New to this site but not polyamory

S

silver-genie

Member
Hi! I discovered this forum because I've been doing a lot of Googling of polyamory lately (mostly on hierarchy) and I kept getting linked to this site.

I'm 32, female, bisexual, and I live in southern California. I'm currently single. I identify with nonhierarchical poly, solo poly, and relationship anarchy. I've been some form of ENM on and off for eleven years and exclusively poly for the last five.

I enjoy writing as a hobby and have been writing a lot about non-monogamy lately. As such, I've also been trying to read all the mainstream non-monogamy books. My writing focuses mainly on how to navigate non-monogamy as a single person - I feel like most of the books out there focus on navigating it while being part of a couple, so I wanted to provide a different perspective.

I'm neurodivergent (auDHD), a dog person, and a people person. Looking forward to chatting with other poly people!
 
Hi and welcome.

The common term for a "single" poly person is "solo poly," since, if you're poly-dating, you're not really single. Some dating sites let you say you're "available," so even if you have a partner or three, you can still be seen as open to meeting more potential partners.

I do find it tiresome as well for most information on poly out there to assume longer-term coupled/married people are "opening up" to polyamory. But I think one reason might be that most people do start out being raised with expectations of being monoamorous, and practicing serial monogamy. And most of the time, it is assumed that "coupling up" and going up the relationship escalator as high as possible is/should be the goal of dating. It seems most of the people that come here to this site have been married for a decade or more (12 years, 2 kids, seems to be common) to someone they met in their teens or early 20s, and are just realizing there are more possibilities out there for romantic relationships.

When I started poly-dating back in 2008, I was "single" (fully separated from my husband, working on the divorce). My first partner (Pixi, who is also my current partner) was also single. She'd never been monogamous, had always had open relationships, but didn't currently have a partner/partners. My other SO (Aries) was also single (and new to poly) when I met him four years ago.

Pixi and I were never focused on a hierarchy. We don't see having co-primaries as a threat to our deep, calm bond. We'd never really talked about keeping other partners in the "secondary," or worse, "tertiary" position. :rolleyes: In fact, when I first came here, one regular poster was always mentioning her tertiary, and it kinda made me feel queasy.
 
Thank you for sharing your story! Solo poly is actually different from being single and poly, though that's a common misconception. Solo poly typically refers to people who don't wish to climb the relationship escalator, so no cohabitation, merged finances, marriage, or having children. Solo poly people typically prioritize their autonomy and independence, reject hierarchy, and may think of themselves as their own primary. A person can be solo poly while having one or more partners. It's also possible to be polyamorously dating and single, which I've been doing for the last five years.
 
silver-genie said:
Thank you for sharing your story!
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:)
silver-genie said:
Solo poly is actually different from being single and poly, though that's a common misconception. Solo poly typically refers to people who don't wish to climb the relationship escalator, so no cohabitation, merged finances, marriage, or having children. Solo poly people typically prioritize their autonomy and independence, reject hierarchy, and may think of themselves as their own primary.
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I think of most of that more as a relationship anarchist, although I do believe all poly folk would do well to think of themselves as their own primaries. I think some anarchists go at least partway up the escalator with romantic partners, or platonic partners, friends or roommates. Just because you're solo poly or RA doesn't necessarily mean you can afford to live alone, or not want kids, etc.

A person can be solo poly while having one or more partners.
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Agreed.

It's also possible to be polyamorously dating and single, which I've been doing for the last five years.
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You mean you live alone, and don't have a hierarchy in your partners? Or something else?

I don't think of myself as "solo," or "single" poly. I live in a house... Pixi and I split paying for the rent and utilities. But she spends half the week at her OSO's house in the next town. Aries lives nearby, and comes here when Pixi isn't here. He chips in for food, and does a lot of yardwork and the heavier housework ("sweat equity"), as he doesn't make a high income, and pays rent at his aunt's house, which he shares with her and a few other adult family members.
 
Greetings silver-genie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You have done some good posts so far, I especially like the Multiamory episode on jealousy. It sounds like you have a good amount of experience in ENM and poly, and have done your research. You will be a valuable asset on Polyamory.com, and hopefully we'll be helpful to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Relationship anarchy is a relationship philosophy that rejects hierarchy and societally prescribed rules in relationships. It also opposes amatonormativity by positing that romantic or sexual relationships are not naturally more important than platonic friendships.

When I say single, I mean not being in a relationship, having no significant other.
 
Thank you for your kind words, Kevin! I have done a lot of research; I consider non-monogamy to be one of my special interests.
 
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