New to poly relationships,not going well.

I

incurses

New member
Hey everyone,

So me and my girlfriend of nearly 4 years decided to open our relationship and I thought I could do it but I'm not so sure now. She had 2 dates last week with this one guy and he felt her up a bit and I haven't been doing so good since then, now today she has a date with another guy that she is most likely going to have sex with and she is crazy about him. He's tall,muscular,handsome and adventurous and I don't think I'm ugly but I'm not very confident in the way I look and of course the"is he bigger than me and better in bed" is bugging me as well. I've been giving her a lot of attention and love since she said I used to be so cold and distant but now since we opened the relationship she doesn't really respond to my love and affection since she is always and i mean always on her phone texting this guy and giggling and she looks so happy. I know I should be happy for her because she's having fun and it's that new relationship feeling but I'm hurting so bad. I don't know what to do and I don't want to talk to her about it and make her feel like she can't enjoy her life because I'm not here to stop her from doing so, I know I should get over my insecurities and better myself but that takes time. It feels so strange being her lover of 4 years and being ignored like this, I'm so confused and don't know what to do I'm even thinking of leaving her. Sorry for the depressing post.
 
Tell her honestly how you are feeling. If you cannot openly communicate with your partner you really shouldn't be in an open relationship model. It takes a lot of communication to make one work.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Be honest about how you feel. Maybe something like...

"I am happy for you because you are having fun enjoying new relationship energy. I want you to be able to enjoy yourself. I want to be respectful of (Your + BF2) time.

At the same time, I want to be able to enjoy myself too. Right now, you are a hinge with two partners to balance.

When I see you constantly texting you other partner when it is supposed to be (you + me) time? I feel ignored and taken for granted. I would like to feel appreciated and respected. When I try to do loving gestures toward you, you do not respond. Your mind is elsewhere. Again I feel ignored or taken for granted.

I would like to request that you be PRESENT when it is our turn to spend time together. Could you be willing to do that? I don't mind taking turns, but I do mind being ignored."​

She either steps it up or she doesn't. If she doesn't, then you consider at that point in time if leaving this poly dynamic is healthiest for you because you don't get what you need from it.

Galagirl
 
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You have to tell your girlfriend how you feel and not worry about it making her feel bad. I fell into that trap too and I was unhappy. You cannot ignore your needs just because you want her to be happy. Don't you want to be happy too? An open relationship won't work if you can't communicate effectively with each other. I'm new to this forum and polyamory, but I have figured out that much.

I have/had insecurities about myself and how I compare to my boyfriends other partners, and it is hard to "get over it." This is still a work in progress for me but I promise it won't get easier if you aren't getting any love and support in return from your girlfriend. This process should not be all about her. You have feelings and needs too and she must respect that.

I say have a serious talk with her about this situation and go from there. You matter and need things, and if she can't accommodate you then it may not work out.

Jen
 
After you happy? After your needs getting met in this relationship?
 
Thanks for the replies everyone it just doesn't help that on top of all this I suffer from severe depression and I'm doing my best to make it through each day and sometimes when you're depressed you tend to make rash decisions and just sink further into it.
 
In addition I would say, that 3 dates in two weeks is a pretty fast start. Just to consider.
 
She's moving very very fast it hit me hard, I haven't talked to anyone really I'm not that outgoing and I just feel like shes the one for me. I know I shouldn't have done this but I looked through her phone and she's not being honest shes telling guys shes out with friends instead of with me and I'm not 100 percent sure if shes letting them know she's in an open relation ship. It is on her Tinder profile but she met some other guy from work. I don't know if I should let the little things like that bother me, she doesn't tell me much about them but she will be so quick to tell her friends how it was and leave me out of it. I just need someone to talk to really, I'm so thankful for all of your replies.
 
Bless your heart sweetie, those aren't little things. Not being honest is a big deal, and in my opinion isn't poly. That's cheating.
 
But she did say this is the best thing that's ever happened to her. She's an amazing girl don't get me wrong. I just always put her before me even if it's not what's best for me and I know it's self destructive. Maybe I'm not on the same page as her and I'm not the right guy for her. Thanks for listening though I need to work this out.
 
incurses said:
She's moving very very fast it hit me hard, I haven't talked to anyone really I'm not that outgoing and I just feel like shes the one for me. I know I shouldn't have done this but I looked through her phone and she's not being honest shes telling guys shes out with friends instead of with me and I'm not 100 percent sure if shes letting them know she's in an open relation ship. It is on her Tinder profile but she met some other guy from work. I don't know if I should let the little things like that bother me, she doesn't tell me much about them but she will be so quick to tell her friends how it was and leave me out of it. I just need someone to talk to really, I'm so thankful for all of your replies.
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Yeah. Well. Let's assume good intentions here.
She's probably worried that the guy will dump her before he get's the chance to even get to know her if she tells him she's in an open relationship right away. Maybe hoping he will 'accept better' later.
It's not so easy to understand, but this really is first date material. If the guy runs for the hills, it's for the better, as it saves all of you the drama later. Waiting is usually considered somewhat rude and misguided here.

Also, let's assume good intentions with her telling her friends first before you, or not telling you how it went at all. She might be doing it to spare you jealousy. Many people don't enjoy being told too much info on their partner's partners. You will have to find your comfort level here. If you want more info then she's giving now, you should tell her.
 
Talk to her. Don't bottle up your feelings. Don't make your feelings less important that hers.
 
incurses said:
But she did say this is the best thing that's ever happened to her. She's an amazing girl don't get me wrong. I just always put her before me even if it's not what's best for me and I know it's self destructive. Maybe I'm not on the same page as her and I'm not the right guy for her. Thanks for listening though I need to work this out.
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Good that you know that you have to work on putting yourself first. Polyamory is weird in this aspect - it is far more demanding in attending to your own needs first then monogamy. You will need to develop that skill.
At the same time, it only works with a big giving hart towards your partner and metamours. But that shouldn't be your priority now I think.

Galagirl always says you have to give at least 51% of your love to yourself, be able to tend to yourself and your agenda first - because nobody else will. I think as you are depressed now, you need to step this way up.
 
Tinwen said:
Yeah. Well. Let's assume good intentions here.
She's probably worried that the guy will dump her before he get's the chance to even get to know her if she tells him she's in an open relationship right away. Maybe hoping he will 'accept better' later.
It's not so easy to understand, but this really is first date material. If the guy runs for the hills, it's for the better, as it saves all of you the drama later. Waiting is usually considered somewhat rude and misguided here.

Also, let's assume good intentions with her telling her friends first before you, or not telling you how it went at all. She might be doing it to spare you jealousy. Many people don't enjoy being told too much info on their partner's partners. You will have to find your comfort level here. If you want more info then she's giving now, you should tell her.
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I said from the start that I wanted her to share everything as would I. She says she's told them she's in a poly relationship but I don't know why she said she was hanging out with friends when she was with me.
 
It's not ok to peek at her phone. You could apologize for peeking.

You could also ask her to be more communicative with you. You are feeling left in the dark and it is hard not to feel that way when you know she talks freely with her friends.

But she did say this is the best thing that's ever happened to her.
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That's nice. But it is not sounding like the best thing to happen to you. You could ask her what she hopes it will be like for her, you, and you + her and how she would like to contribute to each layer. And how she would like you would contribute to each layer. You could share same thoughts for each layer. See if you ARE on the same page or not.

Because if she's only thinking about how it is for her? She's short sighted if she wants to maintain ALL her partners in a happy, healthy way.

She's an amazing girl don't get me wrong. I just always put her before me even if it's not what's best for me and I know it's self destructive.
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Knowing this, are you willing/able to stop doing that? And start attending to your own self more? Because you seem to need balance there. Balancing meeting your own needs and meeting other people's needs.

She might need to learn to balance her time and attention across partners. But you seem to need to learn to balance time and attention between yourself and your interests and her and her interests. You cannot live like it's all about her all the time. That's being much too selfless. And selflessness is not a virtue. It's self neglect if you never attend to your own self.

I think you could meet your needs first so you aren't burning out or spread too thin. Then you have a "full tank of gas" and can gift your help to her or other people freely without it coming out of your hide.

Just like in a plane -- you put your own oxygen mask on first, then try to help others. If you help others first and neglect attending to yourself first? You are going to keel over from lack of oxygen. Doesn't help you any. And then you can't be helping anyone at all like that anyway.

Do not self neglect. That is not self respecting behavior.

Maybe I'm not on the same page as her and I'm not the right guy for her. Thanks for listening though I need to work this out.
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Or she might not be the right gal for you. Because she goes too fast, doesn't pay you attention when it's your shared time together, and doesn't communicate well.

You seem to keep wanting to come from the POV of "I'm not enough for her, I don't measure up." If so? Stop trying to do her job for her. It is HER job to evaluate if your behaviors meet her personal standard for how she wants to be treated in a relationship or not.

You could do YOUR job. You could evaluate if her behaviors meet YOUR personal standard for how YOU want to be treated in a relationship. Pay attention to your own work. Are you being treated like you want to be treated here?

If not, speak up to her about it and ASK for the behaviors you would like. She either steps up or doesn't. Then you make the call from there.

Advocating for your own self is self respecting behavior. People cannot be mind readers.

I hope things improve for you one way or the other.

Galagirl
 
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If you are not in treatment for your depression you should run, not walk, to get help with that. Depression can be like wearing a Michelin Man outfit made of lead, it is so hard to do anything when it is on you. Get therapy, get medication if that is appropriate, call a help line for recommendations, just please get help with that right away.

Leetah
 
I know what you are going thru. My wife and I have been together 10 years now and I have always know she was Bi andbased on how I was raised monogamy was everything... we had talked multiple times about opening our relationship up over the years, yet never actuall did anything...we suplimented her needs by going to stip clubs and that was expencive and just not right. Now jump ahead to a week ago, she made a new friend at work and she spent a lot of time helping her and her husband move into a new place, last friday her friend kissed her... and I got the bomb shell dropped in my lap the next morning with a can we talk about me dating her...BOOM hello! I was not surprised because I could see it coming just was not what I wanted to wake up to. We talked laid some guidlines down and I agreed... I am not out looking because this is for her female sexploration and dating. But even though in theory everything was great. when it started to take off with the new dating feelings and constant messaging I started to freak out..."is she going to leave me" "do I have to compete for her affection"...I am not going to lie I lost it but everyone handles this in there own way three days of boxing it in and putting on a face and pretending everything was okay destroyed me...her girlfriend and her ended up cornering me and we talked for a while about where we are at and where we want to be and the next morning when my wife went to work...I did not have the struggles, pain or fear, i was gunuinly happy for her...mind you I will slip and fall and make mistakes as I learn to cope but you all need to be on the same page...my situations is a little different than yours but I still have the same reactions because it happened so fast, I was unprepaired and I am not used to sharing my wife (not trying to objectify her) I started to write in a journal anytime thoughts popped into my head, anytime feelings that I had never felt before bubbled up. I also reacted like you by spending more time with her... but I realised that might smother her and be too much, I need to give her time to love amd appreciate the newness of her relationship...I have decided to also work on myself in the time that she is whith her date. Like work out, build my own confidenc back up and my own self esteem.

After looking back on what happened those three days I do not recomend ignoring it, you need to talk to her. I looked like a pschopath, I dont do drugs or do crazy things but I found myself vomitting, not eating, extremely angry with no explination, on the third day I found my wifes anxiety medicine and thought if I took a couple it might calm the nervs...suffice it to say I took one to many and ended up passing out for a few hours...that was the last straw, that was when they cornered me and asked a million amd one questions and we all hashed everything out. I woke up feeling like a new man, more clear headed and ready to start this journy WITH her, and not be selfish and make it all about me. So please from man to man talk to her. Our brains will take a simple text, add a different tone to it and that will plant a seed that could take out the world as we know it in our heads. 100%transperancy is alway good from my experience.
 
Hi incurses,

The problem that rings the loudest alarm bells for me is when your girlfriend is supposed to be spending time with you but instead she is absorbed with texting her other guy. I would think this would be something you could and should talk to her about. Explain that you need special times that are just for you and her, and that you need her to be 100% there for you during those times. If she is unwilling to do that with you, then maybe breaking up is the best thing to consider. You have needs and you are important too.

So sorry you are caught in the middle of this painful ordeal.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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