New to the lifestyle and seeking advice

TyrantQueen04

TyrantQueen04

New member
Hi all,

My husband and I are new to the poly lifestyle, we have talked about and both want this. We are looking for a woman who could be a close friend to one of us and romantically involved with the other. We haven’t really thought past one person.. we assumed that I would be the one talking to women and getting to know them and we played through all the scenarios involved with that outcome. However recently my husband started talking to a woman and they are really connecting, but we aren’t sure how to bring up the fact that he has a wife and a 4 year old son without hurting her feelings. We have a few questions and were hoping for some advice.

-What do you think is the best way to broach the subject with her?

-What kind of feelings should we expect? I know and am prepared for NRE, but I expect that there will be quite a bit of feelings for both of us.

-How can we best make her comfortable while she is sorting through her feelings on the matter?

Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
Hi, welcome to the board.

TyrantQueen04 said:
My husband and I are new to the poly lifestyle, we have talked about and both want this. We are looking for a woman who could be a close friend to one of us and romantically involved with the other.
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You've talked, good. Have you read anything about polyamory yet?

This scenario is what we'd call kitchen table poly. However, it's not always possible to be friends with your metamour (the partner of your partner). Sometimes it happens, sometimes metamours don't wish to meet.

Sometimes a new lover will be intimidated by meeting the wife of their bf, for example. They may feel like they are being scrutinized and vetted.

We haven’t really thought past one person. We assumed that I would be the one talking to women and getting to know them, and we played through all the scenarios involved with that outcome. However recently my husband started talking to a woman and they are really connecting, but we aren’t sure how to bring up the fact that he has a wife and a 4 year old son without hurting her feelings. We have a few questions and were hoping for some advice.

-What do you think is the best way to broach the subject with her?
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He should tell her right away, before her feelings deepen. Many women do not want to date a married polyamorous man.

On dating sites, my profile states upfront I am poly and have a live-in partner. That way people don't get the wrong idea.

-What kind of feelings should we expect? I know and am prepared for NRE, but I expect that there will be quite a bit of feelings for both of us.
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This woman's feelings may be disappointment, or disgust, suspicion that he's cheating, or she might be OK with it, if she understands polyamory.

Besides NRE on your part or your husband's part, you may experience jealousy, envy, grief, boredom, horniness, anxiety, or you may feel a distance and not want to be around one another when one comes home from a date.

-How can we best make her comfortable while she is sorting through her feelings on the matter?
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Her feelings are hers to deal with. It's very important in poly for each person to be responsible for their own feelings. That said, use tact and be kind, but completely honest. Don't give TMI to anyone though.

Each dyad needs their own privacy. He shouldn't share details of her deepest feelings with you. And there is no need to share sex details between dyads. If anyone wants to, they should make sure it's OK with them. Like, if your h wants to tell a gf about the sex he has with you, or wants to share about the sex he has with a gf, with you, it must be OK with each woman to have her details shared or to hear said details.

You're just getting started. Every person you or h talk to will be different and have different degrees of comfort with polyamory. Most people do not understand it, since it's a rather new way of doing relationships.

I'm just glad you and your husband are not seeking one bi woman to "share." Triads are extremely difficult and almost always fail.

You can read Opening Up together, as well as Sex at Dawn. These are the most popular helpful books on the market right now.

The website morethantwo.com is also loaded with tips. Read up!
 
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Hi. I am glad you are here to learn about poly.

It is generally recommended that poly people be up front from the very beginning. It's the ethical way and the easiest way to avoid the dilemma you are facing now. He should just straight up tell her and deal with the consequences. The goal isn't to trick people into a relationship. She may be angry that she was deceived, or she may think it's no big deal.

There are a lot of feelings that are going to happen to a couple who are at the beginning of this journey. Jealousy, envy, insecurity, you name it. Essentially, you are starting your marriage over. Things will not be the same.

Which brings me to your approach. The two of you, as a couple, seem to have a preconceived notion of what you want. It doesn't work that way. It is unclear from your post who is wanting to be the close friend and who is wanting the romantic connection. If you are the one looking for a romantic connection, then it would be you meeting with these women. But you don't interview women for the position of your husband's girlfriend. Poly works best if everyone is autonomous. You date who you want. Your husband dates who they want. If you all get along with each other's partners, fine. You can't force that though. Some people do insist on what we call kitchen table poly. If that's a requirement, then that's something you bring up with potential partners right away. Not everybody is in to that sort of thing.

Probably the hardest thing for couples who are new to poly to do is to disentangle from each other. The default position seems to be to cling to each other harder.

I suggest doing a lot of research. A book called "Opening Up" might be good for you. I'd also suggest "More Than Two", with the caveat that the authors didn't actually practice what they preached. The important thing is to get a dialogue going. These aren't instruction manuals, but food for thought.

Good luck on your journey.

ETA: it looks like Mags and I posted at the same time. Sorry my post seems so repetitive.
 
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Thank you both so much for responding :)

I have begun to read "More than Two" and will definitely look into the other books mentioned.

I will admit that when we first started talking about the possibility of dating other people, I did have it in my head that finding a Unicorn and being a strong triad really appealed to me. I have since come to the realization that that isn't really the reality of what we can look at.

Probably the hardest thing for couples who are new to poly to do is to disentangle from each other. The default position seems to be to cling to each other harder.
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Would you mind going into more detail about this Vin?
 
Hello TyrantQueen04,

It sounds like you have a hopeful start on your poly life together ... I will assume that your husband is the one who will be romantically involved with the woman he recently met; let me know if my assumption is in error.

Re: what do I think is the best way to broach the subject with her ... I suppose your husband should start by saying, "I need to let you know, that I am nonmonogamous." Then, depending on her response, will determine how he should ease into the details of that nonmonogamy. The first of which should probably be, that he is married. Then, he can ease into the fact that he has a child. During this process of easing into the details, he can answer any questions she may have.

Re: what kind of feelings should you expect ... jealousy and insecurity are very common in poly situations, but you should also anticipate some positive feelings, such as compersion. If you do run into some jealousy, I can provide you with some links to help. Let me know if you'd be interested in that.

Re: how can you best make her comfortable while she is sorting through her feelings on the matter ... just give her room to process. And be there for her, should she have any questions, or need any reassurance from either of you. Getting used to the idea of polyamory is a process; it's not something you can rush.

Finally, don't be too disappointed if she decides that poly is not for her. Poly is not for everyone. If she chooses to bow out, let her go with your blessing, and resume your search for someone who would be interested in poly. OKCupid might be a good resource to that end; I don't know if you are already using it.

I hope some of my words here help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Kevin!

Thanks so much for your reply! Yes he will be romantically involved with her, should she choose to continue connecting with him.

I don't THINK I will need the links, I feel really good about it so far; however, I also KNOW that its best to be prepared, so I would love for you to share those links with me :cool:
 
No problem TQ. Here's those links just to play it safe.

It's a good idea to learn as much as you can about poly, so spend some time checking those links out. Also Master Thread - links to other threads worth reading might be helpful. In general, I encourage you to keep on exploring this forum, post your thoughts and questions along the way, and post updates on your situation as it evolves, so that we can give you up-to-date advice. Good luck!
 
Howdy guys!

Wanted to give an update. J (hubs) went on a date with chica and she was alas not interested. *shrugs* ya win some ya lose some eh?

However, we have both since signed up for okcupid. Does anyone pay for the subscription? If so is it worth it?

Thanks again for all the help and being here to listen!
 
A paid subscription helps if you are actively searching. I have used paid and free. Free works but is slower because you are somewhat limited to replying to people who message you rather than people who just like your profile (you can't see the likes unless it's a mutual like or they send you a message as well).
 
fuchka said:
A paid subscription helps if you are actively searching. I have used paid and free. Free works but is slower because you are somewhat limited to replying to people who message you rather than people who just like your profile (you can't see the likes unless it's a mutual like or they send you a message as well).
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Thank you!
 
Yeah, I didn't try the paid subscription back when I tried OKC ... but I have a feeling it would be worth it.

Thanks for the update TQ, sorry it didn't work out this time. Continue your search.
 
TyrantQueen04 said:
Hi all,

My husband and I are new to the poly lifestyle, we have talked about and both want this. We are looking for a woman who could be a close friend to one of us and romantically involved with the other. We haven’t really thought past one person.. we assumed that I would be the one talking to women and getting to know them and we played through all the scenarios involved with that outcome. However recently my husband started talking to a woman and they are really connecting, but we aren’t sure how to bring up the fact that he has a wife and a 4 year old son without hurting her feelings. We have a few questions and were hoping for some advice.

-What do you think is the best way to broach the subject with her?

-What kind of feelings should we expect? I know and am prepared for NRE, but I expect that there will be quite a bit of feelings for both of us.

-How can we best make her comfortable while she is sorting through her feelings on the matter?

Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated.
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To navigate the challenge honorably, be honest, appreciative, respectful and communicative. Also try to be as emotionally intelligent as possible, and be aware of any legal or ethical considerations that could land you in a quagmire with the "sexual appropriateness" movement. They can always find some way to accuse virtually anyone of unethical behavior.
 
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