New to this and struggling

R

RainbowDash

New member
Hi all,

I'm in my early 30ies, live in a rural area someplace in Europe and am currently in a mono relationship with my bf of 10+ years, he is the same age as me. I came across polyamory only a little while ago and it was like a revelation to me, once I learnt about this topic I divulged every youtube video and book I could find about it, because finally it felt like there is a name for what I have been feeling since years and what was eating me up from the inside out, because I didn't feel normal most of my life. I hope to be able to talk to some like minded people on here, since I am very new to this and very curious.

To me, a healthy ethical polyamorous relationship(s) sounds like a dream and what I have been missing my whole life. I grew up to believe you can't have more than one partner and being monogamous is the only acceptable lifestyle or choice there is, if you don't fit this norm, you're a freak and not acceptable to most people.

But more and more I am realizing I may be not be living according to my nature at all, I guess there are hundreds of these stories here, because of course this is where the problems start when you are in a monogamous relationship, trying to get your partner interested in the subject, while not fully aware yourself what a polyamory is all about and how it works - but I hope to learn and find out for myself (ourselves) one day.

What I probably struggle the most with is to tell my boyfriend about what I feel and how to find the right words to express what I feel and how I don't want to hurt him, while at the same time I'm not very happy having just one person to deeply connect with in my life. Sure I have friends and family, but it's just not the same as forming these deep connections that usually only happen with partners you are romantically interested in and there have always been situation in my life where I fell for someone else while I was already in a relationship, while thinking to myself I am not normal because of that.

I struggled all my life to 'fit in' as they say, I live in a very small rural place where everyone knows everyone, and I notice that people avoid me because I am not like them, hence I am very scared to even attempt opening my relationship, people already talk behind my back as it is now, and while I try to be confident, it can hurt when people are actively shunning me, just because I try to be myself.
Moving is not an option though, as we are rooted quite deeply here and all my best friends and family live here as well.

I think I better open another thread somewhere else that specifies my current problem(s) a little deeper. Thanks for reading if you're still with me and I hope to find some good people in this forum :)

RainbowDash
 
Welcome to the forum.

My general philosophy is that one can never be their true self if they let others dictate their behavior. If someone shuns you because of who you are, they are probably not worth knowing anyway.
 
Like many new to polyamory people, there's lots of talk about your need for additional partners but no talk.about how you'd deal with your partner loving and having sex with other people. Maybe start by encouraging him to date other people so he can see that it doesn't have to negate his feelings for you and you can work on the skills necessary to be a good partner in a polyamorous relationship.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Maybe start by encouraging him to date other people so he can see that it doesn't have to negate his feelings for you and you can work on the skills necessary to be a good partner in a polyamorous relationship.
Click to expand...

As someone whose partner used this strategy with them in the beginning, this may not work so well and may come across as "hey, they're trying to get rid of me / don't want to spend time with me / want us to break up."

It's worth just talking about polyamory in general and the fact that you're interested and see what your partner thinks. You're still in the "learning about poly" stage, which is good. While you've been looking into it a bit longer, there isn't a huge disparity right now. It gets messy when you try to introduce your partner to polyamory when you've looked into it for a few years and now have someone waiting in the wings.

If you continue to have conversations about it, then bring up whether or not your partner would want to date and how everyone thinks they'd deal with it. It may not match what happens in reality, but it's good to have a plan, even if it's just something to deviate from.
 
Hi RainbowDash, welcome to the board!

I know it's harder to practice polyamory in a rural area. We just had someone join the other day who is in our of our US southern states, a small town he grew up in, on family land. Very conservative area. He's poly but he doesn't want to leave. The advice some gave was to try long distance relationships, perhaps. You may need to travel to a larger city to meet or visit any prospective partners who are cool with poly. Long distance relationships aren't for everyone, but with texting and Skype, they are more satisfactory than in the past.

Some of us, including me, made big changes in our lives to live true to our poly nature. I am older, and I tried to live in a monogamous marriage for 30 years. I managed, I never cheated, but I never felt true to myself. And it wasn't fair to my husband. He always knew I'd get crushes, although I'd try to hide it to "protect his feelings." However, it just created distance between us.

I hope you take courage and broach the subject with your bf. Things are changing in the acceptance of alternative sexualities, everywhere. Whether it's for gay people (preference), transgender or gender-nonconforming people (identity)--even the fact you're in a long term relationship with a boyfriend and not married is a huge change from a few decades ago. Polyamory grew out of modern feminism. It's cutting edge, but growing in acceptance too.
 
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Hi RainbowDash and welcome to the Forum! Glad to see that you are getting some feedback already. We do have a good number of experienced poly folks here who are generally helpful and friend so please do not hesitate to share your particular thoughts and questions. The Poly Relationships Corner and General Poly Discussion sections are quite active.

What I probably struggle the most with is to tell my boyfriend about what I feel and how to find the right words to express what I feel and how I don't want to hurt him, while at the same time I'm not very happy having just one person to deeply connect with in my life.
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For those in a mono relationship, beginning the conversation with their partner can be a very difficult first step. And just suggesting an open relationship can alter your existing relationship whether you ultimately open the relationship or not - so not to be done lightly. Perhaps just a general discussion about polyamory in general might be a good starting point.

My wife asked me to open our marriage so she could ethically pursue her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. And, actually, she did a really nice job with her approach. I even summarized those she did things right in an addendum to my original introduction. Here's a link:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=362157&postcount=23

Perhaps you might find it helpful if you decide to have that talk with your partner.

We will look forward to hearing more of your story as it unfolds. Best of luck on your journey! Al
 
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Greetings RainbowDash,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am truly happy for you that you have discovered polyamory, and now you know you're not a freak, and there is a poly community where you can belong, you will find many like-minded people here. I am also sad for you that you have many obstacles to overcome before you can practice polyamory in your own life. It sounds like the two biggest problems are, first, telling your boyfriend, and second, the social blowback from other people in your small town, if they find out that you are poly, maybe quite a few of them will be displeased with you. :( It sucks when people will not accept you for who you are.

I hope you will get a chance to post more in detail about your current problems on another thread. Try Poly Relationships Corner, it is our most active board (or second-most, next to Life stories and blogs).

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Having done this recently, the talk with my partner of 20 years, calm communication is key. I agree with the above that a generalized talk about ethical non-monogamy and polyamory might be best. Each situation is different, but once my partner and I talked, and talked a second time, then not about it at all for over a week...she researched and admitted to me that she had been aegosexual for quite a while and was only having sex with me because she felt a monogamous obligation. It could have gone horribly, but we still love each other and have a young teenage kid together. So, we adjusted our boundaries. It went far better than I honestly expected. Essentially, we are platonic partners and I am open to see whomever I need to fulfill my needs (as long as she is informed of the individuals I am with).

The rural bit is a challenge for me as well though. I am in a very rural, conservative part of the US. It is hard to find like-minded people here.

I wish you the best.
 
Hiya!

Thank you for the welcomes 😊Yes, I should not give a damn about what others think, but living in a small town I find this very hard, since I can't really avoid the negativity of some people and will bump into virtually everyone I know here from time to time. I am unsure if I/we could cope with this kind of pressure, it can be really hurtful if the whole town talks behind your back, all focus on you wherever you go! I can handle this better than my boyfriend I habe to say, as he is more deeply rooted in the community than me.

I already suggested to him in the past to try dating or at least getting to know other people (girls for him) while he's out and about, that it would not bother me as long as I know what's going on and we can be open and respectful with each other about it - and he seemed a tad interested, but too scared to act on any of it in fear of damaging the relationship with me. Nowadays, he's usually telling me if he fancies someone or has met someone he likes, that's already an improvement even though nothing has happened so far. Small town - everyone knows we are together so no one really makes a move I guess.

LDR, I'm not too sure if it's for me. I work in the city so that might bring some opportunities, but I didn't connect with anyone in that way yet here I must say. Usually it's people from or around my hometown, or people I know since ages and already have that special bond with.

Yeah there is already someone in the wings, and that's the reason I'm getting more and more impatient. I started the talks about this whole adventure already before "the other one" came along based on my previous experiences, it started about a year ago when I looked deeper into myself and first learned about polyamory and different forms of relationships. But we seem to be getting nowhere because my partner tends to shut out issues he is not very comfortable with, and avoids dealing with things until there is a big bang and everything crashes over his head. Not only in this topic and in regards of our relationship, but in general in his life, so that doesn't really help.. I try to breach the subject now and again and he is practically running away or does 'not have time' to discuss etc. etc..

My fullest admiration that you stayed faithful for 30 years. I have never cheated on my partner so far, but it's also so very frustrating if you fall for someone and it always just gets stuck right when things become interesting, because I am not allowed to do much with them, let alone really date and meet them etc.., heck, I cannot even tell them my situation because we have not figured this out yet! Then I feel miserable for weeks on end and as you say, it does create quite a distance between my partner and me. I always believed this is just something I just had to suffer through for the rest of my life!

Yes, times are changing and I am so grateful and happy about that. I had the great luck of finding a new circle of friends recently who are all younger than me, and it is SO refreshing, they are so accepting of all ways of life and are not judging people like I was used to from my 'old' friends (whom I still love of course, but we are not on the same level anymore when it comes loads of topics). When I was young, everything related to sex and making out was considered 'shameful' - Ever since I realized this is not true I am trying to unravel that kind of thinking. And for the youth of today is so different! I kinda wish I was born a millennial as well...haha

Thank you all for your answers and for the warm welcome to the board. I will continue the journey and hopefully my partner will be on board with it as well, given some time and patience. I truly believe he is the one for me and somehow, we will find a way to make things work like we always have.
 
It's too bad you think your bf is conflict avoidant. It's a requirement in poly to have open and honest communication. It's a step in the right direction that he now feels comfortable telling you when he "fancies" someone, even if he is not ready to act on those feelings yet.

So you have a crush on someone in your small town. What to do now? Is this crush aware you like him (or her) in that way? Are the feelings returned? Is there flirting?

I understand your new younger friends would be cool with you having 2 bfs. But the older people would be shocked and gossip. Some people are even afraid of losing a job or housing. Or of actual physical bullying and harm.

Sometimes it takes a while for conservative people, friends, family, to get used to a person who comes out as gay, bi, transgender, or poly. But often after a year or two, they get used to the idea, even if they aren't 100% supportive.
 
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