New to Polyamory - is my situation normal in a polyamorous dynamic?

JupiterWhistles

New member
Hi there, I’m currently in a relationship with a polyamorous male and I am a female who’s only ever been monogamous until this point. It’s not something I had ever considered previously but I am interested in the idea of opening our relationship and having the possibility of dating other people.

We have had a lot of healthy discussions about what we both wants/needs/ boundaries as this something we’ve both not properly have done before, including him, but as of right now we’ve both agreed that we’re currently in a ‘grace-period’ where we’re not actively seeking out any other partners and working out the kinks on how our relationship will work.

He has made it very clear that I am his priority, and wants me to be his primary in his polyamory dynamics and I feel very much appreciated in that regard. He also wants me to feel comfortable and stable in our relationship first as a priority.


We’re open to meet new people and date individually but through discussion, we are content with the dynamic now but once we’re ready we like the idea of meeting people socially for meet up not having anything committed outside of our primary dynamic

This is something very new to me, but I have a great understanding of his love for me where he make me feel very secure and I understand that his love for me is unchanging and does not diminish when it comes to other people.
I feel that even with this knowledge, I do sometimes struggle with bouts of jealousy sometimes, and it’s mainly down to his strong friendship with his ex.

They aren’t together but are very close and for a short period when we were on a break, they were sexually intimate after the ex also had a break up at a similar time. This was something I had suspected, but this was something I found out later after he decided to reach out to me. He expressed when reaching out how much he missed me, and I would say that the break up itself felt very unfinished - like it wasn’t over for us. Ever since he’s made it very clear how much he appreciates me and makes me feel very secure.
So because of that reason, I know that he wants me in his life.

Now that we have reconnected, the dynamic between his ex and him has shifted, and even though they are still friends, he has told her that he is putting up boundaries with her because he wants to prioritise his relationship with me and make me feel comfortable. He still has a lot of love for her, and would be interested in opening up our relationship with his ex but again, chooses to prioritise me.

i guess I’m reaching out because I’m in such two minds about their dynamic, when I’m away and level headed I know how much he loves me and wants me in his life etc, but at the same time I can’t help but feel jealous with their dynamic - they see each other every day, she has her things around his home, buy each other things each other need etc. He does set clear boundaries in the fact he will come out to see me and have alone time with me, but if I’m not seeing him, he will be seeing her - so when he calls me on the days we’re apart I’m never really alone talking with him. And I spend some visits with them both depending on what’s going on. I try to remind myself all the things he does for me and the special bond we have but it’s difficult not to compare. Me and the ex get on well, so I feel terrible having these thoughts, and she’s made it clear she wouldn’t get in the way of our relationship.

Additionally, they have a somewhat tumultuous relationship, where they are known to argue and butt heads quite a lot, and he vents to me a lot about how much she gets in his nerves, and how draining she can be. Sometimes I find this difficult to handle because it flips flops so suddenly and I don’t know how to feel about it because there are times he feels so miserable when communicating with her, even to the point of tears, but then still makes a point of reaching out to her, make sure she’s okay, spend time with her etc. I’m just confused.
I just want to know if this is something I should be concerned about and what I should do because I really don’t feel like it’s a hierarchy thing as I know he really does care for me, and proves that to me in so many special ways - ways that he doesn’t do for his ex! He takes me on dates, buys me gifts, makes sure to be affectionate with me etc

I guess my overarching question - is there some toxicity that I should be aware of here and if so, what can I do about it to protect my own feelings but at the same time, any tips and tricks in overcoming jealousy and holding on to how much he loves me, even when at times its difficult when I’m with them. I’ve never had to deal with jealously like this in other relationships so any ideas I can bring it up and communicate it with him in a healthy way would be amazing!
I also want to make it clear, that I do have issues in terms of self- worth that I am working on through therapy, and something he is aware of, so I am open to the idea that a lot of these jealous thoughts that I’m having is a result of how I feel about myself - so getting an objective opinion will really help me in the next steps for feeling comfortable again.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

A small request...

If you can still edit... Could you please be willing to hit the enter key a few times to make paragraph breaks? Then you might get more readers/responders when it isn't like a wall of text. If not able to edit any more on that post, that's ok. Just maybe next time make more paragraph breaks?

Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words. I'm gonna guess some stuff. I might get things wrong, so you correct me ok? But maybe seeing it like a bullet list and how it sounds to a stranger helps you some.

PAST
  • You were dating BF.
  • You broke up with a "no contact" rule.
  • During the break he shared sex with his exGF.
  • He broke the "no contact rule" to tell you this. (<-- Why doesn't he respect your limit about no contact? And if you were broken up then, why do you need to know who he sleeps with?)
PRESENT
  • Now you are reconnecting and thinking about being together again.
  • You are in a "grace period" where neither one is "officially" seeing anyone else, just talking out the agreements for this potential new chapter together.
  • He wants to see both of you and offers primary-secondary style poly with you as the primary.
  • You are thinking about practicing this poly model with him, because poly interests you even though you never did it before.
    • What stops you from pursuing poly on your own with new people?
    • Rather than taking up with your ex BF who comes with his ex GF/friend and who admits he's never done poly well?
      • This is an awesome poly dating offer to you because.... ???

WORRIES ABOUT FUTURE

You have concerns because this already doesn't feel like primary-secondary as promised.

  • Even though he's doing lots of stuff to try to convince you he loves you and all that... you aren't sure you love the idea of participating here like THIS.
  • Because she's here in a big way.
    • Does she know he wants to date her again?
You live somewhere else. She's the local.
  • She sees him daily and has her stuff at his place, they shop for each other and they are very close.
    • So like broken up but not really broken up.
  • When he is not visiting you, he's always with her.
    • So even when you call him, she's in the room somewhere. Not like you get to be alone with him unless he comes out to visit you at your location.
    • You don't like her being around so much and so enmeshed in his life when she's supposed to be "the ex and friend."
    • This feels more like she's still "the other girlfriend" but neither of them calls it that right now.
    • You prefer people just call things what it is (<-- is this true?)
  • You get along well with the ex, and she promises not to get in the way.
    • She is nice to you.
    • So you feel bad objecting to how they call it "exes" when really it isn't because you are looking out for your own well being and want to be clear about how things really are here. (<--why feel bad? It's your JOB to look out for your well being)
  • Unspoken: The reality may be more like she's the local primary and you are the LDR secondary even if he says different.
EXTRA PROBLEMS
  • They have a dramatic / tumultuous relationship. They argue lots.
  • When they argue? He tells you too much stuff about what is going on between then and overshares. Like a sloppy hinge using you for a sounding board rather than having a "separate V."
  • You want to protect your feelings because you don't want to hear so much about his problems on the other side of the V. You aren't dating her. Why do YOU have to be all up and down rollercoaster when they are having issues?
  • Being involved with him and listening to this stuff would help/harm your well being because....?
WEIRD

He says he wants to have a relationship with her again, but prioritizing you so you feel secure. He does this by...

  • Lavishing all this attention and promising primary-secondary to help you feel secure.
    • But is it a means to an end? Just so he can have both and then eventually and ask for co-primary rather than asking for co-primary from the beginning?
  • Making you be the "gatekeeper" to his relationship with the ex. Like he's not gonna go there unless you say it's ok. When he's pretty much already dating her without calling it dating. (<-- Is that true?)
  • Unloading all his problems with her on you and taxing your mental health. (<--- This is fun to you?)
  • Bottom line: Can you say "Relatives, coworkers, and exes are on the messy people list. If we poly, we agree nobody from the messy people lists" and have the confidence that he will honor and respect that? Because he has wobbly boundaries with this exGF.
YOUR POSITION
  • You aren't sure how to manage jealousy and weird feelings about him and his exGF so you can go ahead and participate in a polyship with him in good faith.
  • You wonder how much of your feelings is yucky stuff from the uncertain poly dynamic here or how much is from your poor self worth.
    • Or maybe coming from both.

Is that about it?

In your shoes? This would be too weird for me. I'd manage my feelings by opting out and NOT participating in polyship with them. Having made a firm choice to skip all this? My worries would no longer apply and then the ugh feelings would dissipate. And I'd feel better.

I would not want to be "the experiment" polyship for him where he finally tries to learn how to do poly right when I know I have issues in terms of self-worth that I am working on through therapy.

Part of honoring my self worth and well being would be to say a firm "No, thanks!" to anything that is beyond my current ability. One does things that are slightly uncomfortable to grow into a wider comfort zone. But there's also biting off more than I can chew. Taking TOO big a leap and causing myself distress I could have avoided by firm decision making.

I don't think either he or his exGF are bad people, but the situation sounds like too much for a poly newbie who struggles with self worth. He sounds well meaning... but kind of a mess.

So I'd have to prioritize my own well being and reduce any mess around me.

I'd go back to being exes with him. Or maybe exes and friends with him.

I would not let my soft feelings for him suck me back into dating him again when we broke up for a reason.

I would not let my soft feelings for him and enjoying his super attention giving right now suck me into doing wonky poly with him and his exGF/not really his exGF person. Esp when he's already so messy with his personal boundaries and he admits he has never don't poly well. Even if he asked directly for co-primary model? I'd still give it a pass.

If I wanted to explore poly, I'd do it with new people who aren't coming with all this much.... EXTRA. There's easier people to date than be taking up with an exBF and his odd dynamic with his exGF.

Just because he says he loves you and wants you in his life... so what?

He can want things. They may or may not come to pass.

Him wanting stuff from you doesn't mean you automatically sign up to do wonky poly. YOU get to pick what you do or do not do in your life.

I would LISTEN to your feelings ringing warning bells. Learn to trust yourself. Learn to be firm.

Self worth or self esteem? To me those are connected to self respecting behavior. When you do behavior that honors you, respects your well being? You can hold up your head high and feel proud of those choices. You can hold yourself in high esteem.

When you do stuff that does not really honor you or respect you or your well being? It's hard to feel proud of those choices. It's hard to hold your head high and feel proud of those choices. You cannot hold yourself in high esteem.

Galagirl
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

A small request...

If you can still edit... Could you please be willing to hit the enter key a few times to make paragraph breaks? Then you might get more readers/responders when it isn't like a wall of text. If not able to edit any more on that post, that's ok. Just maybe next time make more paragraph breaks?

Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words. I'm gonna guess some stuff. I might get things wrong, so you correct me ok? But maybe seeing it like a bullet list and how it sounds to a stranger helps you some.

PAST
  • You were dating BF.
  • You broke up with a "no contact" rule.
  • During the break he shared sex with his exGF.
  • He broke the "no contact rule" to tell you this. (<-- Why doesn't he respect your limit about no contact? And if you were broken up then, why do you need to know who he sleeps with?)
PRESENT
  • Now you are reconnecting and thinking about being together again.
  • You are in a "grace period" where neither one is "officially" seeing anyone else, just talking out the agreements for this potential new chapter together.
  • He wants to see both of you and offers primary-secondary style poly with you as the primary.
  • You are thinking about practicing this poly model with him, because poly interests you even though you never did it before.
    • What stops you from pursuing poly on your own with new people?
    • Rather than taking up with your ex BF who comes with his ex GF/friend and who admits he's never done poly well?
      • This is an awesome poly dating offer to you because.... ???

WORRIES ABOUT FUTURE

You have concerns because this already doesn't feel like primary-secondary as promised.

  • Even though he's doing lots of stuff to try to convince you he loves you and all that... you aren't sure you love the idea of participating here like THIS.
  • Because she's here in a big way.
    • Does she know he wants to date her again?
You live somewhere else. She's the local.
  • She sees him daily and has her stuff at his place, they shop for each other and they are very close.
    • So like broken up but not really broken up.
  • When he is not visiting you, he's always with her.
    • So even when you call him, she's in the room somewhere. Not like you get to be alone with him unless he comes out to visit you at your location.
    • You don't like her being around so much and so enmeshed in his life when she's supposed to be "the ex and friend."
    • This feels more like she's still "the other girlfriend" but neither of them calls it that right now.
    • You prefer people just call things what it is (<-- is this true?)
  • You get along well with the ex, and she promises not to get in the way.
    • She is nice to you.
    • So you feel bad objecting to how they call it "exes" when really it isn't because you are looking out for your own well being and want to be clear about how things really are here. (<--why feel bad? It's your JOB to look out for your well being)
  • Unspoken: The reality may be more like she's the local primary and you are the LDR secondary even if he says different.
EXTRA PROBLEMS
  • They have a dramatic / tumultuous relationship. They argue lots.
  • When they argue? He tells you too much stuff about what is going on between then and overshares. Like a sloppy hinge using you for a sounding board rather than having a "separate V."
  • You want to protect your feelings because you don't want to hear so much about his problems on the other side of the V. You aren't dating her. Why do YOU have to be all up and down rollercoaster when they are having issues?
  • Being involved with him and listening to this stuff would help/harm your well being because....?
WEIRD

He says he wants to have a relationship with her again, but prioritizing you so you feel secure. He does this by...

  • Lavishing all this attention and promising primary-secondary to help you feel secure.
    • But is it a means to an end? Just so he can have both and then eventually and ask for co-primary rather than asking for co-primary from the beginning?
  • Making you be the "gatekeeper" to his relationship with the ex. Like he's not gonna go there unless you say it's ok. When he's pretty much already dating her without calling it dating. (<-- Is that true?)
  • Unloading all his problems with her on you and taxing your mental health. (<--- This is fun to you?)
  • Bottom line: Can you say "Relatives, coworkers, and exes are on the messy people list. If we poly, we agree nobody from the messy people lists" and have the confidence that he will honor and respect that? Because he has wobbly boundaries with this exGF.
YOUR POSITION
  • You aren't sure how to manage jealousy and weird feelings about him and his exGF so you can go ahead and participate in a polyship with him in good faith.
  • You wonder how much of your feelings is yucky stuff from the uncertain poly dynamic here or how much is from your poor self worth.
    • Or maybe coming from both.

Is that about it?

In your shoes? This would be too weird for me. I'd manage my feelings by opting out and NOT participating in polyship with them. Having made a firm choice to skip all this? My worries would no longer apply and then the ugh feelings would dissipate. And I'd feel better.

I would not want to be "the experiment" polyship for him where he finally tries to learn how to do poly right when I know I have issues in terms of self-worth that I am working on through therapy.

Part of honoring my self worth and well being would be to say a firm "No, thanks!" to anything that is beyond my current ability. One does things that are slightly uncomfortable to grow into a wider comfort zone. But there's also biting off more than I can chew. Taking TOO big a leap and causing myself distress I could have avoided by firm decision making.

I don't think either he or his exGF are bad people, but the situation sounds like too much for a poly newbie who struggles with self worth. He sounds well meaning... but kind of a mess.

So I'd have to prioritize my own well being and reduce any mess around me.

I'd go back to being exes with him. Or maybe exes and friends with him.

I would not let my soft feelings for him suck me back into dating him again when we broke up for a reason.

I would not let my soft feelings for him and enjoying his super attention giving right now suck me into doing wonky poly with him and his exGF/not really his exGF person. Esp when he's already so messy with his personal boundaries and he admits he has never don't poly well. Even if he asked directly for co-primary model? I'd still give it a pass.

If I wanted to explore poly, I'd do it with new people who aren't coming with all this much.... EXTRA. There's easier people to date than be taking up with an exBF and his odd dynamic with his exGF.

Just because he says he loves you and wants you in his life... so what?

He can want things. They may or may not come to pass.

Him wanting stuff from you doesn't mean you automatically sign up to do wonky poly. YOU get to pick what you do or do not do in your life.

I would LISTEN to your feelings ringing warning bells. Learn to trust yourself. Learn to be firm.

Self worth or self esteem? To me those are connected to self respecting behavior. When you do behavior that honors you, respects your well being? You can hold up your head high and feel proud of those choices. You can hold yourself in high esteem.

When you do stuff that does not really honor you or respect you or your well being? It's hard to feel proud of those choices. It's hard to hold your head high and feel proud of those choices. You cannot hold yourself in high esteem.

Galagirl
Honestly thank you so much for replying, and taking the time to give me such a lengthy response - it’s really helped to put things into perspective.
I will say you’ve pretty much got everything correct in terms of the situation - just a couple things I just want to clear up for context:
 
Honestly thank you so much for replying, and taking the time to give me such a lengthy response - it’s really helped to put things into perspective.
I will say you’ve pretty much got everything correct in terms of the situation - just a couple things I just want to clear up for context:

• I tried my best to sum it up quickly but in terms of the break up - I made it no contact, he reached out for a favour out of the blue, then I reached out to take back the rest of my stuff as I was ready to call quits. So I was surprised when after we had arranged to meet, that he still had feelings for me just as I did. He basically broke and apologised for coming to me about his true feelings and how really missed being apart of my life etc etc and we had a long talk.

I had suspicions that he may have slept with his ex, and I was right, he told me about it to be honest with me which I respected and glad he told me so I understood the dynamic between them. And at the end of the day, I also had an experience with someone else (a failed one unfortunately😂) and I personably respect that as we were both single - we had the freedom to sleep with whoever.

• Personally, I like the idea of having polyamorous with this guy because I like the idea of having a comfortable ‘home base’ with someone I already feel comfortable with but also having the freedom to see other people when we’re ready. I’m also at a place where I don’t feel I’m lacking anything in terms of relationships and Am just not ready to actively seek out people - my BF also feels the same way.

•From what he’s said, he did originally talk to her about dating again but she expressed that she didn’t want anything official or serious. She isn’t looking for a relationship either after just coming out of one and was just happy with the dynamic of being able to have sex with him and being with him without the serious label (this was before i came back in the picture)
 
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• I tried my best to sum it up quickly but in terms of the break up - I made it no contact, he reached out for a favour out of the blue, then I reached out to take back the rest of my stuff as I was ready to call quits. So I was surprised when after we had arranged to meet, that he still had feelings for me just as I did. He basically broke and apologised for coming to me about his true feelings and how really missed being apart of my life etc etc and we had a long talk.

I had suspicions that he may have slept with his ex, and I was right, he told me about it to be honest with me which I respected and glad he told me so I understood the dynamic between them. And at the end of the day, I also had an experience with someone else (a failed one unfortunately😂) and I personably respect that as we were both single - we had the freedom to sleep with whoever.

• Personally, I like the idea of having polyamorous with this guy because I like the idea of having a comfortable ‘home base’ with someone I already feel comfortable with but also having the freedom to see other people when we’re ready. I’m also at a place where I don’t feel I’m lacking anything in terms of relationships and Am just not ready to actively seek out people - my BF also feels the same way.
After reading your very valid points, I know now I need to have a serious chat with him and explain my concerns, I originally felt that maybe this was normal and that I was seeing things to ‘monogamously’ and applying that same level of strictness here.



I just need to establish where exactly she is in this dynamic - because it really does feel like we’re in a V dynamic which isn’t what we have discussed! They may not be in a sexual or physical relationship but it doesn’t mean they have friendship level boundaries either with the amount of times they see each other, reliance on each other etc.

Because I’ve realised that if I was to be okay with opening up to the ex, I would definitely not be comfortable with this dynamic as I would very clearly not be the primary.
 
After reading your very valid points, I know now I need to have a serious chat with him and explain my concerns, I originally felt that maybe this was normal and that I was seeing things to ‘monogamously’ and applying that same level of strictness here.

If your #1 priority right now is working on your self worth with the therapist?

I think you need to apply whatever level of strictness you need to achieve that goal.

It is not about seeing things "too monogamously" and applying that same level of strictness here.

It's about not participating in anything that bangs up your self worth -- poly or mono or whatever else.

Developing and maintaining you own personal standards and personal boundaries so you don't throw you own well being under the bus.

Personally, I like the idea of having polyamorous with this guy because I like the idea of having a comfortable ‘home base’ with someone I already feel comfortable with but also having the freedom to see other people when we’re ready. I’m also at a place where I don’t feel I’m lacking anything in terms of relationships and Am just not ready to actively seek out people - my BF also feels the same way.

I would do some soul searching. Just because you know him doesn't automatically make him the best "home base" relationship to explore poly out of. You could develop a new home base relationship to explore poly from. It is also possible for you to consider YOU as your own home base person.

Are you back together with this guy? Or in a fuzzy space where you are still working it out?

I honestly cannot tell.

From what he’s said, he did originally talk to her about dating again but she expressed that she didn’t want anything official or serious. She isn’t looking for a relationship either after just coming out of one and was just happy with the dynamic of being able to have sex with him and being with him without the serious label (this was before i came back in the picture)

So... ARE you back in the picture? If so, what's her label NOW?

I know there are people who don't like "labels" but I'm a person who does. I have anxiety and one of the ways I manage it is by knowing what's on the table CLEARLY. No fuzzy stuff. Because I don't like that. Labels help me manage my expectations.

I do not like "floating along" stuff or "shifting sands" stuff or "moving goal posts" kind of stuff in a relationship. I don't know how to manage expectations like that. It also doesn't feel firm enough for me to take a risk my well being participating in something like that. Because I value my mental health and the rest of my well being a lot.

So right now she's his "sometimes lover" then? That to me is not an "ex." That to me is not a "friend." That to me is a "sometimes lover."

If this were being offered to me as a "primary-secondary" model? I know those sometimes stay that way. I also know sometimes the secondaries or tertiaries start wanting to be more like "co-primary" so I have to be clear in my own self what I am and am not up for.

I would be asking myself "Ok, starting out primary-secondary. I'd be the primary GF and lover. She's the friend and sometimes lover and is a big art of his life no matter what he calls her. So if this changed AGAIN and people start wanting co-primary? Am I up for that later down or not with these people? Or strong NO? And that's where I get off this bus if it comes up? Or best not to even board this poly bus in the first place and save myself the trouble?"

I would do my soul searching on those kinds of things. Get clear on what I am up for and not up for and see what lines up here.

Not exhaustive, but an article about different open models.


I'd rather have this dude just tell me up front "Look, I call her my exGF, but really she's my sometimes lover. I want to date both of you. I want you and me to get back together. And ultimately I'd like to end up in V thing where I am the hinge with two separate GFs. One on this side which is you. And one on this side, which is her. A co-primary model where everyone still can see other people too."

That's way more clear. Rather than this weird space of you and him together/not together and her being called an "ex" but not really ex. But perhaps he is having difficulty himself in articulating what he wants and what this is right now.

Even if he truly does intend a primary-secondary model with you as primary? You can see already he doesn't exercise great boundaries with her. Like.. what's going to change here? If anything? Pausing to go "Hmmmmm...." on that is you watching out for your well being. Deciding if you want to get mixed up in that or not.

You could each calibrate how you each use those words to avoid misunderstandings. What is "friend" and what makes then different than "ex" or "girlfriend?"

Maybe you tell yourself "Fine, he calls it X, but I know it's really more like Y even if he doesn't see it right now."

You could get clear on where YOU stand.

I originally felt that maybe this was normal and that I was seeing things to ‘monogamously’ and applying that same level of strictness here.

You sound open to exploring polyamory. You just sound like you don't want any shenanigans or poly fuckery.

It is possible to be up for poly and still say "No thanks" if someone is offering you a bucket of... unclear or murky. Who loves that?

That isn't you "seeing things too monogamously." That's you looking out for your own well being!

Just because he wants to make you his primary doesn't mean you automatically have to make him yours.

Your "primary" right now might be your work in therapy. If so? Could take this more solo-poly instead.

You could tell him you are up for dating again.
  • Each can see who they want, this isn't exclusive.
  • Here's minimal safer sex agreements.
  • No talk about the future, no talk about the past, his problems with his exGF are not your problems so don't bring them here to you.
  • These would be the automatic deal breakers. (ex: cheating on sex health agreements)
  • Both can end the relationship at any time. Agreements around that are (ex: phone call, email, etc)
And then you just maintain your boundaries. And maybe that's good enough? Because whatever fuzzy he has going on with her on that side? You got clear on where YOU stand and what your expectations of this relationship on this side are.

You might be a poly newbie, but you ARE the expert on YOU and what you are and are not willing to put up with at this time.

Maybe things work out with him after more discussion and you come to agree on what open/poly model to practice together. Maybe it doesn't.

What I'm saying is... think this out carefully. And honor your own self and your own well being while doing it.

Galagirl
 
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I just need to establish where exactly she is in this dynamic - because it really does feel like we’re in a V dynamic which isn’t what we have discussed! They may not be in a sexual or physical relationship but it doesn’t mean they have friendship level boundaries either with the amount of times they see each other, reliance on each other etc.

Because I’ve realised that if I was to be okay with opening up to the ex, I would definitely not be comfortable with this dynamic as I would very clearly not be the primary.
So my questions here to you are:
1. What do _you_ mean by primary? What does that look like?
2. Does X form of intimacy, whether it’s sexual or emotional or logistical (I lack a better word for this but I think you can tell what I mean) actually take anything _away_ from that “primaryness”? If yes, why?
3. What does the “serious” label even _mean_? And what is a “friendship level” boundary?

These may sound like stupid questions, but IMO the best thing about polyamory (and/or relationship anarchy) is that you can build your own choices on this. If his emotional or sexual or both relationship with someone else doesn’t take anything away from you, where is the problem? What are your actual needs from this relationship and can/does he meet them regardless of what his relationship is with this third party? Once you’ve left societally dictated monogamy behind, none of these things are set in stone…
 
I guess my overarching question - is there some toxicity that I should be aware of here and if so, what can I do about it to protect my own feelings but at the same time, any tips and tricks in overcoming jealousy and holding on to how much he loves me, even when at times its difficult when I’m with them. I’ve never had to deal with jealously like this in other relationships so any ideas I can bring it up and communicate it with him in a healthy way would be amazing!

My advice would be to embrace the reality that you are not entitled to have this person in your life the way you want them to be. You may luck out and find that you can get exactly what you want from him, but there are a lot of steps between here and there and you aren't the only one who needs to be in sync.

When we embrace the reality that we are not entitled to having people fit neatly into the puzzle slot we have designated for them, we have the ability to appreciate them for what they are. The expectation of how a relationship is supposed to "look" piles on unnecessary pressure that just serves to make the whole thing more awkward.

This guy has a long standing and ongoing intimate relationship with this person and they may very well make adjustments to your association to be with her. It's extremely common, verging on highly likely, so I would recommend getting flexible with what you expect to receive from this person for the long term.

I also want to make it clear, that I do have issues in terms of self- worth that I am working on through therapy, and something he is aware of, so I am open to the idea that a lot of these jealous thoughts that I’m having is a result of how I feel about myself - so getting an objective opinion will really help me in the next steps for feeling comfortable again.

I'm glad you are working toward understanding your emotional state of mind and getting into a more healthy place. That's a life long journey and I think being on the path is the only way we can even risk having healthy associations.
 
Because I’ve realised that if I was to be okay with opening up to the ex, I would definitely not be comfortable with this dynamic as I would very clearly not be the primary.

It sounds like that ship has already sailed?

And yes, it is profoundly likely that if there is a hierarchy determination, you will quickly realize that you are not at the top of said hierarchy.
 
Hello JupiterWhistles,
Here are some tips and tricks in overcoming jealousy:
Having said that, I'll add that this relationship your partner is in with his ex does not sound healthy. If I were you, I would put some distance between myself and that relationship. Your partner really shouldn't be spending this much attention on his ex. You are supposed to be the primary here. He isn't honoring that.

I do get the idea that she lives much closer to him than you do. Is that true? If so, how can he maintain a primary relationship with you? This question isn't meant to be rhetorical; I encourage you to think about what you need as a primary, and convey those needs to him. Perhaps he has lower standards than you for what constitutes primary?

I hope the two of you can work something out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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