New to this-- help!

[Pink22]

Hey everyone,

Wondering if anyone here can give me some advice.

So I’m in a relationship with a guy. He is poly. I’ve just come out of a long marriage with no intention of getting into another relationship, but hey, I fell for him.

I’m not poly, but have said I’m willing to try and do it cos it’s really important to him. Like very important. He’s always told me this is what he wants.

I’m well aware this can be a tricky situation with a mono/poly person.

We do meet others together on a casual basis. I’m ok with this.

He’s been trying to find another poly gf for a while. We have chatted to a lot of women. Some were really lovely. Met a few, but no one fit the bill.

It’s hard finding people, I think, especially cos we have an established relationship.

He’s now found someone. It’s moving quite fast and I’m struggling with my emotions.

We do talk a lot. He always wants me to talk to him and tell him how I’m feeling at any point.

He said to me I will always be his number one.

We even live together atm. He asked me to move in a while back.

I know how important this is to him. I have never thought I want to change him. I just want him to be happy. None of his other partners would do this.

This is what I’m struggling with: I feel jealous and like I’m not enough. I feel sad I can never have all of him. I know this is normal emotional response, esp as I’m not poly and come from mono background. I’m confused by these feelings and feel like I need to get defensive and protect myself, esp after their relationship became physical.

I haven’t met her yet. I told him I was a bit annoyed things became physical before I met her. He said I knew it was going to happen; I should have been more open with him about my feelings.

FYI sex isn’t a ‘big deal’ for him. Obv is for me.

I don’t want to turn into a jealous, needy person. I keep telling myself I’m a catch, he’s lucky to have me. lol But then a little voice says why aren’t I enough?

I really do want this to work. Can anyone offer any positive advice?

 

[Magdlyn]

This is a super common issue in polyamory, maybe the most common one-- the green-eyed monster. First a couple questions:

How long did your marriage last? I assume it was monogamous.
How long have you been with this bf?
How long did you date him before moving in with him?
How long have you lived together now?
Did you move to a new town, state or country to be with him?
Does he plan to have new partners come to your shared house for dates and sex?
If so, where will that happen? In your shared primary bedroom, or in a guest room?
How do you think you will feel about him having sex in your home, maybe even when you are home?

It sounds like bf doesn't want you to meet his new dating person, but maybe she will be coming over eventually.

I just ask those questions to get more background that might affect the kinds of feedback you get, not to pry or be nosy or invasive.

 

[LoveBunny]

I was in this very situation about 5 years back. Disclaimer: We broke up, I moved out.

My advice: Prepare yourself to have less of your bf's time, attention an energy. "Detangling" is the word you'll hear. Get used to doing more things on your own, or with people who aren't your bf, so he has time to date. If you're already an independent person who has a lot going on without him, this will be easier. Cultivate engaging hobbies and a strong friend group and ties your community that are completely separate from him! The bigger your life is outside of your relationship, better off you'll be. It will make it both easier to stay and easier to leave.

"He said to me I will always be his number one." Don't count on this. He may mean it wholeheartedly now, but if his other r'ship grows he may start feeling as if he's got two number ones. Major life decisions, etc, might starting taking her into consideration instead of just the two of you. He might want to take her on that romantic get-a-way instead of you, is that ok? Of course, if you've been together a very long time and/or have finances entangled, kids, pets, you might be able to maintain your "primary" status longer, but I'm guessing you're hoping to stay first in his heart, not just on paper?

You'll probably want to try to set some rules to make yourself more comfortable and feel more in control. Will the home you share now include having his new girlfriend over so he can have sex with her there? Is your bed together off limits? Negotiate as much of this stuff as you can beforehand. Be firm in your red, yellow and green light behaviors. Expect that if things get more serious with his other girlfriend, he will want these rules altered.

Be prepared for what I call relationship bleed-through. He's in a fight with her, he might be distracted or in a bad mood on your date. He learns some new trick in bed with her? He might want to try it out on you. He might need to go to her in an emergency, even if he's supposed to be spending time with you.

Consider dating others. Mono folks can feel like this is a waste of time, we'd rather spend that time with our person!I think you should date, if just to remind yourself that you're a desirable partner and to see what else is "out there." This may feel to you, if you're mono, as if you've got one foot out the door--that's ok. You are NOT all-in on being in a poly r'ship. It does no good to pretend you are. Just be honest so he isn't blindsided if you don't thrive in this dynamic.

If you start to feel it's all just negatives, cut the cord with kindness. My big mistake was trying and trying, lying to myself that I'd done poly before and could do it again--when I knew, deep down, I wanted something different from what was on offer.

Hopefully others who powered through will give you more concrete tips-and-tricks, plus I'm sure they'll offer helpful reading material.

Best of luck!

 

[Pink22]

This is a super common issue in polyamory, maybe the most common one-- the green-eyed monster. First a couple questions:

How long did your marriage last? I assume it was monogamous.

17 years. Yes, monogamous.

How long have you been with this bf?

Almost a year.

How long did you date him before moving in with him?

Really just moved in, mainly due to my circumstances with house sale post divorce. But I stayed over a lot for a good while before moving in, I was pretty much semi moved in for a good few months.
So same, about a year.

How long have you lived together now?

1 month.

Did you move to a new town, state or country to be with him?

I’m moving closer to him.

Does he plan to have new partners come to your shared house for dates and sex?

That was the plan. It was supposed to be we all have a relationship.

If so, where will that happen? In your shared primary bedroom, or in a guest room?

Not sure yet.

How do you think you will feel about him having sex in your home, maybe even when you are home?

Been there done that. lol

It sounds like bf doesn't want you to meet his new dating person, but maybe she will be coming over eventually.

She will. He’s a bit wary now cos I kicked off about not meeting her sooner.

I just ask those questions to get more background that might affect the kinds of feedback you get, not to pry or be nosy or invasive.

Just to give more background. We met as FWBs, and started as dom/sub. Quite intense relationship. We meet other women a lot for sex, etc., as we swing (together).
I semi moved in, then actually moved in. We have two kids between us, so they are involved.
We're both going through divorce, so lots of personal emotional stuff to negotiate together, which we have done.

 

[Pink22]

I was in this very situation about 5 years back. Disclaimer: We broke up, I moved out.

My advice: Prepare yourself to have less of your bf's time, attention an energy. "Detangling" is the word you'll hear. Get used to doing more things on your own, or with people who aren't your bf, so he has time to date. If you're already an independent person who has a lot going on without him, this will be easier. Cultivate engaging hobbies and a strong friend group and ties your community that are completely separate from him! The bigger your life is outside of your relationship, better off you'll be. It will make it both easier to stay and easier to leave.

"He said to me I will always be his number one." Don't count on this. He may mean it wholeheartedly now, but if his other r'ship grows he may start feeling as if he's got two number ones. Major life decisions, etc, might starting taking her into consideration instead of just the two of you. He might want to take her on that romantic get-a-way instead of you, is that ok? Of course, if you've been together a very long time and/or have finances entangled, kids, pets, you might be able to maintain your "primary" status longer, but I'm guessing you're hoping to stay first in his heart, not just on paper?

You'll probably want to try to set some rules to make yourself more comfortable and feel more in control. Will the home you share now include having his new girlfriend over so he can have sex with her there? Is your bed together off limits? Negotiate as much of this stuff as you can beforehand. Be firm in your red, yellow and green light behaviors. Expect that if things get more serious with his other girlfriend, he will want these rules altered.

Be prepared for what I call relationship bleed-through. He's in a fight with her, he might be distracted or in a bad mood on your date. He learns some new trick in bed with her? He might want to try it out on you. He might need to go to her in an emergency, even if he's supposed to be spending time with you.

Consider dating others. Mono folks can feel like this is a waste of time, we'd rather spend that time with our person!I think you should date, if just to remind yourself that you're a desirable partner and to see what else is "out there." This may feel to you, if you're mono, as if you've got one foot out the door--that's ok. You are NOT all-in on being in a poly r'ship. It does no good to pretend you are. Just be honest so he isn't blindsided if you don't thrive in this dynamic.

If you start to feel it's all just negatives, cut the cord with kindness. My big mistake was trying and trying, lying to myself that I'd done poly before and could do it again--when I knew, deep down, I wanted something different from what was on offer.

Hopefully others who powered through will give you more concrete tips-and-tricks, plus I'm sure they'll offer helpful reading material.

Best of luck!

I have a lot of his time, I live with him, I drop him off at work, meet him for lunch. We go to the gym together and have dates, etc.

He’s been on dates last week and I was ok with it.

I do believe him when he says I’ll be the primary. We have quite a strong bond.

I did suggest letting me meet couples, etc., to do swinging on the side, but he said no.

I know what you are saying about building a life/social network, but I’m going through a difficult time atm. My mental health is crap. I’m technically homeless till I wait for my house sale to through, and negotiating a divorce with an unamicable ex.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Pink22,

You need to grieve the loss of your mono relationship with him, and the beginning of a poly (mono/poly) relationship with him. The two are so different that it is like starting over. Also, the two of you need to do lots of talking about your feelings.

It might help if you could meet her. Take some of the mystery out of him seeing her, and replace it with some familiarity. Do you want kitchen table poly, or parallel poly? I mean yeah it would have been nice if you could have met her before this, but better late than never.

It should be a fair arrangement, for example if he is free to have (a) girlfriend/s, you should have that same freedom. If you want to swing on the side, that is your right. It's only fair.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I have a lot of his time, I live with him, I drop him off at work, meet him for lunch. We go to the gym together and have dates, etc.

He’s been on dates last week and I was ok with it.

I do believe him when he says I’ll be the primary. We have quite a strong bond.

I did suggest letting me meet couples, etc., to do swinging on the side, but he said no.

I know what you are saying about building a life/social network, but I’m going through a difficult time atm. My mental health is crap. I’m technically homeless till I wait for my house sale to through, and negotiating a divorce with an unamicable ex.

Thanks for adding more information. So it sounds like you are basically homeless while you wait for your house sale to go through. Maybe once it does. you will be able to get your own place and not be at his mercy, so to speak.

He's your Dom? Just because he's your dom it doesn't mean he can tell you who you can date or have sex with. Subs get a voice in how they lead their lives. If you want to see others, it's your choice. BDSM doesn't mean he gets to exploit you or abuse you.

Apparently you thought you and he would only date as a couple, but now he's got this new potential gf of his own, who isn't interested in dating you or having threeways? I mean, it's very common in polyamory, and healthy, for a couple to date independently, but that means you get to date others too, either men or women, as you wish. (Look up One Penis Policy on the search bar, if you want.)

You sound unhappy-- mental health not great, messy divorce, and now there's tension around your new bf/dom/partner/housemate dating... What do you want to do, ideally?