New to this, and confused

D

Dcisne

New member
First off, hello. I'm new to the poly scene and to be frank, I don't know what to do. I fell in love with a poly woman and so here I am. I'm looking for advice for how to handle the structure. I consider myself mono, and I'm finding myself incredibly jealous of the time my partner spends with her secondary.

I was hoping to find another mono person who could give me advice, maybe a poly person who's been through this situation? I find myself accepting her, and loving her; but this is an incredible hurdle to cross. I want to make this work, or else I wouldn't be here.

I've spoken with both of them, she makes me feel so welcome. He makes me feel ostracized, he gets frustrated that I can't just magically understand and accept her feelings immediately. I get that. I'm just finding myself feeling more withdrawn each day, and I really hate that. If anyone is willing to just speak with me about it...please. I really need advice. Thanks
 
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I don't have any advice to give since this is all new to me as well. But I've already gotten a lot of response from the ONE DAY I've been on here. You've definitely come to the right place though. Good for you for being open to her beliefs. I hope all works out for you!
 
Hi and welcome. We see this question quite often and you'll find a wealth of discussion about it on the forum. Here is a current thread on this topic. You can also go to the bottom of that page and click on the tags that pertain. Most of them do. You'll be taken to threads in which that subject is discussed.

Welcome :)
 
Greetings Dcisne,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I was monogamous at one time, though I had a pretty easy time of the transition to poly. I can give you some links regarding jealousy ...

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Also try Franklin Veaux's http://www.morethantwo.com/poly-mono.html -- it may help.

I am quite willing to speak with you whenever you need it. I'm pretty good about following the intro board (as long as I'm not out of town) so ping me on this thread anytime you need my input.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks for the responses. I've spoken with her, being completely honest about my feelings. I told her that I'll really work on understanding it all and making this work. She says that if I truly can't live like this she'd break it off with him, and that if I asked her to, she would.

I love her far too much to ever ask so much of her though. I also care about his feelings, he's a human being too. It's just such a struggle sometimes. Some days are far easier than others. It's especially tough though when he says things like "If you're love for her is pure, as all great loves are, you'd just accept this part of her life. If you can't, well, maybe you'd be happier with someone else."

I understand why he feels like that, but that just feels like a low blow. I know he didn't mean it to sound so harsh, but I really can't imagine my life without her in it. She's the most incredible individual I've ever met, and I really want to make this work so that she's truly happy.

I'm mostly upset with myself, it feels like this is something that shouldn't bother me so much, but it does. It's a complete whirlwind of emotions, and sometimes I feel completely alone being mono in a poly relationship. I am very happy I found this forum, and I've been reading so much. I just wish I didn't feel so bad about myself in this situation. I don't blame either of them...I just don't quite understand how one can feel like this for more than one person at a time. But I'm trying to.
 
Go easy on yourself. It's going to take time. You're working on it. You don't have to be, but you are. Ask the other partner to just be patient with you, that this is a major change for you, you have a lot of social programming to overcome, and that you're working on it but it won't happen overnight.

Love isn't pure. Love is messy and painful and challenging and glorious. It's an emotion, not some entity to idolize. It's certainly not meant to be used for shaming!
 
In the end rest assured that it will all work out.

Do you feel she will eventually abandon you? Or that you aren't enough for her?
 
I definitely feel like I'm not enough. She meets all of my needs in a relationship, there isn't anything about anyone else I encounter that makes me romantically interested. I make deep emotional connections with other people, but it's never romantic feelings.

I feel like there's something I'm not able to give her in love. Like I'm not good enough to make her happy on my own. It's so difficult to understand, she tells me that I'm enough, and my heart believes her; but my brain sits there saying "Obviously you're not enough if she feels like this about someone else."

From what I've read, this is a very common problem. I just haven't found my solution yet.
 
Not that she's told me of, and it doesn't seem like she does to me. I've told her my stance on the topic, that if I feel like I can't handle the relationship, I'll be the one to leave. She says she'd chase* me. I don't want her to be unhappy, but likewise I won't kill myself internally if this turns out to be something I really can't do.

I just feel like I'm so weak if I can't do this for her. I want to make her happy, I want my brain to accept how much she loves me. Last night she told me she wants to marry me, that she never thought she'd want to get married. I definitely want to spend my life with her. But if it comes down to her choosing me over who she truly is, how could I ever stop hating myself? How could I look into those eyes that I love so much and deal with knowing how much pain I caused her?

I assume that it would be equally difficult for her to live a monogamous life, as it is for me to be involved with this poly one. I don't think that it's wrong, I just feel that it's different. I feel like maybe this just really isn't how I can live my life and still feel healthy.

As I said, some days are much easier than others. But most of the time it really hurts me. I met with her lover the other day. It was less awkward than I imagined, but it was no where near fine for me. I just feel like there's something wrong with who I am.
 
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There is nothing wrong with you. You are normal, and your feelings are justified.

It seems to me that at least part of your sense of self worth is wrapped up in how she feels about you, and about other men. From what you describe, it sounds like she's truly in love with you. Cherish that, and cherish her.

I do realize that this is very painful for you. Honestly it sounds very same to the way my wife has felt when I was on dates with other women. In my experience, some people have a very HARD line at emotional infidelity. If your partner crosses that line, it does NOT mean that she doesn't love you. It probably DOES mean that you have boundaries and expectations that she does not share. I can't tell you that she's the woman for you to spend the rest of your life with. She'll probably have other men in the picture on a regular basis. I can tell you that some people have value systems that will never lead to fulfillment in a polyamorous relationship. You might be one of those people, and that's OK :)

Polyamory isn't for everyone, and it certainly can be extremely confusing and painful, but at the same time can be extremely rewarding. I've personally come to the realization that it simply is not realistic to expect one person to meet all my needs for the rest of my days, but I'm not like you. I don't develop deep emotional connections with people unless things start getting romantic and/or physical. I'm not capable of that. Your partner might just fall into that same category.
 
Deponty: Thank you for the insight. I thought a lot on what your response, and the more I think about it the more I realize that I really am in love with her. She just lets me be me, and I guess she just lets him be him too. There's nothing wrong with that.

I won't claim that I'm done feeling hurt or jealous, but your words made a really big difference. You're right, it's very obvious that she loves me.
 
A word of advice. If you marry her don't let her repress her true feelings and give up the other one. My wife (GF back then) gave up multiple relationships for me. At the time I though nothing of it, I should be her everything... Yeah well that came back 20 years later, and now we are in a poly relationship. I was a serial monogamist, programmed to believe thats how it should be. With the help of complete and total open communication with my wife, this website (a lot of reading), a podcast and those links to deal with jealousy. The jealousy is a big hurdle to overcome. Some guys are also content on being mono while their wives are poly. At first I thought maybe I should be that way, but I have been exploring other relationships now too and it has been very liberating to say the least.

You seem willing enough to work with this, and I think in time, the issues you have will diminish if you keep your mind open.

-J
 
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