JupiterWhistles
New member
Hi there, I’m currently in a relationship with a polyamorous male and I am a female who’s only ever been monogamous until this point. It’s not something I had ever considered previously but I am interested in the idea of opening our relationship and having the possibility of dating other people.
We have had a lot of healthy discussions about what we both wants/needs/ boundaries as this something we’ve both not properly have done before, including him, but as of right now we’ve both agreed that we’re currently in a ‘grace-period’ where we’re not actively seeking out any other partners and working out the kinks on how our relationship will work.
He has made it very clear that I am his priority, and wants me to be his primary in his polyamory dynamics and I feel very much appreciated in that regard. He also wants me to feel comfortable and stable in our relationship first as a priority.
We’re open to meet new people and date individually but through discussion, we are content with the dynamic now but once we’re ready we like the idea of meeting people socially for meet up not having anything committed outside of our primary dynamic
This is something very new to me, but I have a great understanding of his love for me where he make me feel very secure and I understand that his love for me is unchanging and does not diminish when it comes to other people.
I feel that even with this knowledge, I do sometimes struggle with bouts of jealousy sometimes, and it’s mainly down to his strong friendship with his ex.
They aren’t together but are very close and for a short period when we were on a break, they were sexually intimate after the ex also had a break up at a similar time. This was something I had suspected, but this was something I found out later after he decided to reach out to me. He expressed when reaching out how much he missed me, and I would say that the break up itself felt very unfinished - like it wasn’t over for us. Ever since he’s made it very clear how much he appreciates me and makes me feel very secure.
So because of that reason, I know that he wants me in his life.
Now that we have reconnected, the dynamic between his ex and him has shifted, and even though they are still friends, he has told her that he is putting up boundaries with her because he wants to prioritise his relationship with me and make me feel comfortable. He still has a lot of love for her, and would be interested in opening up our relationship with his ex but again, chooses to prioritise me.
i guess I’m reaching out because I’m in such two minds about their dynamic, when I’m away and level headed I know how much he loves me and wants me in his life etc, but at the same time I can’t help but feel jealous with their dynamic - they see each other every day, she has her things around his home, buy each other things each other need etc. He does set clear boundaries in the fact he will come out to see me and have alone time with me, but if I’m not seeing him, he will be seeing her - so when he calls me on the days we’re apart I’m never really alone talking with him. And I spend some visits with them both depending on what’s going on. I try to remind myself all the things he does for me and the special bond we have but it’s difficult not to compare. Me and the ex get on well, so I feel terrible having these thoughts, and she’s made it clear she wouldn’t get in the way of our relationship.
Additionally, they have a somewhat tumultuous relationship, where they are known to argue and butt heads quite a lot, and he vents to me a lot about how much she gets in his nerves, and how draining she can be. Sometimes I find this difficult to handle because it flips flops so suddenly and I don’t know how to feel about it because there are times he feels so miserable when communicating with her, even to the point of tears, but then still makes a point of reaching out to her, make sure she’s okay, spend time with her etc. I’m just confused.
I just want to know if this is something I should be concerned about and what I should do because I really don’t feel like it’s a hierarchy thing as I know he really does care for me, and proves that to me in so many special ways - ways that he doesn’t do for his ex! He takes me on dates, buys me gifts, makes sure to be affectionate with me etc
I guess my overarching question - is there some toxicity that I should be aware of here and if so, what can I do about it to protect my own feelings but at the same time, any tips and tricks in overcoming jealousy and holding on to how much he loves me, even when at times its difficult when I’m with them. I’ve never had to deal with jealously like this in other relationships so any ideas I can bring it up and communicate it with him in a healthy way would be amazing!
I also want to make it clear, that I do have issues in terms of self- worth that I am working on through therapy, and something he is aware of, so I am open to the idea that a lot of these jealous thoughts that I’m having is a result of how I feel about myself - so getting an objective opinion will really help me in the next steps for feeling comfortable again.
We have had a lot of healthy discussions about what we both wants/needs/ boundaries as this something we’ve both not properly have done before, including him, but as of right now we’ve both agreed that we’re currently in a ‘grace-period’ where we’re not actively seeking out any other partners and working out the kinks on how our relationship will work.
He has made it very clear that I am his priority, and wants me to be his primary in his polyamory dynamics and I feel very much appreciated in that regard. He also wants me to feel comfortable and stable in our relationship first as a priority.
We’re open to meet new people and date individually but through discussion, we are content with the dynamic now but once we’re ready we like the idea of meeting people socially for meet up not having anything committed outside of our primary dynamic
This is something very new to me, but I have a great understanding of his love for me where he make me feel very secure and I understand that his love for me is unchanging and does not diminish when it comes to other people.
I feel that even with this knowledge, I do sometimes struggle with bouts of jealousy sometimes, and it’s mainly down to his strong friendship with his ex.
They aren’t together but are very close and for a short period when we were on a break, they were sexually intimate after the ex also had a break up at a similar time. This was something I had suspected, but this was something I found out later after he decided to reach out to me. He expressed when reaching out how much he missed me, and I would say that the break up itself felt very unfinished - like it wasn’t over for us. Ever since he’s made it very clear how much he appreciates me and makes me feel very secure.
So because of that reason, I know that he wants me in his life.
Now that we have reconnected, the dynamic between his ex and him has shifted, and even though they are still friends, he has told her that he is putting up boundaries with her because he wants to prioritise his relationship with me and make me feel comfortable. He still has a lot of love for her, and would be interested in opening up our relationship with his ex but again, chooses to prioritise me.
i guess I’m reaching out because I’m in such two minds about their dynamic, when I’m away and level headed I know how much he loves me and wants me in his life etc, but at the same time I can’t help but feel jealous with their dynamic - they see each other every day, she has her things around his home, buy each other things each other need etc. He does set clear boundaries in the fact he will come out to see me and have alone time with me, but if I’m not seeing him, he will be seeing her - so when he calls me on the days we’re apart I’m never really alone talking with him. And I spend some visits with them both depending on what’s going on. I try to remind myself all the things he does for me and the special bond we have but it’s difficult not to compare. Me and the ex get on well, so I feel terrible having these thoughts, and she’s made it clear she wouldn’t get in the way of our relationship.
Additionally, they have a somewhat tumultuous relationship, where they are known to argue and butt heads quite a lot, and he vents to me a lot about how much she gets in his nerves, and how draining she can be. Sometimes I find this difficult to handle because it flips flops so suddenly and I don’t know how to feel about it because there are times he feels so miserable when communicating with her, even to the point of tears, but then still makes a point of reaching out to her, make sure she’s okay, spend time with her etc. I’m just confused.
I just want to know if this is something I should be concerned about and what I should do because I really don’t feel like it’s a hierarchy thing as I know he really does care for me, and proves that to me in so many special ways - ways that he doesn’t do for his ex! He takes me on dates, buys me gifts, makes sure to be affectionate with me etc
I guess my overarching question - is there some toxicity that I should be aware of here and if so, what can I do about it to protect my own feelings but at the same time, any tips and tricks in overcoming jealousy and holding on to how much he loves me, even when at times its difficult when I’m with them. I’ve never had to deal with jealously like this in other relationships so any ideas I can bring it up and communicate it with him in a healthy way would be amazing!
I also want to make it clear, that I do have issues in terms of self- worth that I am working on through therapy, and something he is aware of, so I am open to the idea that a lot of these jealous thoughts that I’m having is a result of how I feel about myself - so getting an objective opinion will really help me in the next steps for feeling comfortable again.
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