New to poly

[thinker03]

HI

So I'm new to poly..

I recently met a nice couple looking to add someone in their Relationship, they say it's not only for sex.. We really get along the 3 of us..

We haven't disscuss rules yet because we're still in the "get to know eachother "stage.

But I have a question will I be their "unicorn" or more ?

I can't understand if the whole unicorn thing is just for couple looking for sex or if it's for any couple looking for a third person...

Thanks for your help

 

[KC43]

Generally when someone talks about "unicorns," it means that a heterosexual couple is seeking a bisexual female who will be sexually--and *maybe* romantically, but not necessarily--involved with both of them. It's termed "unicorn hunting" because it's pretty rare for someone to be interested in both members of a couple, or to have the same level of interest in both.

Sometimes "unicorn" means a hetero couple looking for a bisexual *man* to be involved with both of them, or a same sex couple looking for a third to be involved with both of them, or whatever. And you can substitute "pansexual" for "bisexual"; the point is that the unicorn is someone who can be sexually attracted to either/any gender. But the common factor is that a "unicorn" MUST be sexually--and maybe romantically--involved with both members of the couple.

It's often considered very unfair, because many unicorn-hunting couples set rules like "the unicorn can only have sex with both of us at the same time, never with either of us separately" (while the core couple, naturally, gets to have one-on-one sex with each other whenever they want), or sometimes even "the unicorn can't have ANY other partners, only us, and only when we want her/him."

That isn't to say it's *always* that way. Some people get involved in "unicorn" situations and it works out quite well for them. But the usual reason for a couple seeking a unicorn is to "add to" their relationship, while not giving any benefit to the unicorn and somewhat negating their humanity and autonomy.

Whether you're your couple's unicorn or not is something only you and they can answer; the rest of us aren't in your life, so no matter how many details you give (and you haven't really given many), none of us will be able to give you a definitive answer. So my advice to you would be to communicate thoroughly with this couple. Ask them at least some of the following questions:

- Is this purely a sexual arrangement, or are we romantically involved as well?

- Will I be able to interact with each of you separately, or can I only be with both of you at the same time?

- If I found someone else I was interested in, would you have a problem with me having a separate relationship?

- What are you looking for by bringing me into your lives?

- What will *I* gain from being in your lives?

- Can I tell other people I'm involved with you, and will you tell others about me, or does this have to be kept entirely secret? (This one isn't solely about being a unicorn; some poly people are fully open, some are fully closeted, and some are somewhere in between, and it's important to know where you and your couple fall so you don't say the wrong thing to the wrong person.)

By asking those questions, you might be better able to determine whether you're their unicorn or a valued partner. If you aren't comfortable asking those questions, that right there is an answer for you; if you aren't comfortable asking your partners questions about the relationship, there's a problem in the relationship.

Short answer repeated: A unicorn is not solely a sexual thing. A unicorn is any bisexual or pansexual (or if there are any other orientations that include attraction to any gender; I feel like I'm leaving out something) person who is "added to" an existing couple relationship and is required to have a relationship--purely sexual or sexual + romantic--with BOTH members of the couple, usually at the same time, i.e. the unicorn is never allowed to have one-on-one sex or a one-on-one date with either member of the couple.

 

[Pleiades]

Ask them at least some of the following questions:

- Is this purely a sexual arrangement, or are we romantically involved as well?

- Will I be able to interact with each of you separately, or can I only be with both of you at the same time?

- If I found someone else I was interested in, would you have a problem with me having a separate relationship?

- What are you looking for by bringing me into your lives?

- What will *I* gain from being in your lives?

- Can I tell other people I'm involved with you, and will you tell others about me, or does this have to be kept entirely secret? (This one isn't solely about being a unicorn; some poly people are fully open, some are fully closeted, and some are somewhere in between, and it's important to know where you and your couple fall so you don't say the wrong thing to the wrong person.)

These are very good and important questions. Where is the Like button?

I have a friend who was involved with a married couple. The wife was bisexual. She was allowed to have sex with another female as long as husband could join. The husband didn't have any emotional or romantic relationship with my friend. It was merely a physical thing for him. The wife was exploring her bisexuality. In that relationship or whatever it was the couple could only make decision. My friend had to tag along.

thinker03 please have answers to those questions before you invest your emotion there.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi thinker03,

Usually on this forum they say it's a bad thing to be a unicorn, and a worse thing to be a unicorn hunter.

A unicorn (a.k.a. "hot bi babe") is generally ...

• a bisexual woman,
• joined to an M/F couple (where the male is heterosexual and the female is bisexual),
• equally in love with both members of the couple,
• secondary (where the couple is primary and has couple privilege),
• called a "third," (as in "add a third"),
• there to enhance the couple's relationship,
• a secret part of the couple's life,
• never introduced to the couple's families,
• living in the couple's home,
• financially dependent (where the couple is financially independent),
• young (younger than the couple),
• childless,
• the couple's babysitter for free,
• the couple's maid for free,
• partnered with the couple only,
• sexually exclusive with the couple,
• available for sex whenever the couple wants it,
• used for threesome sex only (while the couple can have one-on-one sex with each other),
• celibate whenever couple says so (for any or no reason, for as long as the couple wants),
• subject to veto power at any time (for any or no reason),
• vested with no veto power.

The word "unicorn" suggests something that doesn't exist, and given the above list, you can see why.

Visit the site Unicorns-R-Us for more information.

I don't mean to scare you, different people define "unicorn" differently and your case may be a perfectly happy one (without all the unpleasant stuff in that list I gave). But knowledge is power, right? This way you have more information, and, you have some ideas of what you could ask your couple about. Hopefully they're not the stereotypical unicorn hunters!

Hopefully that helps,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Emm]

I recently met a nice couple looking to add someone in their Relationship...

It may just be that they're new to it all and/or haven't thought about what the words they use actually mean, but this is a potential warning bell. Find out if they're looking for someone to have a relationship with as a person (him+her, him+you, her+you) or someone to spice things up for them as a twosome (couple+you).

The "add to" language sounds more like the latter, as it implies that you don't get to form relationships with them as individual people, but only with them as the single unit of "The Couple".

 

[IndieSolo]

I recently met a nice couple looking to add someone in their Relationship, they say it's not only for sex . . .

I can't understand if the whole unicorn thing is just for couple looking for sex or if it's for any couple looking for a third person.

What are YOU looking for? Start by asking yourself that. Then figure out YOUR personal boundaries around what YOU will or will not accept in a relationship, and ask them if their boundaries match up with yours.

For example, do you want to be free to date other people outside of this couple? If so, great - let them know that. If they frown on the idea and tell you they only want a woman to be faithful to them from the very start, you won't be very compatible or happy in this situation.

Another example: Do you want to be able to have "alone time" and dates with each of them separately, and to build your relationships with each of them at a natural pace? If so, let them know. If they balk at that and tell you that they only want someone who will have sex with them both together (threesomes only) and you wouldn't be "allowed" to have private one-on-one time with either of them, it's doubtful you will feel like anything but a fucktoy for them.

Do you want to be able to contact one or the other of them whenever and however you want and to have privacy in your communications? Great, not unreasonable at all - let them know. If they tell you that all contact must be made through one of them only, to be relayed and shared with the other, and that you will not be allowed to contact either of them any other way, that will be problematic.

Poly relationships are no different from monogamous relationships in many ways. Essentially, in ANY relationship, people want to feel respected as individuals, to feel they are a valued person in others' lives, and that they are heard when they need to express themselves. It's also imperative that you feel safe to be yourself and free to make your own choices.

If they only want things on their terms and won't care about your boundaries, which is typical of most unicorn hunters (called that because they have ideals that are impossible to fulfill), then be smart and head in the other direction. Remember that you count, you matter, and just because a couple claim to be poly doesn't mean they know how to do it well. They might be more inclined to a swinging mindset where it is focused on recreational sex without emotional involvement. If that's what you want, that's fine, too. So, like I said above, the place to start is to ask yourself what YOU want -- and then to care about yourself and value yourself so that you won't compromise on what's important to you.

 

[thinker03]

Thank you for all your informations !

As I've said the couple and I aren't there yet. We are in the early stage of getting to know eachother..

But the questions you propose to me are good, and I will ask them eventually.

For the last post, I know what I want and nice relationship with them both, because even if a lot of people say you can't developp at the same time feelings for 2, I do. I appreciate them both for different things..

I want to be part of their couple and I don't want to date anyone else. For now I prefer spending time with them both but I will see how it develop in the future. I know that now they aren't looking for sex so I'll see how it goes!

 

[kdt26417]

That sounds good; keep us posted on how things are going.

 

[Pleiades]

I want to be part of their couple and I don't want to date anyone else. For now I prefer spending time with them both but I will see how it develop in the future. I know that now they aren't looking for sex so I'll see how it goes!

We are human, Homo Sapiens. We are unique. Our relationships are unique.

Some people had bad experiences, for example, my friend I mentioned above, But that doesn't mean you will also face the same. May be yours will be the happiest TRIAD.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you for all your informations !

As I've said the couple and I aren't there yet. We are in the early stage of getting to know eachother..

But the questions you propose to me are good, and I will ask them eventually.

Better sooner, before you fall in love, rather than later, when feelings will be strong and potential for hurt high.

For the last post, I know what I want and nice relationship with them both, because even if a lot of people say you can't develop at the same time feelings for 2, I do. I appreciate them both for different things...

Have you actually met these people, or is it just online or texting so far?

I want to be part of their couple...

This may seem like splitting hairs, but you won't be part of their couple, since couple means two. You might be part of a triad eventually. And then you need to know your rights as a secondary, and how to get your needs met, and prevent being taken advantage of, and then discarded like a worn out toy.

...and I don't want to date anyone else.

Well... NOW you don't want anyone else, because this is brand new and you've got NRE. What happens in a year or two when one of them tires of you? What if your schedule meshes better with one or the other, and the one with the opposite schedule finds you and the other spending "too much" fun couple time together? There are a lot of ways this can go wrong. Read up on the website "more than two," especially on secondary's rights. There is a book of the same name as well.

For now I prefer spending time with them both but I will see how it develop in the future. I know that now they aren't looking for sex...

You mean they are taking their time getting to know you before wanting to rush into sex? Great, now is the time to ask the questions of yourself and them as suggested above. If you mean they are not interested in sex at all, are you fine with that?

 

[thinker03]

Update

So I'm here to give some news and to have some insights.

I'm still "dating" this couple, we see eachother every week-end, because I live a bit too far to be more present.

I really enjoy spending time with them, usually it's the 3 of us. I asked them about the romantic part and neither of them was against it, it seems that if the Relationship evolves in romantic ways it's totally ok.

I'm a bit concerned by all the closet, because for know i'm a friend to their friend. It's ok now because we are at the beginning but I won't be ok in a few months.

They have a lot of respect for me and they don't want to exclude me which feels nice.

BUt I have a question for you . Is it normal to be scared that they suddently break up with me, because they still have eachother and I'm scared that i doesn't really matter.

Thank you

 

[AJM]

I just want to chime in saying I hate the term unicorn and all of the hate/whatever that people express towards unicorn hunters.

If the third person is OK with the conditions dictated by the existing couple then who are WE to say that it's wrong or right? I rarely see that level of hate directed towards couples looking for a secondary, or couples that have condom restrictions on encounters with others outside the existing group.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Usually on this forum they say it's a bad thing to be a unicorn.

Kevin, that list of extreme requirements is from one source and not at all what many people think of when they use the term "unicorn." Whether you do is entirely up to you, but I really wish you would retire the use of it.

We had a lengthy discussion here about whether "unicorn" was a derogatory term and as I recall, the positive and negative opinions were just about split, so it's not correct to say that "this forum" thinks its a bad thing. "Unicorn hunter" is very different than a woman calling herself a unicorn or "unicorn" used affectionately, which it often is. Unicorn is like many words, entirely dependent on context, who is using it and how it's meant. Every person is free to post his/her opinion of the word, but it's inaccurate to post a list like that as general information because that list is just one very limited and extreme take on what it means to be a unicorn.

 

[Tinwen]

Is it normal to be scared that they suddently break up with me, because they still have eachother and I'm scared that i doesn't really matter.

It's normal to have all sorts of fears.
I'd say find out if it's your insecurity, or if they are giving you reasons to think this is so.
You could have the very same fear with a monogamous girlfriend, if she was very independant or whatever, even if she was treating you well. Did you experience it before? In that case I'd suggest it is your own pattern.
It might be though they don't want to be really commited to keep the relationship longterm. I think you could ask directly.

 

[Magdlyn]

I just want to chime in saying I hate the term unicorn and all of the hate/whatever that people express towards unicorn hunters.

If the third person is OK with the conditions dictated by the existing couple then who are WE to say that it's wrong or right? I rarely see that level of hate directed towards couples looking for a secondary, or couples that have condom restrictions on encounters with others outside the existing group.

Hmm, I'd say I "hate" (am suspicious of) unicorn hunters more than self identified unicorns, since the couple-- and they may be newbies or experienced-- put themselves as a couple first, and often forget their shared partner is also human with needs and wishes of his or her own. And these couples are loaded with couple privilege and often claim veto power, etc.

Self IDed unicorns are almost always newbies who are bi, who think "joining a couple" will enable them to kill two birds with one stone. They often do not realise at what a disadvantage they are, until one of the couple decides they are not all that into her after all, and jealously veto the whole shebang.

Hell, when my ex h and I first opened, we were green newbies and unicorn hunters. I look back on that era with shame and regret. We did not only hurt the woman we attempted to bring in. We also deeply damaged our own relationship.

I see no issues with anyone using or not using condoms with their existing lovers or newer lovers. Sex health is sex health. It can be risky to go bareback if the poly tangle involved is large, and some lovers are newer or more casual or risk takers.

 

[thinker03]

I'd say find out if it's your insecurity, or if they are giving you reasons to think this is so.

I think because they give me reason to fear, see the guy is totally fine with it. But it's more complicated with the girl, see the first time we had sex she freaked out, but then we spoke and everything is ok... or seems ok. As for the feeling I know the guy is ok but I can't know if the girl will ever have feeling for me ... Which is kinda hard ...

 

[Tinwen]

I think because they give me reason to fear, see the guy is totally fine with it. But it's more complicated with the girl, see the first time we had sex she freaked out, but then we spoke and everything is ok... or seems ok. As for the feeling I know the guy is ok but I can't know if the girl will ever have feeling for me ... Which is kinda hard ...

Why do you want her to have feelings for you? Do you have feelings for her?
Would both you and her accept a V instead of a triade?

 

[thinker03]

No I don't have feeling for her yet, but I like her as much as him. I wouldn't want a V. I really like them both almost as much even if i crush a little bit more on her

 

[Magdlyn]

... they give me reason to fear... the guy is totally fine with it. But it's more complicated with the girl. See, the first time we had sex she freaked out, but then we spoke and everything is ok... or seems ok. As for the feeling I know the guy is ok but I can't know if the girl will ever have feeling for me ... Which is kinda hard ...

No I don't have feeling for her yet, but I like her as much as him. I wouldn't want a V. I really like them both almost as much even if i crush a little bit more on her

You deny you have feelings for her, yet admit you have a crush on her. More than on the guy. Yet, she doesn't seem that into you, it's complicated, insecure. YOU desire a relationship with her, but she seems less than enthused.

Imagine if she were single, and wasn't that into you. Would you go spend every weekend with her?

Is she feeling pressured by her husband to welcome you into her home every weekend? Does she show signs of resentment, jealousy, discomfort? She freaked out the first time you had sex. What made it possible to repeat threesome sex if the first time went so badly?

It is extremely common in new triads for one member of the couple to be more into the unicorn than the other is. Then the second one goes along with it for fear of losing their spouse to the unicorn.

Beware, this sounds like it could end badly with broken hearts all around.

 

[thinker03]

Yes it went badly, they broke up with me today... I think the girl was fine with fooling around a bit.

I'm glad it end now with everybody's heart still intact, even if i'm a bit disapointed because we had a good friend chemistry...

Anyway thank for your inputs, it help me a lot and I want to developp a triad on my own, if I ever meet 2 adorable people to do so .