New to this & in need of help, please

C

cupcake

New member
Hi,

My husband & I have been married 18 years. We have had a pretty good marriage & sex life, but a move abroad led us to living very separate lives & building misunderstandings & resentments toward each other. We've had some very dark moments in the past 3-4 years, but we never wanted to divorce & we maintained a pretty good sex life. We really did not have a life together outside of our house, though. And, my husband developed severe depression - true despair.

Earlier this year, I developed a crush on a friend. This relationship never led to sex & it dissipated after three months. My husband knew & liked the guy, & went out with us regularly. He liked seeing me happy &, even cuddling my "crush". My husband was extremely supportive of me exploring my feelings. However, this also led to him feeling as if he was no longer useful to me & I had to beg him not to commit suicide several times throughout.

This summer, we realized we wanted to work on re-establishing a good relationship together. We were making progress when I had to leave for a few weeks for business.

While away, my husband was introduced to someone who had a crush on him. He called to tell me about it & ask if he could sleep with her. Since she was supposed to be moving to another country one day after I came home, I agreed. Also, I knew this would be great for his ego & would bring us closer together. Additionally, I even found it sexually exciting (on the upside); (on the downside) I felt I didn't really have a choice because, if I said "no", either he would do it & lie about it or not do it & resent me.

When I returned, I discovered she wasn't leaving the next day. But, rather in 10 days or so. A lot happened that week, good & bad. But it ended in a HUGE fight where she broke up with him & my husband broke up with me.

We decided we wanted to stay together & they also got back together without telling me. I had a feeling, though, &, in response, developed a very bad stress rash & stopped eating & sleeping well. I also learned that second week that she wasn't leaving the following week & she didn't know when she would.

Because of things I read online, I felt it would be best for us to meet. We did yesterday & things went OK. I could see why my husband likes her & why they get along well. But I also saw that she could be in love with him. She told me that they "click" & he's "perfect" for her. She also told me that she might be looking for work in town now because this works so well for her.

My husband says that he doesn't love her. But he does like her & he wants to continue dating her & fucking her. He says he loves me. He likes me. He wants to be with me forever. That, while he finds being with her very easy & he loves making her cum, I am the exciting partner he married & still wants & they only one who sexually satisfies him.

He also tells me often that he will end it with her for me, if I want.

I really don't want that, though. I do actually understand why being with me sometimes is challenging for him (I'm a small-town celebrity who casts a large shadow). So, I truly understand why he wants to spend some time with a person who makes him feel "big" & "important". Also, satisfying two women makes him feel studly. He's also truly been AMAZING to me since she's come into our lives. So, I can see how this benefits not just him, but us & me as well.

The thing is, I thought we were working towards being a good couple again. And, instead, I came home to find I was in a open marriage. I feel as if I'm mourning my couplehood while trying to learn how to navigate this new world.

I'm a mess & I'm exhausting my husband's emotional capacities. I'm also worried I will sabotage everything & we'll return to him living a life of despair "for me".

How do I cope? How do I get through this?

We have good, open communication but I take a step or two forward & then one or two back daily. I'm driving us crazy. Please help!
 
I am sorry you are struggling.

Do you want an open marriage model?

Is husband still willing to strengthen the (you+him) couple within the larger polyship? As he builds the (her+him) couple within it? Do (you and her) get along ok enough? You do not have to be best friends but it helps to be cooperative about calendars and such. The health of the bigger polyship is made up of all the mini relationships within.

If you need extra outside support, are you willing to see a counselor?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
cupcake said:
Hi,

The thing is, I thought we were working towards being a good couple again. And, instead, I came home to find I was in a open marriage. I feel as if I'm mourning my couplehood while trying to learn how to navigate this new world.
Click to expand...

I read that statement as an either or as in "we are a good couple" or "we are in an open relationship". My belief is that the couple must be strong before opening a relationship. There will be emotional issues, there will be mis-communication, there will be NRE, etc all of which stresses the existing relationship. Usually adding a new relationship does not fix a broken one.

Now I can see how having a new interest does help someone improve self image. I know that some cases that can translate into positive energy in other relationships.

Mike
 
We do have a calendar. He is absolutely working on building a great relationship with me. We can't afford a therapist, but I would go if I could.

Yes, we are still a couple. I think that issue is I didn't feel ready for this & I do fear we are not healthy enough to survive. Even though, we have been more honest, supportive, happy with each other (& he apart) than we have been ... maybe ever.

We fooled around with other people when we first got together. But this is the first woman. And, this is the first time he's fooled around without me. I think I hadn't conceived or prepared myself for this. I do feel very small & selfish. And I'm ashamed to see that in myself & I want to overcome it. I'm just struggling through "how".

Maybe it's just something that happens by doing over time. But any help is appreciated.
 
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Any of that apply in this situation?

There's also a certain amount of transition weird that just comes as part of it -- it is NORMAL to feel some weird.

The "old normal" is not it any more, the "new normal" is not firmly established. The in between space feels funky. Hopefully the "new normal" eventually arrives and things feel more calm and settled rather than "up in the air."

Galagirl
 
Greetings cupcake,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Don't know if this will help, but:

It's about a 20-minute talk and well worth it.

The others have offered good advice too. I think part of the secret is you have to believe in yourself. Another part is taking it one day at a time, and finding that you can look back in a year or so and see some worthwhile progress. Experience is one of our best teachers.

Good luck and please keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I'm sorry that things are hard for you. Sounds like you feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you.

A few thoughts - is your husband's depression better? Is he still having suicidal thoughts? That should be addressed before any big changes, IMHO. And as for finding a therapist, which I think is a very good idea, I would seriously consider calling around to find out prices. Some therapists are able to offer "sliding scale fees," meaning they can work with you based on your income. Even if the first person you call says no, they may be able to refer you to someone who can be more flexible in rates. It sounds like getting some additional support through all this (at the very least, here on the forum) would be helpful.

Take care
 
Reflections is right. Somehow I missed that bit. If your husband is suicidal/making suicide gestures I think getting his health back on track trumps anything else in terms of priorities. Polyshipping is challenging enough without entering it in a less than healthy frame of mind.

Check universities -- sometimes students need to clock work in the field. They are trained, but not quite totally certified and as such might work on a sliding scale/free as part of their learning programs.

Galagirl
 
Thank you for the video & the links! They directly addressed many of my issues.

My husband is taking care of his mental health now. It was not related to my outside relationship - but, rather, the deep despair and hopelessness he felt about being able to live the life he wants in ways he wants. Already, I can see life in his eyes again. But we will manage it, if this ugly demon arises again.

We are in a challenging "new normal" phase. That idea helped me immensely, too. I can see how he has always been with me & willing to be more open and gentle with me than ever throughout the process. It has helped me feel less vulnerable & more open to vulnerability all at the same time.

Quite frankly, that feels terrifying. But, I'm going to trust in our relationship & our love for each other as a couple and as individuals. I'm going to try to meet what will make us happy every moment. I think that's a good start.

Thanks, all :)
 
I find it very concerning that your husband was/is suicidal and feeling "less than" because of the importance of your job, or whatever it is that makes you a celebrity. And/or that he "can't" live the life he wants for other reasons.

So, he's got a new hot babe now and the sex hormones (NRE, new relationship energy) are making him feel all studly, powerful, euphoric.

However, this is just a bandaid. People that use other people to bolster their egos find, it works as a bandaid for a short period of time, but it doesn't actually cure depression. NRE fades and you're left with the same old problems.

Do you not have health insurance? Most ins. co's cover behavioral health these days.

By the way, it is a common poly newbie mistake to promise your primary you will give up the new lover if he or she can't deal with it. But giving up someone you are all hot for is killer. It causes grief and resentment in the lovers who are torn apart for altruistic reasons, and there is no going back to the old norm. It usually just ends up weakening the bond between the primary couple even more.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top