New to poly relationships

[LoveBomb]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forum (just posted an intro the other day). So I've got some questions regarding polyamory, timing, and so forth, but before I get into them, I should give a bit of a background as far as who I am and how I came to associate myself as being poly.

I'm currently in a loving relationship with a 33-year-old woman who is carrying my child (due in 2 months). We're unmarried, but the baby was planned (I don't really believe in marriage aside from the legal benefits). That being said, I'm just going to call her my wife to make things easier.

Having watched several marriages in my family fall apart for various reasons, one really stood out to me. When I was around 10 years old, I watched a huge amount of drama within my family as my father moved out of the house and started dating a woman who believed him to be the love of her life. My father passed from brain cancer two years later, but always said he never wanted a divorce. That time took a huge toll on my family. I was young, didn't really understand what was going on, only that my dad loved me and my mom and sister were really angry at him. All I wanted was for everyone to be happy.

The following 15 years were particularly difficult for me, as I was severely depressed during that time. That period led to me experimenting with ganja and mushrooms, which ultimately led to a profound spiritual awakening. That spiritual journey led me to understand that "we're all one", that love is the only solution to our problems, and that hatred, jealousy, and fear only cause pain and suffering. I've found that my beliefs are similar in many ways to Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism (I'm a white man with Western European blood).

I've since come to believe that it's ridiculous that we live in a society that believes it's acceptable to hate a person for loving someone else, but it's completely unacceptable to love more than one person at any given time. After all, the love I'll have for my first-born child will not diminish if and when my second child is born. Likewise, the love I have for my wife will not be diminished if I love someone else too.

I should say now that my wife isn't in any way spiritual. Much of the intellectual and spiritual topics I enjoy are things she has no opinion on or interest in. She also doesn't have a "dream" per se, like I do. I honestly believe that her passion will be motherhood. She wants to be a stay-at-home mom, and I really think she'll be awesome at it and I'd love to enable that for her. We also have very similar lifestyles, which has made living together a relative breeze.

Earlier this year, I finally had the opportunity to start pursuing my dream. On V-Day, as my gift to my wife, I agreed to have a child with her. We conceived that night (and joked about how the universe wanted us to have the baby, since there was a lot stacked against us medically).

About a month later, while networking in order to find co-founders for my venture, I met a girl who I just clicked with. She's beautiful, passionate, has repeatedly complimented me on what I'm doing, and totally believes in what I'm trying to do. When I meet with her, conversation just flows. We have similar unconventional spiritual beliefs, similar passions, we're both self-employed web professionals, and we both want to actively make the world a better place. We also have similar views on love and relationships. I find myself thinking about her a lot.

We've never been intimate (though had I been single when I met her, I'd imagine we would have had a short, passionate relationship). I'm actually glad I'm in a stable relationship, as it's given me the opportunity to really start getting to know this girl and be friends first. We both think very highly of each other, and she's been in open relationships before (don't know about a poly relationship though) so she's not hung up on monogamy. Down the line, I think she could be a very suitable poly partner, but I won't be going there right now. I have a responsibility to my pregnant wife at the moment, so the timing just isn't right.

I've spoken to my wife a bit about my views on polyamory. She's a very reasonable woman, and understands my position, and I think she'd be open to the possibility of me pursuing a poly relationship with this other girl when the time is right. I've also told her that she's free to date other men too. I made it clear that I want her to be happy.

So with that being said, here are my questions:

1) Obviously I should wait until my kid is born before even thinking of pursuing another relationship. How long should I realistically wait after my child is born before bringing this subject up with my wife? I don't want her to feel as though I'm bailing on her for a younger, slimmer, more beautiful girl after having gained a lot of weight during child birth. Her weight honestly doesn't bother me, but it does bother her.

2) If I do successfully convince my wife that a poly relationship would be a good thing (and I think I can), how do people deal with the whole "who lives with who" question? How do you divvy up time spent with each lover and decide who sleeps at whose house? Has anyone here successfully moved in with a married couple, or are married and had a lover move in with you?

3) How does the situation change when there are kids involved?

I'm new to all this, so any and all perspectives are welcome. Just know that I love my wife very much and have no intention of leaving her. My wife knows about this other girl (though not necessarily about my attraction to her, but I think she suspects). We're all going for dinner this weekend as well so they can meet each other.

Thanks!

 

[LoveBomb]

Damn that was long. Sorry!

 

[Tonberry]

I think you can bring up the discussion as early as you want. Discussion does not mean action.

When talking about it, you should make it clear that you want to wait so that you can help take care of her and the child. It's not just a matter of her feeling unworthy or fat. It's a matter of her being tired, and a child being demanding, and everything being new and overwhelming. If on top of that you leave her with the kid and go date someone else, she is likely to feel used and unappreciated.

On the other hand, if your wife is fine with it, having the other woman help during the pregnancy and after it, as a friend, could help strengthen your bond (both your and your wife's bond to that woman) which, is you were to pursue something with her, would be easier on both your wife and the other woman, as they would know and trust each other.
And if you were not to pursue anything, you would have gained a friend!

I personally would think you probably need for the baby to have a certain amount of autonomy. During that time, hiring a nanny so you can keep having dates with your wife might be important.

Basically my point of view is, with the baby coming, you're already adding a new person to the relationship. Better to wait for the whole relationship to restructure itself to account for this new person, your child, before you try to add another one. I think it's best to establish a relationship either before any child enters the picture, or after the relationship has "recovered" from the waves of the child entering the picture.

But I don't think you should wait and hope while she isn't aware of any of it. Hence the discussion first, during which you make it clear you want to want and dedicate yourself to the child and to her for now (of course she's got an input too, so if she thinks things would work better another way, you'll have to see together and decide for yourselves).

As for living together, this is way too son. If you start dating that other woman, start with the dating. You presumably didn't move in with your wife on the first date. You can probably expect a year or two of dating before you ever start talking about it, I would think.
Then, yes, Vees living together absolutely exist. If the relationship is well established, everyone gets along, and she's willing to live with a young child, then you'll be able to start talking about it all together.

This being said, it's good to have an idea where you're going long term and if your goals are compatible, so do ask your wife if she would be willing to consider, a long way down the road, living with other partners, or if that's out of the question as far as she is concerned.

 

[LoveBomb]

Thanks, Tonberry. Wise advice. I agree with everything you've said. Glad to see there are people on here like you . Your advice is definitely appreciated.

Cheers!

 

[IndieSolo]

You don't have to have everyone all living together to be poly! Your potential second gf may want to remain independent and have other lovers too.

I think, if you've already broached the topic, you can talk about it now. However, I have read that many poly couples people take a break from having multiple relationships when a child is born, for about two to three years generally. Really, as new parents, you will be utterly exhausted most of the time (I assume you will take part in the childcare and household stuff and not leave it all up to your partner). So, this may not the the right time to start having a poly arrangement, actually.

 

[MusicalRose]

Welcome!

The people in this topic have already answered most of the important questions. I would wait until the baby is born to start pursuing new relationships, but it never too early to start discussions. This will especially help your wife and you have more time to read and research and digest before jumping into anything.

For living arrangements and when the time will be right, only the people involved and the situation will eventually be able to speak to that. As far as when it is right to open up, you and your wife can decide together after the baby is born when you think you have enough time and energy to try and tackle this. As far as living together, give that its due time. Some partners may want to keep a place of their own and not live with you. Your wife may be okay with partners, but not housemates, and you may even discover that you like having someone that you don't have to see every day to go out to meet every once in a while.

It absolutely can work though. Right now I am in a V with two males (I am female) and we all just moved into an apartment together. I am engaged to one and have been dating him for almost four years. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and we have known each other/been involved for almost a year. They are both really comfortable around each other and don't have hangups that prevent me from having sex in the household while the other is around or even allowing the occasional threesome. For some people, this arrangement wouldn't work though.

You and your wife should take the time to structure a poly relationship with rules that you can both live with and abide by. What your dream is may not mesh up with what your wife wants or can handle. There are as many types of poly relationships as there are poly people, so starting the discussions early to explore some of these ideas is probably really good.

As an aside, I have also come to a lot of my own spirituality through psychedelics. Have you read the Upanishads? I found them to be amazingly beautiful.

 

[LoveBomb]

Wow, I'm impressed even one person read my long-winded post, let alone three . I appreciate all of the advice. Seeing as how this is my first child, you're all definitely right in that I'm very likely to be too tired to deal with a second relationship while taking care of our first child.

That being said, I have the luxury of working from home and making my own hours and since we live in Canada, my wife gets a full year of maternity leave, so we're both going to be home a lot.

I liked Tonberry's suggestion to bring my potential second around so my wife can get to know her more, especially when the baby is born. I also think nycindie has a point about the living arrangements. It could definitely be nice to have a partner I don't see every day.

@MusicalRose - I haven't read the Upanishads on their own, but there's definitely a lot of wisdom in them. Lots of great quotes to be found . Much of my spiritual journey involved reading about every religion and spiritual belief system I could find. I'm also really scientifically minded, so I tend to affirm my spiritual beliefs through as much scientific fact as I can. The documentary series called "Through The Wormhole" with Morgan Freeman is pretty amazing. Especially season 2 when they get into the science of consciousness and what's being discovered.

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

I think you can bring up the discussion as early as you want.

With your wife only 2 months from her due date, I'm going to advise CAUTION about discussing it. We don't know her at all, so you're the best judge of this, but PLEASE choose your time carefully. Hopefully she is not suffering from the insane hormones and radical mood swings that some pregnant women do, but she (and you) are likely a bundle of emotions, both positive and negative, about the pregnancy and imminent birth. Wait for a time when she is comfortable, relaxed, basically in as good a mood as possible. As Captain Jack Sparrow would say, wait for the opportune moment.

ETA: It might be best to keep the discussion hypothetical for now, without mentioning the person you're currently attracted to. Perhaps starting out with, "We've talked about the possibility of poly before, how do you see having a baby/child affecting whether you would or wouldn't be willing to explore the issue further?" I can understand wanting to be honest with your wife about your attraction to this person, but an emotional pregnant woman could easily hear, "You now have to compete with this person for me" even if that's not what you mean AT ALL and you have NO intention of going ANYWHERE. The hormones of pregnancy can break all the rules of reasonable/rational adult conversations. (yes, unfortunately I know what I'm talking about)

 

[Vicki82]

After I had our son, we hardly had sex at all for a year. We were just exhausted. Having a few minutes of alone time was a luxury. I couldn't even have handled the concept of a poly relationship. If my H had asked, I would have gone batshit crazy, and I certainly wouldn't have had the energy to consider it myself.

And yeah... I would not have been thrilled if H brought things up when I was very pregnant and had a poor self image.

 

[LoveBomb]

Hopefully she is not suffering from the insane hormones and radical mood swings that some pregnant women do, but she (and you) are likely a bundle of emotions, both positive and negative, about the pregnancy and imminent birth.

Luckily we're both pretty rational people. She's very understanding, and so am I. She usually knows when she's being crazy and catches herself . It helps that I don't escalate things when she is feeling upset and I can usually pick up on the non-verbal cues that something is wrong and I keep asking her what's wrong until she stops saying "nothing" and actually tells me .

That said, I understand where you're coming from on this, and it's good advice. She knows that I'm attracted to this other girl. We've talked about it and she trusts me not to act on my feelings. The three of us are going out for dinner tomorrow night so the two of them can meet each other and start getting to know one another.

 

[LoveBomb]

After I had our son, we hardly had sex at all for a year. We were just exhausted. Having a few minutes of alone time was a luxury. I couldn't even have handled the concept of a poly relationship. If my H had asked, I would have gone batshit crazy, and I certainly wouldn't have had the energy to consider it myself.

And yeah... I would not have been thrilled if H brought things up when I was very pregnant and had a poor self image.

Vicki, may I ask when you and your husband broached the subject? I assume you brought it up based on your signature (?). When did you feel it was the right time?

 

[JaneQSmythe]

So with that being said, here are my questions:

1) Obviously I should wait until my kid is born before even thinking of pursuing another relationship. How long should I realistically wait after my child is born before bringing this subject up with my wife? I don't want her to feel as though I'm bailing on her for a younger, slimmer, more beautiful girl after having gained a lot of weight during child birth. Her weight honestly doesn't bother me, but it does bother her.

In my experience (NOT as a parent but as someone who regularly works with pregnant women and new parent) NOT ONE soon-to-parent ever fully understands what it is going to be like to be the parent of a newborn. I'd plan on at least a year. Not say that you can't TALK about it at all but hormones and body changes combined with exhaustion are not the best combination for rational discourse.

2) If I do successfully convince my wife that a poly relationship would be a good thing (and I think I can), how do people deal with the whole "who lives with who" question? How do you divvy up time spent with each lover and decide who sleeps at whose house? Has anyone here successfully moved in with a married couple, or are married and had a lover move in with you?

I am married and my lover lives with us. There is a lot of advice about dating for a while before considering this ... we disregarded it. Dude moved in with us right away (see my earliest posts where we tease him about being a "U-haul lesbian). To be fair - MrS and Dude were best friends for several years before I met him and I had known him for about a year before we "got together".

We pretty much function as a "full-time" Vee. Most non-sexy time (and some sexy time) is spent all three together. We all share one bed. So we kind of skipped the whole "who gets me when stage".

3) How does the situation change when there are kids involved?

Sorry, no kids here - I imagine it would complicate things a lot.

Basically my point of view is, with the baby coming, you're already adding a new person to the relationship. Better to wait for the whole relationship to restructure itself to account for this new person, your child, before you try to add another one. I think it's best to establish a relationship either before any child enters the picture, or after the relationship has "recovered" from the waves of the child entering the picture.

Totally agree with this.

It absolutely can work though. Right now I am in a V with two males (I am female) and we all just moved into an apartment together. I am engaged to one and have been dating him for almost four years. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and we have known each other/been involved for almost a year. They are both really comfortable around each other and don't have hangups that prevent me from having sex in the household while the other is around or even allowing the occasional threesome. For some people, this arrangement wouldn't work though.

Sounds like your situation is pretty similar to mine. I have read about many Vee's that have boundaries about people having sex when the other is home. That would SOOO not work for us. We are basically home all of the time.

JaneQ

 

[Vicki82]

Vicki, may I ask when you and your husband broached the subject? I assume you brought it up based on your signature (?). When did you feel it was the right time?

My story is a little different than most here, I suspect. I used to write erotica for a living so my husband knew that I had fantasies of sex with other men, but we never acted on them until this January when I met someone attractive and safe on a vacation and got to be friends with him and his wife. They have an open marriage so it was our first introduction to this in real life. Our son was 2 years old.

My husband, after some soul searching, allowed me to have sex with the husband, and it was great. My sex life with my husband turbocharged as well which was a wonderful benefit. My husband okayed me having extramarital sex. Then one of my partners and I fell in love. So in our case, this has required a lot of negotiation!

It took years for our sex life to recover after our son's birth, and we owe that mostly to opening our marriage. Things are really different after kids! Of course, now it is better than it has ever been.

 

[GalaGirl]

1) Obviously I should wait until my kid is born before even thinking of pursuing another relationship. How long should I realistically wait after my child is born before bringing this subject up with my wife?

I'd not even ponder that until the kid IS born. YOU may have your feelings change. It is unanswerable right now from this place to guess how you will be feeling as a new father. Much less how your wife might be feeling. Post partum depression, couvade, maybe nothing like that at all. Wait til you are on the other side to assess where your buckets and her buckets are at.

The buckets of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health.

2) If I do successfully convince my wife that a poly relationship would be a good thing (and I think I can), how do people deal with the whole "who lives with who" question? How do you divvy up time spent with each lover and decide who sleeps at whose house? Has anyone here successfully moved in with a married couple, or are married and had a lover move in with you?

This is something for you and your wife to solve. There are as many ways to do it as there are poly people -- each polyship wants what it wants. They are not all cookie cutter things. You also cannot solve that with wife and you alone. The OTHER person has a voice and preference too!

I would NOT be in a rush to tangle finances and living arrangements. The first flush of NRE is like being on the pink fluffy lala cloud drugs. Fun to feel, but not the time to make major life decisions. Best to wait it out for a year to let the clouds dissipate and then see what it is.

3) How does the situation change when there are kids involved?

It does not just change YOUR house.

It changes both sides of the extended families. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, etc. Family gatherings, rituals, events - the trickle out effect of a new person joining the tribe is definitely felt.

I'm not spontaneous like I was as a single or married couple. I have to plan for babysitters. I'm not up for dragging the kid all over the place -- so no more doubled up social events like one thing in the morning and another in the afternoon.

It is exhausting to have an infant in the house. It is exhausting to be the nursing mother. It's worth it in the end, the effort to raise a decent human being to maturity, I think. And to do it well.

But it takes a HUGE effort and it is a huge resource drain. I'm not talking about just money either -- I'm talking about time, emotional, mental, spiritual, physical resources. My kid is not a baby any more but I STILL have no desire to Open during the active parenting years. Kid activities and shuttling her about -- that takes up time.

Stop to think too -- you are not married. What legalities do you face with custody of child should you all break up? Someone report you to DCF just to make waves? Before you go adding a new GF to the scene, protect your unborn child appropriately.

HTH!
GG

 

[LoveBomb]

Stop to think too -- you are not married. What legalities do you face with custody of child should you all break up? Someone report you to DCF just to make waves? Before you go adding a new GF to the scene, protect your unborn child appropriately.

I live in Canada, so I'm not sure what DCF is. I'm assuming you're talking about the "Department of Children and Families"? I'm not even sure if we have an equivalent to that up here. There are certainly custody battles that take place, but I'm not aware of a government organization that will take my child away from me just because I had what society would view as an "affair".

I'm not totally sure how it is in the States, but up here, I'm legally the father of my child regardless of marriage. That being said, were we to go down this path, we certainly would take any and all appropriate considerations for our child. My daughter will come first in everything, of course.

My "wife" and I are pretty emotionally stable. She's not one to fly off the deep end and deny me the right to see my daughter regardless of what happens. We're quite good at talking things through.

 

[GalaGirl]

Yes, "Department of Children and Families" is DCF here in the USA. Nobody here is going to take kids from their parents either. But they are obligated to check out reports, no?

I'm not only talking about some future GF making waves harassing you at work or home or via agencies. What about relatives who disapprove of polyshipping making waves? Trying to declare you unfit parents?

What if your wife decides to check out from failed polyshipping? Will you still be able to see your child?

What if one of you is hurt? Who is next of kin? What if both are hurt? Who is child's guardian then?

I am glad you plan to sort all that kind of thing out. Def get it squared away.

GL!
GalaGirl