New to polyamory, looking for input

Andy4700

Andy4700

New member
Hello everyone,

I am looking to bounce something off the polyamorous community here and just get some feedback.

I posted an abridged version of this on a traditional relationship advice board and got an overwhelminglt negative response. A member there suggested this forum. I am going to expand a bit on the topic, because I feel/hope you folks are more on the same mental wavelength as me. :)

I am 26, married, no children, and not planning to have any. We have been together 7 years. Our relationship is the first serious relationship for both of us.

I love my wife. We are a great couple. We get along great for the most part, have the same ideas, values, goals in life, etc. So separating isn't a good option.

The problem is I have the desire to explore other women. My wife and I have talked about this a lot over the past few years. She isn't offended or upset by it. She knows I love her and am not trying to make up for something she is lacking. She has said she would be okay with me having a "girlfriend," as long as certain points were kept in mind, and that we keep the honest lines of communication that we have now open, so if her feelings changed, I would know about it and could address whatever she didn't like.

I know a bit about polyamory, but only from reading articles on the internet. I would really like to make some friends in the poly world and get to know more about how things really work.

I don't know if my ideal situation would fit within the poly world very well, but I am hoping to get some feedback on that.

I don't just want sex. Sure, I would like to be able to have sex with a girlfriend, but I am seeking much more. I want to be like friends with benefits, but with heavy emphasis on the friendship part. I want to do other things with her too, not just play in bed. If I just wanted sex, it would be easy to hit the bars and take a few girls home for a night, I suppose.

But I don't want that at all, because A. I want to know her really well before we sleep together, B. I want to sleep with her more then once, and C. I want to hear about her day at work, I want her to come over and hang out if she's bored, I want to have lunch with her now and then, basically be part of her life, even if the relationship is kept away from her friends and family. I don't approve at all of lying, cheating, misleading/using women.

I am a bit open as to her situation too. But I won't cheat. She has to be single or in an open relationship of some sort. Everyone involved has to be okay with everything. I would guess that's a standard value in the poly world.

Since I can't marry her, I don't expect her to stay with me forever. As long as everything is clear from the get go, I am not going to be angry with her if she comes to me and says she met someone that she may have a future with and we have to end our relationship. That was the deal from the beginning. I wanted an experience and she gave me one. I think I could let go without too many problems as long as I knew she was happy.

Does this sort of thing sound sort of normal in the poly world, or am I just dreaming?

I can't make a girlfriend as big a part of my life as my wife. She is not okay with that. The girlfriend would get to enjoy my friendship and company for whatever length of time she wanted, but would have to know I can't be her Prince Charming and ride off into the sunset with her.

I know finding a woman for this could be impossible. But I am just wondering if the idea is as absurd as I am beginning to think it might be. Or maybe some here can share similar experiences.

My wife is not bisexual. I guess the relationship would be called a V? I am still new to the slang. :) She said she thinks she could be friends with this person, but wouldn't be interested in playing with her sexually.
 
You and your wife sound like you're disposed to give polyamorous relationships a chance. Read around on here, look at some of the links we have to other resources, and see if you can find some sort of "poly meet-up" in your area, or in the nearest metropolitan community to where you live. You might also want to recommend to your wife that she join this forum.
 
Well. this is really a variation of a theme. There are swingers who have friends they play with in the non-monogamous capacity and there are poly people who don't love everyone they play with. You fit nicely into an open relationship arrangement.

My only warning would be your logical disection of something rooted in emotion. You may want only a FWB, but you may end up loving them, or vice versa.

What you are looking for is not absurd, not even unrealistic. There are people out there who suit the secondary model well. Married women typically suit it well. But there are lots of variations.

It sounds like you have thought this through. What you are looking for isn't unreasonable or out of the question. :) By its raw definition, without love it isn't polyamory, but it is definitely non-monogamy, and there are a few of us here that can play by multiple sets of rules.
 
Wow, you make it sound so easy! Haha! Yeah, what you are looking for is possible and we here tend to call it polyamory.

I am in a poly situation, with my bf Mono, my husband PN, and my gf Derby. The point of it all is you can create what you want/need. It's suggested, as it's been tried and seen to be true that it works better, that you should have honesty, open respectful communication, empathy, a pace acceptable to all, and in full knowledge of the effects of NRE.

Good luck and happy reading here. Bring your wife. The more the merrier.

On another note, it's great that the site you went to suggested here! Thank them for us, would you? Everyone has their way and I am glad someone saw that and passed you on to a possible better fit. :)
 
Thank you for the replies.

I fall in love quite easily. If things were to work out as I hope, I am going to love this hypothetical person, maybe not on the same level as my wife, but I am quite certain I would develop feelings for her. But in my twisted mind I don't feel like that will make letting her go devastating.

I have several close female friends. None are a potential match for my situation, but they are near to my heart and I love them, in the sense that I truly care about them, would do anything to help them, have always been there for them when they needed to vent or a shoulder to cry on, etc. One has been in a serious relationship for the past year, so I have had to take some giant steps back. I still love her. I could never tell her because she wouldn't understand, but I do. I am not jealous. I realize I cannot be what she wants, so I am happy she found a man that makes her happy.

I sort of think I would be able to react the same if a girlfriend came into my life. All the things I have wished I could share with my non-poly friend, could become real with her, and when the time came she wanted to move on, I think in my heart I could be happy for her and grateful for her giving me the opportunity to truly know her, to enjoy her sexually and spend time with her.

I know things can go bad and get messy, but there seems almost less chance of that when everyone is upfront with their expectations of how things will be. It seems like in this situation everyone involved should have thought it all out and known what they wanted as far as long term/short term, if they going to still date others, etc.
 
Wow, you guys sound like you are off to a great start and have a solid foundation.

One question: does your wife get to have a boyfriend? Poly is a two-way street, after all.
 
redpepper said:
It's great that the site you went to suggested here! Thank them for us, would you? Everyone has their way and I am glad someone saw that and passed you on to a possible better fit. :)
Click to expand...

Yes, I am glad too. It was the chick who runs this blog about poly,
http://rosephase.blogspot.com/

Maybe she is a member here too?

I was getting kind of bummed by the negativity and she thankfully popped in with a brighter outlook. I am hoping to maybe finally be understood here. It feels nice knowing there are like-minded people on the planet. :)
 
MonoVCPHG said:
Does your wife get to have a boyfriend? Poly is a two way street after all.
Click to expand...

If she wanted, I think I could deal with it. The problem is, she's is totally not interested in it. I've talked to her about it before. So that rules out more of the swinging-type lifestyle, or finding another couple to swap with, or something. She basically says she is fine with me having someone else, as long as things don't go over center, where I spend more time with a girlfriend then I do with her. Totally understandable. I would just need a girlfriend that respected my wife and could also understand the feelings.
 
redpepper said:
On another note, its great that the site you went to suggested here! Thank them for us would you? Everyone has their way and I am glad someone saw that and passed you on to a possible better fit. :)
Click to expand...

Srsly. We should have this OP framed and bronzed for posterity. [/hijack]
 
I am feeling a lot more hopeful after finding this community. :)

I was starting to question the idea of a woman enjoying her place as a secondary partner, but I am getting the impression it's not nearly as rare as I was thinking.

I've been doing a lot of reading here. I'm coming up with a lot of questions.

I was also worried that most poly advocates were older then me. I have seen several 20-somethings here already. That's nice to see too.

I do live in a smaller community. I don't know if there would be a poly group here. 🤨

It sounds like long-distance relationships are fairly common, as well. I certainly wouldn't be opposed to doing something like that for a while. It actually might be a good way to get my feet wet and make sure my wife is okay with me getting emotionally involved with another.

I am excited. :) I hope I can make some friends here!

-Andy
 
Why not consider an age difference? The thing with poly is that there are options. Why not consider a woman who has had her kids, her husband, her house, etc., and wants to be more independent? You were saying you would be okay with a gf leaving to go and do more traditional stuff. Well, why not consider someone who is at a different life stage? My bf Mono works well for our dynamic because he doesn't want a wife. He has done all that and wants different things now. He isn't older than me. He's actually younger. But finding a woman who has been there, done that means older, perhaps.
 
I am actually really open on the age, to a point. I will be 27 on Saturday.

I'd be open to ages from 18-40ish, provided there is mutual attraction. But anything much over that could make it awkward for me. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone as old or older then my parents or something. :eek:

It would be a huge turn-on for me to be with someone in their mid-30s or so. I've never been with an older woman, and I think emotionally it would be fun. Maybe sexually too, if we got that far.

I would be a little worried about someone closer to the 18 bracket, as it's a confusing time in life and one of my goals is to create no scars on anyone's life. So I'd have to be convinced that she knew what she was doing.

You raise an interesting point, Redpepper, and one I have pondered before. My wife has the qualities I want in someone I would spend the rest of my life with, but there are things I find interesting or attractive about people, but maybe can't see myself married to them. So I guess getting to play in the poly world would allow me to possibly get to experience things I would not otherwise. Quite a pleasent thought, really. :)
 
Why not consider a woman who has had her kids, her husband, her house, etc., and wants to be more independent?
Click to expand...

Just reread your post. Do you see many married women in the poly world that are seeking just a boyfriend? I am not at all opposed to that situation, but I guess where I have seen that situation is when the wife is bored and cheats. I'm not cool with that. But it would be fine if her husband were aware of everything.
 
Andy4700 said:
Do you see many married women in the poly world that are seeking just a boyfriend? I am not at all opposed to that situation, but I guess where I have seen that situation is where the wife is bored and cheats. I'm not cool with that. But would be fine if her husband was aware of everything.
Click to expand...

Oh yeah, totally. I know a lot of poly women my age who have been married, have kids, have a career, and want someone who is not looking to have that with them. Often they want the option of many loves and have many experiences and fun that they haven't in the past.

Nothing like mature women! ;) So confident, sure of themselves, know what they want out of life and relationships, aren't afraid of their sexuality and have dropped the body image crap. Very good option, for sure.
 
redpepper said:
I know a lot of poly women my age who have been married, have kids, have a career and want someone who is not looking to have that with them.
Click to expand...

Are you speaking of women who have been married, but are now divorced? Or women who are still married and looking for more, kind of the female version of what I want?

I can see how what you're saying could make sense to a divorced woman who has no desire to remarry, but still wants to be loved.

I can also see it as a easy option for a single mother who isn't ready to seriously date until her children are older, but still wants someone stable in her life to be there for her.

Seems as though there would be a lot of options for me if it weren't for the social clichés of modern life. :unsure:
 
There are such people in your neck of the woods on this very forum, believe it or not. It's not for me to say who they are.
 
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