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jtrobak

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Originally it started several years ago as fantasies, having a threesome with my wife and another man. I am not bi-curious. As the fantasies continued, I suggested that she look to a mutual friend of ours and potentially start a sexual relationship.

Six weeks ago they had their first get together. Since then, they have been together four times and have had sex six times. This coming Friday she is going to be with him for the day; the 5th time.

So far, I've been excluded from this, and would deeply like to be included in this, whether it be just to watch, which would be awesome, or to participate in a threesome. She has told me in not so many words that she likes the exclusivity of this. I remind her that this was supposed to be a threesome event as I want to be able to watch her being pleasured. I do not have a problem with her seeing him, he is an awesome stand-up guy! She assured me that she is working to have the three of us, him and I taking care of her. However, she has indicated that this could be several months away. Am I washed up? Thoughts?
 
Prior to suggesting to your wife that she have sex with your mutual friend, had you ever spoken to this mutual friend about whether he is into MFM threesomes? Whether he would ever enjoy being watched while he has sex, and with you in particular watching him?

If he's not into threesomes, you can't demand that he share your fantasies or participate in a threesome with you.

If he's open to the idea, but it will take him several months to feel comfortable with it (and it may take your wife several months also), then that sounds reasonable to me. If it's so important to you, why not just wait a few months until they are comfortable with it?
 
By my urging, she had set this up with him and from there it happened so fast. I had left it up to her to have that discussion with him. Unfortunately neither one of us did.

The three of us went out to lunch shortly after the second time they hooked up to discuss their new relationship and where things are going. To her surprise, I told him then that I was hoping that this would be a threesome MFM relationship, or if he was uncomfortable with that, I would be happy just being able to sit in a corner and watch.

He acted shocked. He said he understood how I would be curious to want to see how the two of them do it, what they do, etc., and if that were to happen it would have to be spontaneous and a drunk weekend. So he didn't completely chalk it off but did indicate it's possible.

They have had sex six times now and my wife has revealed to me that he has not been able to achieve orgasm with her. From a male perspective, I understand he may have insecurity issues. She is spending the day with him on Friday and is determined to help him achieve orgasm. I'm not sure at this point if that is more for her sake or she just wants to help him get there.

In the meantime, I feel like I have been abandoned on the side. This was supposed to have been a her and I thing, not an exclusive her and him thing. From the perspective of her and I, she is having all the fun.
 
You should probably tell your wife that due to this misunderstanding you're past the boundaries of your consent and tolerance and something needs to change immediatelly. From there you can go two ways:
1) ask her, if she's willing to stop seeing this man and go back to monogamy before it's too late (if it isn't already, sex produces bonding hormones fast and breaking up in the midst of New Relationship Energy can be extremelly painful)
2) accept the shift in lifestyle and her new lover, with conditions and changes such as:
  • you date yourself as well
  • in addition to this new partner of hers you two will also go seek out threesomes (of course, if she's up to it) - possibly swingers?
  • you both educate yourself on the types of non-monogamy and their pros and cons (read eg. the book Opening Up) and discuss the paths forward, communications and boundaries, possibly with the support of a therapist
Taking a break from the new relationship to asses your option may also, possibly, still be viable, although as I said earlier, it's generally very painful to both the "hinge" (your wife here) and the new partner.
 
Hey, jtrobak, welcome.

It was a long time ago (1999), but my ex-husband and I started out in polyamory the exact same way, only with different genders. And I am bisexual (pansexual, actually). But neither of these factors matter.

We'd been together/married a long time, mono. He knew I was bi (as I IDed back then), and had never been comfortable with it. Until finally he was. I think he'd been able to access more internet porn by that point, and got more exposed to FMF threesome videos, and got interested. So suddenly he began fantasizing about this with me during sex. I enjoyed the fantasies. Then after a while he suggested actually doing it. I wasn't interested at first. I kind of knew the fantasy wouldn't match reality. But he cajoled and wheedled and seduced me into it. I thought it was going to be a casual sex experiment.

We had a new platonic female friend who was single. She was a nice person. He approached her, she was flattered and interested. He explained it was to be a threesome thing. She agreed. They had sex alone. (This was a LDR.) After a fairly short period of time, she admitted she wasn't into women. And they fell in love. I won't go into the aftermath, but it wasn't pretty.

Moral of the story-- fantasies never match reality, and people aren't toys or dream characters that behave as you think they should, like a "choose your own adventure" game. You and wife made a mistake thinking your friend would automatically behave like a porn actor for you. Most people want one-on-one sex, not group sex.

And btw, polyamory does not equal group sex. Polyamory means "many loves," not sex threesomes, not orgies, not swinging, not cuckoldry. Most polyamorists do not have group sex.

To sum up, I empathize with you, because I made the same mistake. It was a very painful lesson.

Please check out our Golden Nuggets section to learn more about what polyamory really is. We have a list of resources, books, articles, a podcast, movies, and another list of many older consolidated threads going back 16 years covering a plethora of poly topics. Or you can do a search for terms, such as "threesome," or "triad."
 
Hello jtrobak,

You are not washed up, your wife is talking about a threesome with you included. Your mutual friend is more the person that would limit your participation, your wife doesn't seem to mind it. Poly can be tricky, you need to approach this a little at a time.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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