New to Poly

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Girlcrush20

New member
Hi everyone, I'm new here. I have been married to a wonderful man for the last 24 years. We have had our ups and downs during this time but always have stuck together. We just can't imagine our lives without one another. We have recently come out to each other as being Poly. For years I have preferred women but have denied this for so many reasons. My husband has the desire to also be with another woman and has struggled thinking he was doing something wrong. For years we both were thinking we were terrible people and just not happy with each other but have realized that is very far from the truth. We are both excited to explore this new lifestyle together as a strong bonded couple and are happy to have found a place to help us adjust along the way.
 
Welcome! Since you're new and just exploring (and coming to this from a VERY long term relationship), as someone who has been Doing This A While ;-) I'd like to suggest some reading:

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

I have some quibbles with the speed of new relationships suggested at the end of that - I think that part's pretty unrealistic - but the advice about getting used to time alone and getting used to your partner spending time with other people that totally doesn't involve you? if that's not something you're used to it's TOTALLY worth it to become so before adding the complication of romance with others.
 
Girlcrush20 said:
Hi everyone, I'm new here.
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Welcome to the board!

I have been married to a wonderful man for the last 24 years. We have had our ups and downs during this time, but always have stuck together. We just can't imagine our lives without one another.

We have recently come out to each other as being poly. For years I have preferred women, but have denied this for many reasons. My husband has the desire to also be with another woman, too, and has struggled thinking he was doing something wrong.

For years we both were thinking we were terrible people and just not happy with each other, but have realized that is very far from the truth. We are both excited to explore this new lifestyle together as a strong bonded couple and are happy to have found a place to help us adjust along the way.
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You didn't ask for advice, but since you are completely new to polyamory, I am going to offer you some information. Feel free to take it or leave it as it suits your situation.

Congrats at coming to terms with your lesbian (bisexual?) nature. I am not sure if you are saying you are not attracted to your husband or any men sexually at all, or are also attracted to women as well, just more strongly than to men.

Obviously you two are a good match, at least as friends and domestic partners. It's the sex part I am unsure of.

If you are now realizing you are a lesbian, you might be poly too. Maybe you deeply love your h and want to stay with him, in addition to trying to find a woman to date. Maybe you will date multiple women and cease any sex at all with your h.

And your husband must want some sexual loving, if, as you seem to be indicating, you are not really attracted to men, and haven't been having sex with him. Do I have that right?

...


I just read the article about disentangling.

...

It was written in a fun, jazzy, young way. The point is good. Disentangle.

So. If you and hubby were thinking that poly is a way for you to see if you like lesbian sex, and for him to have some variety, my advice is, do NOT try to date the same woman. You will both want different qualities in a lover. You could date a lesbian. He could date a straight woman. Chances are .000001% you would find a hot bi babe to "share." Chances are even lower that this unicorn would be attracted to you both equally. The chances are that threeway dating and sex, so that you and h can "share this experience" would fail miserably.

Millions of long term mono couples who decide to Open and "bring in a third" think this must be the perfect solution, and will "protect their marriage" too, by reducing jealousy.

It doesn't. Jealousy can be even made worse by trying to watch your long term spouse make love to another in front of you! Often, it's possible you might find a young dependent woman for some sexy threeways. But these relationships usually end quickly, after a few weeks or months, after infatuation wears off. If she doesn't leave completely, she will come to prefer one or the other of you. And then what? Awkwardness, at the very least.

If "sharing a gf" was not your idea, great. I hope I just wasted my time! :)
 
Hi thanks for the advice. Just to clarify my original post, 10 years ago my husband and I were in a triad relationship on and off for two years. We still had not been honest to each other about our true feelings at this point. That ended very much so like you described with our shared gf wanting only me. This was a disaster. I decided to ignore my lesbian or bi tendencies and not allow that to ever come between my husband and I again. Well this too was a disaster, 10 years of hiding who I really am made me bitter and cold only having sex with my husband once a week and when I did not being truly into it. It wasnt that I didnt find my husband attractive because I do very much but I was just sooo unhappy and constantly thinking about being with another woman. Now, I am not a terrible person, i did take notice of my actions and felt very guilty for hurting my husband. I was pushing him away inadvertently! Fast forward, my husband did start to talk very innocently to another female during an online game but hid it from me. I noticed a change in him we talked he admitted to it and then I admitted to being mostly attracted to women. We decided at that point to look into dating other people. So, here we are!
Since then, I feel so much lighter and free to Express myself without guilt and so does he. We are happier. I am still struggling a bit with him already talking to someone and I haven't even begun to put myself out there yet because it's still so new but I am sure I will get there. :)
 
Girlcrush20 said:
Hi, thanks for the advice. Just to clarify my original post, 10 years ago my husband and I were in a triad relationship on and off for two years. We still had not been honest to each other about our true feelings at this point. That ended very much so like you described, with our shared gf wanting only me. This was a disaster.

I decided to ignore my lesbian or bi tendencies and not allow that to ever come between my husband and I again. Well this too was a disaster. 10 years of hiding who I really am made me bitter and cold, only having sex with my husband once a week, and when I did, not being truly into it.

It wasn't that I didn't find my husband attractive, because I do very much, but I was just sooo unhappy, and constantly thinking about being with another woman.

Now, I am not a terrible person. I did take notice of my actions and felt very guilty for hurting my husband. I was pushing him away inadvertently!

Fast forward, my husband did start to talk very innocently to another female during an online game, but hid it from me. I noticed a change in him. We talked, he admitted to it, and then I admitted to being mostly attracted to women. We decided at that point to look into dating other people. So, here we are!

Since then, I feel so much lighter and free to express myself without guilt, and so does he. We are happier.

I am still struggling a bit with him already talking to someone, and I haven't even begun to put myself out there yet, because it's still so new. But I am sure I will get there. :)
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Aha! Great. Thanks so much for the new information!

So, he's still talking to this person he met on his game? Or someone else? Is there any chance of him actually getting to meet this woman?

I am so glad you finally came out fully, to yourself and to your husband. Like you, I am bisexual, or pansexual. I don't prefer one gender over another. I'm attracted to all genders, transpeople included.

But I was in a mono hetero marriage for 30 years. I suppressed my attraction to other men and to women, thinking back then that it was "bad" when married, to even be attracted to someone other than your spouse. Ugh.

Finally my ex husband got into the idea of me being bi, and we also attempted a disastrous triad with a female "unicorn." This was back in 1999-2000. He and she fell in love. She wasn't into me. Eventually, 8 years later, I left my h. He was still in love with this woman.

I got my own place, and almost immediately met another poly pansexual woman on OK Cupid! We get along better than my ex h and I ever did. Unlike you, I was still into men too, and was free to meet and date as much as I wanted, while being madly in love with Pixi. And she also is into guys. And now she's had an OSO for about 7 years. She splits her time between us almost equally. I've slowed down on dating (getting too old for the merry go round), but that's OK. I like my me time when Pixi is at her bf's.

Anyway, that's just my brief example of how I moved on from trying to suppress who I truly am, and begin to live my authentic life. I started late. I was 54 when I left my h. We had 3 late teen, early 20s kids at that point. I felt OK with breaking up the home with them at that age. And the universe had Pixi just waiting in the wings for me. :)
 
Greetings Girlcrush20,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have an awesome relationship with your husband, and a newfound openness with him that suits you both well. I am glad you have discovered Polyamory.com, we will be able to help you and you will probably find that you can help others as well. Enjoy!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi, Girlcrush20! Welcome to the site. I'm new around here too and everyone has been really welcoming so far. I can relate to your story. My husband and I have been married for 21 years - together for 23. My bisexual - or really pansexual - tendencies are something he actually helped me accept and embrace when we first started dating. Over the years we've dated other men, couples and women - but lately I'm finding that I'm not very interested in other men. I haven't LOST interest in my husband or stopped being attracted to men in general, but I am craving more feminine energy in my life - my intimate life. ;-)

We started out trying the swingers scene because to be honest, that's the only form of non-monogamy that we knew about at the time. lol. I live in a really conservative and sheltered area so it's hard to find like minded friends. Swinging just wasn't for us. Too fast paced, too spontaneous, too much focus on sex. It was fun and exciting and we made some good friends, but it just didn't fit us!

We moved from that, to dating other couples. That process happened organically actually. It started out with us going on the usual double dates with our best friends, then feelings started to develop and progress past friendship. We started dating with them and with another couple that we are close to for about five years. It was pretty relaxed and comfortable. We all trusted each other and spent time together and separately. We are still friends with them all! Distance and time just got in the way. Now we all live hours/days apart. lol. During that time period I felt like I was equally attracted to the ones involved. It wasn't really about gender for me. I just liked them as people.

Years passed and we both took a break from dating while I battled against cancer. Intimacy was off limits for so long for medical reasons. It was crushing for us both! It took a couple of years after remission before we were comfortable talking about non monogamy again. It happened unexpectedly when I developed feelings and a strong sexual attraction for an online friend. With hubby's knowledge and encouragement I started dating her. It was a long, long, long distance relationship. LOL. As we all got to know each other she expressed interest in my husband and things started to progress in that direction.The relationship ended recently - in November.

Anyway, that's my long journey to where I'm at today. My husband isn't as interested in dating as he used to be, but he's supportive of me seeking out others and he's open to getting to know someone I'm interested in. I've had a few people say that he is trying to enforce an unfair one penis policy - mostly men that I've turned down- but the truth is that I'm the one who isn't interested. I'm not sure when the shift happened or why I'm craving another woman in my life in that capacity, but that's the point I'm at now and I'm working on embracing it and loving myself no matter which way my attraction flows! I've worked through a lot of guilt to get here, and now I'm working on heart break, but I know with time and patience I'll be ready to get out there again. Be patient with your self and all the feelings that this process brings. Your confidence will come!
 
Hi GirlCrush20 - and welcome to the Forum! We have a good number of experienced poly folks here - so please don't hesitate to post any specific questions that you might have.

Here's a list of poly web sites that you might find helpful as you continue to explore:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108191

This link, in particular, is a very informative and intelligent read if you and your husband are hoping to form another triad:

https://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html

While you explored poly before with a triad, have you considered dating separately this time, each with your own partners? While the public perception of poly is often the FMF triad, in reality this configuration is quite rare. The most common configuration for married couples who transition to poly - as my wife and I did - is for each to date independently. But, obviously, everyone and every couple is different.

Again, welcome, and we will look forward to hearing how your story unfolds.

Al
 
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Thanks

Thank you all for the encouraging words. My husband is dating another woman right now that is possibly interested in forming a triad however I am still keeping dating open for myself for now. It's been an up and down battle and a roller coaster of emotions for me but I think everything is starting to level out. I started talking and getting to know my husbands girlfriend yesterday and it has really helped alot.
 
You asked for how to deal with jealousy on your new thread. Kevin, our official greeter who posted above, has a list of links to information about dealing with jealousy. Maybe he'll notice this post and bring them, or you can PM him directly.
 
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