden to following some kind of plan that M has of how you and G should spend your time together!

Were I in your shoes, I would have a serious talk with G immediately and lay down the following:

1) You are willing to keep your penis out of her vagina for X amount of time more, out of respect for M and his trauma (which I personally think smells like bullshit, but that's just me).

(also, that's assuming she's cool with that & wants your P in her V within that time frame too. If she doesn't, that's a whole other issue)

2) In the future, no more M texting constantly (and G answering) when you're together. You're all adults. You should be able to spend time with G without M knowing every single detail. M does not get to know every single detail. That is not a right that M has.

3) You are comfortable with G sharing X, Y, & Z with M. You are NOT comfortable with G sharing A, B, & C with M. Only you can decide what you're comfortable sharing. But if it doesn't jive with what M (or G) feel like M MUST know to be comfortable, then you know you're in a situation that is never going to work well, because fulfilling the needs of one person is violating the boundaries of another.

That doesn't necessarily mean that anybody is doing anything wrong, just that they have irreconcilable differences in what they need in a relationship.

Though, having made that general statement, I would say that G & M are doing a fair amount of stomping all the hell over your rights and boundaries as an autonomous person, all in the name of saving M some painful feelings, which again, I think is bullshit.
 
I completely agree that M's "trauma" has turned into a useful crutch to be used as a chastity belt on his wife. It smelled like BS from the get go. What a coincidence that he married the exact woman whose vagina is connected to his childhood trauma via heartstrings that must never be severed by a strange penis. He needs to get over needing to know your sexual interludes. It is healthy to have privacy in ANY relationship. He is no more privy to your sex life than he is to your bowel movement habits. He needs a big dose of GROW THE FUCK UP.
 
Here is my POV in case it helps you.

The issue at hand is that G feels the need to share details of our time together with M, in order to make him "get used to it".
Click to expand...

I think you have a problem with G. SHE might have a problem with M, but the one crossing your line is G when she tells co-owned data without your consent. After all, she could choose to "make him get used to" her keeping her privacy and her saying "No" when he gets overly nosy instead.

I wonder if she tries to say no and then he acts out at her so she capitulates. "You have to tell me... so I can get used to it! How can I get used to it if you don't tell me anything?!"

Like "poor lil ol me" stuff? :confused:

Not that it matters. He is HER problem, not yours. You could focus on your problem : her behaviors affecting you.

INFO OWNERSHIP

I think there is a difference between "need to know" and "want to know." Sex health labs for hygiene could be shared freely. I think that's a NEED to know so people can give full informed consent when they tango with others -- it shows their sex partner is clean, and keeping up with health and hygiene matters.

Details of when, and how, and what sex acts were performed -- that's a WANT to know/WANT to share to me. It's not necessary to know for hygiene or health reasons. Some people like hearing/sharing details like that and some do not. You seem to want to keep those private. You could say NO to G.

When you and G share sex, the people present are you and G. That means any information about that instance is co-owned by you and G. If she's telling other people things about it without your consent? That is crossing your information management boundaries. She's crossing a line.

Your current agreement seems to be "You can tell him things until the end of his 6 weeks of counseling." Which is reasonable enough. When the 6 weeks are up? That's it. You close the door. I think you could make it clear to G that you no longer give her consent to share info with M without your consent past that deadline. Make the new agreement.

Getting all up in you and G's biz forever is inappropriate. Ultimately it is not your penis going into her vagina that trips him out. It is what he THINKS about it that trips him out. The one who changes his mind is him, so he has to work on his thoughts, core beliefs, etc with the counselor. He could try to exercise some self control over his wonky thinking if it causes him discomfort. Learn to talk himself down when he's getting cranked up.

Rather than try to manage where her vagina goes or where your penis go so he doesn't think or feel anything yucky at all.

G HAVING BOUNDARIES HERSELF

He messages her constantly when we're together, he freaks out if anything we do deviates from whatever plan he has in his mind of how our time should be spent.
Click to expand...

So he acts out his fears. He also tries to control happenings because he feels a loss of control when he experiences yucky thoughts or feelings.

But who is the one answering the phone tantrum while on a date with you? G. So you have a problem with G's behavior right now. She does not say "No." She does not let it go to voice mail.

To me it sounds like he pulls the string and she goes running. You could talk to her about this.

She has stated that if she doesn't tell him, "it will make him feel like it's a secret."
Click to expand...

That's right. (Sex acts you and G choose to engage in) are a private matter between you and G. What is so horrible about that? G and M themselves will have their own things that are private -- cute jokes, how they like to share sex, and whatever else. Not the end of the world.

If M has a need to be included or be reassured, she could do it in ways that do not involve crossing the line with you. As a hinge she has agreements to keep with BOTH partners. If one partner asks her to do something that betrays an agreement with the other partner it is ON HER to say "No. I am not willing to do that. I'm sorry. Could I help you in a different way?" It's on the partners not to be putting the hinge in the middle like that. It is not kind.

I think it is enough for M to know you two are lovers with safer sex practices in place at the end of the 6 weeks. It's enough for M to know he can ask for sex health labs and they will be freely given. He does NOT need to know details of every lovemaking session.

You have made allowances for transition time. 6 weeks is up when the 6 weeks are up. No more "peeks into the bedroom" after that without your consent. If M wants to know something private between you and G, he has to understand he needs BOTH G and your consent on that info.

Which means you could ask G to stop sharing information you both co-own without your consent. You consent to sex health labs, but details of lovemaking are off limits. Then sit back and see if she can respect your boundary or not. G could learn to set limits with love. Get her relationship with M on healthier ground -- esp if either one has gotten enmeshed or codependent.

Does G feel responsible for managing M's feelings for him? Is she not willing to let M learn how to manage his feelings appropriately on his own with the help of counselor? Does she need counseling herself?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi Drakkaras,

I think it is unhealthy for M to know (and control) every detail of your time with G. I can understand some general restrictions for now, but I don't like G and M stripping you of your privacy.

If M needs to be ready for more six weeks from now, then G should start tapering down the amount of information she shares with M. G should also start tapering down the amount of texts from M she'll respond to when she's with you.

Unfortunately, you can't force G and M to do things your way even if you're in the right (and I do think you're in the right). You can request different behavior from them, but it's up to them whether they'll honor your request. I don't know what words you could speak that would convince them to honor your request.

Which means, maybe you'll have to make a decision about whether to break up with G ... or whether to break up six weeks from now if things don't improve. I'm sure you won't want to break up, but I hope you'll be aware that only your own actions are yours to control.

Sorry I don't have any better suggestions at this time. I'll try to think of more to offer as time goes on.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top