New to Poly!

B

blockwave123

New member
Hey everyone, super glad I found this forum! Just a brief overview of my situation.

I am 26, live in London. I met my now boyfriend (36) last year, we have been together for around 8 months but this is my first time in a non-monogamous relationship. My boyfriend has a wife (and she also has a boyfriend) we get along well, she has always been welcoming.
I have told a few of my friends, which I found relatively easy - they were non judgemental and more curious, asking questions. I haven't told my family the situation, however they know I have a boyfriend and are keen to meet him - something that I have not mentioned to my boyfriend. I also think it would be a lot easier if they knew but I am unsure how they would react.

I met my boyfriend just by chance, wasn't really looking for a non monogamous relationship but I have found it really works for me and has brought me a lot of happiness. However my boyfriend mentioned that he's going to start dating again soon, he's really busy as it is so I'm worried that it is going to mean that there will be less time for us to spend together. Him dating is also something that is new to me (due to covid he couldn't really meet new people) and I am going to have to navigate new feelings and emotions. I overthink A LOT and am learning to deal with this better but any advice would be so appreciated
 
welcome to the forum! there are others on the forum that will provide good advice, I dont really have much expierence yet.

surf the forum, theres lots of posts with good info and others personal experience's

take care
 
Why don't you share what your feelings and fears are? That way we can give you better advice.

How much time do you spend together now? Is it enough? It can definitely be unsettling when your partner decides to start dating. He's got you and his wife. How will he make time to keep you both satisfied and feeling valued when he's going through the trials and tribulations and ecstasies of dating?

It's likely that you are still in a state of NRE (new relationship energy), or infatuation, and it can be hard to let go and be OK with less time in this state. Often in NRE, you become more or less obsessed with your new partner, whom you idealize. Often we want to be with them as much as humanly possible. As NRE starts to fade, your rose-colored glasses come off and you start to see the partner more as they really are.

NRE can last from 3 months to 2 years. It lasts longer if a relationship is long distance. It averages one year. It's possible you're still in NRE and bf isn't. You're still thinking excitedly about introducing him to your family, but you haven't told him that. It can increase a bond with your partner when he seems to be welcomed into your family. But instead, he's thinking of moving outside the family of you and his wife (and her OSO) and getting out there with new people. You may think your goals and his goals are not matching up.

What is holding you back from introducing him to your parents and siblings? You can have them meet without telling them he's poly. My gf met her bf's family this year and they were not told she lives with her other lover (me). They just think she has a roommate. They live 2 hours away and don't really need to know that my gf is poly. I've also met my gf's parents and brother many times, and while they know we are partners, they don't know about her bf (and they've been together for going on 8 years lol). But they live a 7 hour drive away. So again, no need to know.
 
blockwave123 said:
However my boyfriend mentioned that he's going to start dating again soon, he's really busy as it is so I'm worried that it is going to mean that there will be less time for us to spend together.
Click to expand...
In my polycule, I am the one with a: the most partners & b: the most time constraints. I can tell you that it has been extremely important to define and respect everyone's time- and I think that is where you need to start with your boyfriend. We made a group calendar, and put my dates with everyone on there before everything else, and an entire month out- and then I keep those times. If your boyfriend is willing to do that, it will help alleviate some of the tension you feel, because you know he won't be taking time out of "your time" with him to pursue dating others. For me, personally, it meant giving up some of my time alone on hobbies. No matter what, you need to tell your boyfriend about your concerns, and see what he says/what he is willing to do to help you feel important and secure in your relationship with him.
 
blockwave123 said:
However my boyfriend mentioned that he's going to start dating again soon, he's really busy as it is so I'm worried that it is going to mean that there will be less time for us to spend together.
Click to expand...

While love isn't a scarce resource, time and energy are. If your boyfriend takes on another thing that demands some of his existing time/energy, then there will simply be less to spare for other things. This would be the same if they got a new part time job, picked up a new hobby that you aren't involved in, got a new buddy they want to go have drinks with periodically, or a new love interested.

However, this is how time and energy work, so I would encourage you to come to terms with the reality that life, when it's healthy and flourishing, tends to grow and change. Those changes naturally result in our needing to make little adjustments to accommodate the new reality. Most of the changes we encounter are pretty minimal, but sometimes we hit a big shift and need to be agile and realign our expectations with our new environment.

blockwave123 said:
Him dating is also something that is new to me (due to covid he couldn't really meet new people) and I am going to have to navigate new feelings and emotions. I overthink A LOT and am learning to deal with this better but any advice would be so appreciated
Click to expand...

Learn to be grateful for the time you have with people, practice being an excellent receiver of bad news, and make your boundaries clear and don't let people bulldoze past them - that's my general advice, it also applies to polyamory.
 
Hello blockwave123,

It is perfectly valid for you to discuss concerns with your boyfriend about how much/little time he is going to have left over for you after he starts dating someone new. Tell him how much of his time you need, or at least give him an estimate. Find out if he is willing and able to meet your need. If not, then you have to do some hard thinking about whether you're staying in this relationship. Of course, I hope it doesn't come to that. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
blockwave123 said:
Hey everyone, super glad I found this forum! Just a brief overview of my situation.

I am 26, live in London. I met my now boyfriend (36) last year, we have been together for around 8 months but this is my first time in a non-monogamous relationship. My boyfriend has a wife (and she also has a boyfriend) we get along well, she has always been welcoming.
I have told a few of my friends, which I found relatively easy - they were non judgemental and more curious, asking questions. I haven't told my family the situation, however they know I have a boyfriend and are keen to meet him - something that I have not mentioned to my boyfriend. I also think it would be a lot easier if they knew but I am unsure how they would react.

I met my boyfriend just by chance, wasn't really looking for a non monogamous relationship but I have found it really works for me and has brought me a lot of happiness. However my boyfriend mentioned that he's going to start dating again soon, he's really busy as it is so I'm worried that it is going to mean that there will be less time for us to spend together. Him dating is also something that is new to me (due to covid he couldn't really meet new people) and I am going to have to navigate new feelings and emotions. I overthink A LOT and am learning to deal with this better but any advice would be so appreciated
Click to expand...
Wish I had experience so I could of maybe helped u it's my first time here up to now I seem to like it alot love the comments and the stories again set
 
Love may be infinite but time is finite.

Right now I am searching for a new job because right now I do not have a decent work life balance and my husbands and children are paying the price.

Last year I took a position with a 60% pay raise. But now I am gone out of my homes 60+ hours a week due to my commute and no matter what I do someone is short changed. I am exhausted and grumpy. My partners feel neglected because all I do is work come home and fall asleep.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top