My boyfriend of 4 years and I, we are not 'technically' together right now, but are still in a relationship of sorts. (We are working through issues of infidelity and trust that I caused.) During the span of a month that we did not talk to each other, he started talking to someone else. We have decided that we really do love each other and that we feel that we both belong together. He has continued to see the other girl and now wants a poly relationship, which is something he has always expressed a desire for. The other girl is still married but separated from her husband. They have issues of their own that I'm guessing aren't being dealt with. My boy friend and the other girl got together after bad splits. I kind of feel like they are rebounds for each other. He tells me he will never choose her over me because he loves me but doesn't want to let her go either because he likes her. Our goal is to get through things and live together again. I guess my question is, how would this ever work if him and I haven't completely worked through our issues and she's still married with her own relationship issues outside of this new relationship?
New to this...needing advice
- Thread starter Pinky
- Start date
So he basically is saying he wants to date you both.
Are YOU up for that?
One cannot predict the future.
If you decide to try poly? I would say the goal on your side of the V is this:
That's what you and him can control.
The hopeful OUTCOME is this:
It may or may not come to pass after doing the work. Or it might be a different outcome -- like he wants all 3 to love together. Or he wants all to maintain their own homes. Or he wants to live with her and not you.
This other part?
That's stuff for HER to deal with. It's not under your control.
You can draw boundaries around how much of her stuff you want to be hearing from her or from the hinge. Maybe you don't want to know any of it at this time. Like "very separate poly V."
I suggest you do some soul searching and decide if you want to try to get back together with your X, only this time in some sort of poly V model.
Galagirl
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
I see another band aid here. Seems to be getting ever more popular for couples to use "Let's be poly!" as a way station while they explore their commitment issues. You cheated on your BF, broke up, but y'all still have feelings for each other. Meanwhile, he gravitated toward a woman who also is not fully able/ready/wanting to commit to him. "Going poly" with two non-committal women is not going to solve anything, at least for him. Nobody seems to know what they really want here and everyone is using "We're poly!" to prop up shaky relationships all around.
Re (from Pinky):
When you put it that way, it makes me wonder if this *can* work. Poly is not the answer. I suggest you put your foot down and say, something like, "I won't put up with you seeing this woman, when you and I haven't worked through our issues, and she's still married with her own issues. I won't have it! I am telling you to break up with her. I don't care if you like her!" I guess if he refuses to break up with her even then, you might want to consider whether he is worth having as a boyfriend, when he acts like that without your consent. Maybe you just have to focus on his good points and remember that you love each other? The two of you have a goal to get through things and live together again; you don't want to throw that away do you? Is it possible you're just venting here? What are some of his good attributes? Is he worth keeping as a boyfriend, in spite of his involvement with this other woman?
I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
When you put it that way, it makes me wonder if this *can* work. Poly is not the answer. I suggest you put your foot down and say, something like, "I won't put up with you seeing this woman, when you and I haven't worked through our issues, and she's still married with her own issues. I won't have it! I am telling you to break up with her. I don't care if you like her!" I guess if he refuses to break up with her even then, you might want to consider whether he is worth having as a boyfriend, when he acts like that without your consent. Maybe you just have to focus on his good points and remember that you love each other? The two of you have a goal to get through things and live together again; you don't want to throw that away do you? Is it possible you're just venting here? What are some of his good attributes? Is he worth keeping as a boyfriend, in spite of his involvement with this other woman?
I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.