New to poly, shy, asexual

V

veganfreak

New member
I'm new to the forums. My husband and I have been reading about polyamory and discussing it for a few years now, so I feel like I know a lot about it. We just recently decided that our relationship was healthy enough for us to open it up.

My husband frequently meets people-- through work, or when he travels for work. He also reconnects with people he went to high school with, since he grew up in this area. So he is having no problem finding new people to meet and hang out with. I, OTOH, didn't grow up around here, grew up in a super-religious family, and was homeschooled, so all my friends were super religious. I'm trying to figure out how to meet new people.

I have met new people at my sons' school and through the homeschool group that we joined here. But I live in TX, which means that the majority of people I meet are religious. The homeschool groups we joined are secular, so it's possible I'll meet some awesome people there.

Also, I'm not really sure how to go about talking about polyamory with people, or letting them know I'm available. I wear my wedding rings. I'm a mom of 3 young kids, babysitting a 4th, and most of what I talk about deals with parenting or my husband.

I'm also asexual, so I am looking for an emotional connection with some snuggles, but no sex. So it would feel kinda odd to just spill all that up front: "Hey, my husband and I have an open relationship, but I'm asexual, so I'm just looking for friendship and snuggles. You interested?" LOL

It's worth mentioning that my husband frequently gets hit on, even with his wedding ring on, but I *never* get hit on.

Anyway, just looking for some tips on how to meet people, and how to go about letting them know that I'm interested and what I'm interested in.

Thanks!
 
Have you tried okcupid? Or any of the other dating sites? If you do a tag search here for "dating," or "dating sites" you will possibly come up with what has been talked about in regards to situations similar to your own.
 
Are you straight or bi? If you're bi, I bet you could meet women through your parenting groups that would be interested in a deep emotional connection, and of course you'd have being moms in common.

If you want a guy... um, with watching 4 kids all day, how on earth do you have time and energy to hook up with one?;)

I had a couple dates with an asexual guy a couple years ago. He was into tickling instead, for endorphin release. I met him on OKCupid.
 
veganfreak said:
am looking for an emotional connection with some snuggles, but no sex.
Click to expand...

I wonder whether this necessarily needs to be in the context of polyamory. Do you feel strongly that it does, or are you perhaps just thinking in that context because that is where your husband would look? To me your description could potentially fit within the bounds of a close and caring friendship, though I guess it might depend on the scope of the snuggles :)

Anyway, I wonder whether simply pursuing friendships and getting to know people in your community isn't a good place to start. Of course, that could reflect my strong bias in favor of having relationship develop out of friendships, which is basically how mine have always happened.
 
I definitely want to second the use of OKCupid. If you're feeling nervous or hesitant, you can just put up a profile stating exactly what you want out of the site: dating, relationships, good friends, etc., and then you sift through the responses. My experience with it is limited, since we've basically only used it to search for casual sex partners at this point, but there's definitely a fairly strong poly presence on it as well. The real good thing about it is, unlike most dating sites, it's free. So you can sign up casually and don't have to feel pressured into using it immediately.

(And no, I'm not on OKC's payroll. : P I've just had a lot of good experiences with it.)
 
Thanks for all the replies!

Magdlyn said:
Are you straight or bi? If you're bi, I bet you could meet women through your parenting groups that would be interested in a deep emotional connection, and of course, you'd have being moms in common.

If you want a guy... um, with watching 4 kids all day, how on earth do you have time and energy to hook up with one?;)

I had a couple dates with an asexual guy a couple years ago. He was into tickling instead, for endorphin release. I met him on ok cupid.
Click to expand...

I'm bi-curious. I grew up in a very religious family. I was a virgin when I got married at age 20, and my husband and I have had a monogamous relationship. I've never been with a woman. I just actually realized about 1.5 years ago that I was asexual. Before that, I just always thought there was something wrong with me, because I didn't want/view sex the way everyone else did. For what I'm looking for in a relationship, I'd be happy with either a male or a female.

wildflowers said:
I wonder whether this necessarily needs to be in the context of polyamory. Do you feel strongly that it does, or are you perhaps just thinking in that context because that is where your husband would look? To me your description could potentially fit within the bounds of a close and caring friendship, though I guess it might depend on the scope of the snuggles :)

Anyway, I wonder whether simply pursuing friendships and getting to know people in your community isn't a good place to start. Of course, that could reflect my strong bias in favor of having relationship develop out of friendships, which is basically how mine have always happened.
Click to expand...

Nah, I don't think what I'm looking for has to be in the context of polyamory. I guess it does depend on the scope of the snuggles. But my husband is also free to pursue relationships/casual sex/etc. I am fine with that. I'm actually tired of trying to fulfill all his needs.

I would love to have a simple friendship turn into a little more, but I don't currently have any friendships that I see going that direction. The people that I'm closest friends with are religious, and there are only 1 or 2, and the rest of the people I know are more superficial relationships. But that's not for lack of trying on my part. I guess I suck at making friends.

NewCrobuzon said:
I definitely want to second the use of OKCupid. If you're feeling nervous or hesitant, you can just put up a profile stating exactly what you want out of the site: dating, relationships, good friends, etc., and then you sift through the responses. My experience with it is limited, since we've basically only used it to search for casual sex partners at this point, but there's definitely a fairly strong poly presence on it, as well. The real good thing about it is that, unlike most dating sites, it's free. So you can sign up casually and don't have to feel pressured into using it immediately.

(And no, I'm not on OKC's payroll, I've just had a lot of good experiences with it.)
Click to expand...

I will definitely take a look at OKCupid's website. I tried to look for a poly group in DFW, but apparently it's not active anymore. Husband and I need to get out and meet more people, but it is hard with 3 little ones. I just need to be patient, I guess. :)
 
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